The space between us

3:26am I learned a valuable lesson from watching Nathan interact with some of his "coupled" friends over the years. He tended to be friends with both individuals and would find himself in the middle of them; lending an ear and a shoulder to cry on as any good friend would do. But often I thought he was too involved. Step back. Cheddy may be no more, but the individuals are. Chuck is my friend. When he calls me I know it's not to involve me any more than just to talk. Eddie is an acquaintance and when he calls I know it's because he needs some type of connection to Chuck and I provide that. I wasn't feeling all that hot today so I left my phone upstairs where I couldn't see it or hear any calls coming in. Sometimes I just need to step away. Unfortunately, I feel that not just about Cheddy, but about everything as of late.

It's happening. Exactly as teachers and parents said it would, you grow up and you grow apart and friendships don't have that cohesiveness as they did when you were younger. Careers & families replace friendships. I am not adjusting to this feeling very well. I haven't ever really adapted in the last ten years. Studies have been done on babies that receive touch after being born that show they develop better and have less health consequences than babies that are neglected and not shown that same warmth. I know that our brains and bodies change with age, but I don't think that something so basic would change over time. We simply condition ourselves to accept the level at when we are used to getting it. For a long time I was conditioned to love the touch of those around me, then that touch became something dark and shunned by me. Inside I still long for it. It's been a long road back to origins. Growing up does not need to mean growing old.

When we didn't know ourselves as well we were more insecure and relied on the closeness of friendship. I think of Arturo. He was such a starry-eyed romantic and now his focus seems to be more on his business wiles and stability. I know he hasn't lost that part of him. I know that that piece of him hurts a lot inwardly. His brain chemistry isn't made up to be anchored by that like I seem to be. What will Randy be like in 10 years? I certainly did not see myself like this.

4:49am Sex and sexual contact. People have such a spectrum of definitions as to what constitutes sex and what doesn't.
Some people only consider it "sex" if you have some time of intercourse. Hand jobs, BJ's, oral sex... these things are not sex to certain people. I say that any type of sexual contact that results in an individual getting off is sex. I guess I'm pretty liberal. Let me clarify--- LIBERAL, not LOOSE. hehe =)

So...since I'm not having sex, I want to occupy my time with hanging out with friends and keeping active rather than being idle.

Nothing new or profound.