May Day! May Day!

1:40a.m. May Day! May Day! My landing gear is down and the chairs are in their fully upright position. There is something in me that is giving in; throwing in the towel. I've had the means all this time. It's what people all over fail to see, including myself. It's the answer that is in front of you that you don't want to see even when it's pressing into your heart, burning you, running you over.

I awoke yesterday (Wednesday) in the mental state of not wanting to move from bed. It was an effort to press snooze on the alarm clock. I wanted to turn it off, but sanity prevailed and knew that I would eventually have to get up for work. Snooze. Snooze. Snooze. Reset alarm for later time. Snooze. Finally I did turn the alarm off, but only because I knew that I was awake---but still immobile. I hate this feeling. I hate the horrible state of not being about to make a decision or choose something. I feel helpless which makes me angry which drains my energy which perpetuates this cycle. A DECISION WAS MADE. No work today. Confirmation #157ICS. lol

My hair is growing back from the last head shave. It's in the pre-in-between stage. I'll pretty much not be able to do anything with it for the next 2 weeks as it grows to a spiking length.

I showered and shaved. I can look in the mirror and feel good about how I look, but the reflection doesn't mesh with the feeling. The feeling is dark and painful. The reflection reminds me that there is something beautiful inside that is wilted but is not dead completely. I WANT OUT AGAIN. I want to play. I want to be free. I want to love. I want to feel like a part of something greater than myself.

I drove down PCH to Dana Point and met with my mother briefly. I felt an instinctual need to be around her; nearness to origin. The ocean induces that feeling also. I left her and drove back up PCH. At the point of decision between going to Huntington Beach or turning up MacArthur and going home, I chose the home route. I stopped at Target and spent over an hour walking around the store. Nothing specific in mind other than I wanted to use the gift certificates that I had.

After Target, back in my room and I'm spinning for some solution. I grab my travel bag and take out the Prozac from last year and dose. I then call the refill line and get a refill for tomorrow. 10-day supply left here. The effects should be noticeable by the time I have my appointment in 22 days. This is the thing that has been here with me, in front of my face forever and I have just never used it. I have always avoided being on medication. This is the thing in me that has lost and hopefully it is a loss that will benefit me overall.

2:43a.m. I promised myself to start wearing my retainer. It's only been....oh... 3 years since I've tried to put it in my mouth. Were it not for the Nyquil right now, the simple OUCH that I feel might be.. OH FUCK!

I hope for hope.
I hope to dream.