Sleeping with the window open

9:50am Early to rise. I didn't fall asleep until close to 4:30 this morning and here I am awake already. At least the last 20 minutes. I think I'm going to play with the time I take my medication today. I seem to get tired at work 2-3 hours after getting there. So maybe dosing at 9pm or my last break at 9:45 will get me in bed earlier. TBD.

Why is the obvious what eludes us so often? Have our minds developed so much that we're looking in the clouds rather than feeling the ground that we walk on? Although I'm thinking of a conversation with Randy yesterday as I write this paragraph I just had a flash of tribal people and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. What we as a civilized world may look at as primitive in terms of industrialization is really something quite rich when often we have forgotten to hold or share the simplicity of affection. So the conversation centered around why I wouldn't notice any change in myself when others can readily see it. He surmised that I don't see a change because the thoughts I have are always there so nothing has changed or is new to me, but what gets outwardly expressed changes. Whether I know it or not I'm letting out more of what's inside. I've compartmentalized for so long I can even fool myself. It was what I had to do to survive so long ago but I'm not in that space anymore. Not for a long time.

Art has flown off to Orlando for business and pleasure. His father passed last Friday. We sat in the hot tub two nights ago and shared thoughts on family. I realized that I told him more about me that night than I probably have the whole time I've lived here.

I'm so damn impatient. Seeing Javier but once a week has built in this reality check safety net. It makes me focus on really trying to get to know him to see if my instinct danger sirens go off. When Randy told me that he and Ryan only saw each other about two days a week part of me thought, "how perfect." (Just long enough to have all the good times without learning any of the bad) You can be your best for someone and they never have to see you the other times when you're actually living real life. Mark and I were talking yesterday and he was relating how his most recent relationship--though shorter than a previous one--is someone affecting him more deeply. I said that it wasn't the time of the relationship that would necessarily determine one's emotional involvement, rather one's own level of opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another. In saying this I both understood my own passage with Randy and now his with Ryan and am less bitter all around.

I wrote cousin Shirley an e-mail. I started a list of things to accomplish in life. It's short now, but I'm sure it will grow. I'm sure I will grow.