Mountain Dew, Red Bull & Sky

10:33a.m. Some dreams.....in the nighttime... and some things... left unsaid... am I falling apart? Or just slowly self-destructing from within because I'm too afraid of looking in the mirror to accept what one may call cowardice and another calls salvation?

My room is scattered. Books tossed aside from last night's struggle to get wires in place and music to play. Hic. Hiccup. For a moment I think I might have to run to the bathroom, but that's not true and I stay here. My clock has been unplugged. I think I did that last night. There's a memory of sitting back on the couch and watching The Matrix, but I can't remember being put to bed. I am sad. ((long pause))

I picked up around my room to fill the pause and lack of words. I come back to the same thought that I don't want....that I have to call someone else to find out what occurred. I already spoke with Sebastian and he left in the middle of the movie which I vaguely remember. He informed me of my hand motions and Eddie saying something to me about it and Chuck elbowing him. I shudder to think what else might have leaked out as I was sitting next to Ken and Chuck there. Fuck...this not knowing.. the ringing in my ears. High I remember everythinig. Drunk... hit & miss. Time to call chuck...11:00a.m. Voice mail. Lovely.

No headache though. This is an improvement over last week? Not really. I just find more ways to poke at myself. Part of me doesn't want to go to Mark's show today because of my overall feeling, but a sense of obligation and a genuine interest in seeing the show exists. I plugged in the clock and set the alarm.

What will I do with the Snowdens of Yesteryear?