That much better feeling

12:20pm You go Annie Lennox. "Be mine forever." ((Love Song For A Vampire))

Javier called about 10:30. Try to imagine. I'm lying in bed, blinds and drapes drawn closed, I'm probably in the midst of some dream and that shrill phone ring that I chose starts. Part of me knows that if I just let it go four times that it will be over and I can continue in my half sleep, but a larger part of me is a little kid again--excited by the possibility that it may be Javier so I roll over and squint to see what the phone number is and then answer it. Smile. I'm curled up in a ball, eyes closed, phone to the ear that isn't nestled in a pillow. It doesn't matter what we talk about. It's time on radio frequencies that have been waiting to be used.

I went back to sleep for a bit, then laid in bed staring at the ceiling and listening to music. Very mellow. Clearing my head and preparing for the day. Reflecting on some of the conversation that I was having with my mother online earlier when I couldn't sleep. Phone rings again. Javier is at my door. Am I dreaming? No. A feeling of insecurity pulsates. That gay being that assess physical appearance: having my glasses on, not showered, not shaved, bed head, oily face. Then the realist kicks in. That other part of me that really doesn't care what people think; a side that I've not asserted in as many years.

It was so sweet. It's not that I had forgotten this feeling, it's just that I have not felt it in a long time. Now how to keep it from fading out? How to keep it from stopping me from making progress with me? Yeah. Haha. I'm up for it.