12:20am Cheddy in WeHo. Bobby @ Boom Boom. I just don't feel like venturing out into those arenas tonight, though I would like to be around friends.
Bummed about the Javier thing... but also remembering the credo: No Drama. This definitely qualifies as drama and so I go back to the single thing. Lovely. Got porn?
I have this Southwest Airlines credit that I have to use by November. My vacation time is limited but I'm not sure where to go. Part of me wants to do the solo thing and go somewhere I've never been and part of me wants to see familiar faces. I'm a sort of fairytale myself.
I told George online tonight that my body's age was catching up to reflect my soul. Perhaps that's the way with all of us. The day we die is the day they're in sync. Might explain why so many young ones die and people say they "passed before their time." No...their time came. If souls are recycled somehow.... okay, this is just way too deep and philosophical for me right now.
What am I as a friend to others? I'll sleep on that.
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Friday, May 30, 2003
Daily Briefs
Tired. I've ordinarily ignored the healing power of being or getting into a relationship. There is an intangible quality that effects health, heart & head. (Harmony) This assumption of Javier's has effected me. I have responded, but the harmony is disrupted termporarily. Now I'm sitting in a training class about information I will likely never use. Haha... funny line or thought, "I'm a lover not a fighter." I think of my old therapist--Francisco Perez--A question he asked was, "Do I ever think about being taken care of?" Maybe. Maybe I would. I might enjoy being a full-time academic. But I don't know--I think that is anything natural.
An impromptu BBQ on Sunday.
I don't want to be part of a revenue stream.
An impromptu BBQ on Sunday.
I don't want to be part of a revenue stream.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Windows of Opportunity
8:30pm I'm about to embark to Long Beach to hang out with Mark & Charlie. A nice and simple night of hanging out on my day off.
Internal conflict. Javier logged on AOL earlier today to see me in a chat room. I wouldn't guess that he knows me well enough to know that I only go in chat rooms to talk and be silly, regardless, he has the impression that I was there to hook-up and have sex. This, after I expressly stated otherwise. He firmed it up with an e-mail in response to something playful I sent him as a way of furthering communication. So here's the conflict.... one part of me says, "This is too much drama too early on to deal with so let it go now while you truly have not invested too much." ....the other part says, "He's young, probably been lied to before or hurt in some way to make him think this way so try and reassure him of who I really am and work past this because he seems like a genuinely great guy to be around." As much as it is going to pain me to do this... I'm going to sit on this for 24 hours and let it simmer. It's something that I wouldn't ordinarily do because my impulse is telling me to call and resolve this. That's the impatient side of me. So I'm trying this something different in the hopes that maybe the outcome will be different.
Fuck.
Internal conflict. Javier logged on AOL earlier today to see me in a chat room. I wouldn't guess that he knows me well enough to know that I only go in chat rooms to talk and be silly, regardless, he has the impression that I was there to hook-up and have sex. This, after I expressly stated otherwise. He firmed it up with an e-mail in response to something playful I sent him as a way of furthering communication. So here's the conflict.... one part of me says, "This is too much drama too early on to deal with so let it go now while you truly have not invested too much." ....the other part says, "He's young, probably been lied to before or hurt in some way to make him think this way so try and reassure him of who I really am and work past this because he seems like a genuinely great guy to be around." As much as it is going to pain me to do this... I'm going to sit on this for 24 hours and let it simmer. It's something that I wouldn't ordinarily do because my impulse is telling me to call and resolve this. That's the impatient side of me. So I'm trying this something different in the hopes that maybe the outcome will be different.
Fuck.
Sleeping with the window open
9:50am Early to rise. I didn't fall asleep until close to 4:30 this morning and here I am awake already. At least the last 20 minutes. I think I'm going to play with the time I take my medication today. I seem to get tired at work 2-3 hours after getting there. So maybe dosing at 9pm or my last break at 9:45 will get me in bed earlier. TBD.
Why is the obvious what eludes us so often? Have our minds developed so much that we're looking in the clouds rather than feeling the ground that we walk on? Although I'm thinking of a conversation with Randy yesterday as I write this paragraph I just had a flash of tribal people and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. What we as a civilized world may look at as primitive in terms of industrialization is really something quite rich when often we have forgotten to hold or share the simplicity of affection. So the conversation centered around why I wouldn't notice any change in myself when others can readily see it. He surmised that I don't see a change because the thoughts I have are always there so nothing has changed or is new to me, but what gets outwardly expressed changes. Whether I know it or not I'm letting out more of what's inside. I've compartmentalized for so long I can even fool myself. It was what I had to do to survive so long ago but I'm not in that space anymore. Not for a long time.
Art has flown off to Orlando for business and pleasure. His father passed last Friday. We sat in the hot tub two nights ago and shared thoughts on family. I realized that I told him more about me that night than I probably have the whole time I've lived here.
I'm so damn impatient. Seeing Javier but once a week has built in this reality check safety net. It makes me focus on really trying to get to know him to see if my instinct danger sirens go off. When Randy told me that he and Ryan only saw each other about two days a week part of me thought, "how perfect." (Just long enough to have all the good times without learning any of the bad) You can be your best for someone and they never have to see you the other times when you're actually living real life. Mark and I were talking yesterday and he was relating how his most recent relationship--though shorter than a previous one--is someone affecting him more deeply. I said that it wasn't the time of the relationship that would necessarily determine one's emotional involvement, rather one's own level of opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another. In saying this I both understood my own passage with Randy and now his with Ryan and am less bitter all around.
I wrote cousin Shirley an e-mail. I started a list of things to accomplish in life. It's short now, but I'm sure it will grow. I'm sure I will grow.
Why is the obvious what eludes us so often? Have our minds developed so much that we're looking in the clouds rather than feeling the ground that we walk on? Although I'm thinking of a conversation with Randy yesterday as I write this paragraph I just had a flash of tribal people and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. What we as a civilized world may look at as primitive in terms of industrialization is really something quite rich when often we have forgotten to hold or share the simplicity of affection. So the conversation centered around why I wouldn't notice any change in myself when others can readily see it. He surmised that I don't see a change because the thoughts I have are always there so nothing has changed or is new to me, but what gets outwardly expressed changes. Whether I know it or not I'm letting out more of what's inside. I've compartmentalized for so long I can even fool myself. It was what I had to do to survive so long ago but I'm not in that space anymore. Not for a long time.
Art has flown off to Orlando for business and pleasure. His father passed last Friday. We sat in the hot tub two nights ago and shared thoughts on family. I realized that I told him more about me that night than I probably have the whole time I've lived here.
I'm so damn impatient. Seeing Javier but once a week has built in this reality check safety net. It makes me focus on really trying to get to know him to see if my instinct danger sirens go off. When Randy told me that he and Ryan only saw each other about two days a week part of me thought, "how perfect." (Just long enough to have all the good times without learning any of the bad) You can be your best for someone and they never have to see you the other times when you're actually living real life. Mark and I were talking yesterday and he was relating how his most recent relationship--though shorter than a previous one--is someone affecting him more deeply. I said that it wasn't the time of the relationship that would necessarily determine one's emotional involvement, rather one's own level of opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another. In saying this I both understood my own passage with Randy and now his with Ryan and am less bitter all around.
I wrote cousin Shirley an e-mail. I started a list of things to accomplish in life. It's short now, but I'm sure it will grow. I'm sure I will grow.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
A Telling Heart
6:35pm An awful...awful call just came through. If I weren't at work I'd have tears down my face. So sad. Such sadness. This feeling envelops me. Someone by the name of "Scott" called in on the special fraud line here at work. The normal procedure is to get the phone number and verify account information because usually the calls are not fraud related. I could tell that he was developmentally disabled by the way he was speaking and when I would ask for a cell phone number he kept repeating a number that was not a Verizon Wireless cell phone. I searched the number and saw it was a landline. I asked where he was trying to call and he said he was trying to call his mom. His voice transmitted a caring and sincerity that my hardened heart could have glossed over.
Although not procedure, I decided to try calling the number myself to see if I could get a valid cell phone number. Part of me thought that it might be an emergency call and part of me just wanted to help out. When a woman answered the line I asked if she knew a "Scott" and she said that he didn't live there. I explained where I was from and stated that he was trying to reach his mom. She said, "Oh, well I am his mom. I didn't realize he had a cell phone." She went on to say that he was disabled and lived in a home. Since she didn't know the cell number I was just going to connect the call and explained this to her and she said, "No, I don't want to talk to him, just have Spencer take care of it."
But what do I know? Perhaps this is best.
Although not procedure, I decided to try calling the number myself to see if I could get a valid cell phone number. Part of me thought that it might be an emergency call and part of me just wanted to help out. When a woman answered the line I asked if she knew a "Scott" and she said that he didn't live there. I explained where I was from and stated that he was trying to reach his mom. She said, "Oh, well I am his mom. I didn't realize he had a cell phone." She went on to say that he was disabled and lived in a home. Since she didn't know the cell number I was just going to connect the call and explained this to her and she said, "No, I don't want to talk to him, just have Spencer take care of it."
But what do I know? Perhaps this is best.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Cleaning Surprise
2:13pm I'm lying in bed with headphones on, semi-rocking out and from the corner of my eye I see my bedroom door start to open. It's the maids. Hahahahaha... she laughed and closed the door. It's a good thing I wasn't jacking off or anything. That could've been embarrassing.
I was online talking with Rey...friend of Eddie.. and he was informed that a new rule in having discussions with Eddie was that they couldn't discuss Eddie's relationship. I shook my head and looked down. I'd like to laugh and think that it was miscommunicated, but I know Chuck better... lol. Rey is one of those people that I get my instant danger vibe from but know that the flipside to that is that there's a piece of me that can lend words that might impact somehow. He's the second Irish fucker to call me "Jerm." Thanks Tanny. Lovely.
The movie I was going to go see, "Raising Victor Vargas" is no longer playing locally. A trip to Los Angeles does seem likely for today's agenda.
I was online talking with Rey...friend of Eddie.. and he was informed that a new rule in having discussions with Eddie was that they couldn't discuss Eddie's relationship. I shook my head and looked down. I'd like to laugh and think that it was miscommunicated, but I know Chuck better... lol. Rey is one of those people that I get my instant danger vibe from but know that the flipside to that is that there's a piece of me that can lend words that might impact somehow. He's the second Irish fucker to call me "Jerm." Thanks Tanny. Lovely.
The movie I was going to go see, "Raising Victor Vargas" is no longer playing locally. A trip to Los Angeles does seem likely for today's agenda.
Emerge
2:39a.m. I wonder if tomorrow and the next day and the next will surprise me like today. I went searching on the internet for camp sites. Crazy. It started by looking up ideas for different types of dates and one of them was stargazing. You can't stargaze from the cities because of all the lights so I thought of the mountains and state parks. I remembered being out at the river on grandpa's property and the journal entry I wrote staring at the sky. That was over 10 years ago. Astonishing. More lost time. Haha.... I'm noticing that a lot lately. Lost time.
I thought earlier that I hate that I was not raised with direction or purpose. I think about that and feel lucky that I was not forced into a direction or purpose....but then think again that I wouldn't know any better anyway. If from day one you are Mormon and raised around Mormons and the foundation of your life is the church and your family then you don't know any different and don't expect any different. It's similar to my thoughts on sex wherein people who have not had multiple partners accept what it is they know and are not comparing to other experiences which is almost unavoidable once variety comes into play. I guess this whole paragraphs boils down to living in a box and venturing outside of it. Hatching.
Why can I never turn my head off? As soon as I typed that images of water flashed in my head. The sea...pools....baths. Being submerged in water. Hmm... now I feel all psycho because I'm relating these flashes to some dialogue in the movie "The Cell."
Enough tonight.
I thought earlier that I hate that I was not raised with direction or purpose. I think about that and feel lucky that I was not forced into a direction or purpose....but then think again that I wouldn't know any better anyway. If from day one you are Mormon and raised around Mormons and the foundation of your life is the church and your family then you don't know any different and don't expect any different. It's similar to my thoughts on sex wherein people who have not had multiple partners accept what it is they know and are not comparing to other experiences which is almost unavoidable once variety comes into play. I guess this whole paragraphs boils down to living in a box and venturing outside of it. Hatching.
Why can I never turn my head off? As soon as I typed that images of water flashed in my head. The sea...pools....baths. Being submerged in water. Hmm... now I feel all psycho because I'm relating these flashes to some dialogue in the movie "The Cell."
Enough tonight.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Memorial Day---Yay
10:38am I wake up to gray skies---the theme for this weekend's weather. I was looking forward to going to the beach today. Other forces had otra plans.
So I just stared at the keyboard for that last 8 minutes. More lost time. My head was playing out a cinema. I do this so often. Sometimes it's the interaction between real people that I know. I'm thinking about what their reactions to situations would be and mine naturally back to them. Sometimes there are completely ficticious characters involved with real people and the mood of the thoughts is much more fantasy than any reality.
My appetite for sex has been returning slowly. As I'm laying in bed I thought just now that it's strange to have sex with someone different. After two years of the same person there's a comfort and a knowledge of likes and dislikes. There are also certain expectations from that knoweldge. You know what turns them on most, the places on their body that are sensitive, the things that they didn't know about and that you found together. And vice versa. They know you. A good sex life fits like a gloove.
I've decided on "peaceful tiger" for the chinese characters for my back. Now how long will it take me to do it?
I spent pretty much all day with Javier and his nieces yesterday. Oh...and Oliver the cat too. I felt some special bond with his younger niece, Erica. I can't explain that any better at the moment. Lynette was a lot of fun as well. So different than my sister of roughly the same age. I also spent some time with Mom & Sarah yesterday.
A person who names their son or daughter after themself? Is this the ultimate in narcissism? Just a lack or originality? Tradition? Yeah, I think it's all about that thing of carrying on something after your death.....progeny. So are gay people truly nature's way of responding to an over-populated planet? Some absolutely perfect molecular precision built into the DNA from the start? We are taught to want so many things and yet other things are pure drives from within.
So I just stared at the keyboard for that last 8 minutes. More lost time. My head was playing out a cinema. I do this so often. Sometimes it's the interaction between real people that I know. I'm thinking about what their reactions to situations would be and mine naturally back to them. Sometimes there are completely ficticious characters involved with real people and the mood of the thoughts is much more fantasy than any reality.
My appetite for sex has been returning slowly. As I'm laying in bed I thought just now that it's strange to have sex with someone different. After two years of the same person there's a comfort and a knowledge of likes and dislikes. There are also certain expectations from that knoweldge. You know what turns them on most, the places on their body that are sensitive, the things that they didn't know about and that you found together. And vice versa. They know you. A good sex life fits like a gloove.
I've decided on "peaceful tiger" for the chinese characters for my back. Now how long will it take me to do it?
I spent pretty much all day with Javier and his nieces yesterday. Oh...and Oliver the cat too. I felt some special bond with his younger niece, Erica. I can't explain that any better at the moment. Lynette was a lot of fun as well. So different than my sister of roughly the same age. I also spent some time with Mom & Sarah yesterday.
A person who names their son or daughter after themself? Is this the ultimate in narcissism? Just a lack or originality? Tradition? Yeah, I think it's all about that thing of carrying on something after your death.....progeny. So are gay people truly nature's way of responding to an over-populated planet? Some absolutely perfect molecular precision built into the DNA from the start? We are taught to want so many things and yet other things are pure drives from within.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Dorky
No one really knows that I'm this big ole dork inside. I feel that way all the time and I know it doesn't show until I open my mouth or people hang around me for periods. It's the little secret that is hidden away for the special people to know... or the other dorks that just know when in close proximity. That's always fun. A dork-a-thon.
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Embrace
2:40am Finding ourselves. It's a lifetime in the looking and yet we are always who we are. Even in wanting to be someone else, we are still us.
Nathan is here. YES! Such life surges through me. I can feel his pain. I can sense how much he wants to let it all go. I've so rarely been that friend for him. I have a way about me that doesn't always let that tenderness flow and I know it's from being a product of my own environment. We drove to LAX after work and met with Lanny for 20 minutes while he was in between flights from Hawaii back home to Florida. He was such a happier person than the last time that I saw him. It was apparent. I liked watching Nathan reconnect with him. It was "lil brother and big bro" together. Sensitive eyes begin to glaze.
How do I feel? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I know it's because I'm anticipating some large scale mood change when the reality is that the change will be gradual and I most likely wont notice anything earth shattering. No drama. I feel like dancing. I feel like laying out in the sun. I feel like kissing soft lips. I feel like I can rest my head and dream of the phone calls that will wake.
Nathan is here. YES! Such life surges through me. I can feel his pain. I can sense how much he wants to let it all go. I've so rarely been that friend for him. I have a way about me that doesn't always let that tenderness flow and I know it's from being a product of my own environment. We drove to LAX after work and met with Lanny for 20 minutes while he was in between flights from Hawaii back home to Florida. He was such a happier person than the last time that I saw him. It was apparent. I liked watching Nathan reconnect with him. It was "lil brother and big bro" together. Sensitive eyes begin to glaze.
How do I feel? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I know it's because I'm anticipating some large scale mood change when the reality is that the change will be gradual and I most likely wont notice anything earth shattering. No drama. I feel like dancing. I feel like laying out in the sun. I feel like kissing soft lips. I feel like I can rest my head and dream of the phone calls that will wake.
Friday, May 23, 2003
Lost Time
5:15pm I just lost time. Came back from my daily walk around the building and sat at my desk. I started daydreaming about Javier..... pictured sitting around with friends (not friends that I have now, but fictitious ones) and talking about life. I saw an older couple and how they looked at us and how we were so guarded. Comments were made about how that lessens with age. I found myself smiling at my desk and then realized that I needed to sign in. Sometimes this lost time thing is a good thing.
That much better feeling
12:20pm You go Annie Lennox. "Be mine forever." ((Love Song For A Vampire))
Javier called about 10:30. Try to imagine. I'm lying in bed, blinds and drapes drawn closed, I'm probably in the midst of some dream and that shrill phone ring that I chose starts. Part of me knows that if I just let it go four times that it will be over and I can continue in my half sleep, but a larger part of me is a little kid again--excited by the possibility that it may be Javier so I roll over and squint to see what the phone number is and then answer it. Smile. I'm curled up in a ball, eyes closed, phone to the ear that isn't nestled in a pillow. It doesn't matter what we talk about. It's time on radio frequencies that have been waiting to be used.
I went back to sleep for a bit, then laid in bed staring at the ceiling and listening to music. Very mellow. Clearing my head and preparing for the day. Reflecting on some of the conversation that I was having with my mother online earlier when I couldn't sleep. Phone rings again. Javier is at my door. Am I dreaming? No. A feeling of insecurity pulsates. That gay being that assess physical appearance: having my glasses on, not showered, not shaved, bed head, oily face. Then the realist kicks in. That other part of me that really doesn't care what people think; a side that I've not asserted in as many years.
It was so sweet. It's not that I had forgotten this feeling, it's just that I have not felt it in a long time. Now how to keep it from fading out? How to keep it from stopping me from making progress with me? Yeah. Haha. I'm up for it.
Javier called about 10:30. Try to imagine. I'm lying in bed, blinds and drapes drawn closed, I'm probably in the midst of some dream and that shrill phone ring that I chose starts. Part of me knows that if I just let it go four times that it will be over and I can continue in my half sleep, but a larger part of me is a little kid again--excited by the possibility that it may be Javier so I roll over and squint to see what the phone number is and then answer it. Smile. I'm curled up in a ball, eyes closed, phone to the ear that isn't nestled in a pillow. It doesn't matter what we talk about. It's time on radio frequencies that have been waiting to be used.
I went back to sleep for a bit, then laid in bed staring at the ceiling and listening to music. Very mellow. Clearing my head and preparing for the day. Reflecting on some of the conversation that I was having with my mother online earlier when I couldn't sleep. Phone rings again. Javier is at my door. Am I dreaming? No. A feeling of insecurity pulsates. That gay being that assess physical appearance: having my glasses on, not showered, not shaved, bed head, oily face. Then the realist kicks in. That other part of me that really doesn't care what people think; a side that I've not asserted in as many years.
It was so sweet. It's not that I had forgotten this feeling, it's just that I have not felt it in a long time. Now how to keep it from fading out? How to keep it from stopping me from making progress with me? Yeah. Haha. I'm up for it.
That odd feeling
4:30am I can't sleep. I awoke about an hour ago when my phone rang. While it was ringing I saw that there was a message left by someone else. Dazed. I retrieved the message and it was mom letting me know that she got my test text message earlier in the night. I still had no idea what time it was at this point. Then The phone beeped again as the call that just came in had left a message as well. This time it was Tracy. She didn't sound awake--or well. We share a brain. It seems to be the law that one half of the brain must suffer while the other half is feeling good. Still not completely awake I realize that it's the 3 o'clock hour and try to go back to sleep. I can't. I need to. I must.
Thursday, May 22, 2003
Starry Starry Night
midnight. Another run. I know I wont be hitting any runner's high from my 1.5 miles a night but I don't foresee me running more than say 3 miles at any one time anyway. I never have. Even at the height of my running craze I was only doing about 2 miles a night. It goes back my me and my patience level I presume. There are bags of chips that need to be opened and eaten. =) (Or pints of ice cream)
I talked with Nathan briefly today. He will be in town this weekend. My work schedule the same I'll only have Sunday & Monday with him. This piece of me feels a sense of calm and safety when we're together. We know so much about each other and I trust that. I really do. No one ever would have suspected that about us so many years ago that we have survived while we don't even speak to those who brought us together.
Randy and I talked on the phone today. Exchanged our experiences with rebound sex. In the past I had always detached myself so much thinking that they physical aspect of the sex was satisfying enough. To some extent that was true. It was probably most true when I conditioned my mind to only seek the act as means of gratifying myself. I got off so mission accomplished so-to-speak. But as I've tried to not detach myself so much I've seen how over the years I can't do that anymore. My feelings are an integral part of the experience. Hence....I have not had sex in a very long time.
Javier called on his way home tonight. I locked myself out of my floor at work going to speak on the phone without thinking about taking my badge with me. Silly, infatuated Jeremy. I hope that the infatuation actually survives the slow burn to knowing and liking someone new.
I've enjoyed talking online with Lena, Josh's friend in the past several nights. She's one of those cosmic connection people; a sense like the old soul in me knows the old soul in her.
In my cool-down walk back to the house, I looked up to the stars. I thought of how I talk to the relatives that I've known that have died, but what of all the hundreds of others that have their DNA in me that I never knew or met? It's the mind and memory that give meaning to the more recent beings. I suspect that the sum of all the parts holds some greater meaning that just isn't fathomable. Not to me anyway. Not yet.
I talked with Nathan briefly today. He will be in town this weekend. My work schedule the same I'll only have Sunday & Monday with him. This piece of me feels a sense of calm and safety when we're together. We know so much about each other and I trust that. I really do. No one ever would have suspected that about us so many years ago that we have survived while we don't even speak to those who brought us together.
Randy and I talked on the phone today. Exchanged our experiences with rebound sex. In the past I had always detached myself so much thinking that they physical aspect of the sex was satisfying enough. To some extent that was true. It was probably most true when I conditioned my mind to only seek the act as means of gratifying myself. I got off so mission accomplished so-to-speak. But as I've tried to not detach myself so much I've seen how over the years I can't do that anymore. My feelings are an integral part of the experience. Hence....I have not had sex in a very long time.
Javier called on his way home tonight. I locked myself out of my floor at work going to speak on the phone without thinking about taking my badge with me. Silly, infatuated Jeremy. I hope that the infatuation actually survives the slow burn to knowing and liking someone new.
I've enjoyed talking online with Lena, Josh's friend in the past several nights. She's one of those cosmic connection people; a sense like the old soul in me knows the old soul in her.
In my cool-down walk back to the house, I looked up to the stars. I thought of how I talk to the relatives that I've known that have died, but what of all the hundreds of others that have their DNA in me that I never knew or met? It's the mind and memory that give meaning to the more recent beings. I suspect that the sum of all the parts holds some greater meaning that just isn't fathomable. Not to me anyway. Not yet.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
Random
A funny little dance
A silence I remember
Swinging on a feeling
under starlight
Swimming in a sensation that
is music;
A moment that stops my heart
A silence I remember
Swinging on a feeling
under starlight
Swimming in a sensation that
is music;
A moment that stops my heart
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Daily Briefs
Sitting @ Kaiser---flyer on the wall for:
"Continence Class"
I've removed it so that I can place it on D.R.'s desk @ work.
"Continence Class"
I've removed it so that I can place it on D.R.'s desk @ work.
Monday, May 19, 2003
Sitting naked in my bed
11:05p.m. My therapy appointment was changed to tomorrow at 8a.m. Not my choice, but if I waited until the next available date it would've been longer. I spent about an hour earlier today writing down everything that I think that I want to talk about---or at least the things that seem to be relevant. I had to stop because I realized that I had put every aspect of my life down on paper.
I was online early this morning typing with my sister. I was sharing with her like I would other friends. We talked of boys and life. It was very nice.
There's a lesson I've learned before that I am reminded of now. The CANDY cologne actually started my brain. It was an outstanding coincidence that makes me touch my back and sigh.
My school registration papers came in the mail today. I've torn the perforated edges and made an "anarchy" "A" (sans the circle) with the pieces of paper. So much of me doesn't want to go tomorrow morning. But what can it hurt? Worst case---I'm out $10.
I saw The Matrix: Reloaded for the 3rd time tonight. This time with Ken.
quick thought: what I can't get but want from someone younger. What I wanted at that age? What I still want now? And if I know this, can't I change it or was it meant to be changed? At what point do I accept that this is part of my personality or decide to try and change it? (That's the question I wrote down earlier on my paper of thoughts)
Another phone call with Chuck today. We exchanged updates. I want to have a talk with his other half and try to get him to understand how much Chuck changed and been there for him... but that would just be shifting focus from myself again. I'm an expert at it. But again, isn't that just part of who I am and how I function? Or is it how I disfunction?
I ran tonight. Took a shower and then started typing. I'm all dry now. Body temperature back to normal. No more sweating. I hate being patient for my body to shape.....and to accept this drug.
I was online early this morning typing with my sister. I was sharing with her like I would other friends. We talked of boys and life. It was very nice.
There's a lesson I've learned before that I am reminded of now. The CANDY cologne actually started my brain. It was an outstanding coincidence that makes me touch my back and sigh.
My school registration papers came in the mail today. I've torn the perforated edges and made an "anarchy" "A" (sans the circle) with the pieces of paper. So much of me doesn't want to go tomorrow morning. But what can it hurt? Worst case---I'm out $10.
I saw The Matrix: Reloaded for the 3rd time tonight. This time with Ken.
quick thought: what I can't get but want from someone younger. What I wanted at that age? What I still want now? And if I know this, can't I change it or was it meant to be changed? At what point do I accept that this is part of my personality or decide to try and change it? (That's the question I wrote down earlier on my paper of thoughts)
Another phone call with Chuck today. We exchanged updates. I want to have a talk with his other half and try to get him to understand how much Chuck changed and been there for him... but that would just be shifting focus from myself again. I'm an expert at it. But again, isn't that just part of who I am and how I function? Or is it how I disfunction?
I ran tonight. Took a shower and then started typing. I'm all dry now. Body temperature back to normal. No more sweating. I hate being patient for my body to shape.....and to accept this drug.
Sailing in saline
11:00p.m. Sometimes I dream things that leave an impression when I wake up. It's my subconscious either preparing me for something that I need to know or do, or it's something that I have pushed so far out of my mind but that has to be dealt with. Dreams teach me lessons that I may be unwilling to learn on my own.
Shattered. The glass that I've been looking through out to those around me is cracking. In looking in toward me everyone has been seeing my pain and the image is distorted. As I crack the glass it seems that I'm turning that image back at the onlookers because their pain is coming into focus again. It's not that I don't care. I care deeply. I also know that I am in a delicate situation where I could easily lose focus if I don't concentrate on me right now. I don't think I've ever cared so much about getting to the root of my issues as I do now. As I told Matt online earlier today.... we all have issues, some of us have a magazine stand full and some just a basket.
If I have sex right away it's always created this false foundation. At the very least one that sets an expectation that is not grounded. I'm old enough to know what I want and not to play around. I just need to be clear. I hope I am.
Shattered. The glass that I've been looking through out to those around me is cracking. In looking in toward me everyone has been seeing my pain and the image is distorted. As I crack the glass it seems that I'm turning that image back at the onlookers because their pain is coming into focus again. It's not that I don't care. I care deeply. I also know that I am in a delicate situation where I could easily lose focus if I don't concentrate on me right now. I don't think I've ever cared so much about getting to the root of my issues as I do now. As I told Matt online earlier today.... we all have issues, some of us have a magazine stand full and some just a basket.
If I have sex right away it's always created this false foundation. At the very least one that sets an expectation that is not grounded. I'm old enough to know what I want and not to play around. I just need to be clear. I hope I am.
Saturday, May 17, 2003
Three Hour Thoughts
12:30p.m. Just off the phone with Javier for the 2nd time this morning. He was kind enough to wake me at 9:30a.m. He has no idea how much I must be into him; proven by my willingness to stay on the phone instead of hanging up. So for the last three hours I've been awake and fishing through my head the many things that aren't in order yet. But before I start to ramble about that....
When I talk on the phone with Javier I seem to do all the talking. I feel instinct kicking in. I don't know yet if he isn't comfortable with me or if this is simply his personality. We're hanging out tomorrow and I hope to have this understood.
Looking back into my youth for answers to the math problems of today. The formulas aren't the same anymore. Math has always appealed to the black & white portion of my brain. In growing, I have sought out understanding the shades in between. This makes the logic less important and often times the emotion more relevant.
Paperwork--to file. Perhaps tonight after work.
Day two of glasses. My eyes are thankful.
I just thought of Jared...."Impulse GO!" "Star Guitar" by Chemical Brothers brought the thought on. I wonder where he is in this world.
Long Beach Pride is today and tomorrow. yippee. I haven't gone in several years and have no plans to go today or tomorrow. Am I getting more conservative or just tired?
Keeping on track... running would be in the picture tonight.
Depending on what shift bid I get, I may have to alter the three classes I'm taking for Summer school.
There is still poetry in my head but I ponder it so much that I think maybe it never comes out. I'm tired of writing shit. Take that how you want.
When I talk on the phone with Javier I seem to do all the talking. I feel instinct kicking in. I don't know yet if he isn't comfortable with me or if this is simply his personality. We're hanging out tomorrow and I hope to have this understood.
Looking back into my youth for answers to the math problems of today. The formulas aren't the same anymore. Math has always appealed to the black & white portion of my brain. In growing, I have sought out understanding the shades in between. This makes the logic less important and often times the emotion more relevant.
Paperwork--to file. Perhaps tonight after work.
Day two of glasses. My eyes are thankful.
I just thought of Jared...."Impulse GO!" "Star Guitar" by Chemical Brothers brought the thought on. I wonder where he is in this world.
Long Beach Pride is today and tomorrow. yippee. I haven't gone in several years and have no plans to go today or tomorrow. Am I getting more conservative or just tired?
Keeping on track... running would be in the picture tonight.
Depending on what shift bid I get, I may have to alter the three classes I'm taking for Summer school.
There is still poetry in my head but I ponder it so much that I think maybe it never comes out. I'm tired of writing shit. Take that how you want.
Friday, May 16, 2003
Many variations of the solitaire game
10:00p.m. I went to the movies by myself yesterday to see The Matrix: Reloaded. I get so tense during action sequences. I had my day planner in my lap and at times I felt how tightly I was grasping it. This then transferred attention to my body temperature the heat coming off of me. My hands were moist. I'm like this a lot in the theater. I am completely involved with what I am watching. There were no tears for this flick, but I think of them now; how other movies...MOVE me.
Doing things by myself. It's not hard. It's not preferred either. I think sometimes it's too easy. In those rare moments when I'm driven to read and I'm in my room, I've started "Walden" by Thoreau.
Doing things by myself. It's not hard. It's not preferred either. I think sometimes it's too easy. In those rare moments when I'm driven to read and I'm in my room, I've started "Walden" by Thoreau.
Today's American Life
1:40p.m. When I went into the bathroom to take my late-to-rise shower, my face had lost an accessory. Two red holes were in place where my eyebrow bar piercing once rested. I found the bar and one ball on my bed, but the other ball has been lost. If all things have a reason, perhaps it's time for these holes to close up and heal.
I went to TigerHeat last night with Josh & his entourage of women. Fun enough, but was glad to be in bed by 4ish.
Cheddy in Vegas. I wish I could have gone, but I've taken enough time off of work lately.
School.
I went to TigerHeat last night with Josh & his entourage of women. Fun enough, but was glad to be in bed by 4ish.
Cheddy in Vegas. I wish I could have gone, but I've taken enough time off of work lately.
School.
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Daily Briefs
What do I do when the clock has dropped it's arms because my time has passed?
A mom has brought her troop of teens to watch the movie. [The Matrix: Reloaded] She sits in the back by herself and they move up front. What a cool mom.
I will I will
even if the sun won't blink
I can I can
when you smile.
A mom has brought her troop of teens to watch the movie. [The Matrix: Reloaded] She sits in the back by herself and they move up front. What a cool mom.
I will I will
even if the sun won't blink
I can I can
when you smile.
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Finger Paints
1:45a.m. Headphones covering ears. Eva Cassidy takes on John Lennon's "Imagine" and I wonder how much folk music I could handle before my eyes would supply the world with water.
Chuck called to talk about Saturday Night with Ken. Chuck has a big mouth, but we love him for it. Ken has the unlucky distinction of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when it comes to me. I will always have a sense of some friendship duty with Chuck not to go there and that's probably no comfort to him. He's attractive and smart and an ideal candidate for dating. (Age aside) This bed was made a long time ago.
I walked into work with uncertainty and saw a shift bid waiting at my desk. I reviewed it with trepidation. Having my "once through" seemed strange, as this is the first bid at Verizon Wireless that I didn't consult Randy on before completing. The choices aren't that grand. I can opt for day shifts where I will take Business Account calls or go back to graveyard where I felt stale and never quite part of the real world. Maybe I can make better use of my night time? The problem now is that I foresee a lot of people moving for the night shifts. Next week it will all unfold. If my schedule were nicer I'd be able to have dinner some time with Javier on a Saturday. Haha...as it is now, I fall asleep about the time he wakes up.
I'm going to stop taking the 5-htp. I figure that it could be adding to my sleepiness; the sluggish rise in the morning. Today was the first morning that I didn't feel chained to my bed. I could attribute it to many things... but I really think it's just the passage of time. I've weathered another chemical spill and without any major casualties. I still don't enjoy wading through this mess. FLASH... don't know if I wrote about it previously but I had a bloody nose last week. The first one I've had in as long as I can remember. It was odd because I didn't hit my nose or anything. They used to happen all of the time when I was a child--especially in the Summer.
My brother, Philip, will graduate from college this weekend. A part of me really wishes that I could be there; that part of me that sees education as something worthy of praise and accomplishment. A part of me hopes that he can understand me not being there. A part of me feels that it would make no difference to him one way or the other as I'm as much a stranger to him as I am a brother.
Chuck called to talk about Saturday Night with Ken. Chuck has a big mouth, but we love him for it. Ken has the unlucky distinction of being in the wrong place at the wrong time when it comes to me. I will always have a sense of some friendship duty with Chuck not to go there and that's probably no comfort to him. He's attractive and smart and an ideal candidate for dating. (Age aside) This bed was made a long time ago.
I walked into work with uncertainty and saw a shift bid waiting at my desk. I reviewed it with trepidation. Having my "once through" seemed strange, as this is the first bid at Verizon Wireless that I didn't consult Randy on before completing. The choices aren't that grand. I can opt for day shifts where I will take Business Account calls or go back to graveyard where I felt stale and never quite part of the real world. Maybe I can make better use of my night time? The problem now is that I foresee a lot of people moving for the night shifts. Next week it will all unfold. If my schedule were nicer I'd be able to have dinner some time with Javier on a Saturday. Haha...as it is now, I fall asleep about the time he wakes up.
I'm going to stop taking the 5-htp. I figure that it could be adding to my sleepiness; the sluggish rise in the morning. Today was the first morning that I didn't feel chained to my bed. I could attribute it to many things... but I really think it's just the passage of time. I've weathered another chemical spill and without any major casualties. I still don't enjoy wading through this mess. FLASH... don't know if I wrote about it previously but I had a bloody nose last week. The first one I've had in as long as I can remember. It was odd because I didn't hit my nose or anything. They used to happen all of the time when I was a child--especially in the Summer.
My brother, Philip, will graduate from college this weekend. A part of me really wishes that I could be there; that part of me that sees education as something worthy of praise and accomplishment. A part of me hopes that he can understand me not being there. A part of me feels that it would make no difference to him one way or the other as I'm as much a stranger to him as I am a brother.
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
Spork in the road
11:39p.m. (Monday) I ran. I didn't think I was going to do it today but it boiled down to the thought that if I don't start I can't start. I can't remain in a stalemate with myself. It's dull and ultimately I wouldn't tolerate it in anyone else.
I met with Mark today and apologized for my no show at his performance yesterday. I gave him the brief version of what is plaguing me. I think I bullet pointed everything that I know I'm dealing with. I still feel there's a deeper level that I'm not seeing yet. I'm ice skating just above the fishing pond.
Last night's kiss still has me. It's always pleasant when someone can kiss well, but I really sense goodness in Javier. I'm actually very excited about seeing him sometime next Sunday. It's a thrill that whispers in my ears and imbues the space in-between.
Shea butter and stretch marks? I think this is one battle of age that I'm just going to have to accept gracefully and look forward. Hahahaha... what a crock. And I don't even have the kids to blame for them.
I met with Mark today and apologized for my no show at his performance yesterday. I gave him the brief version of what is plaguing me. I think I bullet pointed everything that I know I'm dealing with. I still feel there's a deeper level that I'm not seeing yet. I'm ice skating just above the fishing pond.
Last night's kiss still has me. It's always pleasant when someone can kiss well, but I really sense goodness in Javier. I'm actually very excited about seeing him sometime next Sunday. It's a thrill that whispers in my ears and imbues the space in-between.
Shea butter and stretch marks? I think this is one battle of age that I'm just going to have to accept gracefully and look forward. Hahahaha... what a crock. And I don't even have the kids to blame for them.
Monday, May 12, 2003
Can't Sleep
5:13a.m. Strangely I have been waking up all night long. 2-something, then again in the 4 o'clock hour and now.... This last time I thought I was dreaming because when I woke up I didn't know where I was. Looking around, nothing appeared to be from my room.
I wonder if I've been having nightmares and not remembering them. I've always thought it was strange that I don't have bad dreams....that I can count on one hand the three times I can remember terrible feelings in my dreams that roused me from sleep; sometimes out of breath.
I wonder if I've been having nightmares and not remembering them. I've always thought it was strange that I don't have bad dreams....that I can count on one hand the three times I can remember terrible feelings in my dreams that roused me from sleep; sometimes out of breath.
Sunday, May 11, 2003
Tempting
11:34p.m. How do I feel? I am just back from walking the Montage Resort with Javier. We were lifeguards. A half moon lit the waves, the sand, our faces. Soft lips. Kindred kisses. I don't know what clicked in me to try now. My vibe? Or have I really been so changed by weeks of introspection that I am allowing myself the liberty of getting to know someone and sharing myself? Sometimes being spontaneous is the key to remaining alive.
But even I have my limits with spontaneity. I didn't want to get sexual with kissing and kept hands from roaming. I laughed when I sensed a difference in intent. It's not that I don't want to have sex...it's that I don't want to have sex. =) I'm tired of sex without meaning and I can't exactly have meaning with someone I just met. I have a feeling and it's a good one and I know one worth developing.
Wow... 3 entries in one day.
But even I have my limits with spontaneity. I didn't want to get sexual with kissing and kept hands from roaming. I laughed when I sensed a difference in intent. It's not that I don't want to have sex...it's that I don't want to have sex. =) I'm tired of sex without meaning and I can't exactly have meaning with someone I just met. I have a feeling and it's a good one and I know one worth developing.
Wow... 3 entries in one day.
Snap out of it
8:17a.m. I was staring out into the ocean. I was calmed by the crashing of the waves to the sand. I was surrounded by the sun and dug my feet into the sand. There is always that sense of peace when a feeling is confirmed. (Even if the knowledge isn't something that I necessarily want to hear.)
On the drive to the beach I got a call from Nathan. Splintered as I have felt this past few weeks I've not been much of a friend to talk to for problems. It bothers me that I am not up to par, but at the same time I know & feel that he understands I am going through a lot in my mind. I often wonder why it's so difficult to tackle his demons. Then I look in the mirror and say that to myself.
Randy called me today with a response to my outpour last Sunday. He said that he was very much in love with Ryan. Good for him. Hearing him say it with the tone in his voice showed me how much he cared when he said it. Not just cared for Ryan, but being gentle in trying to explain it to me. The story from the night Lanny was here is holding true again. I've entered another boy's life and he's changed me and I him. Another stored heartbeat.
So how do I feel? I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I think I'm actually starting to come out of my slump, but this doesn't mean run out into the mix and try to find that relationship pool. It also means that I need to take more risks when it comes to people and not hold them at arm's distance. With school starting next month and a potential change in the shift I'll be working, I need to keep focused. More reading. ick..
On the drive to the beach I got a call from Nathan. Splintered as I have felt this past few weeks I've not been much of a friend to talk to for problems. It bothers me that I am not up to par, but at the same time I know & feel that he understands I am going through a lot in my mind. I often wonder why it's so difficult to tackle his demons. Then I look in the mirror and say that to myself.
Randy called me today with a response to my outpour last Sunday. He said that he was very much in love with Ryan. Good for him. Hearing him say it with the tone in his voice showed me how much he cared when he said it. Not just cared for Ryan, but being gentle in trying to explain it to me. The story from the night Lanny was here is holding true again. I've entered another boy's life and he's changed me and I him. Another stored heartbeat.
So how do I feel? I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I think I'm actually starting to come out of my slump, but this doesn't mean run out into the mix and try to find that relationship pool. It also means that I need to take more risks when it comes to people and not hold them at arm's distance. With school starting next month and a potential change in the shift I'll be working, I need to keep focused. More reading. ick..
Mountain Dew, Red Bull & Sky
10:33a.m. Some dreams.....in the nighttime... and some things... left unsaid... am I falling apart? Or just slowly self-destructing from within because I'm too afraid of looking in the mirror to accept what one may call cowardice and another calls salvation?
My room is scattered. Books tossed aside from last night's struggle to get wires in place and music to play. Hic. Hiccup. For a moment I think I might have to run to the bathroom, but that's not true and I stay here. My clock has been unplugged. I think I did that last night. There's a memory of sitting back on the couch and watching The Matrix, but I can't remember being put to bed. I am sad. ((long pause))
I picked up around my room to fill the pause and lack of words. I come back to the same thought that I don't want....that I have to call someone else to find out what occurred. I already spoke with Sebastian and he left in the middle of the movie which I vaguely remember. He informed me of my hand motions and Eddie saying something to me about it and Chuck elbowing him. I shudder to think what else might have leaked out as I was sitting next to Ken and Chuck there. Fuck...this not knowing.. the ringing in my ears. High I remember everythinig. Drunk... hit & miss. Time to call chuck...11:00a.m. Voice mail. Lovely.
No headache though. This is an improvement over last week? Not really. I just find more ways to poke at myself. Part of me doesn't want to go to Mark's show today because of my overall feeling, but a sense of obligation and a genuine interest in seeing the show exists. I plugged in the clock and set the alarm.
What will I do with the Snowdens of Yesteryear?
My room is scattered. Books tossed aside from last night's struggle to get wires in place and music to play. Hic. Hiccup. For a moment I think I might have to run to the bathroom, but that's not true and I stay here. My clock has been unplugged. I think I did that last night. There's a memory of sitting back on the couch and watching The Matrix, but I can't remember being put to bed. I am sad. ((long pause))
I picked up around my room to fill the pause and lack of words. I come back to the same thought that I don't want....that I have to call someone else to find out what occurred. I already spoke with Sebastian and he left in the middle of the movie which I vaguely remember. He informed me of my hand motions and Eddie saying something to me about it and Chuck elbowing him. I shudder to think what else might have leaked out as I was sitting next to Ken and Chuck there. Fuck...this not knowing.. the ringing in my ears. High I remember everythinig. Drunk... hit & miss. Time to call chuck...11:00a.m. Voice mail. Lovely.
No headache though. This is an improvement over last week? Not really. I just find more ways to poke at myself. Part of me doesn't want to go to Mark's show today because of my overall feeling, but a sense of obligation and a genuine interest in seeing the show exists. I plugged in the clock and set the alarm.
What will I do with the Snowdens of Yesteryear?
Thursday, May 08, 2003
Daily Brief
I came here to find something. But I'm not here. (BEACH)
--Negative Thoughts-- (Driving)
Now another place and I'm not sure I'm here either but I feel something for the first time today. (Randy's Place)
Long standing Hope.
--Negative Thoughts-- (Driving)
Now another place and I'm not sure I'm here either but I feel something for the first time today. (Randy's Place)
Long standing Hope.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Aye eye EYE Aye
2:22a.m. Fated lovers share the emergency room. Such a shame that the hardships placed on one soul will build constructive programs in one head and destructive ones in another. I know Chuck loves him. It's clear. I still picture them in Las Vegas watching the Bellagio water show and that image crystalizes that love potential. The hard part is the work in desiring to continue. When being a boy doesn't mix well with learning to love.
Natalie Imbruglia speaks to me more than I ever knew. Haha. More than him? Are my doubts worthy or praise?
Julia Roberts: "If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"
Brad Pitt: "Never."
--from the movie "The Mexican"
Natalie Imbruglia speaks to me more than I ever knew. Haha. More than him? Are my doubts worthy or praise?
Julia Roberts: "If two people love each other, but they just can't seem to get it together, when do you get to the point where enough is enough?"
Brad Pitt: "Never."
--from the movie "The Mexican"
Monday, May 05, 2003
That space afterwards
I never want to feel not wanted. Is that a double negative? I never want to feel unwanted. I don't want to make someone else feel that way either. Leaving the brunch yesterday I drove up PCH toward Huntington Beach. I parked on Magnolia and stared out toward the water. Air conditioner running. "I can't take this pain anymore." panged within. So I called Randy and let everything in my head out.
I feel better. Well enough to pay bills today. YaY! Dimetapp taking over now... eyes closing.
Troubled By The Way We Came Together
by: Natalie Imbruglia
From hand to hand you bought and sold
Blood is the shield against the weather
Became a stone for fear of being melted
Trouble from the day we came together
When you recover, from yesterdays low
True slave to traction of pleasure
I collect the embers as I watch you grow
You left along the way we came together
As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you star far from home
I will believe I will believe
Flames of love immerse you
Cradle and coerce you
Shadows overrun the place you play
Names of love remind along the way
Seems shallowed by the way we came together
My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together
As you breathe, as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe
Cause you are here today, and gone tomorrow
Basking in the fields of never never
You wanted today, mmm but I wanted forever
Troubled by the way we came together
My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together
As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray, as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe
Cause you are here today
And gone tomorrow
I feel better. Well enough to pay bills today. YaY! Dimetapp taking over now... eyes closing.
Troubled By The Way We Came Together
by: Natalie Imbruglia
From hand to hand you bought and sold
Blood is the shield against the weather
Became a stone for fear of being melted
Trouble from the day we came together
When you recover, from yesterdays low
True slave to traction of pleasure
I collect the embers as I watch you grow
You left along the way we came together
As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you star far from home
I will believe I will believe
Flames of love immerse you
Cradle and coerce you
Shadows overrun the place you play
Names of love remind along the way
Seems shallowed by the way we came together
My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together
As you breathe, as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe
Cause you are here today, and gone tomorrow
Basking in the fields of never never
You wanted today, mmm but I wanted forever
Troubled by the way we came together
My heart carries on, mmm
But my head knows better
Troubled by the way we came together
As you breathe as you breathe it to life
You will lead, you will lead
As you stray, as you stray far from home
I will believe, I will believe
Cause you are here today
And gone tomorrow
Sunday, May 04, 2003
Seconds to Minutes to Hours
Air drying a little. Almost 9:30a.m. Shortly I'll be off to the Mother's Day Brunch that I've spent the last couple months putting together. Simple really, but finding out who was interested and then coordinating was a pain.
Oh my love you are not at the bottom of a drink. I'm not sure sure if I was trying to look for you there or running away from you. (Further) If you were sitting near me right now you would feel the heat. I felt it pulse and put a light sweat on my forehead. This head/heart disconnect is tearing me apart. And it's not the rain that falls off my chin.
Oh my love you are not at the bottom of a drink. I'm not sure sure if I was trying to look for you there or running away from you. (Further) If you were sitting near me right now you would feel the heat. I felt it pulse and put a light sweat on my forehead. This head/heart disconnect is tearing me apart. And it's not the rain that falls off my chin.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Friendly Fill Ins
2:45p.m. I don't think I can hang my head any lower than it is at the moment. I'm on the phone with Chuck and he's filling in everything I have no memory of from last night. It is amazing how the mind will work to protect you. Selectively altering perception and completely leaving out sections to allow you to continue functioning.
What did I miss? I fell a couple times. I knocked drinks over and a speaker. I went running in the rain. I fell into a bush. I "disappeared" for a while--as Chuck put it. I was trying to come on to some kid who wasn't having it. Aye! I smoked a cigarrette...then left the bud hanging in my mouth for a while. Eeeww. I ran down the driveway dragging Eddie with me (then fell in the aforementioned bush). As they got in the car, I jumped on the hood and had my face on the windshield. I laugh now....but I probably would be one of the first to mention how messy "this person" was had I been witnessing it. If I were a social butterfly, I think this would be the beginnings of my pariah period. But, since I'm not... I figure it's just another night swept clean under the rug. Down the gutter with the rain.
What did I miss? I fell a couple times. I knocked drinks over and a speaker. I went running in the rain. I fell into a bush. I "disappeared" for a while--as Chuck put it. I was trying to come on to some kid who wasn't having it. Aye! I smoked a cigarrette...then left the bud hanging in my mouth for a while. Eeeww. I ran down the driveway dragging Eddie with me (then fell in the aforementioned bush). As they got in the car, I jumped on the hood and had my face on the windshield. I laugh now....but I probably would be one of the first to mention how messy "this person" was had I been witnessing it. If I were a social butterfly, I think this would be the beginnings of my pariah period. But, since I'm not... I figure it's just another night swept clean under the rug. Down the gutter with the rain.
Valley Party
7:17a.m. I'm slumped over to th left. Back seat of Chuck's car. I don't know the time right away, nor where I am exactly. Flourescent lighting all around, I quickly figure it's parking garage. It reminds me of living in Anaheim. Very similar feel. Pipe lining the ceiling. An intense sensation of having to use the restroom. I'm wearing my zipper-up black shirt/jacket. This was not what I was wearing at the party the night before. The pull-over shirt/jacket I was wearing is next to me. The ProPel water bottle I had purchased at the gas station the night before was near my feet. I know that I'm still dizzy/drunk. I put my head back down and try to sleep.
What's the last thing I remember? Cute boys. Big house. Drinking. I think we were outside. Oh shit...another blackout night. Not good. Now I have to call to fill in the blank period.
When I got home, I felt sick. I went to the shower and tried to stretch/meditate like I normally do in the mornings. It was successful in quashing the nausea, but not in centering me. I dryed of quickly, towel around waist, into the room, towel thrown about the chair and laid down in my bed.
1:20p.m. I wake up nude in bed, curled up in a ball. I'm cold. I fumble for the blanket and am instantly warm, but know I can't stay in this comfortable position. I call work and get my confirmation number for sick time. ::::Interesting side note to myself, typing this entire entry is a series of wrong keys being pushed and typos. I'm having to stop every 5th or 6th word to correct myself. My fingers are not steady.::::::
It rained last night. It's gray out my window now. I feel a headache around my frontal lobe extending like an olive wreathe around my crown. Asprin, Ibuprofen or that Aleeve stuff? (Naproxy Sodium?) Maybe one of each. Hmm... now for that phone call and my memory back.
What's the last thing I remember? Cute boys. Big house. Drinking. I think we were outside. Oh shit...another blackout night. Not good. Now I have to call to fill in the blank period.
When I got home, I felt sick. I went to the shower and tried to stretch/meditate like I normally do in the mornings. It was successful in quashing the nausea, but not in centering me. I dryed of quickly, towel around waist, into the room, towel thrown about the chair and laid down in my bed.
1:20p.m. I wake up nude in bed, curled up in a ball. I'm cold. I fumble for the blanket and am instantly warm, but know I can't stay in this comfortable position. I call work and get my confirmation number for sick time. ::::Interesting side note to myself, typing this entire entry is a series of wrong keys being pushed and typos. I'm having to stop every 5th or 6th word to correct myself. My fingers are not steady.::::::
It rained last night. It's gray out my window now. I feel a headache around my frontal lobe extending like an olive wreathe around my crown. Asprin, Ibuprofen or that Aleeve stuff? (Naproxy Sodium?) Maybe one of each. Hmm... now for that phone call and my memory back.
Thursday, May 01, 2003
Dose #2
I wake up before the alarm. Sore throat--dry. Retainer still glued intact, the aching pain that is bareable to me but would cause another to whine and run for the ibuprofen. ((Although I should probably take some now to lessen the ache later)) The number one side effect has already begun. Why is it that 40% of people on anti-depressants have some sort of sexual interferance? With me it's an increased desire to have it, but an almost impossible task to finish. I think that if I meditate on the subject for a while the answer will come. ahahahahaha
Naptime.
Naptime.
May Day! May Day!
1:40a.m. May Day! May Day! My landing gear is down and the chairs are in their fully upright position. There is something in me that is giving in; throwing in the towel. I've had the means all this time. It's what people all over fail to see, including myself. It's the answer that is in front of you that you don't want to see even when it's pressing into your heart, burning you, running you over.
I awoke yesterday (Wednesday) in the mental state of not wanting to move from bed. It was an effort to press snooze on the alarm clock. I wanted to turn it off, but sanity prevailed and knew that I would eventually have to get up for work. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Reset alarm for later time. Snooze. Finally I did turn the alarm off, but only because I knew that I was awake---but still immobile. I hate this feeling. I hate the horrible state of not being about to make a decision or choose something. I feel helpless which makes me angry which drains my energy which perpetuates this cycle. A DECISION WAS MADE. No work today. Confirmation #157ICS. lol
My hair is growing back from the last head shave. It's in the pre-in-between stage. I'll pretty much not be able to do anything with it for the next 2 weeks as it grows to a spiking length.
I showered and shaved. I can look in the mirror and feel good about how I look, but the reflection doesn't mesh with the feeling. The feeling is dark and painful. The reflection reminds me that there is something beautiful inside that is wilted but is not dead completely. I WANT OUT AGAIN. I want to play. I want to be free. I want to love. I want to feel like a part of something greater than myself.
I drove down PCH to Dana Point and met with my mother briefly. I felt an instinctual need to be around her; nearness to origin. The ocean induces that feeling also. I left her and drove back up PCH. At the point of decision between going to Huntington Beach or turning up MacArthur and going home, I chose the home route. I stopped at Target and spent over an hour walking around the store. Nothing specific in mind other than I wanted to use the gift certificates that I had.
After Target, back in my room and I'm spinning for some solution. I grab my travel bag and take out the Prozac from last year and dose. I then call the refill line and get a refill for tomorrow. 10-day supply left here. The effects should be noticeable by the time I have my appointment in 22 days. This is the thing that has been here with me, in front of my face forever and I have just never used it. I have always avoided being on medication. This is the thing in me that has lost and hopefully it is a loss that will benefit me overall.
2:43a.m. I promised myself to start wearing my retainer. It's only been....oh... 3 years since I've tried to put it in my mouth. Were it not for the Nyquil right now, the simple OUCH that I feel might be.. OH FUCK!
I hope for hope.
I hope to dream.
I awoke yesterday (Wednesday) in the mental state of not wanting to move from bed. It was an effort to press snooze on the alarm clock. I wanted to turn it off, but sanity prevailed and knew that I would eventually have to get up for work. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Reset alarm for later time. Snooze. Finally I did turn the alarm off, but only because I knew that I was awake---but still immobile. I hate this feeling. I hate the horrible state of not being about to make a decision or choose something. I feel helpless which makes me angry which drains my energy which perpetuates this cycle. A DECISION WAS MADE. No work today. Confirmation #157ICS. lol
My hair is growing back from the last head shave. It's in the pre-in-between stage. I'll pretty much not be able to do anything with it for the next 2 weeks as it grows to a spiking length.
I showered and shaved. I can look in the mirror and feel good about how I look, but the reflection doesn't mesh with the feeling. The feeling is dark and painful. The reflection reminds me that there is something beautiful inside that is wilted but is not dead completely. I WANT OUT AGAIN. I want to play. I want to be free. I want to love. I want to feel like a part of something greater than myself.
I drove down PCH to Dana Point and met with my mother briefly. I felt an instinctual need to be around her; nearness to origin. The ocean induces that feeling also. I left her and drove back up PCH. At the point of decision between going to Huntington Beach or turning up MacArthur and going home, I chose the home route. I stopped at Target and spent over an hour walking around the store. Nothing specific in mind other than I wanted to use the gift certificates that I had.
After Target, back in my room and I'm spinning for some solution. I grab my travel bag and take out the Prozac from last year and dose. I then call the refill line and get a refill for tomorrow. 10-day supply left here. The effects should be noticeable by the time I have my appointment in 22 days. This is the thing that has been here with me, in front of my face forever and I have just never used it. I have always avoided being on medication. This is the thing in me that has lost and hopefully it is a loss that will benefit me overall.
2:43a.m. I promised myself to start wearing my retainer. It's only been....oh... 3 years since I've tried to put it in my mouth. Were it not for the Nyquil right now, the simple OUCH that I feel might be.. OH FUCK!
I hope for hope.
I hope to dream.
