Leaning & Leering

A xmas party last night in Fullerton revealed time with lil Rey Rey. He's making Boise, ID a new residence. Paul was with me there. Will joined up and we all went to Lucky Sunday for Paul's introduction to the club world. Will had no I.D. and ended up going home. Paul knew people and I sat on a speaker watching the children at play. Art was there with Adrian and it was nice to hug him hello. A Graham and a Darius made my acquaintance while the frivolity of the evening winded down and I was ready for my bed at the 3am hour that I got home.

I have home to myself for the holidays.

Tonight is a full moon. It was pretty bright last night. I'm noticing the environment more as I pass through it. I think this happens more when I am less attached to the familiar things; people I normally feel close to. In a way it is probably me searching for something to be close to. The past few days it has been the air, the stars, the moon.

I look right and I see my adulthood in piles of paperwork. I look left and see my childhood in sentimental toys. I look forward to shoes that I walk in day to day. I look inside me....

I look.

Spread This Xmas Cheer!

Merry x-mas to all...and to all a good night...
Please share. I know this is more than a simple sentence to read, but indulge me for the holiday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TC0kPPlU4DI

This breaks my heart to still see, hear & read almost 10 years after Matthew Sheppard and it's just one of many similar stories. This one has a voice. This one has faces and names. (and YouTube)

It's why I live here in SoCal.
It's why I feel safe....real or imagined.
It's why I continue to speak in colleges, high schools & community forums...
(It's why I'm crying here at work at my desk because so many of you just don't GET IT)

It's why I will not vote for ANY candidate who would not grant me equality without stipulations by trying to go the "separate but equal" route where I can sip marriage from that "other" water fountain.

it's why I believe that any of you other gays out there who allow yourself to think that you can only vote for someone who statistically the polls say actually has a chance of winning instead of someone who--without hesitation--would hand us marriage is essentially saying to yourself, "I'm not good enough to have what others have or even to ask for it so I'll settle for a candidate who will tolerate me but not accept me; someone who might get the ball rolling so that someday I can sit at the grown-up table but for now will pat me on the head with that look of 'someday' in their eye." I may have hated myself in many ways for many things over the years, but I've never hated myself that much. Why can you? And to those of you who may never get married or who say, "I don't hate myself, marriage just isn't an issue that affects me." I say, "Keep performing, Monkey. Keep performing."

And those of you who are straight and don't really get what all this noise is about or why it should matter so much.... just search the faces of the parents in the video and imagine now that it's your son or daughter.

Love,
ALL-ways,
j.r.me

Back It Up

Byron was kind enough to send a gift certificate to Best Buy with his xmas card. I decided to use it toward the purchase of an external drive to back up my laptop. I feel better now. So many memories encoded bit by bit at my fingertips each night could be blinked away.

Now... they can be blinked away in two different places. Maybe I should back them up on DVD's as well. (haha...nope, not that OCD here.)

As the machines do their talking, this Jeremy Machine is sitting down and looking to the sky to be restored. I don't think I had a backup. All of my memories are still chemically coded in my brain, but the programs and peripherals seem to be falling off. I reached a moment today with Randy that I also reached with Nathan during the Summer. It's hard to make healthy choices sometimes because in doing so that might mean cutting off an arm to save the body. Sometimes it is radiation therapy to make you sick before you can be well. With very few people in the world that I feel truly know me, it is very painful to have to distance and separate myself from the few who do. It is merely hope I have that the pain of severance will burden less than the pain of watching those who I love destroy themselves.

As one part of me gets shredded in a blender, a "smooth"ie appears. I have spent three evenings with someone new who I am not bored with and continue to want to learn more about. I'm completely aware that as stages of relationships go....I'm in an infantile and totally insignificant point to write anything substantial. I think the fact that I still decided to write at all is a reflection of the smile I have on my face right now.

There is all of this love that has been surfacing in me lately. I've been sharing it when appropriate. I've been singing it when desired. I've been handling it with care.

I'm still working on accepting it without fear.

Blackberry Mountain Climbing

It's just a feeling.... but I know it's going to be one of those nights. Long. Long. Long... and what will come out of it?

Facebook

An interesting distraction has been consuming time this past week. Facebook. Yes...I'm rolling my eyes as I type that. We'll come back to this...

Latest CD Compilation Creation:

TITLE: Residual Sense

1) MUSE - Time Is Running Out
2) JOE ANDERSON - Hey Jude
3) CHRISTOPHE WILLEM - Double Jeu
4) PM DAWN - I'd Die Without You
5) GROOVE ARMADA - I See You Baby (Shaking That Ass)
6) 311 - Beautiful Disaster
7) LEA SALONGA - Colors Of The Wind (Live)
8) CARMENRIZZO Feat.KATE HAVNEVIK - Travel In Time
9) EVERYTHING BUT THE GIRL - Missing
10) R.E.M. - Orange Crush
11) M PEOPLE - Moving On Up
12) G-PARK - You've Got Me Falling In Love (Club Mix)
13) JUNIOR JACK - E-Samba
14) JEFF BUCKLEY - Hallelujah
15) JULIA FORDHAM - Happy Ever After (Original Mix)
16) DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE - Soul Meets Body
17) COLDPLAY - Trouble (BT Remix)

I've been listening to it all week. I must say this is one of my better compilations. Horn. Toot Toot.

Facebook has an application called "Are YOU Interested?" and I've been meeting (virtually) guys from all over the world. Why am I doing this? First...it's fun. What's not fun about looking at cute guys and telling them that they're cute. Everyone likes a lil ego stroke now and again. Secondly, my comfort zone of the few close people to me needs to be pushed. What began in the Summer is growing. Now that the year is almost over and I sense some friendships that together have stayed the course for many years are beginning to diverge.

But more than these rationalizations...I have been feeling completely jacked into the world and the emotions I read on people's faces, words and silence. Rather than becoming a lunatic from this emotional barrage, I dive into Facebook. Wink.

Oh yea....I see you baby. Shaking that ass....

The Trees of Fire Shade

Lyons For Lambs.
Crying.

I texted Lanny as I woke up this morning and let him know that my bed still smells like him. It was a comforting scent as I drifted back to sleep, staying home and sleeping off my sickness.

In about thirty minutes I'll be 33. As mom has often said, she doesn't feel like the age she is, even the 55 she turned on Sunday. I often find myself looking at my images and trying to find what it is that my age should be. I have always held that I would try and maintain my youthful outlook. Frolic. Keep playtime in my life. It's harder and harder to do those things when the people around you become more and more serious as the years pass by. Finding the balance in younger friends is not always the answer. It has provided some smiles in otherwise dark times. Being around other souls of my years with free spirits seems to be what I need to find.

I made a CD today called "Residual Sense."

Love Is Not A Victory March

Awake.
More than just being it presently, it was a movie that we saw on Saturday. (Lanny, Mark, Nick and myself) Lanny's ticket stub and plane boarding pass are across the way on the corner of the table. For whatever sentimental reasons I have assigned, they cannot be thrown away yet.

Still.
Not just the freezing of movement, but the ongoing emotion that I feed with memories and thoughts of alternate realities. In this sojurn of singlehood it is still so surprising the swift jab that love can hit you with. Lanny will always be there in my heart. This was the most difficult time dropping him off at the airport. Sunday morning we laid in bed while I played Jeff Buckley singing "Hallelujah." Our fingers intertwined; my head turned away from him, silent tears swept across my face. This visit was the best we have had.

Holding hands used to mean so much. When it happens now, it still feels tremendous. It's the simplicity of human touch that reinforces the immunity of a newborn baby and nurtures us throughout the years.

33rd Bday Pictures (Click)

War Games

The only way to win truly is not to play the game.... hehe

Fog From My Teacup

The word is out...I'm a good guy. I guess that depends on what circles your ear is bent toward. It's very foggy outside the window.

I'm on a ten minute type-writing stream of thought. I have put on my headset and started the song "Storm in a Teacup [@135 Degrees]" by Moodswings from their Horizontal Disc 2. Volume up. Go.

How do you hang out with someone who has a boyfriend to get to know them when you already know you're attracted to them? I suppose the same way you hang out with a friend who you are attracted to but know that it is not returned. Only...it is returned. Intellect plays a part here. I make a moral choice because I know how I would like to be treated in this scenario if I were the boyfriend. But beyond a choice not to push anything physical, there is the choice of whether or not to spend any time with the person. On the one hand I say that it is the intent that is of most importance and if the intent is truly to get to know someone then this dynamic makes that only purpose for hanging out. If the intent is to somehow woo them away from someone else then the purpose for hanging out is shaded, but perhaps not shady.

Four minutes in and the beat drops down so that several other sounds come to the forefront. It is what this wroting is doing for me. These thoughts I type allow others to start to move around and jostle free. Beat picks up. Beat plays on.

I think that the connections we make as gay males are so simple and tangled. Some would believe that we are

The simple twist of something that makes me go faster and fall forward. It's the danger that must be of paramount importance because only by passing through it do you know something about yourself. Standing still or watching from the cliffside you are aware of a bigger picture... but you are not living in it.




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Now playing on Winamp: Moodswings - Storm in a Teacup [@135 Degrees]
via FoxyTunes

Bon Fire

I read this in a random boy's profile online:

"I lost the love of my life early this year on President Bush's watch. I am just starting to come out of my shell again."

Reading that touches the most sensitive part of my developed intellect and the broadest part of my primal instinct.

Foothill Views & Red Trucks

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Now playing on Winamp: PM Dawn - I'd Die Without You
via FoxyTunes


"Is it my turn..."
........and I think about the little thoughts that never make it up here. How are they any less important. Sometimes they are more important and therefore cannot be written so publicly.. previously spelled "publically" as I pronounced it in my head as I could hear Nick saying it possibly. Awake near 3am listening to PM Dawn. A sense of some irony. I thought of the song because Arturo was at the dinner party this evening. This song used to come on all the time when we would get in the car together back when we first met. That's the memory. The song may have only come on twice or three times but the coincidence formed a connection and the connection tied to feelings of our hearts and minds and we made it special. I remember that. I always remember that around him.

So by most accounts I heard terms like "success" and "fun" and "good" about the gathering. Something that in my head was conceptualized as a simple meal among a few friends turned out to be a double digit attendance of the personality spectrum. All night I was least concerned about the success or failure of the happening but more in the dynamics of how people interacted. Alcohol didn't make me tipsy or stupid or indulge recklessly... I just found myself relaxed and unencumbered by the normal host duties of seeing to everyone's needs.

"Is it my turn to wish you were lying here?"

Wild Tigers I Have Known

No roars from the disgruntled. That would be too obvious. Instead, sensitive paws leave marks of self while running in the open fields of flowers. The wild tigers I have known have always had to be themselves. To tame them is to take away their breath and ghost them before their time.

Adult Delinquent

At 7:26am I got in the elevator.  One woman was holding it for the woman walking behind me and I knew that they were both on floors below mine.  I felt put out by having to wait for them.  Then, as the woman behind me entered she said, "Oh wait, Chuck is coming."  So the first woman held the door even longer.  The feeling in me grew.  When the door closed they all began the light-hearted Monday morning talk.  As they got off on their different floors and shared that they both brought their lunch today I realized that the 30 seconds that I may have been delayed was really nothing...and I wasn't put out by them, I was disgusted with myself for even feeling like I had to rush to be anywhere and any specific time.  Their camaraderie filled me with a smile that was needed.

Staying Times

I decided tonight that there is no reason I need to see dead people. The shell left behind is a castoff of the person we came to know. They are not the body any longer and "viewing" is simply the way of those left behind to cope and try to understand. Goodbye Jeo... until such time that the rest of us are ready to know you again.

Remember Brandon, suck, blow; the prefabrication is fine, but the final flood is not. Lick.

Randy decided to create an AIM profile:

"FIRST OF ALL - I will tell you when you can get Married....... Errrrrrrrrrrr on my way to California. And NO new dress if you are not good.

SECOND OF ALL - Do not Participate in your own recovery - Rehab is for.... well (you fill in the blank) lol... AND AS BROTHER BOY WOULD SAY.... " IT AIN'T A WORKIN"

Finally - Just like Mrs. Annie Lennox says.... I feel like I am 17 again....

P.S. There is some guy out there named Barney... and he likes to put his hand on your tits - watch out for him..... bad bad bad"

It Is November 1st

Memories are markers in time.  They trace paths that we can see but never walk again.  Sometimes memories become anchors in time and though the world moves on around us and our reflection changes shape, we have never left that spot where the anchor was let out.

Strange how the French have affected my life from time to time. 

I love you Jorge.  I love you Lanny.  I love you Tyler.  While my arms can grow tired, my heart seems to be perfectly capable of maintaining the the memories that mark our pieces of time. 

Rest.

Foggy morning, Full moon

It smelled like sulfur when I got out of my car and walked into the lobby this morning.  I didn't notice any ash flakes like I did yesterday.  The full moon above the smoke layer gave off a pinkish/red glow in the morning twilight.

Byron called a few days ago to tell me I'm going to be an uncle.  I'm sure this will sink in more as it becomes more real.

It will be nice to have a baby in the family again.... hasn't happened since Sarah was born 20 years ago.

Gay Uncles

Byron told me yesterday that I'm going to be an uncle.  Sometime in May.

Forlorn Cuddles

Ashy air
all newsworthy thunder
Illuminating fire
showing Earth torn asunder



goodnight forlorn cuddles

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Now playing on Winamp: Chris Isak - Wicked Game
via FoxyTunes

The Emerald Barrio

The last time I went to Ozz was to see Rudy De La Mor perform.  I was on a date with Gil and I left a newly purchased lightweight jacket on a chair in the lounge. 

The first time I went to Ozz I was living in Upland and I drove down the 57 FWY, exited Chapman and took Commonwealth all the way over to Beach.  I was alone then....and seemingly more adventurous than now.

I wish I may
I wish I might...

Well...

"What can you see on the horizon...."
-"Into The West" by Annie Lennox

I've now dealt with my second experience in almost losing a friend to a still heart. Only this time I had to look into the eyes of death as it stared back at me. How silly to write about death in this familiar way; giving it eyes to witness my fear. The way I feel right now makes me angry at myself for allowing so much emotion to overwhelm me. I can hear the thoughts of everyone else telling me that it's okay to feel as I do. Their eyes say, "How else are you supposed to feel? What else were you supposed to do? You did what you could." (And I think these things too) While death is something that I do not fear for myself, it is something that I have a harder time in accepting for others and I know that this is because of my own selfishness for having them in my life.

Drugs...why do we do them? It's fun. It feels good for a short while. It dulls the pains and worries. It's an escape. It's a journey into a different part of ourselves. It opens our minds to things we wouldn't normally think about. It's a risk like any other risk that one chooses in life. It is a dance with death. It's dangerous, like driving too fast on a freeway. You do it so much and get away with it that the day you actually crash is a surprise. In the end... I'll say what I hear so often from the oldest generation down to the youngest with any ability to coherently speak on the matter: When it's your time to go, it's your time and nothing is going to stop that from happening.

"Feathers And Down"
-The Cardigans

We enable the ones we love to be who they are because we love them. That usually entails letting the bad things in with the good.

Parking Car-ma

Wednesday night I had tremendous parking karma. I showed up at Orange Coast College without a guest parking pass and figured I would just purchase a day pass from a machine when I got there. [Insert Family Feud "X" sound effect here] Wrong. OCC does not have daily parking passes like Irvine Valley College. No, instead they put in parking meters that you can feed. Two issues. I have no quarters and no metered spaces are available.

I decided to leave a note on my dash that said I was a guest speaker and that my parking pass had not come in the mail. (Which it hadn't) I left the room I was in and the instructor I was speaking for. For some time before actually speaking in front of the class, the idea of a ticket on my windshield preoccupied my thoughts. Once the questions started I found myself in presentation mode and focused on the task at hand. When I walked out to my car, there was no ticket. I smiled.

Driving home with a tension headache that is common after speaking in front of a class, I just wanted to be home and relaxed. I was going on 35hrs with no sleep. I parked my car in the guest spot and went upstairs. In the morning, I was rushing to get in the car and off to work. I didn't pay attention while driving away, but I realized as I drove home tonight and parked in the same spot that I didn't put my parking pass on the dash and could have been towed. I've already had the "Final Warning" notice left on my windshield for forgetting to put the pass up once before. (It's always in my car so it's not like I have to go anywhere to get it) Even typing this now I'm getting a flash of heat thinking what I would have had to do to retrieve the car from a tow yard. :-(

I really would be easier to live in a city where a car was not required.

Four Yellow Walls

I'm so far away. I'm walking, not running, but still moving away from whatever it is that I'm "supposed" to be. (who I'm supposed to be) Compare me to a gift card now. I have one for Best Buy that has $3.46 left on it and I've been holding on to it since xmas last year. I'm just holding on to what I have left.

I just don't know what's left.

Remember Yesterday

"Remember yesterday..." lyric from a Skid Row song that came to mind as I entered my cubicle this morning.  I was taking my cell phone out of my pocket and placing it in front of the monitor.  The key guard was on and my thumb was already disengaging it as it was being removed from my pocket.  A flash thought of accessing my voice mail.  The security of a password to access the voice mail.  Enter in the song lyric to a time several years ago in Palm Springs where Billy had been killed.

I remember being in the motel room and his cell phone was there.  Sprint.  No one was able to access the numbers inside because the phone was locked with a password.  Everyone was silent. 


I remember you.

Not Quite One Thousand

Posts. The title refers to posts.

It's been an emotional week. I read a kick ass email that took me by surprise. I'm listening to the rain outside my window for the first time in this new home.

I am tired.
Once again feeling tired.
Once again feeling the not good.

And this is why I keep them away from me.

Infused

There are three candles burning in my room.
Each has a different scent.
I like them all and I like them together,
but I don't think they like each other.

So I choose none of them to burn all night.
I choose the lingering aroma
and the softness of a blanket.

Piercing The Ears

There are a lot of potential activities this weekend. Regardless of what I choose to do, the increased "noise" from the heightened energy levels of the people engaged in the activities has me virtually covering my ears.

It will be fun for all.

While sitting @ work...

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by it."
 - Buddha

Slaps and Hugs

When I choose to be touched it can mean everything or nothing depending on which part of my brain is activated. For too long physical touch was not something positive. Being touched was a way of crushing something beautiful. There was a woman who I called, Grandma, who showed me that not all touches were the same. When I choose to be touched now and let it mean everything, it is with someone for whom everything is being presented back at me.

I don't choose that very often. Most of the time I'm still trying to overcome what I learned while I was very young. Most of the time I don't like being touched at all and yet it is a basic human experience that sustains and nurtures us.

Twinkle

"The easiest kind of relationship for me is with ten thousand people. The hardest is with one."
- Joan Baez


Ain't that the truth.
Shit.

And as I started to type this entry I'm texted by Mario. I read my horoscope for the day:

"Taking a chance can be fun for you today, but your current penchant for risk-taking can also bring trouble. You don't have to push the envelope to enjoy yourself. In romance, however, this can be the right time to open your heart and share it with someone who is ready for fun. Being honest with your feelings breaks down barriers and could lead to a loving connection. "
-Friday, August 31, 2007

What we wouldn't give for that star map so we could navigate more clearly. I'm not so sure a map would help. I think it would only be a snapshot of the way we would see our futures for that moment, but by the time we actually got to any one particular point, the lights would all be arranged differently. We can see and feel light from great distances, but by the time it reaches us, much time has already passed. The stars are not the same as we experience them.

In time, people are not the same as we once experienced them. The moment that we shared their warmth and light isn't necessarily how we will experience them each time our paths cross again. It's nice when that does happen. It's beautiful sometimes. Regardless, I still see all of my warm experiences as stars; bright, shiny, warm.

Twinkle.

Sweating The Small Stuff

In this moment, everything is still.
There is a giant moon tonight.
Fourth house of family what?
I do know that my weeks on running on fumes is over.
This Labor Day will be one of rest.
My mind. My heart. My soul.


I hope to write some lighter thoughts as the days pass.

C me

CRUNCH:

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Now playing on Winamp: Mila Jovovich - In A Glade
i'm thinking this is like a brainstorm excep that I'm going to be far less coherent than when I spew thoughts all over to the next//senteneces///senese and connection most of the time, but connections get lost ...loss losss lsoslssosslsks... that makes me cry and frown because of the lost things...HEAVY BREATH..and then it's gone to the next thought... or to a silence that holds many......so much sleep this morning had dreams and sometimes I woke up to look at the clock and as I would think about reaching for the phone my eyes would shut again and I'm inside my mind. where is the time? where is the angel? where does the love stop long enough to feel good again? WHACK! ----------------Now playing on Winamp: Ben Harper - Waiting On An Angelsuch a fight, always fighting and hitting and kicking and screaming without a voice. SO LOUD..hear me screamingSCREAMING! why can't you hear me screaming? And why doestyping thatmake me cry.pause.----------------Now playing on Winamp: Esthero - Song for Holly I'm online and alone at home and singularly sainted. shoes everywhere.A bigger box in a bigger city and I'm drowning the same way I drown. In sounds waves of sound that are not the ocean but just as formidable. One of my favorite lines in any song in this song, "And if you won't let me go I'm just harder to hold." It's the truth of any love. And when a hold is the most simplistic thing to want.. >why? crash. crash smash smash trash...----------------Now playing on Winamp: Evanescence - My Immortal (Acoustic) asdf,k..my room looks trashed and i've only been here 24 days. HEad so heavy I want to go back to sleep. Washing my face doesn't wakie wakie. Medicine doesn't stop the swinging. Friends..friends...friends..
----------------
Now playing on Winamp: The Bangles - Eternal Flame
via FoxyTunes
None of this comes out in words. None of this is shared. and here my eyes shut down.....shut down my fingers shut down... pull me baack.

Tail Chasing

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life dying with you."
-Justin Jones



Doesn't that just sum it up?
So we run around looking for something else.

Just Worth

I shared an evening with Justin and we both opened up a little more of our lives to each other. Listening to him helps me to reinforce choices I've made and re-evaluate others. I've grown used to valuing his thoughts.

Not Franki Valli

"...yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I want to hold yours too.
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds,
but it's time for me to go home.
It's getting late
Getting dark outside....
Need to be with myself and
center
clarity
peace
serenity
I hope you know. I hope you know.
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do..."

----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Fergie - Big Girls Don't Cry
via FoxyTunes

Week 2, Day 1

I told Ryan earlier today that the 3-H Club is such a fun force in our lives: the head, heart & hormones. It seems that the goal for many is to try and balance these things, and for some it is to balance these things with one person to share their lives with. Perhaps that this goal is not an easy task is itself laudable for the undertaking. I know those who would argue that finding that balance from a more "global" perspective is a pragmatic and more harmonious approach.

I think from the time we are very small we are taught to love-love. We are taught to love the idea of being in love and all of the splendorous things it will bring to us. I think some of us delude ourselves while some of us hardly allow the imagination to crack open. I think it's been a long time since I've felt giddy for a consistent amount of time.

I had two very important phone conversations today. One was with Laney and the other with Nathan. One turned 35 last month and the other turns 30 this month. Hopefully when September rolls around I will have spent time with both of them for their birthdays.

Midnight approaches and I'm going to let the rest of my thoughts ferment in Never Never Land.

Soulful Navigation

"But if you do not find an intelligent companion, a wise and well-behaved person going the same way as yourself, then go on your way alone, like a king abandoning a conquered kingdom, or like a great elephant in the deep forest."
- Buddha

Hearty Smile

I was reading MySpace comments on other people's pages and read the most adorable thing that one boyfriend was remembering about an ex who he is still friends with.

When we're young we'll jump into each of the rambunctious relationships because we're resilient and heal quickly. (Though it never feels that fast) In age there is less jumping, and some call that wisdom. I think secretly we just know that mature hearts like bones take longer to repair.

The Fetus Returns

Not since I was protected in my amniotic play pool and entered the air breathing world have I lived in a real "city." Just about everything has been unpacked from the move from Orange County into Los Angeles County.

Cities have more sadness. I see many people walking aimlessly on the sidewalks and indiscriminately into the streets. (Sometimes just walking down the middle of the street) I can walk to the downtown area. There are police officers on foot. There is a constant sound that is the city itself. It mixes cars and bells and horns and sirens with voices and yells and screeches and music. There is a pulse. I'm trying to find where my heart beats.

Status of blood family.... unchanged. Spoke with Sarah on Sunday while in Laguna Niguel searching for a beach umbrella. Never found one. Ricky, Randy and I layed out at West Beach and while roasting..... the birds took perfect aim and nailed my back and Randy's arm with a fly by. That was just one of the many comical sights of the afternoon. A dip in the ocean cleansed both my outside and inside. A fresh bake has thickened the skin in preparation of the rest of this month.

I drove Charlie, Ricky and Randy to Akbar on Saturday. It was the first time I had ever been there to dance and the music was like nothing that plays anywhere else. So refreshing to dance to something other than hip hop or super gay pop versions of radio songs.

"Pray Your Gods..."

----------------
Now playing on Winamp: Patti LaBell - New Attitude
via FoxyTunes

Blinds

I'm lying here with my eyes closed listening to Ingrid Michaelson and I'm picturing the vibration moving in the darkness to form colors; atoms. I try to interpret the words into visions and as the colors form I open my eyes to see the reality of my room.

Capreeshacorn

Randy called me his hero tonight while we were at The Library in Long Beach. I had a hard time hearing that because I don't see anything that special sometimes. I feel it. I think it. Unfortunately, I often don't believe it. It takes little moments like this to open my eyes and stab me with someone else's reality of what I am to them. He is one of the closest and dearest friends I have ever had. He pushes me to see the world beyond what I am comfortable with.

It felt nice to hear him say that. It came on the coattails of a discussion about just saying exactly what is on our minds. I don't think I was ready to hear that, but I like not knowing what is going to come out of his mouth sometimes. It is the wonder that is Cardwell.

The Atoms of New, Clear Families

Communication has always been one of my strengths and weaknesses. In business, I'm lauded for my ability to organize information into presentations, trainings and easily understood chunks of knowledge so processes are efficient and/or improvements can be made. Communication in this arena is easy because there is a common goal that many are working toward and there are generally open ears/minds to come to a consensus. I know my audience. I understand what they wish to gain. In business, one's emotions are not on the table and those who take things personally are probably too involved.

In my interpersonal relationships, communication has often been my great challenge. The quote in my daily planner today is from William Shakespeare: "The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure." It's rare that I am ever content with failure. The quote resonates with me today as I think about my failures of communication. I think of friends. I think of family. I think of boys and men and relationships where needs were not being met on both sides of the equation because I didn't say something or he didn't say something.

In my family, the lesson learned was that communicating what I was feeling honestly was met with stoicism and violence so it was safer to not communicate emotion at all. Even though I know this is detrimental as an adult, the pattern is so hard to break from. It is easily recognizable in others. It is easy to see one's self in others and feel detached.

I am anything but detached inside. There are fires that consume as much air as I can inhale. The last couple of weeks I have been on a 24/7 diagnostic of sorts. I keep analyzing my behavior with Tyler and what triggered me. Many ideas have surfaced and some of them hold water, but it wasn't until breakfast with my mother and other family members on Sunday morning that things began to crystallize. I'm am constantly trying to walk down a path toward the person I want to be, with the people I want to be with while simultaneously using an example to live by that is in conflict with what I want. I find souls to be close with who are truly good people, but who are not right for me for whatever reason and instead of just accepting that and walking
away, I look to what I have been taught and find the same thing happening. It's maddening. I want to take the person in the mirror and shake him. "SEE!"

I do see.... but I often see too late. The saying, "Better late than never." doesn't always rest well with those who have been hurt. And as she hurts me and my sister and who even knows about the brothers, I hurt Tyler or Jorge and others because I can't just simply stop and express myself. So the cycle continues.... hurt causes no communication which causes hurt. And in trying to break the cycle, communication makes one vulnerable to the trusted. The fault is not in wanting to trust or in trusting itself, but in choosing the wrong people to trust or to trust those who do not know the harm they do with the words they speak. I am painfully aware of knowing the harm I do and how well I do it which is why I think carefully before speaking. How well do others know the same? And why do we sometimes choose to be ugly when it is only beauty that sustains us?

How is your breathing?

I suppose we did all the same things as kids. We? My kid time was in a mid-20's haze and I was nurturing that child with corporate daycare center.

Check engine light came on again today. I checked it. It looked the same to me as when the check engine light wasn't on. That's the deception of appearances to those without knowledge.

A man tries his best to provide for his children and dies inside because he has a life that he no longer wants. I see this in Randy's father and sense it when I'm around him. There's a lesson to be learned in being around him.

Counting down the days to move to Long Beach. There is this shift that is happening and I'm excited. I feel very calm considering the change. Maybe I'm delusional. Maybe I'm just prepared.

Lots of music.

Community

Having dinner guests is a nice thing. Even being in a situation where finances would be better spent on myself, there's a strong sense of community being able to share a meal with friends.

It was a good weekend overall.

Mom is on her way down for a visit this weekend. I went and saw the movie "Georgia Rule" today with Randy and Eddy. Originally, today was supposed to be my day off to myself to meditate and heal from last week's blow-up. Fate being the fun-filled free spirit that it is played car trouble games all weekend which had to be solved today. Shortly after the fix, Randy was in a branch of OCTFCU and called a woman a crabapple. The movie made me cry because watching families interact often makes me think of how my family touches and doesn't; speaks, and doesn't; shows love rather than says it.

The love that Randy has for his cats is misspent in my eyes. It's emotion that he hoards away instead of bestowing it on someone who can speak back to him. The love I give freely to my friends is not often stated as love and I hope my actions always speak for themselves, but I know that the words are important too.

"So long, farewell.....the Sun has gone to bed and so must I...."
The Sound of Music

Love is the sound of my music.

Independent Thinking Drawbacks

Sleep hasn't been much of an option today. A wonderful Independence Day Eve flowed into a sunny day at the beach and continued into a mostly enjoyable evening. Sadly, that primitive part of my brain that is usually under wraps was let loose to meet fire with fire; lowering my ideals to try and make a point. Proof that love does not conquer all.

I think of writing letters. I used to do that when I felt like this. I used to find the emotions in myself to be seen in ink. I used to think it was a necessary component to explaining myself or to get closer to others. I still have the urge to write, but it's not always something that is done anymore. I'm not as needy as I used to be and writing doesn't release the demons that once flew free.

I'd eat off the same plate of my friends and family anytime.

Humpty Dumpty Climbed Down.

I have decided that it's time to get off the fence about different issues and people.

Sound & Sympathy

When I sit in the middle of the four speakers and close my eyes, I can feel the vibrations shifting from one direction to another and back again as if my body was being massaged in music.

I saw a sea lion and her pup at Dana Point Harbor yesterday with Beth. She seemed so helpless. There were people all around as she grabbed the pup in her mouth and brought it up to higher ground. It reminded me of someone on the side of the freeway broken down with all of the cars whizzing by.

Yesterday was Randy's one year. Melissa is lost. Chuck talked to me. I spent Friday night with Mario and Happy Feet. I'm off to Best Buy with Tyler.

The music is swirling around me.... but I'm leaving it for now.

Constructed

...and what a day it was.

Under Construction?

9:10 and the lawn mower has stopped from its start seven minutes ago. I was already awake for 1/24th of a day. I had a text message that woke me. Then I heard Randy coughing downstairs. Then I was reminded of Tyler. Now I have a headset on with instrumental music to create a vibe for the day.

Oh what a day it will be.....

The on/off switch

9:10 and the lawn mower has stopped from its start seven minutes ago. I was already awake for 1/24th of a day. I had a text message that woke me. Then I heard Randy coughing downstairs. Then I was reminded of Tyler.

Stop. Mind, stop.

Soccer Spice

Basil was a tall kid who was always on an opposing team when I was growing up playing soccer. He would play right forward and I was left full back. Full backs are not necessarily known for their speed, but he and I would always keep pace. I remember one time sliding to prevent him from being able to shoot at the goal. We both fell and tumbled.

He used to say hi to me off the playing field when we got older and were in high school. We went to different schools but would see each other every so often. When I think back I think of his "hellos" and they seem to be things that he went out of his way to do. Smile. What a wonderful memory to just drift in today amongst the ennui of paperwork.

Today Tangled

In today's ugly sky I chanced to see a very white dove fly along side me while driving on the 5 FWY. It caught my eye because its color contrasted against the haze of smog.

Finances have me down, but plans for the future have me up. It's a familiar tug-o-war. Randy came over last week and we put down on paper all of my debt and income. This thing has always been a dreaded task for me. I know - in part - it's because I have to look at the reality of what I have done over years to try and ease pain and avoid looking at the very clear mirror that I like to keep fogged up. Ironically, it is in explaining to Eddy that he is a good person that I realize my own disbelief of the same statement. At least sometimes. Sometimes enough to be a problem. Then on the flipside, I can be seated in front of the high school panel this morning full of young minds that are open to whatever it is I have to say and I feel confident, secure and know that my goodness is without question.

I often see myself in quick thoughts as sharing myself in ways that is full of smiles and laughter and light. I find that I drift off into these thoughts when I'm sitting and doing something that is far from this light. Justin and I were talking yesterday over dinner about how people can be emotionally run over and used up so many times that they become the antithesis of this light I see. I definitely see this in myself, but I try to stay focused on the positive things I can affect change on.

As I read these words over.... a part of feels like it's all bullshit to keep me from action at the moment. A part of me feels like it's hard to put words down to try and get these thoughts out because I've not tried recently. There is a huge blockage of energy that I do not mention or deal with and that's with Nathan. In the past couple weeks there has been a silent majority of brain power that has kept sleep restless.

I want me to assert on me now.
Today.
Treat myself like I was speaking to any one of you....
And look at me almost 10 years ago... hmm.... http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/1997/09/lifes-little-ironies.html

Humpday & Humpbacks

The Coast Guard is off and running. No matter how much sleep I get,
it seems that I can't keep myself awake without caffeine lately. I
had my second taste of West Beach for the year. My season with James
has passed. The time for a budget has begun to sink in.

I don't work tomorrow so that I can speak to high school students
about diversity. Divisive Diversity....sounds like a poem title I
haven't yet written.

Open Space Dream

Brief. I was running to catch a movie with Lorena and her family. I
had somehow been detained at her residence and it was not a good
thing. I have a sense of nefarious characters subtly taking up my
time to make me late. (For what purpose and to what end is not clear
in my mind.) As I was running, I had to go through some type of fast
food eater/diner and as I made it to the parking lot, my ex-Randy was
there and grabbed my arm as I ran by. While there was a flood of
emotion for seeing him for the first time in many years, there was
more of an urgency to get to the movie so I didn't stop to have a
conversation.

I woke up about 4:30am to go to the bathroom, back to sleep and no
more of the dream. I still can't wake up here at work. Mind is
drifting. Eyes get heavy. I stand up to make my blood circulate.
I'm glad I'll be going home to home this evening and not just making a
pit-stop off to work again.

I need to let my body recover before I take it for a spin again.

Eye Wells

I just got an e-mail from Lanny that made me smile and then I felt a
rush of time from 1998 to the present hit me like explosion of worlds
in the micro-second that my eyes read over the text.

He'll be 30 this year.

Cousin Convergence

One gets a birthday wish by text this morning and another a several
hour long phone call on Saturday. There are so many more out there
that I have had little or no contact with most of my life.

I've finished off dried (but deliciously surgery) mangos, an apple pie
Larabar and two cups of green tea. Yawn.

Size More Graphs Replacement

I just went into the kitchen at work to get water and as I was
pressing down on the lever at the water dispenser and watching the air
bubbles shoot up through the water bottle I wanted to put a big
sticker on the bottle that read: "Earthquake Detector."

No Ark Tonight

Here it is sixteen days into May and the 17th isn't too far away..... but then again, it's already here, isn't it? It's already tomorrow in parts of the world. Time is not what our 3-D minds conceive of it. As linear as we live our lives, this is truly not what it is. While there are a handful of people in the world that comprehend and discuss about such "timely living," there are more that have no idea what I'm talking about. So it could be eighty-five days into May for all this thought thread really matters. The point of mentioning the days in the first place was that this is the first entry of the month and a rather long time coming.

The short clips: I've been dating someone for six weeks today. Randy and I have been spending more time together. I saw Kellan in person. I still have not managed to hang out with Gina, Marlowe or Lena. Eddy has turned a quarter. I miss my sister. My room is a reflection of my insides while my work desk is a reflection of my projection. I shot blood! I've felt the need to start jogging again. No more Serzone, still have the Wellbutrin...but it's the Elavil that's kicking in right now as I'm getting too tired to type anymore.

I feel like I'm adjusting to the new chemical make-up again. I did it for some instinctual reason again and I'm not fully aware of why. I've been sticking with the co-administration of therapy with the little pills. I feel like each session steers back in a direction of asking the same question and still not finding a suitable answer. I can't say I do much work searching in between sessions. (Not consciously) I do know that I involve myself in many things in order not to get any closer to an answer about myself. I extend every emotion I can into the lives around me and let the energy of all types river raft through.

I've managed even to keep myself so busy that writing--a beloved outlet and art--seems almost a chore.

Weeping Whale Tales

I'm at the stop light and a shiny black Hummer pulls up in the lane to my right. We are both at the crosswalk line. Across the intersection the lane to my right merges into mine. I know this. The driver of the Hummer knows this. The sun burning unusually bright today knows this. I'm too caught up in my talk radio show to care about a race car star when the light goes green. As the Hummer jets forward, I notice that it has a California vanity plate. It's the one with the whale tail...for the environment. Whale Tail. Hummer. Environment. Perhaps this is when the seed for my headache began.

Now back at the office. 1:44pm.

This Random Memory

There was that guy in San Clemente who made me a Bjork CD. I'm not sure if I have it anymore. It was a cool CD considering I didn't like her at the time and was getting acquainted with her music. We were in his parent's house. He was older or my age or right around there. His room was goth/punk/I'm just a guy with creative energy going nowhere. Hmm.....what was his name? It was only the one time, I'm sure. I was in my green Integra at the time. We met in a public parking lot outside of a Starbucks. (hahahaha... you know... that ONE Starbucks) Anyway, from the whole experience, I really wish I knew where that CD was. Oh, and I think he did some coke after we were done and I was laying in bed and he was burning the CD. Major turn off at the time and probably why there was no seconds.

The Y of Age

I was reading bulletins on MySpace and came across one of those long surveys that people answer about themselves. This one caught my eye from my Las Vegas friend, Eddie:

=====================================
15. When did you first start feeling old?

Okay, it was Thursday. SO, this kid at the bar is hitting on me.. he's obviously BARELY 21 if not younger. So, I try ignoring him, and he's just not going away. So, Finally, I'm like. "I've not done anything that would make you think I'm even remotely interested in you, What do you see with me that you just can't get a clue?" his reply "I think older guys are sexy"

This ZYGOTE at a bar thinks I'm the older guy. *cries*
=====================================

Sling Shot Shocks

When the axis of the world tilts ever so slightly, changes take place that some scientists theorized about and other changes are as surprising as a flower growing up out of the oil and dirt of a junkyard pile. Just as the colorful petals contrast a rusty and ragged surrounding, some changes are beautiful, eye-catching events that could go swiftly by without ever being seen. The axis of my world has shifted....

I travelled out to Redlands on Saturday because I had some instinct to do so. Yes, there was the thought that Charles always drives out to The OC and into WeHo, but something more told me I should go to visit. It was movie and food and some exchange of verbal mumbling that was neither deathly important but could not be lived without either. A few days after the visit an offer for employment in NYC that was not given to him was reversed. He waits now for the final answer to see if he will have a new home watching the sun rise in the East.

As I walked out of the office front door into the hallway yesterday, I stared up at the ceiling as I was walking and saw the florescent light bulbs streaming past me. I wobbled side to side a bit not being used to walking like that. I wobbled. It was an uneasy feeling. I was not sure of my footing. But I continued to walk down a hallway that I had walked down many times because I knew that I knew how to walk. I got this tingling sensation all over me that made me think of Charles and I smiled and started to look forward again. It will all be well. Even if I miss Taupe, it will all be well.

To be Continued.....

Add Diction, Speak XcXlXeXaXrXlXyX

YOUR LOVE IS LIKE A DRUG
Bananarama


I can't believe the way that I feel
Whenever I'm with you
Don't make me wait
My body aches
I want to get next to you

You can Tease me, Feel me, make me want you on me
You can Spin me, Groove me, let your rhythm rock me (4x)


CHORUS:
Your love is like a drug
And every time you leave me wanting more
Your love is like a drug
And everywhere you touch
You never get enough (Rhythm)
(Let Your Rhythm Rock Me)


I can't escape
And I can't explain
The thoughts that I have of you.

You're on my mind
day and night
and nobody else will do.

I've been Taken, Shaken, never want to leave you
Do you Understand the reason why I need you (....rhythm rock me)

CHORUS

You can tease me, feel me, make me want you on me
You can spin me, groove me, let your rhythm rock me (x 4)

CHORUS

Saints Say....

Just random stuff I wrote today.....

+++++++++++++++++++
I remember the warmth
of kisses and cuddles
But much of it seems like
a dream now.
Those memories
are overrun with office
phones
missing tones
+++++++++++++++++++

Sailing -
"Oh the candles can do
miracles...."
-Christopher Cross

+++++++++++++++++++

I am bleeding through the gauze and bandages

+++++++++++++++++++

I AM COLD
BUT NOT NUMB
IN THE PUBLIC

+++++++++++++++++++

If I am the withered leaf,
then you are the branch that won't let go.
The roots have already forgotten me,
Why can't you?

+++++++++++++++++++

Chosty Frosty

What makes him a good father is probably what adds to his likability as a manager. My Dream Dinner's boss took off a little early tonight to be with his family.

I had two interviews for a new position at the day job this week. I ended up not getting it and I'm neither extremely upset nor glad that I wasn't selected. I'm in some middle space between, "the extra money would have been nice" and "Phew, I'm not going to be in that next tax bracket."

I'm craving ice cream. That's probably a sign of something deeply rooted that I'm not dealing with. I can see myself eating the whole half gallon. Who decided that ice cream would come in 1/2 gallon and pint sizes? (Yea, and some quart sizes)


Love this.

Grandma's Day

Apparently last week it was Grandma's Day in France. Nick was over and had to call his grandmothers. It was cute. Even without understanding the exchange of words, there is tone, inflection & pause that conveys emotion within the exchange of conversation.

Today in 1993 my grandmother passed away. It was the first corporeal loss I ever had to deal with. A piece of me has been absent all this time and I've filled that empty spot with many other wonderful people that do her justice in her place. I will never know her as an adult. I can never analyze her as I would my mother or other relatives now that I can step outside of the family shelter and gaze with eyes of the world. I think the perfect picture that I keep is sometimes my only experience of unconditional love. She set a very high bar for anyone that I would choose to settle down with for any extended period of time. But until I find that level of safety in someone, I will continue to fill my emptiness with memories of the dear ones that I have in my life now.

I had a nice talk with Randy on the phone yesterday afternoon between jobs. I still don't feel "normal" between us and I don't know a way to put that in words at this time. ((Use psychic energy to draw upon my thoughts now)) [[Oh, you can't? C'mon, don't wait a millennium for evolution to grab you....sheesh]] Nathan will be here later tonight. A play with friends tomorrow evening. A day of rest on Sunday.

I breathe in a vacuum in the hope that I might not need this air anymore.

Adventureland

A long, long time ago I climbed out a window and in doing so placed the palm of my hand on a nail that was sticking up. I might have been three or four. I've always been up for an adventure. I was telling Justin tonight that I didn't really have any "me" time today. The closest I will come is when I close my eyes in a few minutes and allow my unconscious mind to assert itself over my physiology.

I think I'm looking for my next adventure. Or am I already engaged in it?

The Adventures of Sssssay & JayPee

Laughter. So much laughter. There is no beginning and no ending. Abs are the byproduct of making up voices and imitating people.

More to come.... more love to share.

The Cost of A Blue Ball

Up the elevator from lunch a conversation develops regarding land development for hotels in Costa Rica. A man who is well manicured and confident in a sales type of way explains where the hot property is down there while another man who works for Marriot joins the conversation about this particular company's plans in the region.

Ownership rights of property & people is still of such importance to we ants of the blue ball.

Distractions

I thought about having some green tea. Jasmine green tea. Instead, I have a strong desire to go to Albertsons and get some juice. As I think about this for just a few seconds I see Boston Legal on TV and watch the opening scene which makes me laugh so I sit here a few minutes longer. I turn off the chat program that has friends looming under categories so that I'm not side-tracked too much from going the store and finally find myself here writing about it.

Tomorrow. Wednesday. I will have an hour of talking where I will attempt to unlock, clarify, understand. Is it just a game to play with one's self? Another way that I can focus energy on one thing instead of another. Is this the pattern that I follow to keep me going these days? It certainly isn't the clutching of pillows instead of heat.....

a memory:
It was last Tuesday and I was home from work. Safe and comfortable in bed, looking out the window to blue skies and rain pelting on the window.

Two Drops

I've welled up with tears a couple times today. It wasn't sadness that brought them on, but it was definitely two very distinctly different emotions. The first time was earlier after re-arranging my room and I put a song on that I downloaded after finding it on Peep's MySpace page. It was playing and I was looking around my room thinking of hand prints on walls and pursuing goals and family. It all swirled together. Hopeful thoughts, happy thoughts and unsure thoughts. The second time was about an hour or so ago when I listened to a message on my voice mail from Nathan. He took a step on to a new road this evening and I was so glad to hear his choice.

I'm steered by subconscious signals while seeing with conscious eyes, but only my unconscious is truly aware of what is going on.

My Wishes

Nothing too specific.

I always want the best for people. I want smiles on children and moments of pause for those who feel they're being weighted by too many stresses. I want my friends to harmonize and my family to flow. I want love in droves with an ocean's equal returning it. I want people like Arturo, Tyler, Lanny, Randy, Joshua and Jorge to remember with smiles our times as I do and I hope to know them for many years to come. I want my sister to be the woman she doesn't even know she's capable of yet and my brothers to be the fathers that they never had. I want contentment in what I have and curiosity in what could be. I never want myself to let pain become so dull that it's accepted as part of everyday living.

I want you to know I love you.
Even if I never say it.
Even if I only write about it in vague metaphorical phrases.
I want you to know I want your love.
Even if I never ask for it.
Even if I have my arms out blocking your approach.

I wish nothing too specific.

If You Give Me Tomorrow

"If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks... then I'll follow you into the dark."
-Death Cab For Cutie

It's already six a.m. and the shut-eye I promised myself at 3am hasn't been implemented yet. It's raining now. My window is cracked less than a centimeter, but it's enough to hear the raindrops more clearly than if the window was completely shut. So many dreams that fall to the earth to keep it healthy.

My skin is on fire. It's what happens when I stay awake after taking Serzone. Usually, I'm asleep and dreaming so I never feel this sensation. It starts in my temples and radiates to the top of my head, down my spine and out to the extremities.

I watched Good Will Hunting on Friday when I stayed home from work. This is a movie that touches me very intimately. Unlike the movie, I've never found a way to content my soul. (And even in the movie we just assume this as the credits roll.) Knowing something is not my fault and believing it are mismatched leave buddies. They end up finding the trouble they were supposed to help each other avoid.

Dozed off....

Shrivel

Another day gone by
and we are closer to saying goodbye.
It seems the weather is to be our conversation.

Empty leaving from fruitful trees.

Checking It Off

I have the house all to myself again. Justin has found a second home. Art is away on business. No sounds here save the dishwasher I started and my fingers on the keys.

It seems that my days are passing without energy, effort or care.

I try to stay engaged, finding new things to do and small projects to feel like I'm accomplishing something. What egg am I sitting on and waiting to hatch?

Three By Three

Nathan is in town; spent the night here and will be going home today. Last night was just a nice, relaxing night like we used to have from time to time some 8-10 odd years ago in Anaheim. Dinner consisted of Chipotle, mini Butterfingers, Crunch bars & Reeses Peanut Butter cups. (Oh, and water) Being sick the past few days I swallowed down a few Astagalus & a Trader Joe's brand of Echinaea/Goldenseal.

I'm having online conversation with John E. and Lena while I'm typing this. I learn a lot about myself in such conversations with people. I learn how others view me. Sometimes it's surprising and sometimes not. It's interesting to me how the way I communicate with people in this text format varies so much based on the personality of the person and what I know they would and wouldn't understand if I typed it. Some people "get me" more than others. I don't think anyone thus far has "gotten" me completely. I think that kind of understanding usually takes someone with a lot of life experience.

I imagine that finding such a person is joyous from inside out.

Dampening Pedal

"It's a new dawn.... it's a new day... it's a new life for me.... and I'm feeling good."
-Nina Simone - Feeling Good

Not so much. I've managed to collapse my immune system with worry, stress and lack of sleep. Yesterday I was sneezing and today I woke up with a scratchy throat and runny nose. Astragalus, Nyquil and rest are in me now.....well, the rest is slowing typing down anyway.

I feel a strong wind coming from the East. It will blow into town and settle here in the Southland and will leave a wake of change. The morning's water reminds of broken promises to the self and the many mechanisms of wasting time. So I daydream such lovely little scenes and only I can figure out if this is all happening in color or not.


"River running free.... you know how I feel..."

Restless Space Teeth & Murder

With a title like that, it must have been a dream.  In the few hours of sleep last night I managed to loose my bottom teeth, have an entire police department looking for me and somehow end up in space to essentially attach a bungie cord to a space ship so that it could drift inside of a nebula and then get sling shotted back.  (Apparently the nebula answered questions while you were in it, but it told me I was not ready to know and then the bungie cord tightened and we were on our way out before any more questions could be answered.) 

While the po po's were in pursuit on the ground, I was in some house that was protecting me.  They knew what I had done but felt that somehow it was justified and that they would be my safe harbor.  I get the sense that I was younger than I am in real life and that one of the guys there was my best friend.  (No way to confirm that) 

In the mirror I noticed that one tooth on the bottom row was very much out of place and when I went to go see if it was loose and pushed on it with my finger, the whole front row of teeth moved up from the pressure I was exerting. 

What was the question I asked?
What did I do to be a fugitive?
Why were my teeth misaligned?

I may never know the answers.  (Until my next sleep)

The Art of Having "Un-Fun"

200 Seven

It was January 1st again. This time the year was called 2007. Some of us took our first breaths heavily under the influence of alcohol while dancing in clubs. Others, like myself, found that fires in the living room with friends was just as satisfying.

When the new year begins is when I usually "officially" feel like my new age. It's like the entire month of December is an adjustment with the backdrop of holiday parties and good will wishing. It's a month where people tend to look more beyond themselves than they normally would and that is somehow comforting to me during the transition of chronological growth. Soothing.

But with growth, can sometimes be growing pains. These things tend to spike and subside with me. Thresholds of pain are usually very high, so I'm not one to complain. I both celebrate and cringe at the idea that it is easier to endure each year.

A night with friends at Mary's. I spoke to someone new and look forward to finding out more about this introduction. I also learned that thimbles are kisses and not monopoly game pieces.

:-)