Of Love...

2:50am I wonder if gay boys today have romantic dreams of marrying other gay boys and taking their name. Huh? I remember always toying around with first, middle & last names when I would date someone.

I typed this to Charlie (Gage) in an IM: "I have these listening station size headphones on, listening to my dance music probably the equivalent to standing next to a speaker.... and yet the house is silent."

I need to be awake between 7-7:30am. Speaking for PFLAG in front of the Orange County Sheriff's Department. I read the list of questions that they are likely (required) to ask us as. I feel out of touch with "being gay." What does that mean exactly? It means that when I was younger I believed in being much more a part of the the community in ways that surrounded me with other gay people and also worked to help my peers and kids less fortunate than myself to feel accepted.

((time lapse...)) As I drifted into my own head, I was picturing this teacher character who was also the soccer coach; gay. Senior student who has a crush on him. Teacher knows it, but knows that he can't do anything, however, they become close...almost friend like. To the point where the kid is staying after practice and hanging out in the lockerroom office with the coach talking. Another kid on the team wants the coach's kid, but can see that he's not interested because of the crush. A jealousy grows. The one kid starts a rumor that the coach is doing the other kid. Drama. Administration gets involved. Parents. While in court, several different testimonies are presented about what was supposedly "witnessed" but in reality they are all made up stories by friends of the one kid who is jealous. Graphic stories. If it were a movie, as the stories began (toward the end of the movie) the camera would fade into their stories--soft porn. And finally, when the coach testifies, after hearing all of the things he supposedly did, it's almost as if he believes it himself because the reality is that he has vividly dreamt of everything that was spoken of. He truly loved the student on many levels, but that love would never be realized in any world.

Wow.... it took me a lot longer to type all that out than it did to daydream it.

My mind does that all the time. I RARELY capture in writing the little sidewalks that my mind walks down everyday. How could I? How could anyone? I guess some people do. My mind could be thinking about a story then flash to the laundry I have to do then flash to making plans for the future and then flash to something going on in one of my friend's lives then flash to the fact that this is a run-on sentence then flash to a sound that catches my ear in nature or in the office then think about what I want to eat then flash to sexual fantasies then flash to longing for a closer connection to....

My natural impatient side of wanting to know the universe thinks that I should talk and/or clarify with Randy & Rey. My "live & let live" free-spirited side thinks that sometimes life just happens and you accept that and don't need to talk it to death----LIKE POETRY. I read poems and take away a feeling. When you have to explicate each line of the poem, it no longer is a piece of art that initiates an emotion but some academic head masturbation that makes us feel better than apes.

...The lips of boys are writing lyrics on my tongue....

I had the longest conversation that I've ever had with my roommate, Sean. (The straight one) We talked of monogamy, sexual variety and if we thought one person would be "the one" for us forever. It was interesting getting to know him a bit more.

...And their precious eyes sing the words left by mine.