The Atoms of New, Clear Families

Communication has always been one of my strengths and weaknesses. In business, I'm lauded for my ability to organize information into presentations, trainings and easily understood chunks of knowledge so processes are efficient and/or improvements can be made. Communication in this arena is easy because there is a common goal that many are working toward and there are generally open ears/minds to come to a consensus. I know my audience. I understand what they wish to gain. In business, one's emotions are not on the table and those who take things personally are probably too involved.

In my interpersonal relationships, communication has often been my great challenge. The quote in my daily planner today is from William Shakespeare: "The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure." It's rare that I am ever content with failure. The quote resonates with me today as I think about my failures of communication. I think of friends. I think of family. I think of boys and men and relationships where needs were not being met on both sides of the equation because I didn't say something or he didn't say something.

In my family, the lesson learned was that communicating what I was feeling honestly was met with stoicism and violence so it was safer to not communicate emotion at all. Even though I know this is detrimental as an adult, the pattern is so hard to break from. It is easily recognizable in others. It is easy to see one's self in others and feel detached.

I am anything but detached inside. There are fires that consume as much air as I can inhale. The last couple of weeks I have been on a 24/7 diagnostic of sorts. I keep analyzing my behavior with Tyler and what triggered me. Many ideas have surfaced and some of them hold water, but it wasn't until breakfast with my mother and other family members on Sunday morning that things began to crystallize. I'm am constantly trying to walk down a path toward the person I want to be, with the people I want to be with while simultaneously using an example to live by that is in conflict with what I want. I find souls to be close with who are truly good people, but who are not right for me for whatever reason and instead of just accepting that and walking
away, I look to what I have been taught and find the same thing happening. It's maddening. I want to take the person in the mirror and shake him. "SEE!"

I do see.... but I often see too late. The saying, "Better late than never." doesn't always rest well with those who have been hurt. And as she hurts me and my sister and who even knows about the brothers, I hurt Tyler or Jorge and others because I can't just simply stop and express myself. So the cycle continues.... hurt causes no communication which causes hurt. And in trying to break the cycle, communication makes one vulnerable to the trusted. The fault is not in wanting to trust or in trusting itself, but in choosing the wrong people to trust or to trust those who do not know the harm they do with the words they speak. I am painfully aware of knowing the harm I do and how well I do it which is why I think carefully before speaking. How well do others know the same? And why do we sometimes choose to be ugly when it is only beauty that sustains us?