Today Tangled

In today's ugly sky I chanced to see a very white dove fly along side me while driving on the 5 FWY. It caught my eye because its color contrasted against the haze of smog.

Finances have me down, but plans for the future have me up. It's a familiar tug-o-war. Randy came over last week and we put down on paper all of my debt and income. This thing has always been a dreaded task for me. I know - in part - it's because I have to look at the reality of what I have done over years to try and ease pain and avoid looking at the very clear mirror that I like to keep fogged up. Ironically, it is in explaining to Eddy that he is a good person that I realize my own disbelief of the same statement. At least sometimes. Sometimes enough to be a problem. Then on the flipside, I can be seated in front of the high school panel this morning full of young minds that are open to whatever it is I have to say and I feel confident, secure and know that my goodness is without question.

I often see myself in quick thoughts as sharing myself in ways that is full of smiles and laughter and light. I find that I drift off into these thoughts when I'm sitting and doing something that is far from this light. Justin and I were talking yesterday over dinner about how people can be emotionally run over and used up so many times that they become the antithesis of this light I see. I definitely see this in myself, but I try to stay focused on the positive things I can affect change on.

As I read these words over.... a part of feels like it's all bullshit to keep me from action at the moment. A part of me feels like it's hard to put words down to try and get these thoughts out because I've not tried recently. There is a huge blockage of energy that I do not mention or deal with and that's with Nathan. In the past couple weeks there has been a silent majority of brain power that has kept sleep restless.

I want me to assert on me now.
Today.
Treat myself like I was speaking to any one of you....
And look at me almost 10 years ago... hmm.... http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/1997/09/lifes-little-ironies.html