not quite new years

I'm sitting at Randy & Frederic's condo and I'm drunk. My fingers are numb. I have to hit the backspace key several time in order to correct the typos before they appear on the screen. There is a CD in the PowerBook on the TV that plays a song I like....it's a good CD. Randy(not Frederic's...but **mine**... is next to me and holding me while I type....ahh... warmth. I am happy to be here. I know it's simple...and that's the joy of it.

There are sounds coming from the kitchen. Mark...coughing.... and voices. I'm not sure what they're saying but it really doesn't matter. I wish that I could suspend myself in this time forever. There's no responsibility. There's not expectation. There's nothing more than the whim at which wind blows life a crazy curve ball and something glorious happens. (or doesn't.) And that's the point....nothing expected...nothing created other than the ripples of life flowing through each of us. I cry inside to think of the power of this...........(sigh)..... and I think of Nathan not here, sulking at home in a situation created quite by his own hands.

What time doesn't tell me, my instinct feels. One more night of intuition to lead me through a darkness that only lightens with the feel of a drunken body.

g'night

j.r.me

run on

Brain Leak Writing....

listening to DIDO "HERE WITH ME" and typing away at work. I'm not even looking at the screen to see what I'm typing. I migh thave a millioni typos by the time I'm finished with this...f.ree flowing thoughts...no editing...and yet still nothing can capture all of these thoughts........so many. I need to bottle them or something? or isn't that the problem...bottling up feelings and thoughts until they become too much, soooo much.? The music changes and I'm still typing. I hear the sounds of people in other cubes around me and I'm can hear my fingers typing....tatpping...smashing so much faster than anyone else could type similarly around me. I'm infatuated...but that's not a good place to be wholly, is it? infatuation is lacking anything long term. I'm afraid that I may risk a friendhip at the cost of something tempoarary...I mean, what realationship of mine has really lasted? What are the odds that getting to know this new person will be any different? I won't kno w until I try, and that's just the truth of it...end that thought.. I have pictures of Andrew a t my desk next to the poem that I wrote about him as he slept. I wonder how he's doing these days...how Tracy is....what life is like for them now that I don't live with them...how life would've been if I would've continued to lived with them. Would I be the father figure that Warren plays for him now or would i always have been something on the outside not quite there? I was close to writing some last night. I went home after the ASF benefit at Mark's Restaurant and started typing. My eyes quickly grew heavy and I stopped with light on and all....maybe a new way to wake up in the morning...keep my light on all night. I don't stay asleep. Some major lifted stress by having my car sold last night. Beautiful beautiful beautiful knowing that there is money in the bank and that i fneeded I could access it. How long can I keep that up? how long how long...how long can I typ e like this before I drive myself crazy....and I notice that I have so many questions...sosos ossoso many questions but I don't say much..don't really answer them....(((long pause))) Plastic Dreams by JAYDEE.

j.r.me

criss-cross

Irrepairable damage? I may have aided in the destruction of trust with Brian. I may not have. I look at this situation of ex-boyfriends crossing paths with me and think of the simple picture and the complex actions.

Simple requires that emotions not be looked at and that logic be applied. But this is harsh and reflects my ass of a side. How would I like it? I think to myself that had the situation been reversed and handled the same way that I would be intellectually okay with it and emotionally bruised, but not battered. Is this so? Am I so civil? I don't know. I would like to believe so....and so I must.

But believing this instills a sense that others can react the same way; maybe *should* act this way, but that is not for me to decide. So enter in complexity, feelings, friendships. The adult thing...lol. scoff.

j.r.me

bdayparty

This space reserved for uploading the text I wrote at home. (To Be Done at a later date....)

hidden

Tired...so very tired. My body is tired, but my mind even more so. I told that to Mark just a few moments ago online.

There's this bitch that I work with that I want to tell to "FUCK OFF" so badly. If I had another job lead right now I wouldn't hesitate. That whole burning bridges thing be damned right now.

I've noticed a pattern of not writing about things on here that I'm not comfortable with. That's disconcerting as I'm supposed to be airing out those thoughts.

bug off

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

where's my new job?

control

Control. More than Janet Jackson. More than freaks. More than valves. Control...an illusion exercised for comfort. We drive our cars. Some of us go the speed limit and we believe we're safer because we can react to the world around us with greater pad time. But we have no control over any of the other vehicles on the road. We have no control over our passengers who may choose to act violently or have a medical condition that will distract us.

Control. Over ourselves, our future, our lives. Undoubtedly we exercise control and make our way. Some search for a "comfortable living" where money allows for an ease of living. The ability to pick up and travel far away at a moment's notice or purchase material goods or perhaps just hoard the money away until a rainy day. Others search for a harmony among the world they're in. Materials mean nothing, but people people are everything. It's the soul that holds the ultimate value, and who controls that?

School registration papers arrived in the mail earlier this week. December 8th is my day of decision. I have a thought to take 4 classes. Hell...I can always drop if I can't handle them all. Why do I still have that twinge of failure if I proceed that way? I can see now what the "adults" were referencing when I was younger about telling gifted kids things about themselves. I remember one sub teacher who--in so many words--tried to tell us that there was more to life than what we studied.

I'm lucky to know what I know. I'm humbled to know I know very little. I'm hoping that despite anyone's perceived shortcomings that they are able to walk side by side in this coming era.

j.r.me

food thoughts

I spoke with my boss today about my unhappiness here at Ingram. I expressed how I would much rather be teaching or spending my time in a teaching capacity rather than here. I didn't know what I hoped to accomplish, but I did know that keeping in the discomfort was causing me more stress while at work. (while here now) She suggested a training position within Ingram. I'm looking into that more tomorrow.

Art sent me an e-mail today. We're having dinner tomorrow. I'm truly intrigued. He, like any other love of my life is allowed a path back at anytime for at least one discussion. That usually leaves room for a continued friendship. Lanny's path right now leaves room for a continued life.

What do I want for dinner? I wish ice cream qualified as dinner. (well...I mean everynight)

j.r.me

Lusion

"Stirring and stirring and stirring my brew...."
-some Halloween song from elementary school

I'm on this fence and the power of making a decision decides who I am with and what I do in life. Growing up, they call it that. Strange that growing up means different things to so many, but generally that it means taking responsibility and being productive. I suppose I'm not that strong.

Lanny & I spent a great deal of time talking these past Thanksgiving Days. I've had a few deeply cutting conversations, not just with Lanny, but with Andy as well. In all conversations, allowing my thoughts to flow out without filtering them was the honest approach that lets me sleep at night.

I take up trying to find reason to my madness sometimes. Like why would I pursue the boy from the last entry if Lanny and I are talking about our love being really put together again? Is it a way to force me to fail? Or am I using instinct to choose something right? Or is it something I haven't seen or thought of? I think my next conversation with Lanny will discover these answers for me. I think I already know in my heart that the boy represents a party side of fun that I have just about run my course with. I know that Lanny represents a love that will force me to be the man that I have always known I could be, and have been before. These distractions, the initiative to meet new people and expand for me is just a way that I don't have to focus on myself as much. One might say that I am growing and learning by contacting new people.

The weekend kisses were delicious. I was projecting a feeling onto him because I couldn't reach out and touch Lanny. This self-restraint of sexual energy is my only proof. Wake me up.

j.r.me

Coffee, Tea & Me

It's now Monday, the 20th of November and I finally made it into work. (Only 2 1/2 hours late...hmm.. anyone got any job openings? haha-- semi serious) I've broken this recollection up into COFFEE, TEA & ME sections. Who knew I could feel this creative anymore. =)

SATURDAY STIMULANT--Coffee
2:30am

We leave Costa Mesa to one of our communities' favorite "watering" (literally) holes, The Red Eye @ The Ruby building, produced by Canboy Productions. (Garrett Kimball & Will Gorges) I did not attend ICON and therefore cannot comment on anything, nor do I think it's fair to forward opinions by my fellow friends. Let them find time to post if they thought it was that bad. =) I personally chose The Red Eye over ICON not because of the crowd, the music, or anything logical like that. I've been lusting after a boy for a few months and had word that he would be at The Red Eye. Is this the start of a stalking career?


3:15am
Arrival. To our surprise there's a line out front. =( Luckily for me, big, baggy raver pants made of nylon act as the perfect wind-breaker. After being in line for about 5 minutes, Garrett yelled out to the crowd that the coat check was already full and the leave our coats in our cars. Pshaw! I decided to take my chances with finding a dark spot inside the venue and to leave it there. It worked out fine.

Being that I am a Board Member for DanceSafe, I cannot risk the organization by carrying *vitamins* on me at any time. So standard procedure before going into a club is to *drop* and then get in line. Usually, the timing of waiting in line, getting in & starting to dance coincides perfectly with the onset. Tonight, the lack of food & increased heart rate from the cold elements had my hearing *changed* by the time I presented my I.D. to security at the front of the line.


3:30am to....Timeline Blur
While the rest of my entourage made headway to the bathroom stalls and bartenders, I heard the tribal drum & bass sounds of the main room. My assessment of DJ PAULO was that he kept the crowd pleased, free & moving; to me, these are the gifts of a talented DJ. That's my objective viewpoint. My personal preference of music however is not drum & bass, jungle, or any heavy house. Trance, in all of it's many variations is my passion on the floor, so as quickly as the initial beats pulled me into the main room, I quickly sought out the back room.

I was the 2nd person in there on the floor. It looked as though DJ WES ADAMS had just started his set. The song was Janet Jackson's latest from that *Nutty* movie. The room filled steadily. When my friends, Randy & Frederic, and Nathan found me I think I had lost (discarded) my shirt already. Nathan, being the close friend that he is came over to me to let me know that he bought me glowsticks while at the bar. =) Danke! Soon after starting my light show I glimpsed the boy I'd been distantly gazing upon the past few months and said hi. With heightened senses, I quickly gleaned that his state of mind was nowhere near a standstill & chat mode and he was off bouncing around just as quickly as he had come by. **sigh**

Timeline Blur....3:30 quickly turned into the-god-damn-sun-is-up-already and I overheard someone say it was past 7am. Could it be true? The back room closed which is when I first introduced myself to Garrett Kimball. I had spoken on the phone & e-mailed Canboy about having a DanceSafe table inside the event in the side smoking room. I brought a cover letter and sample of our literature for them and their staff to have. This seemed apropos as up to this point I had witnessed security have to carry/escort three individuals out of the main dance areas. People....DO NOT leave your friends unattended when using Gina. ((The DanceSafe PSA for the day...=))

Not having a choice in music now, my friends and I retreated to the couch/booth area opposite the main stage. The ambient darkness made for a great chill period with the occasional leap to feet for a song or two. The boy fluttered to & fro and I was in a happy space admiring. There's something to be said about keeping some thoughts or actions in fantasy, never having to have them crushed by the reality of getting to know someone. Hahaha...wow, did I really type that? I suppose that's the pragmatism of lusting.


9:00am--ish
The buzz question circulating is, "Are you going to go to Church?" This was a foreign question to me in many ways. Firstly, being the agnostic, raised catholic guy that I am, "HELL NO!" I'm not going to church came to mind. Then it was explained that "Church" was a euphemism for "Spike." While I've heard Spike described as the local dive and a hell in itself, I'd describe it more as PURGATORY; a conglomeration of those sobering up, those continuing their siteless journey and those standing on the outside just to be somewhere--to be part of something.

Only one funny occurrence. Randy had brough back popsicles at one point and I decided to try and deep throat the damn thing. Frustrated because the coldness of the popsicle quickly stuck to the wetness of the inside of my mouth. To compensate, I licked the entire popsicle making sure everything was wet. This allowed me to complete the task of getting the whole popsicle in my mouth/throat. Just as I closed my lips around the bottom of the stick, the popsicle broke in half, leaving the top half lodged in my throat. Randy & Frederic are laughing because I'm sure deep throating a popsicle looked just absurd, but I can't speak to inform them of my predicament. I tried squeezing my throat muscles to crush the popsicle but that wasn't working. I was also running out of air and felt the pressure buidling up in my lungs. With two options left (as I saw it), cough it up or try & dislodge it by ramming pressure against my diaphram, I breathed in through my nose and coughed. Up comes the popsicle...airway clear.

Nathan had left early on from Spike to get to a job, Randy & Frederic were with me until leaving Spike around noon. Leaving the pitch darkness of Spike and stepping foot into the bright sunlight of construction laden Santa Monica Blvd. is squinting shock on the eyes. Bring sunglasses.


1:00pm--We're Hungry...let's eat
I decide I'm treating to a lunch at Claim Jumper. We order, and in the back of my mind I'm remembering the portions of food are going to be ridiculously abundant. Some friends here have deemed that McDonalds should have a new combo meal size. Instead of "Super Size," they were thinking, "Circuit Size" which consists of (3) fries, (1) Chicken McNugget & a water that McD's could charge for $10 and we'd pay it is the really crazy part. Alas, this needed commodity does not yet exist and our food arrived in the size of continents. I think we all finished a few bites and then boxed the rest. Which reminds me....dinner tonight. =)


2:00pm--Home
Our 12 hour party stint reached it's end. I promised that as soon as I was finished driving and parking that my head would be down on the floor and I'd be out. I always keep my word. Zonk...zzzzzz


SUNDAY SNOOZE--TEA
4:30pm

Since my first time hearing Phil B @ Mass in San Francisco over Labor Day weekend 1999, I have rarely missed an opportunity to hear and watch him spin. Yes...watch him. Randy & Frederic decided that they would not be joining at ICON for the Tea Dance. Nathan called to inform me that he would be arriving to leave around 6:30. (I know better and 6:30 really meant 7pm...giggle) The two hours or so that I did sleep were quite refreshing. REAL vitamins with my food before sleep: B-Complex(150), C(500mg), E(400iu), Mutli, 5htp(100mg). The only pain I felt was in my throat. It felt sore & raw. I'm guessing that the popsicle did a pretty good job on me. (rather than vice versa).


8:00pm
Arrival. Knowing that we would only have four hours, I felt that I should make every moment count, but in comparison with the previous night, those four hours felt much longer--in a good way. Perhaps my body was tired, perhaps I was dancing more this night and made myself tired, but Phil's spinning seemed to go on and on. The energy level on the dance floor was high, the stage even higher. Thank you Phil for passing on the name of "Blue Disco Cop" by Blue Adonis to me. (Song I've loved for some time but never knew the name of.)

Though I had been introduced before, I got to spend time actually talking with some of Nathan's friends: Bruce, Ruben, and **the boy.** =) Oh yeah...forgot to mention that I knew he'd be at ICON as well. =P In altered states, it's difficult for me to see if there is a genuine return in attraction or if one is just acting on impulse. The boy (who does have a name but I'm respecting his privacy) didn't show any signs overtly of the former so I smiled and continued to enjoy myself dancing. I believe that the ICON layout lends itself to a *friendlier* atmosphere and more of a *homey* feel.

Thirst quenching drew me to the bar at one point. Again, even the bartenders at ICON have a friendliness about them that comes across more so than at other venues. Not that other venues have rude bartenders, don't get me wrong. As coincidence or fate would have it, the boy was getting a gatorade. I too wanted one---umm...of the gatorade that is. **wink**

This was the first time I had really been alone with him without other friends or either of ours around. We exchanged hi's and made small talk. The boy's flattery of guessing my age to be 21/22 was endearing. That, or a show of how high he was. =) Carpe Noctum I thought in my head so, "You're too cute." came out of my mouth. Then I remembered how stupid that sounds. Too cute? Cute is a totally subjective thing for individual likes & dislikes. So I quickly followed up with, "Well, not TOO cute, but cute to me." He smiled and leaned over and gave me a kiss...Talk about a natural high.

As a group, a pair, as individuals, the night played on and the dancing ached every part of my body but I didn't care. It was a duly needed release from a stressful world that I exist in every day because I value certain ideals like integrity, responsibility & accountability. How lovely if I could throw them away at whim.

Though the first kiss was quite innocent, he saw that I had a tongue ring later and I learned that he definitely hit the mark with my kissing standard. Boy did it hit the mark.


MONDAY MORNING MAYHEM--ME
1:00am

Nathan, The boy and myself drove in my car. After ICON there was talk of heading to RAGE or SPIKE, but we ended up at Ruben's place just talking the night away. In addition to the previous names, Bruce & Mark were also there.

My indoctrination into the various levels of drug-related cultures shows me different things at different times. I have worked hard at toning down my judgement in favor of understanding as this is the only true way of sharing with people who are not looking to change their habits. This is still hard for me to do overall. Crack pipes, bongs, bumpers & G-Cocktails; a slippery slope to some, everyday words to the side of my DanceSafe cause. Bumping is not my thing, neither is smoking anything in general. Being--in my opinion--one of the less educated substances out there, I had my G cocktail. (G & G...GHB & Gatorade)


2:00am?
I think this is when I passed out. All I remember is the boy and I kissing on the floor. We're in full view of the others and yet rolling around, lips locked. I remember thinking in my head that there were people there. I heard some comment about get the video camera. I just really wasn't embarrassed, though true, not much does embarrass me anyway.


4:00am
I awake to hear Bruce saying, "See...it always works." The boy is amazed. Apparently telling someone that it's time to go while they're asleep and/or "crossed over" will snap them into consciousness. Hmm...I'll chalk this up to conincedence. Or maybe the fuckers were just being really noisy. =) The boy's shirt was off and I don't remember doing that. I don't think I did, actually. I fell asleep again.


5:00am
I hear the voice of Nathan telling me that I need to get up so that I can drive us home. I'm spooning--one of my favorite positions to sleep in--and don't want to get up. Others were already calling in sick, but not I. No...executive meetings are generally not things to miss. Not good.

Nathan & I get back to Orange County about 6:30am. It took me 30 minutes to say my goodbyes...haha. Truth be told, I sometimes wish I didn't have a moral imperative about certain values. It causes me to be less decisive in circumstances than others who can discard thoughts. I don't know what I think it will benefit or gain me in the long run, nor that it will necessarily be to my detriment. I must ultimately conclude that it is fear that keeps me where I am as fear is usually the answer to anything that cannot be logically explained.

So today has been dragging...and the executive meeting? Cancelled 30 minutes before it was supposed to happen. Fate or coincidence, I don't know which one. All I do know is that I'm tired and tonight a restful sleep alone will do me unspeakable joy. (lol...I had to throw that in at the end.)

j.r.me

Apathy

Leaving friends' apartment this morning, I walked over three smashed cigarette boxes on the pavement about 20 feet from my car. An additional 20 feet from my car was a garbage dumpster. The thought occurred to me that maybe I should pick up the boxes and through them away but I left them sitting in the street.

About an hour ago I stopped at TOGO's to get a tuna sandwich. While the boy (very cute) was preparing my sandwich, there were 4-5 other employees standing around talking to one another behind the counter. One started doing a voice imitation of an Asian person, with stereotypical inflections, making fun of the way some people cannot speak clearly to be understood. I was not personally offended...what does personally offend me these days? ((And maybe that's the point of all this writing)) But what's more, I didn't say anything. I didn't mention that I myself was 1/2 Asian or bother to point out that it was highly inappropriate to be making such jokes.

Have I become that indifferent? And what was that mumble about being the change that one wishes in the world. ((sigh)) I think it's time to think loudly again.

j.r.me

Hollow

"I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow

Trick or treaters night out. I've lost the child in this night. I can't even muster fake enthusiasm. Smirk... spreadsheets near my keyboard and I'm at work. Dark outside. The hour fall has nighttime moving in so swiftly.

Mark & I spent quality time engaged in conversation and chess last night. He beat me for the first time. It was great because for me I didn't even care; not even a tension of the heart to express comptetion. I just had a great night with a good friend.

Til Tuesday..."Voices Carry." Yeah...my fatal flaw.

j.r.me

Turning

Bobby's my little brother. Err... the lil gay one that I never had. =)

"If we value every moment, we will never feel regret."
-Chakra, "Love Shines Through" ****** I think I'm going to use the lyrics to this song for my birthday party invitation.

Yes...b-day, I'm already thinking of that. It's a good thing; looking forward, not dwelling on the past. I'd have to say that dwelling on the past is my fatal flaw. So I finally got up the nerve to throw away trinkets of the past and I'm still not settled with the idea, but the deed is done. **tears**

It rained all weekend. Beautiful blue skies today. A lot of time driving in the rain, pellets down on the car. The sound helped thoughts along.

I need to meet new people. I let Nathan know last night that I think he's partying too much, that I need new people in my life that I can explore the other sides of me. By no means did I imply that I don't want to continue to spend time with him, hell, I'm moving in with him. But I don't want to stagnate. I want more from conversation than the next circuit party, *his* big dick, that phenomenal song, or that incredible high.

Rock climbing.....I think I should try doing that, even if it is in a controlled, artificial wall environment.

j.r.me

not content

Another weekend has passed like a low flying plane overhead; loud and overpowering to conversation but only for a brief time. Soon the plane is gone, the sounds fade away into clouds. My images of this weekend will shortly fade away to clouded memories.

A Friday flashbadck with a high school friend proved how time can stand still in spite of years. Kim and I still deal with our inner conflicts of youth, convincing ourselves that adult choices will make everything alright in time. I wish I knew that was ultimately right, but I don't. I don't know that it's wrong either.

Rushing out of The Orange Block I drove to Andy at the Sunset Laemlee to watch "Requiem For A Dream." A midnight show left me drowsy. The drive back to Laguna Hills added to exhaustion.

Silly squeeling girls ruled the Saturday sun. Sarah turned 13 on Friday with a girlfriend party on Saturday. Frederic's weekend birthday party in San Diego balanced out the day.

I took Monday & Tuesday off of work to think. Personal Time. I keep seeing this time of the year as being part of this huge nemesis that I can't fight on my own. Perhaps my change of heart on drugs should also apply to ones that can be prescribed. I think that may be the answer.

I want to try clif diving.

j.r.me

midlife

Sarah turns 13 today. Wow. She's in the same space of her life that I was when she was born. Giggle. Frown. Such a confusing time. Good friends and school focus helped me through it. Still a few more years before I share with her my past journals and let her know how important she has been in my life.

Busy weekend ahead. I've been looking forward to it for a while. Freddy, Mr. Peek-a-boo, turns 30. Nate, Randy, Bobby & I will be going down to San Diego tomorrow to celebrate @ Montage. Brunching on Sunday Morning and then ICON on Sunday Night.

I've had two nights this last week where I got 10 hours of sleep. My body has really been telling me to slow down; mixing up the 4 hour nights with the 10 hour ones. It is nice just to sleep sometimes.

I've decided to pursue a Board Member position with DanceSafe for this next six months. Treasurer or Volunteer Coordinator. I know that one will be more work than the other, but I think I'd be good at it and I know the group could use it. We'll soon see. Elections are in a couple of weeks. I myself will be voting for Nader.

Boys? I don't think I should type about them anymore. What if they read? hahaha... I'm kidding. Everyone can read, that's the point; to see the pieces that aren't readily readable by looking at me. I'm "boy-ed" out. I enjoy spending time with people but I feel like I have goals to achieve and that relationships get in the way... no no.. not get in the way, but they take up an inordinant amount of time and energy that I don't want to give up right now. Someday. Not now.

j.r.me

resume

I think I'm going to put a resume together that says something to the effect that I want to be paid to work solving problems in workflow, relationships, etc. I want to be "The Fixer" that I am. I want to be paid for doing something that comes naturally. I want to make my own hours, wear jeans, work out of my home, my car, the beach and the park. I want it all and I deserve it because I can deliver what a company, individual, corporation needs... clarity away from this "buy in" of how things are "supposed" to be.

Yeah... yeah... yeah!!! Okay....so now I should write it.

=) j.r.me

Briefs

Mountain Dew & Wheat Thins...a perfect very late dinner or way too early breakfast. Raves have a way of throwing time schedules off. I'm at Gary's place, watching Holly scowl at me because I'm typing and not paying attention to her. I smell like smoke. It disgusts me, yet I'm still riding on the natural high that this peer-based social work spawns in me. There's nothing quite like the appreciation from a bunch of high kids who take a moment to gain a bit of knowledge. Whether it sticks or not is completely debatable.

I had to cancel a date this evening in order to fill in at the DanceSafe table. It appears that none of the volunteers signed up were "certified" for working a table by themselves. The Fox Theater was the venue for "Lotus." I had never worked The Fox before, but now I understand about the heat. The fan I brought definitely made for a cuddle puddle on the side of our table. Nummy nummy eye candy everywhere. **slap slapp** Wake up, Jeremy, they're straight... hahaha. My throat is all scratchy from yelling the results of pill tests throughout the night, explaining the effects of different drugs, and answering general questions about what DanceSafe is.

I spent last Thursday at RAGE. Bobby & Joey were there as well, with Alex & Paul. I rolled for the first time in a while. Then continued eating a second roll at Spike. I think the clarity of the night has finally been soaked up and I'm not as stressed as I once was. I am, however, tired right now and know that I cannot put into words what my mind has assimilated. A short 10-minute type... and I'm off to the shower to get rid of this smoky smell.

j.r.me

Honesty

There are so many birthdays in this month. Turning of the years.

I've heard before that if you have something to give, you're able, and it costs you nothing, then why not? Yeah.... hmm.... why not? Maybe everything costs something, and not always one's weight in gold. How about a soul?

I'm off to go pick up the lost soul.... haven't written about him in a while, but then again I haven't been very good about sticking to my stringent ideals lately. Light sweat all day today, yesterday too. I'm drinking plenty of water so I'm guessing it's the conflict within giving me problems. Time to confront that...it's always so scary doing that. Just thinking about it is giving me a headache and causing my eyes to tear up.

j.r.me

wammo

What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? What do I want? (I think I'm thinking that if I repeat the question that the answer will come to me. It has.... I want everything.) It has always been this way. In choosing a career; in eating fast food; in the type of personalities I have as friends; and ultimately, in the person I wish to be dating. Since it is impossible to have all qualities in one person, I'm attracted to different people and live with the notion that no one will be "perfect" (as I am not perfect) and so someone that has a majority of the qualities is really good. Then monagamy sets in....

Another 20 year old dances into my life. **sigh** I'm enamored. I'm feeling bad. I was not constructed to date more than one person at a time. I think that my deep empathy with people reflects what I know the feelings that become involved for them as my honesty compels me to inform of my open dating situations. As always, I narrow down to one person to date seriously and this feeling bad subsides as I'm in the rapture of the birth of love.

"Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you; someone's gonna thank the stars above."

I gotta remember to trust instinct. Also...don't confuse instinct with lust.

j.r.me

Roads (car car car)

My car is one month old today. Over 3100 miles put on and $175 in gas. Do you think I drive a little?

Nathan & Arin came into town from Phoenix on Monday and I got to spend some brief time with them last night over at Nathan's. Very brief. It was good to see them though; matching blonde streaks and all.

While visiting, I had a very needed and good talk with the 20 year old. I like honesty. It clears the air of so much. In the strides to just say what is on my mind at all times, it is always another's perspective of what's "proper" or "appropriate" that keeps mouths shut. Damaging, I say. Let the rivers run free....and if you don't like what's being said, then perhaps you needed to hear it.

Holly is playfully knocking around her play toys. I stop typing momentarily to play with her. Aww... pets. I'm happy to entertain other people's for brief periods of time, but want nothing of one for my own. How then is the child-rearing instinct different?

This weekend promises to be busy. I'm excited at the events forthcoming. Truly looking forward to an active weekend.

Music....as I drove here tonight. Each sound flashed a moment to me. I was driving with the night air flushing through my car and speeding down the lighted path. I've got to breathe, because I am in so much more control now than I've ever been before. Scary.

Setting up the DanceSafe table in front of Club ICON last Saturday proved to be a great thing to do. The promoters asked us to come inside of the club and set-up. =) I've always known that working with people in some helpful manner, face-to-face, like I do when at a DanceSafe table is what I was cut out for. Making a difference, however small, is exactly what is rewarding and needed in this world. Even if the differences are only of this world, and insignificant in the whole scheme of whatever comes next, they're at least a way to pass the time.

Until whatever comes next, comes.

j.r.me

Blind Faith

In speaking to a friend this afternoon it was good to confirm that other people are just as fucked up as I sometimes think I am. hahaha... okay.... that was harsh, not only to myself but to my friend. What I simply mean is that nothing is as it seems and that the strongest sheet of armor doesn't protect from the stealthy inner lining of our souls.
***
***
Honey, I dearly love you. I wish you would come home to me, to these arms & this life, but I know you can only do what is right for you. These hands just get older, and the pictures gather dust.
***
***
Imagine a picture in your head of a thousand stars in the sky. Imagine those stars becoming brighter and brighter; intensity not burning, not forcing your to squint. Then everything is light, all points in the sky joined--togetherness. You are everywhere in the instant of a thought. Every thought of every star is absorbed and understood. Being Born. Dying. The search for the same in between.

j.r.me

cramming

Is there one of those yellow & black covered paperback books in Borders or Barnes & Noble that is titled, "Dating for Dummies." ?? If not, perhaps I should start compiling the events of each experience I've had and write one. Although I'm not sure how interesting the reading would be to anyone.

Who's keeping score? Someone actually read my journal and made mention that they had better be nice or they would end up being "dissed" here. I think that's part of the reason I've chosen not to use names....that just fuels drama and these entries are meant to be somewhat of a release for me. Letting off the steam rather than boiling it inside. So....by default one has condemned himself...no more words need be said. The closet has moved to accept a job out of town. Having played my long distance role for plenty of time I know I won't be stepping back into that part. It's a shame because he seemed genuinely well-adjusted. **sigh** I suppose weekend trips will still be nice to get to know the real person that was "vibed" over a weekend. Of course the strongest attraction would be to the one with no car and just on the outskirts of almost totally geographically undesirable. My reality button is flashing; knowing that what I don't know is everything that is important. Common interests--outside of sex, common goals, blah blah blah blah blah.... that stuff that really does matter.

Sitting alone in the work cubicle... reflecting on the week.

A night full last Thursday going to walk around WeHo with Nathan. He's tired...I can tell that dancing won't be in his cards. I'm not sure I want to go to RAGE anyway. In driving by The Hollywood Spa, we notice people all walking to some common venue. I drive by to find "The Opium Den." It looks interesting enough to try out and I do. I would say it's Hollywood's equivalent to a hang out joint like Laguna's Boom Boom Room. 2am rolls around and I'm not tired but the bar has decidedly closed.

Nathan in the car....I decide that it's time for me to stop being such a prude with myself and experience what this Hollywood Spa is all about. Haha... when the slogan of "Doing Everything @ 25" was enacted for me, I don't think I quite envisioned ALL of the things I would try at this age. I'm learning to be less afraid, especially of what others will think. That is probably the hardest fear to overcome because it is acceptance that we are taught at such an early age that is one of the most important things to have. Without too many details....the four hours at the Spa were fun. I would go again, thought not sure under the same circumstances.

Spank me. Hmm.... no... no more.

http://www.trancecontrol.com check it out

My Friday/Saturday was splendid, albeit hot hot hot with no air conditioner at the house. I bought a toothbrush, but now that it's sitting in my room, I think I may have left him with the wrong impression. Hmm... maybe I shouldn't think so much.

Saturday Night Nathan and I went to San Diego to enjoy the 4th Anniversary of Montage. A very good time. I ran into Randy (my ex) and we talked a bit. The music being spun was right on all night and kept us dancing until 4am. The drive home---err...uh... umm,, back to Costa Mesa at Randy & Frederic's was short. The drive never really bothers me anyway.

Sunday was beach (West Beach) with mother. While there Gary called to see if I wanted to attend an HRC event in Laguna with him... sure... why not. Maybe I'll meet someone, right?

blah blah blah..... I'm tired of writing.. where's that machine that attaches to your head and reads brain waves and then translates them into my thoughts....

I think it's called acid.

I think I need to leave to goto a DanceSafe board meeting.

La Tea Da

AOL window open on one half of the screen.... this online journal in another. The phone rings....((Steve laughing))

A week of passing. A week of silence. **sigh** I'm an hour away from leaving work today and nothing to do. A slow transition from one desk, one department to this new one. I think I'll like it though.

Life back at home is a long way from where I want to be near friends in Orange County. I wish that I could fast forward to my birthday when most will be changed and settled with money. Tick tick tick... and watching the clock never helped to speed it up.

"When it rains it pours." That a saying that we grow up with and it can be used in simple weather terms. I've always seen dating--or getting to know--more than one boy at a time too complicated. I find myself feeling like too much of me is apportioned in one area and not enough in another. Believing what I do about intimate relationships, I know that at some point I must choose to be with one person. **sigh** So I guess that kind of takes the fun out of dating for me. Maybe this is another point to re-evaluate. **thinking**

Boys boys... met a really nice, seemingly smart, 20 year old at RAGE two weeks ago. According to Bobby I put on a porn show with him the last two Thursdays while dancing. I didn't think it was that bad...but upon reflection, I'm sure I would've told anyone else doing what I was engaging in to "Go and Get a Room!" +++wowsers+++

Enter in someone new...I like the intellectual capacity found as well as the physical match up. He's easy to talk to at length. However, there is a closet in this scenario and we all know how I feel about those. They're for clothing---clean or dirty, just stuff them in there. Again, I'm re-evaluating this, and looking at my reasoning. Perhaps I've missed out on some potentially wonderful people because of this. Dunno...

I went to Disneyland on Sunday with Nathan, Randy & Frederic. What a huge blast that was. The thought I wrote down at one point during the day was: "SPACE MOUNTAIN- A fast & Wacky ride. Round & Round...up & down. Spinning. And then sudden to stop. Flashes of light. All over. Like life... so enjoy every moment of it."

The day walking around the park was beautiful. I remember being there as a child. How much it has changed. Frederic & I remarked on how it would be in the next 50 years.

The boy returns from Vegas...but no call. I already knew that much, but it's never a feeling of pleasure to be confirmed in something that is negative.

Lorena will be out visiting soon. I'll get to see Delaney. Beautiful. I'm giddy about that. Tracy's b-day is approaching. The olympics. Classical music. on and on and on... but only so many thoughts can make it out today.

so bye

j.r.me

Evaluation

If you have something to say. Say it. Don't him and haw. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't try and save something that cannot be salvaged.

Do try and be considerate, intelligent and honest. Do take into consideration the fact that beliefs are better discussed, not pushed.... and never imply, in the slightest of terms in attitude or words, that someone is somehow less than you for having a different set of beliefs.

This weekend is culminating the collection of my thoughts that really began taking shape shortly after the New Year. There are people in my life that are positive, growing forces and those that are not such. Not being part of that force does not instantly make for a negative force, perhaps it is neutral. I've been looking at the people in my life very closely. The truth is that I've always had quality friends. I've sought that out in creating my own "family."

But people change. People grow. People remain content. "People are people so why should it be, you and I should get along so awfully?" (DMODE) The snickering behind my back regarding drug usage has finally reached the end of the line for me. Assumptions in the absence of facts.... a strange thing for me to comment on. I use my gut instincts to read people and their motives. I trust this instinct implicitly. However, I cannot use these instincts until I have evidence to support them. Something factual has to be produced in order for them to have any validity.

There seems to be a general belief among those who are without facts in my life that I am on a downward spiral; that I am unhappy with life to such an extent that I've decided to throw my life away. I wonder how much happier these people are than I am. I see us all in very similar boats. One difference I can readily see is that I do not place value on making money or in seeing success as being related to how much money one has.

We each have our own path in life. We each walk in our own shoes.

I love you guys, but I will not stop growing in my own life, in my own way.

j.r.me

Tonight & The Rest Of My Life

Here's a song I'm particularly fond of right now.... what do the words mean to you? They conjure something very specific to me.

j.r.me
=======
=======
TONIGHT & THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nina Gordon

Down to the earth I fell
With dripping wings
Heavy things wont fly
And the sky might catch on fire
And burn the axis of the world
that's why
I prefer the sunless sky
To the glittering and stinging in my eye

CHORUS:
I feel so light
This is all I wanna feel to night
I feel so light
Tonight and the rest of my life

Gleaming in the dark sea
I'm as light as air
Floating there breathlessly
When the dream dissolves
I open up my eyes
I realize that
Everything is shoreless sea
Weightlessness is passing over me

(Chorus)
Tonight and the rest of my life

Everything is waves and stars
The universe is resting in my arms

I feel
So light
This is all I wanna feel tonight
I feel
So light
Tonight and the rest of my life

(Chorus)

yes & no

"Keen....just keen."

My reponse all day long to people who have been asking how I am.

I saw Troy (From Boston) online today. I hadn't talked to him in a while and IM'ed a bit. He has a journal on this diaryland site as well. Cool for him. He's been dating what seems to be an awesomely wonderful guy. Good for him... it may be that extra push he needs to put some footprints down on his own path.

I got my hair cut last night. The days following a really decent hair cut are usually very "attractive" feeling days. There's a crisp edge to the way I'll dress, shave, actually take some time to be presentable. Once the hair starts to get two weeks into the cut, I tend to spend less time getting ready. Randomness.

Hmm...I thought I wanted to write....but now I don't.

j.r.me

Burping

A week ago I interviewed for a position in the Marketing Department and yesterday after lunch I was notified that I got it. =) I also bought a new car on Sunday.

So much can happen in such a short time. And...little can happen over a long period of time. I tend to think that there is no real rhyme or reason. Yes, I took actions to get the job & the car....but I could have just as easily taken action and nothing happen. I've also sat by before and waited for something to happen...and it did.

I'm broken, as Lanny would say. Maybe that's accurate. I was asked last night why I was single. I laughed. I joked. Ultimately, I said, "I'm single because I'm difficult, so I guess in a round about way it's by choice." I am difficult....but more than that I'm "shifty." (Perhaps not the definition that you're thinking of right now or the real definition of the word at all.) I'm shifty in my moods. Today I will be very passionate about something and tomorrow it's commonplace. I've not lost interests in whatever that is, but I surely have not done anything to show interest necessarily.

Last Thursday I told Art that I would buy a new car and drive to Florida to live. Yesterday I decided that he can drive here. I think that neither one of us can really leave our environments. I think that each of us does love each other. I want myself to find complete happiness and I want him to find that too. I want to find it here. And that's the decision of the day. (Which makes visiting painful.)

And what of the boy that I think I described in a previous entry as "not being able to give me what I need..." (I think I said that. I don't think he's in any better position than before, but I'm still there in my head. Sucks. It sucks... it does.

I look back on the acid trip and I see the child at play. The mouse that I use is one that Steve gave me and is a little car, like a kid's car. I need to find more ways to exercise this child out. I've been doing a lot of good for myself lately. I also have to be careful not to let the child out too much...haha. There is that thing about balance.

Lunch Time. hmm... yeah

j.r.me

Candy Flip

I'm amazed that I'm still awake... Shortly, I must grant my body's request for sleep as ignoring it would be most stupid and irresponsible.

Last night (Thursday Night) I went out dancing at Rage w/Nathan. Earlier in the night there was a candy purchase wherein I was given a free "smurf" paper tab to try for my first experience. The tab was placed in the plastic baggy with the candy.

About 12:30, we retreated to my car to rest a moment and Nathan halfed a "TT". The other half was placed back in the baggy. I decided, "Why the hell not?" and asked for the other half. As I put it in my mouth, I felt more than just the E....there was the tab of acid on my tongue as well!!! A quick panic feeling went through me and then the calm that I previously felt when renting a U-Haul with Lanny to take care of jeep breakdown crisis in Alabama. I figured that there was nothing I could do, so I had better put myself in a good mindframe to start whatever journey should lie in store.

I took the blue stuffed animal keychain that Sarah had given me off of my dashboard and put it around my finger to have near me for the rest of the night. I believe this had the effect that I wanted because I felt quite secure.

Rage promptly closed around 1:45 and I had not yet experienced anything different, but then as we started to walk out of the building, the RAGE sign underneath the DJ booth began to change shape. It was very subtle, but noticeable. Nathan & I proceeded to Vons and I began to become fascinated by the most whimsical thoughts. I defintely saw the childlike impulses that I so often hide away begin to show. One, was grabbing folding chairs off of the shelf display and setting it down in the aisle to sit on. I was quite content to remain there for several minutes without speaking and just staring into nothingness. Swirls and thoughts passing in and out of my head; like watching a movie where the frames are not continuous but rather jumping from scene to scene.

After my "Alice in Wonderland" moment of sitting on the chair that seemed so small, we proceeded to SPIKE. It's here that everything began to take complete shape. My natural ability to vibe people's character, enhanced already by the E was now brought to a new level by peering at people's faces. Nathan's face was not surprisingly very bright and almost "angelic." A very positive and clear complexion each time I would take a moment to focus on him. In contrast, a boy who I have seen many times at Rage, always dancing in a "group" of boys in quite a sexual manner, donned a quite different visage. My instinct has always told me that he had an underlying "bad boy" or "trouble label" associated with him. When I felt his eyes on me and I stared back, I could see every vein & capillary in his face. Dark, purple & black lines, giving him a quite evil appearance. It was not scary at all, just revealing. As could be expected, the lack of control was unsettling for me toward the end of the night. Each time I would sit, I felt small...like a child in an oversized chair. This same feeling ensued when getting into my passenger seat for the drive home. Unlike E, where I can sober myself in a matter of seconds if I need to think clearly, tripping is a ride that you wait until you're brain is finished. This obviously tackles my control issues. I look at my hands again....how old they are becomming still. j.r.me

Sand (On The Beach)

BE.

Sounds of familiarity breeds comfort. I remember advice about pushing one's self beyond my comfort zone in order to grow. This holds in line with the idea that we are always growing and changing and similarly that if we are not...that somehow we are stagnant in contentment. Another point of view is that attaining a level of contentment and maintaining is the ultimate goal to achieve and that continuing change for change's sake is a way of clouding ones' life. All of it is nonsense in the end, for whether I die in contentment or on a rung of the growing ladder, I've died and it's over. Whatever bits of wisdom I have passed along ultimately are lost or passed on. Hmm... such a down thought. But enjoy. Always enjoy---being fatalistic just serves to be dead already.
*****
*****
THE MORNING PARTY @ Laguna's West Beach. I've put myself in this environment because I'm scared right now. I've been talking with Lanny (e-mail) and feelings that won't go away are pressing harder into consciousness. So here I am, surrounded by throngs of bodies, sex lacing each ocean breeze, and a party to wrap it all up. Not even being here can really help to escape. I know that. This illusion isn't much of one when another part of the brain is insistent on being honest with myself.

What am I to do? One foot in heaven and the other in the grave. These angels flailing all around me. The sailboat goes by and I look for my own wind.

Eternity

Yeah...a year. Tomorrow I goto JuJuBeats, but not as a 2nd time partier and virgin to the rave scene. Tomorrow I enter onto a transformed scene, one that my old hands are greatful for infusing with my life.

It's helped to teach me the importance of friendship over career pursuits. I should never have lost that simplicity. But now that I see again, I realize that my peers are those grown-ups that I so never wanted to be. It's a catch......and one until death they will not relinquish.

I'm wearing his ring again. It feels like it was never off. It means more than I'm lonely--I am. I'll be surrounded by friends tonight at D.R.'s place, but still I'll be lonely. The ring means that I cannot run anymore unless running means running back to finish. The Cottage. (Legend)

Faith

Eeew...stress = acne. Blah!

WAITING (Reprise)
by G. Michael

Well there ain't no point in moving on
Until you've got somewhere to go
And the road that I have walked upon
Well it filled my pockets
And emptied out my soul

All those insecurities
That have held me down for so long
I can't say that I've found a cure for these
But at least I know them
So they're not so strong

You look for your dreams in heaven
But what the hell are you supposed to do
When they come true?

Well there's one year of my life in these songs
And some of them are about you
Now I know there's no way I can write those wrongs
Believe me
I would not lie you've hurt my pride
And I guess there's a road without you

But you once said
There's a way back for every man
So here I am
Don't people change, here I am
Is it too late to try again
Here I am

LoveHeadAche

MY NIGHT'S WORTH OF IM-ING. THIS DAY WAS DRAINING ENOUGH LOSING MY CAR TO THE DEALERSHIP FOR DIAGNOSTICS...SPINNING MY WHEELS LOOKING FOR A NEW JOB...COUNTING OUT CHANGE TO EAT DINNER. I JUST WANTED TO SOME PEACE AND QUIET BEFORE BEDTIME. INSTEAD, I HAVE TEARS...AND A CONVERSATION THAT I CANNOT RUN FROM.

EarthGenre: ((cry))

EarthGenre: <---drinking a Corona

EarthGenre: Okay...no more beer... beer smells like piss. eeww

JJsbeachboy: not now

EarthGenre: sure

JJsbeachboy: oo so your drunk ..and after all this time .. when your drunk you deccide to im me??? so tipical of you .. when it is conveinent for jer.. never mind what everyone else feels or thinks or want .. how shitty of you ... you should be ashamed

EarthGenre: I'm not drunk...I've had 1 1/2 beers.

EarthGenre: I never see you on here. So I never have the opportunity to IM you.

EarthGenre: Nevermind....I can't say anything that's right to you anyway.... we always twists each others words around.

JJsbeachboy: save you opp for another fool,

JJsbeachboy: i cant deal............. with you or this life for that matter

EarthGenre: I can't either.....I'm at the bottom right now.

JJsbeachboy: just get over me

EarthGenre: Do you have a magic potion or something?

JJsbeachboy: you got your self there the day you left me

JJsbeachboy: very funny

EarthGenre: the day you left me

JJsbeachboy: why or you men all the same

JJsbeachboy: i never left you.

EarthGenre: Yes... you did. Read

JJsbeachboy: you ended it..like always........i took a breather.. so i wouldnt hurt you. give me some credit

JJsbeachboy: im not perfect i tried to love im just not capable

JJsbeachboy: and your as broken as I

EarthGenre: . I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it."

JJsbeachboy: i cant do thiis.. my kife ... im not strong enough any more your love wore me down...

JJsbeachboy: im jadded ... broken

JJsbeachboy: i cant keep feeling...

EarthGenre: I'm not jaded.... I'm very sad because I feel like I've failed. I'm very angry because I keep thinking, "what if I did this.... or this... or that..." and I can't stop thinking.

JJsbeachboy: maybe we are meant for each other.. maybe we are not i dont ... i cant trust my heart any more i have to close this chapter

JJsbeachboy: your killing me

EarthGenre: ((crying))

JJsbeachboy: i want to come home>>>>>

EarthGenre: I want the same thing

Las Vegas

The sun has fallen down behind the rocky Western wall, parallel to the 15 FWY. The valley begins to color the dusk hues. Some hard hitting trancitic sounds are streaming through Nathan's car and I'm so inspired right now. I can feel a well of tears behind my eyes. But why should I be sad? Perhaps it is not sadness at all. Perhaps the convergence of too many emotions at once leaves me with few other forms of expression.

STATE LINE...we cross it. And I still think I'm building bridges that lost their stilts.

We're returning home from a 36 hour stay in Las Vegas. Enough time to be down $100, spend some time with Aries & Art, meet up for a talk with Darrin and enjoy some solitude along the strip.

With sunglasses off, I still have some light to write by. Always these road trips give me fuel for words. Art's house sold on Saturday. Now begins the process of moving crap back to my mom's/brother's house. Joy.

The talk. I'm seeing the sun right now and though it looks another color---pinkish---it's only the setting and position in the sky that makes it look different. It felt good to talk, but I don't really know what it changes. I'm still in conflict with myself and he's still himself.

Red sky bye. Beautiful. I love too much. "Who's your daddy?"

j.r.me

Chumpy

(I think that was the time that I was born)

It's been a stressful week. I became ill because of the stress and am in "cough-recovery" mode right now. Having felt the pressure--mainly of work--I decided to charge it head on and get rid of it. The good part is that all weights are lifted off of me. The bad part is that nothing has really changed other than I've aired out my thoughts and Management now has to decide what steps to take to fix the issues. Corporate America can kiss my ass as soon as my debts are paid off.

I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend with Nathan. We'll be leaving Saturday Morning and turning around to come back on Sunday Night. So I've gotta turn my $20 in to $200... lol yeah right.

DanceSafe continues to grow... and the one year anniversary approaches for Jeremy being somehow "in" the rave scene.

Strangers are talking to me for some reason; people that I've always "vibed" as disliking me. I wonder why that is. I wonder if there's really no reason at all and it's just happening.

I'm still "open for dating." LoL If we could just pick and choose the traits of each person...

Cheers...jeers

j.r.me

Nine Lives

A year has come and gone. I think my experimentation phase is over. I no longer see any insights; I do not inspect the makings of me for a betterment. I am quite spry in knowing. I know what to trust. I know who.

I am supposed to write The Twilight Club and let them know of my life. I supposed I should give them the link to this diary. How often would they read it?

Work is becoming even more cumbersome now that my job has expanded to include a highly "accounting" function. I've responded with efficiency, candor, and by filling out a job requisition for another department. My interview is in an hour.

I feel very dizzy right now. It worsens each time I stand up. I'm trying to stay seated. I'll probably leave after the interview and go home to sleep. Ick.

My last entry was totally in the thralls of 4 days on E. No emotional boundaries. I don't know if that's good or bad. I know it was real. But people are never completely real and there are social reasons for that. We take the good with the bad. I'm so tired.

Spiral

Trust Instinct. I've been trying hard to fight that this last week. I'm at the point now where I can't fight myself anymore because I know that he can't give me what I need.

Realization...not rationalization. "I have truth on my side. You only have deceit."--You'll See [Madonna]

The flaky boy called last night. What does he think I'm going to do? Backflips? I tried to be nice, but I've spent too much time there.

Where the fuck am I at 25 1/2? And where am I going?

j.r.me

Eight

It was Gina Buford that got me involved in this rave scene. We had a class together in Spring of '99. She told me about JuJuBeats... well, the rest is history.

All these funny feelings inside. I can see myself disecting the emotion instead of just feeling it. That sickens me. We don't encourage enough playfulness as we get older. I think I'll go and get him a card.

I watched Ellen's new comedy stand-up performance last night. Laughed... laughed. "The wrong kind of people."

I applied to register @ OCC yesterday. I think I'll end up just continuing @ Fullerton until I know where I'm definitely living. It looks like Chino/Chino Hills through the end of the year anyway. Probably best.

Now....let's see if I can start this motorcycle research.

j.r.me

Seventh Heaven

Drinkin' bottled water...replenishing what this heated valley has taken from me as I've just sat in front of this computer and written e-mails.

The second date was intense. Coming off my high from tabling for DanceSafe on the street corner in West Hollywood, we met up in Chino Hills around 2:30am and took our rolls at 3am. I'd never specifically done that with one other person before. It truly is amazing the openness that is shared....but in addition to that for me, it showed me that I'm gravitating again toward the same pattern in my life.

He's sweet. I see that in him. He's caught up in so many woven intricacies that go against my "No Drama" belief. I sense a history too....but no one's past is solely open for deciding my feelings about them. A past is a story of how you got to today; not necessarily of which road you will take tomorrow.

Slow...slow...the brakes on my car are not the only thing that don't work well. I've never been one for patience here and age has not produced any wisdom here.

I think it's time to start helping mother move.

I think it's time for me to move.

Move.

j.r.me

Sixth Sense

"Whisper of a Thrill" (A Joe Black reference)

In my original nature....I trust and bond very easily. Over time, I've learned to shield this vulnerability from the harshness of wayward personalities. Supplying that kind of energy is often times not worth just taking chances.

So I started what seemed like a destructive path a few weeks ago; opening up to all sorts of connections and highways. In being open, I'm finding instant attachments--like chemicals being dumped into a beaker to find out which ones will form compounds.

Energy. There is a certain amount in us all and over time it leaves us, being left with people & places that we've been. Sure enough we gain some from other people and places, and when it's gone, so are we. THEORY... People mate for many reasons: love, arrangement, stability, dominance, etc....but what I've seen with my own patterns is an exchange. I've given some of the energy that was needed by someone else and in turn I've been fueled by an engery that I lacked. This phenomenon is ubiquitous for me.

Steve made a comment yesterday during one of his smoke breaks with Marlowe that he knows when I'm depressed because I act happy. Hahaha... Perhaps there's some truth to this backwards display, but if he sees me today and thinks that I'm happy with this misdirection then he'd be wrong. I'm happy today because I had a wonderful date last night and I'm looking forward to the next. It's been a long time since a date actually gave me this feeling. I know it has a lot to do with the fact that he's witty, "hella cute" (lol), and when I look into his eyes to read, I see that energy.

j.r.me

Five Senses

I took yesterday off from work. Three day weekends are really what I need. It's not like it really takes 5 business days to push paper around.

DanceSafe....am I really doing any good here? Maybe I stepped into something bigger than I ever wanted to or maybe I'm too absorbed in the conformed mainstream lifestyle to appreciate some of the more radical moves within this organization. I know that I want to complete the survey data...post it.... but from there, who knows. I'm setting up the table in WeHo this Friday. I'm hoping it is met with positive response.

"Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"

j.r.me

Four Earth Corners

****
"Here With Me"
written by D. Armstrong, P. Statham & P. Gabriel

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
I don't want to move a thing
It might change my memory
Oh I am what I am
I'll do what I want
But I can't hide
I won't go
I won't sleep
I can't breathe
Until you're resting here with me
I won't leave
I can't hide
I cannot be
Until you're resting here with me...
****

At the heart of it all, I'm no different than millions of people searching the planet. We build lives, creating connections so that we aren't alone. It's rare that I encounter someone that truly wants nothing to do with others. (We may all have those moments, but they're fleeting.)

I miss Lanny terribly. I don't know if that says volumes about how much I have yet to grow or if it's as simple as dealing with the emotions associated with loss. I died a second time in that hotel room when he walked out the door. I weeped....probably scared D.R. on the phone. And all the while, there were my instincts tugging at the strings attached to my heart and mind yelling, "Don't do it." So perhaps I go back to the question of my own growth and theorize that maybe a life with "No Drama" is a life too boring to lead. There goes my guest spot as Bhudda's right hand man.

So I've sought out someone in San Diego.... what am I thinking? Or how about a 20 year old with security issues stacked higher than my own? And lastly, the one that's like me and wears a skin that shows all the rest that life is under control but can't even communitcate with me to follow through on connecting. They're all my choices. That's irony. (Or are we calling it destructive these days?)

A little voice inside---instinct---says to spend more time with friends.

j.r.me

3rd Charm (Montage VIP Night)

Car alarms are ridiculously annoying. One is going off somewhere outside right now. I hope the radio is taken by now.

I just finished a "wake me up" dance session here @ Gary's place. (I'm house sitting again) Some quickly put together compilation set form Virgin, DJ Jurgen. Just what I need before I jump in the shower and head down to San Diego.

I mentioned boys in the last entry. One, would be my reason for heading down to S.D. so early. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. I detected something in my instincts when I met him on the Sunday of 4th of July weekend. Something that I told Nathan was not necessarily a good thing...alas, instincts are not always laser-like with examples to support the feelings. ((It's wonderful when they are.))

Last night was a good time had by Chuck, Steve & myself. Watched "X-Men" at Triangle Square and then had a food stuffing session at Denny's. I've got to stop eating so late at night. =)

Okay...shower time. I still got that spot.

j.r.me

Dos Equis (X-Men Day)

Moments....


I was in the shower this morning and had a moment. Then, about thirty minutes later in the car on the drive to work I had another moment. Sitting here at the keyboard I'm trying to collect those moments into something cumulatively relavent to this entry.


In the shower I was reaching around to wash my back and found "that spot." There's that small space of the back that you really can't reach naturally. It takes some amount of contortionist zeal or use of a manmade(humanmade) tool. My moment came when I thought how nice it would be if there was someone who could regularly reach that spot for me.


Driving....I saw the blue sky, a true site to take in when you can here in SoCal. There were thinly stretched clouds that looked more like trails of white roads in the sky rather than clouds at all. I was reminded--in my sobriety--of how delicately intertwined time, people, places are. In that glimpse, I've started working on piecing together my website a little more. I may always be five steps behind technology, but I'm a leap of faith in front of the changes to come. I also thought about how much I intend to share in these entries. What is "private" and what is "public." I tend to be open while still wanting some "moments" to remain shared in solace.... (This will unfold)


Maybe I'll write about boys this weekend....

First Entry

Hmm....the first. I think back to 1982, a birthday party at Skateway where I'm surrounded by friends, party gifts, cupcakes, and that wonderful 80's music and cheesy lights flickering on the roller rink. This was where I was given my first diary/journal by my grandfather. Shortly thereafter I wrote my first entry.


Thanks Gabby for introducing me to this link.... I think it will be the start to some thoughts I haven't quite been able to share or decipher internally.


Enough for now... read on with enticement.

Space Cadet Photo

Space Cadet