Can't Quite Get It Out

I'm beginning that 2nd half of the year dip. I feel it. Even with the increased level of activity and wonderful, shining things around me I still feel so disconnected from it all. Phil had been talking to me about the movie, "Garden State" that he wanted me to go see. I finally did see it this last Tuesday night with Martin. Phil raved about the movie, but I found it just okay. I mean, I laughed an related. I thought Natalie Portman's performance was superb, but I think the movie is a good marker of how people in different points of their life will draw different meaning from the flick. In the movie, the protagonist is faced with trying to start experiencing life at 26; cold-turkey stopping his meds, and dealing with real emotions for the first time since he was a child. Coming of age or finding one's self.... a common piece of one's early to mid 20's. (At least the first go 'round)

In the midst of the drawing down feeling, I have subverted my own past words and I went on a date Tuesday. I've always searched for someone sincere and pure; honest, caring, affectionate; someone without pretense or malevolence. I know that it's only someone like this that can compliment my nature. Problem being... my nature has had plenty of time and experience to form a dome of concrete like a nuclear reactor. Maneuvering through this world and finding people who I can touch and not feel absorbed or who can touch me and not drain me is tricky. Sometimes I still feel guilty too... this grayness that follows me, that I don't control, that others inherit by being around me. You can't really prepare someone for my grays. (Especially when they're attracted to my bounce and chipper times.) A blanket and a stuffed animal are no substitutes for skin. And my one rhythm beating is not so soothing as the rumble of two drums blending with breathing. Sigh.

It's lunchtime.