Lusion

"Stirring and stirring and stirring my brew...."
-some Halloween song from elementary school

I'm on this fence and the power of making a decision decides who I am with and what I do in life. Growing up, they call it that. Strange that growing up means different things to so many, but generally that it means taking responsibility and being productive. I suppose I'm not that strong.

Lanny & I spent a great deal of time talking these past Thanksgiving Days. I've had a few deeply cutting conversations, not just with Lanny, but with Andy as well. In all conversations, allowing my thoughts to flow out without filtering them was the honest approach that lets me sleep at night.

I take up trying to find reason to my madness sometimes. Like why would I pursue the boy from the last entry if Lanny and I are talking about our love being really put together again? Is it a way to force me to fail? Or am I using instinct to choose something right? Or is it something I haven't seen or thought of? I think my next conversation with Lanny will discover these answers for me. I think I already know in my heart that the boy represents a party side of fun that I have just about run my course with. I know that Lanny represents a love that will force me to be the man that I have always known I could be, and have been before. These distractions, the initiative to meet new people and expand for me is just a way that I don't have to focus on myself as much. One might say that I am growing and learning by contacting new people.

The weekend kisses were delicious. I was projecting a feeling onto him because I couldn't reach out and touch Lanny. This self-restraint of sexual energy is my only proof. Wake me up.

j.r.me