6a.m. & the feet underneath

2:47am Monday morning. Monday...Monday. Since waking up Friday night around 8pm, I've slept seven hours. (Five of them just before coming into work tonight.) I could float off to sleep if I rested my head. So our course.... a call should drop in right now. :-)

I thought I might sleep at the beach earlier. When roommate Art and I arrived there around noon I tried laying down and closing my eyes. I may have drifted for a few minutes, but the volleyball games going on kept entering my ear. Soon my mother arrived. Thereafter, Sebastian, then Eddie w/Willie and much later Rey and even later, Brandon w/Drew. (Drew reminded me of Jeremy Woods. It was the same attitude I remember from 10 years ago.) So yeah, no sleep at the beach, but what an education watching the "daycare center" children at play.

In a prior post I pondered the ethical catch of recording my life here while talking about the actions of other people's lives. (Being that this is a personal but by no means PRIVATE web blog.) The thought still bangs around the skull plates. So right now I'm gonna try something that I don't tap into a lot... focusing on the emotion of anger and brain-blasting every thought as it surfaces to be typed:

ANGER:
/\/\/\/aaaaahhhhhh!!!! fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.. you mother fucking fuck fuck fuck! kick! jump stomp bodyslam. I want to hurt, squish, hit bite. Shake some sense into these people. Yell! yell! yell! I want to run & run & run & run and get hot and exhausted and collapse then get up and do it again. Feel my heart racing-racing. Shaking, feeling my heart pound so hard that a lump in my throat causes breaks in words and thoughts. Grunts & groans feeling my knuckles hit a punching bag, kicking it, sweating, straining muscles. Why don't they listen? Gnash! Gnash!
/\/\/\/

Anger is something that I don't show outwardly a lot. Randy witnessed me kicking a wall once. When Tracy & lived in Upland I knocked a container full of pens off the counter and across the room after the tow truck hit me in the street as I tried to stop it. These incidents were a decade apart. It isn't something that I like to feel or allow myself to very often. I had no way to show it when I was growing up. No way that was acceptable, so it got buried. I would observe how much it drove others and I did not want to be like that. I still don't. I am not. But it's there underneath nonetheless.

I look at the clock on my phone and it's 5:11. Coincidence? Or association of what I know since I've been talking to Ryan online more? It is strange to see the time as I actually take steps to meet him. The antics of the beach left me with a clear understanding of the communication that I want.

8:42am I related the same information to both Chuck and Randy and was met with widely different reactions. In the past I had been in receipt of information that I could not verify through a primary source. Third hand information being passed down wasn't something that I felt comfortable relating. But yesterday I was I had first hand accounts of what was happening or had happened and I told both of them. Yes....I could have said nothing, but then what type of friend am I? The question/test I used was, "Would I want to know?" The answer being yes, I made my decision. I wasn't looking for any type of higher social status in their lives. I was not seeking to induce anger or hurt. It bothers me not whether they choose to use the information or not, but it does bother me that ulterior motives may be ascribed to my actions.

Was nice to see my mom at the beach. Sebastian liked meeting her. We all joked and had fun with the "shoe-string" bikini jokes. Everyone always likes my mom. It makes me feel lucky when I compare to other people.

Psyche appointment at 3pm today. Six weeks into this and I can't say that I'm noticing much difference. Still tired...but that's not a valid observation coming off this weekend.

9:46am... Appointment was cancelled by the doctor's office. Hahahaha. Fate is a funny jester these days.