Snap out of it

8:17a.m. I was staring out into the ocean. I was calmed by the crashing of the waves to the sand. I was surrounded by the sun and dug my feet into the sand. There is always that sense of peace when a feeling is confirmed. (Even if the knowledge isn't something that I necessarily want to hear.)

On the drive to the beach I got a call from Nathan. Splintered as I have felt this past few weeks I've not been much of a friend to talk to for problems. It bothers me that I am not up to par, but at the same time I know & feel that he understands I am going through a lot in my mind. I often wonder why it's so difficult to tackle his demons. Then I look in the mirror and say that to myself.

Randy called me today with a response to my outpour last Sunday. He said that he was very much in love with Ryan. Good for him. Hearing him say it with the tone in his voice showed me how much he cared when he said it. Not just cared for Ryan, but being gentle in trying to explain it to me. The story from the night Lanny was here is holding true again. I've entered another boy's life and he's changed me and I him. Another stored heartbeat.

So how do I feel? I'm not numb. I'm not sad. I think I'm actually starting to come out of my slump, but this doesn't mean run out into the mix and try to find that relationship pool. It also means that I need to take more risks when it comes to people and not hold them at arm's distance. With school starting next month and a potential change in the shift I'll be working, I need to keep focused. More reading. ick..