It's The Way We Wander

It was the kind of cold that when you took a deep breath it almost made you cough as your lungs filled with such an opposite temperature so quickly. The clouds were coming over the top of the mountain like the fog moves over the hills in San Francisco. But I was in Wrightwood. Straight, sun browned trunks in straight lines along the curving roads. One lane in each direction; warning signs that instruct not to pass. The brown lines of wood are set in motion with the angled green branches. A squadron of "V's" from head level to the heavens. I saw all of this as I was driving away from Nathan's aunt's home yesterday.

Driving on the 2, it links all the way down the Angeles Crest to Glendale. (But I think it's closed now) Glendale, a place of birth and life for a time. A brief visiting ground for my friend, Tricia and her grandmother. I was going the opposite direction. My destination was the 138, a link between Cajon Pass and Palmdale. The sun was out enough for me to put on sunglasses, but it swiftly faded to gray clouds and a light mist as the 138 merged with the 15 South. I was playing my "Holiday Driftaway" CD. For a time I was belting out the words, "Give me the beat boy and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock n' roll and driftaway." Felt good. (I might have been singing on key too)

Instead of taking the 15 to the 91, I decided on the 60 FWY. Probably a smart move with people returning home. I was able to glide all the way through Chino, Hills, Diamond Bar, down the 57 into Brea and all of Orange County. Rain started up again for a few miles, but cleared by the time I reached the 5FWY. Southbound, I was almost home. Almost freed from my freedom.

On x-mas day I spoke with my Mother, Sarah, Byron & Philip on the phone. I told them that I loved them. They will always be my blood. I spent time with Nathan and Randy. I hugged Eddy and Wes early after the midnight masses had ended.

Tsunami. Tsunami of love blankets the earth every xmas. I wish it would envelop people with more regularity. Either to wash them clean, or fill them with something that they lack.

Saturday Streambraining

The Tivo was made for people like me. I think. Never used one and don't have one. Don't see myself getting one anytime soon. Randy, Eddy & I went to Boy's Room last night. Met up with Jason there. Turns out Jason's friend, David went to Chino High School. We compared favorite teachers and that was fun for a few minutes. Tick tock, tick tock. The time in a hot club can go by quickly when you're dancing and raising your body temperature. I should like to take mine sometime when I'm at the height of my dancing. Would be hard to do, I don't have a thermometor, but always see those ones you put in your ears when I'm at the drug store. No more news about the anniversary of world tragedies. Let's just help those displaced. Anniversaries are more of these "markers" that I talked about in my last entry. Why are people so fascinated with celebrities? I already know the answer. I ask it as a way of engaging others to converse. I often ask questions that I already know the answer to. If I didn't, I would be even more silent around people than I already am. Stream. Stream. My plan today is to spend the day with Randy out shopping. I'm not a shopper. I'm intrigued to be around the energy of the last minute people today. Since I don't do gifts, it' odd that I'll be using a gift certificate from my roommate, Justin, to get gifts for both Justin and Art. I don't feel obligated to do so. It's something that just feels right. Like piercings are visual ways of expression that cannot find words, somehow these gifts are the bits of gratitude and love that I do not have words or hugs for. Time and touch being gifts I like to give, I am finding ways to be around as many friends as I can this holiday season. I cannot muster up that much effort with my family. Why? We're just not that close. There is love there, it will always be there, it cannot diminish or be denied. Our lives are gliding on such different planes. In 2006 I must venture to see my mother's new home in Oregon and participate in my little brother's marriage. With each passing day, I have been keen to the fact that a year ago I didn't want to live. It's an odd thought that feels both real and make-believe simultaneously. I know the expanse of my mind and how lost I get in in sometimes. I'm still learning when to leave myself in order than I might breathe normally. Walks under the trees are still calming. Health staying steady. The small joys of NPR stories and moments of laughter about completely forgettable things line my x-mas stalking. So... have you heard of Climatique?

Winter Wonder Weekend

We're officially in the home stretch. This weekend of xmas has begun. The conversations with friends are about their last minute shopping. What will we be doing tomorrow night? Where are we traveling to on Sunday morning? I can already hear the questions on Tuesday at work about what we all did over the weekend. The common things are markers in communication that build information roadways and allow people to feel close. If they were to talk about nebulous ideas that cannot be related like a birthday or the weather, then the markers are much more transparent and the roads hard to traverse.

I want to wash my car today. It's been driven through a car wash maybe once or twice since I acquired it in July. All this week I have had the memory of what it's like to hand wash a car and I feel that satisfaction will not be achieved until I relive the motions of that memory.

I woke up feeling light today. Light to the point of almost dizzy. The spring up out of bed was more force than I had anticipated and I had to step forward in order not to stumble. I didn't drink enough last night for this to be the cause, but it could be the NyQuil and the 5htp. It's been over a year since I've used 5htp on any regular basis. I pre-loaded my fun with this amino acid and a hearty B-complex before going out last night. "Free is all you've got to be....dream dreams no one else can see. Sometimes, you want to run away. But you never know what might be coming around your way......"

I ended a comment on AJ's blog with: "Fear is a teacher whose lessons are best reviewed in dreams where hesitation can't kill you." His blog entry was pretty heavy. It put me in a heavy mood. I just took myself out of it by putting playing the TranceXstacy Genesis and Circuit Girl CD's. Now I'm bouncy again. I'm thinking of Randy and Nathan and dancing. "The longer it lasts and the better it gets."

Loose Ends

More important things are on my mind than snow and Santa Claus. Heavy letters deck my halls. The search for drugs and meds are sometime the same journey.

Martin is back in town. A small gathering has been planned tonight at Hamburger Mary's in Newport Beach. I think I'll grab food beforehand.

Cardwell is back as well. I'll get to see him tomorrow. That makes me feel good.

I think I'll give Nathan a call. Catch up and laugh.

Gray

Crazy lemonhead eating his Cherry Vanilla ice cream. Away, away to home to rest, and break this California stay. I'll miss the stream. I'll miss the HIGHS and the LOWS. A bare back kiss and a flickering candle. Such labored enjoyment, such honest debilitation. I could never hurt him willingly and yet my silence, cold, cold burning. My smiles are small breakers along the sandy shore. Crunching firm a wet sand to measure one's path. Fade out to memories or in to future's unopened pages, I choose to remember tears in my eyes that brought happiness. I felt for the first time a new empathy that I had not shared before.

Oh How Lucky

My review of Lucky Sunday's at Diablo's:

The venue had a very Oasis feel to it. I think that had to do with the club being in a strip mall. Or perhaps it was the topless dancer bar right next door. In my most sarcastic sense, the word, "classy" comes to mind. EOP Go-Go Dancers, which really means, Full Figured. I give them credit though, they could sure move ALL of their bodies with perfect rhythm. Better than the go-go boy who was flat on his back on the dance box for 15 minutes. One of the EOP dancers was wearing a santa hat, a big red bow over his crotch and a red robe. It was the Rocky X-mas Special. (Can you hear the music? We sure could.) I'm used to 21+ getting wrist bands, but here we were "lucky" enough to get stars on our right hands with a permanent marker. (I got one even though I said I wasn't going to drink. I felt X-TRA lucky.) I shouldn't forget to mention the Male-Box poster was being hung by duct tape on the brick wall. It kept falling and was re-hung at an angle. When I was just getting a good laugh from seeing this, a loud steaming sound announced the mist that began to shoot through my legs and onto the dance floor. As I was enveloped by the smoke machine's offspring, my laughter inhaled too much of the mist and we had to move.

The staff, very friendly from what I could tell. The music...well... same complaint I have about any "pop"ular club event. Abrupt End.

Skin

I peeled an tangerine/orange fruit not too long ago. As my nails tore through the skin and the citrus smell leaked onto my fingers, I realized I hadn't performed this act for a very long time. Years. Definitely not since I've lived in this house.

Eureka

I've decided it's too much effort to plan anything for my birthday. So no plans. I'll be where the wind blows me or the mood swings sway.

Tumble Seed

There is a man that I strive to be. Like many lofty goals, I'm not sure that I can ever achieve this ideal in total. I know that I walk this man's path much of the time, but sometimes I look down to find that I've climbed a tree.

There is a boy that I have vowed to cherish. He is the me that brings forth honest exchanges with an occasional unwanted abrasiveness. When this boy grows, the pain is silent but present. Mute mourning. Sitting in the tree is comforting.

Eddy and I were at Thrust tonight. Neither one of us were that engaged with the crowd or the music. We weren't even compelled to drink to try and alter the stage. I will miss him when he's gone to Navy training in 60 days.

Cardwell sent me an e-mail from Brazil. Made me laugh, as usual. Nathan has started a new job with KB Homes. I got to see Mark W. last Friday at Boy's Room. I've never shared that I see these three as my practical, emotional and intellectual outlets, respectively. Practical here, for me, means simply that energy that I relate to in the day to day affairs of my life. Cardwell and I just "get" each other and that's that. Nathan and I can sense each other. I often feel bad without knowing what is wrong with him. Mark will always know more things than I do, whether important knowledge or not.

Why so late? So late is wise.

Spousing

Sitting here during lunch at work is teaching me the valuable lesson of getting away from the desk (and co-workers) for that one hour a day. The hour of reprieve. The hour.

The oh so important hour.

The time that is mine to me.

Instead, I'm listening to my co-worker prattle on with her husband.

No Apolo Jo

I'm not sorry. I have done what I wanted because it suited the moment and the moment was important. I'm not sorry for believing in you, in myself or the circumstances of life that brought us together.

Lesbian Lips

Oh the dearest of faces that keep my abs in shape as laughter keeps me in shape. 

Mornings on top of Long Beach

I came out on the deck because I wanted a space to write where I could feel the sun on my skin. I'm sitting at the table in the shade. I'm writing with a black pen that says, "UNI-BALL" and I'm in Long Beach. Robby comes to mind. I could use--and really want--a shower. A part of the moon still hangs in the sky opposite the approaching sun. I wanted to write "rising" sun, but as I thought about the word and the fact that the sun really isn't moving, I chose differently. I am probably plagued with being too precise sometimes. Most of the time? Always? :-)

I wrote a poem. I'll stick it here. Yay poems.

================

Not Robert Frost
----------------

Up so early
With my deep, dark friend
I'm never as bold
as we take in the
Morning sounds
The birds find their way
because their songs
stop shortly upon our
arrival
Or they have become suspicious
of my presence and
shoosh to draw me out.
spy vs. spy.
The waiting game will be
my undoing
split ends
on glass pictures
so many shades of green

How long before the frost comes?

============

My face in the reflection of the glass table on the patio here at Jeff and Guy's home shows my greasy morning visage. I remember when I was younger...I was so self-conscious about it that when guys were spending the night I would get out of bed and wash my face as soon as I woke up.

This week has been one of the more debilitating. I've managed to put a kink back in my neck. The task of going to sleep at a "decent" hour and then waking to a minimalist alarm song took all of my focus. Putting on a front at work took all of my energy. And I would be in bed asleep by the time the shoes were kicked off at the end of the day.

I've moved into the sun and the warmth has begun to free me. Burn me.

Last night, Charles came from Redlands and we dashed to Jeff's 31st birthday gathering. I met a pair of ladies who shared their Chuck disdain with me. Joann and Carrie made me smile and then laugh. Shawn Long and his roommate, Jason, were present. Always good reconnections. Tanny was out at Boy's Room and followed us back afterward. He and another Irish bloke named Patrick.

As you enter Jeff & Guy's home, Gabriel is all around you. It's a warming welcome into the hearts and arms of love.

Phew. That observation just flushed me with my body heat, a good tingle and a runny nose.

What wonderful roads will I share with friends today?

Sick Puppy

A brief reprieve of quiet in my mind listening to a newly found DJ:

http://www.sickpuppydog.com/

Thanks Rey.

sleepless sleep

sigh. even that was too much effort.

Movie Title

Idea: "Deprogrammed"

Random Lines With Random Play

"All At Once"
Whitney Houston

Pudge pudge pudge pudge.... The fix is simple. Aerobic exercise. Most of the shit in life is simple like that. Don't have enough money? Spend less or make more. Or both. But we adapt very quickly. Comfort breeds boredom. Stop. Stop! Do Pygmies have these thoughts?

"Reach Up For The Sunrise" (Acoustic)
Duran Duran

That's the problem with this time of the year. It's hard to reach up for the sun because it's not out as much. Even getting out of work by 4:30, it's almost setting for the day. I wake up to a rhythm that is not my heart. I stand in the shower for what is an eternity for those who jump in & out. It is only a brief moment of Jeremy sanity where I am comfortable. My water web that never quite becomes a cocoon.

"Night Fight"
Tan Dun

The movie that this song is from reminds me of Lena's mom's monologue in the movie Joy Luck Club. Something to the effect that she is a tiger, waiting for that moment to break free. Yes, I can see the jumping from rooftop to rooftop. There are many images of flight and taking off to dreams.

"Sweetest Goodbye"
Maroon 5

Manscaping seemed so much more important when I was younger. Now, it's just one of those time consuming events that I don't do as often. I'm not sure if that means I've become more comfortable with myself or that I've just grown so despondent that it doesn't matter. Out of touch with my body? Haha. It's a different kind of awkward than pubescent blossoming. I know the power of my body and that most of it is in a potential state because being kinetic would mean that something healthy might be going on and I don't think my mind is wanting to lose the hold it has over struggling. It fights with itself. I fight with myself. Wow... I'm an IT...

"We Don't Need Another Hero"
Tina Turner

I'm IM-ing with Randy as I type this entry. He doesn't know this is what I'm doing. When this song came on, the title also reminded me of "Holding Out For A Hero" by Bonnie Tyler. Both songs have the power of these raspy women voices. Their sound signifies something of a hard life. It conveys struggle. You are drawn in close to their words because even a whispered lyric seems to have its own thrust of wind.

"Concerto Op.8 No.8 Allegro Non Molto - Allegro"
Vivaldi

Strings. I've never liked that a piano is considered a string instrument. I understand the reasoning, but strings sound so completely different. But what other instrument group would the piano belong to?

"Implantat"
2 Dollar Egg

I can honestly say I do not remember ever looking at the title of this song while it was playing in the background. It sounds different now that it has a title. I hear different things. This is much like knowing of someone but never having spoken to them. The song hasn't changed any. The person did not become different. My knowledge and perceptions grew. This song is dark. It enters into parts of the mind that are not easily unlocked; maybe just not shared in the open air.

December 1st my medical insurance kicks in. I know something is wrong inside, but I know not what. I'm tired all the time as if my body is constantly fighting something.

"Billie's Blues"
Billie Holiday

Well... that just says it all.

"Seven Cities [Solar Stone's Atlantis Mix]"
Solar Stone

And this is not dark trance. This is very ethereal, happy trance. This is the type of song that you float to ecstasy on. It is the kind of song that you hug on a rave dance floor to. I think I'll sit in the spa after Smallville tonight. This music has pushed an idea of relaxation. I was so wound up last night that I could not sleep. I had to start breathing deeply so that I became light headed. Sometimes that's the only way for me to get to sleep. Thoughts were entering my head about staying up all night and keeping myself busy, but that ultimately would have depleted my body of what energy I have left. I've been seeing Jorge lately. It's a good thing, but it mingles excitement and fear; two dinner guests at my bar stool for one.

"Touched By God"
Katcha

Another happy trance song. This one belongs to Nathan. It is a segue out of online mode for me tonight.

The boy next door.....

....does not have his penis hanging out of his pants for the world to see. So imagine my surprise when one describes themselves as "the boy next door" in their online profile and you click on their picture to see their genitals. Maybe I'm just not looking at my neighbors close enough. I have been known to miss details. I'll have to open my eyes more.

Boy next door my ass... oh wait, wrong picture.

Though i was so fragile

Though i was so fragile in his arms, it was love that assured he would never break me.

I named the songs, but not the artists

"Get It On (Bang A Gong)" by T. Rex from the 70's and then covered in the 80's by The Power Station.

"Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap. Randy was correct.

The O-Bar... like a gay Opah.

Eternal Infinity

I forced myself to go to lunch today and be out among people. It was the right thing to do. (Today anyway) Being off meds I hit low again Wed/Thur. So back on. "Sucks" is the only word I can really come up with. It sucks to feel broken and to know that there is nothing that I can do myself to fix it without some type of drug intervention. Relying on something else is worse than relying on a person. At least with a person they can earn that respect. A thing earns nothing, gains nothing, and yet gives semblance of balance to me. It allows me to wake up in the morning without feeling like I'm paralyzed in bed.

Marvelously broken.
Sanity, my friend in the far corner of the mirror, a reflection of the picture I hold together.

Justice League

Hot. Aquaman vs. Superman on tonight's Smallville. It's been too long not having sex, but I've been doing it on purpose and of course EVERYTHING is on high alert. How long can a version of being good last?

v1.2
v1.3

v2.0

Parasomnias - Sonambulism

Lyrics
"Somnambulist"
by BT


so little time some little time
so frustrated

some little joy so little joy
it's complicated

so little time some little time time
to work it on out

yeah yeah

so little joy some little joy
it's complicated

I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
somnambulated

I feel my heart's again?the sparks
I'm praying for love

love love
praying for love

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
my hearts been faded

some little hope some little hope
and I pray again for love

love love
is more than enough

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

is more than enough
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah

is more than enough

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
be acclimated

some little hope some little hope
and I'm prayin' out with love

yeah

some little time to make some change
been isolating

a thousand years of time and space
somnambulating

I'm stumbling wounded in the dark
but I'm praying still for love

love love

prayin for
love love love

simply being loved
love love

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah
is more than enough

some little joy some little joy
it's complicated

some little time some little time
so frustrated

some little hope some little hope
and I'm praying still for love

love
yeah

praying for love

the little hope some little time
it's so frustrating

I feel I'm stumbling in the dark
somnambulated

I feel my heart's again?the sparks
but I'm praying still for love

yeah

yeah yeah

I'm in love

yeah yeah

to simply be

yeah yeah

I'm in love

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
simply being loved loved loved
is more than enough

yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah yeah

simply being loved
yeah

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

simply being loved
is more than enough

yeah

Aeon Flux

I am looking forward to seeing Charlize Theron in Aeon Flux.

Reeses Pieces

Justin Berfield is such a lil hottie. He is truly growing into his skin. That was really the only purpose of me writing.

Serenity

How easily we forget what it is. It seemed so clear to me in the ten seconds from my car door to the front door. The rain had just begun to pick up. One last flash of bright sky and I thought of grandma while turning the key to walk inside. I had every intention of writing as soon as I reached my room. Instead, I got to my room and a shower seemed needed. The water. Always something soothing about water. From rain to shower. But I got out and turned the TV on. Crossing Jordan was on. I've never watched the show all the way through before, but something was entertaining enough about it this evening.

So what got me thinking about serenity? I went and saw the movie tonight. Sci-fi meets Josh Whedon's dry humor. The movie ends talking about the first rule of flying being love. It's really the first rule of everything. Movie times by myself are a brief period of serenity for me. Sometimes writing can be. I think of something that Ken says, "Why fight life?" ((Which reminds me of the dinner we had last Wednesday where the ambiance consisted of a light house, the golden gate bridge and a Chinese dragon. I don't know if it was because I am sensing things more deeply again, he being changed out of school or some combination, but that night was the most I have ever seen of Ken as a person since I've known him.)) The saying makes me think of serenity because not fighting life would seem to suggest that one is in the moment and going with the flow of things. It may not be what I would always choose, but it's something that I think about.

I felt my soul in the rain outside. It hailed. My favorite Southpark episode is on TV right now. Mario wants to have dinner tomorrow night.

====================
====================
Beautifully blue
crispy cold kisses on my bare parts
a musty migration
and the blue sky cries
grieving gray
shivering shady shards

a sun still in the distance

====
====
Serenity

Little Moments of Maple Syrup

Hey, if you prefer blueberry.... change the title in your own head. Just said goodnight to the last of the friends over for a night of poker. Not so much poker going on, but plenty of interaction. It was a long day for me. Started last night with Randy and I going to Boy's Room.

I typed with Jorge online today. That left me feeling inside myself. I admitted that I wanted to be both single and in a relationship. This is why it is not right for me to be dating right now. It isn't a person who comes along to change that in me, it's me to change that in myself. Or not.

Sunday already. I plan on sleeping a lot.

The new roommate is a quiet mystery and a reflective soul. I am poised to accept input.

testing from my phone

testing from my phone

Cruising Altitude

I'm coming into my natural instincts again. I'm three weeks off meds. Three weeks working. I'm beginning to sense the emotions of those around me again. It's odd how subtle a change it is. It's my catch-22. I feel more like myself now, but I'm also aware of being tired and moody. I'm trying to compensate by taking naps, eating regularly and taking supplements. While the meds "magically" fill the neurotransmitter void, they rob me of something intrinsic; the absence of which is like having a sense of a lost limb.

I was supposed to be asleep an hour ago. I almost finished my "to do" list. Tomorrow it will start over and I can already sense the RockStar energy drink that will kick it off.

The Hot & Cold of Leather Seats

I just listened to a message that made my weekend. Yes, true, I make my weekend. I choose this, that, the other thing. There be no islands in America. (Do not take me literally) I've been enjoying myself anyway, but this phone message just made me smile ear to ear. (That's a funny picture.) Friday night was I was in a knot because I had not heard from Nathan about what the plans for the weekend were. I felt like I was on hold to plan but all the time knowing that I was putting that hold on myself because of an expectation of having Randy, Nathan and I together. After a long nap, I felt no better and forced myself to go out. Joshua (Gray) and his friend were also going out. Round off the group with Eddy and an evening in West Hollywood was actually a nice removal from the brooding of my bedroom.

When I received a voice mail from Nathan on Saturday morning. I was ambivalent about calling him back. Randy was already on his way down to Ensenada. I opted out of the trip because I didn't feel like the long drive there nor did I wish to spend the night. On the drive home from WeHo, there was a voice mail message from lil Alex (Salcedo). It was an invite to his 24th birthday party at Eye Candy. Another chapter passing before my eyes. I've known Alex since he was 18. He was at my 26th birthday party. I've listened to countless grunts from Randy about the boy. I thought it was a very kind gesture that he remembered me and cared enough to call to let me know about the gathering considering I have not hung out with him in years.
An idea was forming in my head that if someone who I am not close to on any daily level wants me somewhere that they're going to be and a friend who I've contacted to try and make plans doesn't get back to me that I should probably go where I've been invited. It was a hard, but easy choice.

Saturday daytime was mostly spent cleaning here and there. Joshua and his friend, Michael, stayed most of the day. We joined Art & AJ for lunch at Wendy's and took in some Coldstone afterward. Mmmm.... I made my own concoction of Vanilla Bean ice cream, white chocolate chips, crunch bar and almonds. (I could go for some more, actually.) Eric texted me and that put a smile on my face. He came over for a couple hours and we spent most of the time together on the computer looking at profiles, downloading music and then playing Smash Bros. until Rey & Charlene arrived. Then he went home in his car while my car took the other two to pick up Eddy so we could go to Eye Candy. I stayed long enough to remember the group of friends I don't see too much. Alex's roommate, Danny, the son of a preacher man. Bobby was there. (Sans Joey, of course.)

My car moved on down Santa Monica Blvd. to the main strip area and we had drinks at Motherlode and then danced at Rage. Eddy found a way to get himself thrown out. Then he found a way to let me leave him there as I drove the other two back to my house.

The phone message that I just listened to was from Martin. He left it at 2:42 a.m. That was the exact time of the ordeal trying to find Eddy and get him to my car to leave WeHo. I was not smiling at all during that time. My energy must've been pulling for something special to sling-shot me back to myself. (Although always myself) So I'm still smiling... and today is going to be beautiful & bright.

Tell me Quando....quando....quando.

Coming Out Month

I see him caught between the comfort of what he knows and the desire of what he doesn't.

An Jenem Tag

I used to get instant bloody noses from the heat of Summer. Heat period. It's that kind of hot in my room right now. I have a headache forming behind my eyes. I have a smile on my face.

Human weaving is such a craft. I seem very skilled at it with lives that are not emotionally charged with my own. Making time with Mario doesn't seem to be working. Flipside. Spending time with Eric has been effortless and warm. Perhaps the fact that we can truly share nothing of value beyond ourselves makes it so effortless. I can here Joe Ortiz in my head saying, "Just enjoy it for what it is." I try, but knowing myself means knowing that if physical enjoyment is not going to progress to something emotional, then it's little more than working at a job for the paycheck. I try not to overthink. I take the kisses. I inhale the silence. I dream of conversations that end in kisses.

This new job of mine seems to be going well. After two weeks, I'm still not adjusting to the 6am wake-up schedule. I've been taking naps as soon as I get home each afternoon. I purposely forced myself awake today. I think that has added to this headache that grows with each keystroke.

Nathan will be in San Diego with his family all the rest of the week through Sunday. There has been talk of going to Ensenada on Saturday. My first trip to Mexico for pleasure? I'd just be happy laughing it up anywhere with Nathan and Randy. Sitting by a pool with a drink. Talking about the nothing that keeps us happy. Hearing the lil sounds that are ours and ours alone. Definitions of our persons.

I talked to Byron briefly about our trip to Mom's for Thanksgiving. There is as much communication between us as the toll booth personnel.

I can't wait to rest my eyes and start dreaming.

4th Quarter Kickoff

I wake up in grandma's afghan. My room is cool, but not cold. One would not freeze because even at 10a.m. it is apparent that the day's warmth is going to be shining through the window soon enough. It was 3:38a.m. the last time I bothered to hunt down the time. I tailed Sebastian to his home from the club, Fire Island, in Long Beach. Today is his 26th birthday and it was celebrated with a cross-section of his friends last night at The Yardhouse and then dancing. (Kevin & Eddy, Matt & Patricio, Chris & Javier, Ed, Meike, Kelly & Shawn, Joanna, John & Wade, Victor & Erica, Mark and Andrea. I don't believe I've forgotten anyone.)

I have the potential for two new girlfriends: Meike and Andrea.

While waiting to be seated, I felt a tap on my back. It was Arturo walking by. He, Luis, Sedrick & Aries had just finished eating and were on their way over to Jeff & Guy's place for the evening. I felt happiness in seeing him, strangeness in not being introduced to Luis and something wistful about the notion of hanging out at Jeff & Guy's. All together, it's that feeling I get when I am no long part of something that I have brought together; like the children you have brought into the world who are now making their own decisions.

I'm trying something new. No more speed dial on the cell phone. I'm forcing myself to know everyone's phone number. Not only is it an exercise for the mind, it's remaining closer than convenience. Hmm...CLOSER THAN CONVENIENCE, a poem or song title.

Is He The One?

Saw this posted by Gabby on MySpace and thought it was cute.....

Je Nais Se Qua

Some moments in life you never want to forget, but you do. Maybe they're not forgotten, but filed in memory some way that is not easily accessible. It takes a sound or smell to revive it; a de ja vu moment. I choose words with purpose sometimes. I am random with them as well.

He whispered, "I like you very much." in the darkness of my room and I kissed him goodnight. In my head I quickly tried to intellectualize it. How? Why? We don't know each other.

I threw those thoughts away and went to sleep. Warm. Comfortable. My days of being a catalyst continue.

The Golden Child

"Find Your Way" by Elan
-Music For The Clubs mixed by DJ Phil B


The CD opens up. I read a letter/e-mail from Steve. We used to write letters and send them through the mail. I remember how much it meant to me to get them in my youth. I never knew what wonderful insights I would gaze upon. I was so confident of what I already knew. Waking up to--or coming home to--his e-mails has become somewhat of a daily ritual now. What do we talk about? Nothing. Everything. Perhaps more than insight now I'm just glad to know another friend.

On my way home from work yesterday I was listening to NPR on FM 89.7 KPCC. Rather than focus on the speculations of what damage was coming this way from hurricane Rita or talk of the destruction from from hurricane Katrina, they aired interviews and transcript readings about the lives of people who died in Katrina. They remembered their lives with dignity. Connections formed so quickly in my brain. A story of a father who died trying to save his two year old son. Both were lost. An 80 year old woman who was as spry as she was in her 20's; a woman's son talked about the adventurers of his mother's life. The last story touched me the most. Take a listen sometime, it's only 9 minutes of your life:


http://www.npr.org/dmg/dmg.php?prgCode=ATC&showDate=23-Sep-2005&segNum=15&NPRMediaPref=RM&getAd=1

Digital Green

I went and took a two hour nap after getting home from work so now I'm fucked. That's such a versatile statement. It can be both a good and bad depending on the context. I'm not smiling, moaning or enjoying the ambience, so it's safe to say it's has bad connotations tonight.

I remember when I lived in Chino Hills and would be trying to go to sleep on the top bunk. When I couldn't sleep I would walk out ot my mom and tell her I couldn't sleep. She would tell me to go back to bed and close my eyes and I would go to sleep. She didn't understand--and I was too young to put into words--that I had too many thoughts going through my head to rest.

Pure exhaustion is one of the safer ways to sanity.

Crying Art

I breathed in a job today. It smelled the same as when I left the last one. I wonder how long I will endure this one before my body is so run down that I will be forced to choose again. I wonder how long I will be able to fill myself with the company of friends and strangers to push the sadness from my mind. I wonder how much energy it will take to delude myself and if it will work.

Lightning & thunder storms outside; reflections of inside me. Rumble. When I hold someone the pain goes away because it's something that is as exquisite as when I write a poem or teach a concept.

There is nothing blurry about seeing so deeply that it brings tears.

It's Soft

We fell asleep together while listening to the most recent random downloads on the computer. Once a week is not enough.

Work in the morning.

Life Carries on, so says Seal

My ears are still plugged. Grr. Sore throat all week long. Rest and fluids weren't doing the trick so I ordered antibiotics from Mexico and they arrived yesterday. Bam! Sore throat is gone today. So is the fever. (I kept waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat) Maybe I'll get my ears back tomorrow.

Rey's birthday party tonight. 21. When all is said and done, 33 is really the completely legal age of the land perhaps. Only at this ripe age can one become president of the United States of America. Hah. Such a different life Rey has at 21 than I did. I'm in a nolstalgic mood. The icing is a salivating memory of a younger, less evolved self. With each crease and line we gain in wisdom, we seek to recapture the spirit of youth. Loose skin. Tighter morals? Broader understandings. Open mindedness with strict interpretations. I don't think Rey can appreciate this milestone like others because what will happen is another drunken party, the same as the last and the last. Soon, a life has become a string of drunken parties or dinner parties or church meetings. Not one more important than the next.

Then no more strings; tangled balls.

Something To Go On

People came over last night. Geek night. Where does this name come from? What else do you call a bunch of guys who get together to play Super Smash Bros. on the Game Cube, eat pizza, watch the Sci-Fi channel and talk about playing online computer games? I thought so. Geek night is not a regular phenomenon at my home. It never lasts long enough when it does happen, like a three day weekend or holiday dinner where everyone is getting along. Like any good drink fest, I am up early. Usually four to five hours of sleep.

I went to Headway Corporate Resources on Thursday. I spent three hours there taking tests for MS Office and typing. I was okay with my 90 WPM typing test score, but still it could have been higher. Friday morning, they called to let me know that I had an interview at 3pm the same day. I didn't want to get out of bed. I've still been facing this. It has been especially paralyzing this last week. I haven't been able to sleep with any regularity. Processing. I start to look at times and work backward. It takes this long to shower. It takes this long to drive. It takes this long to get dressed. Life is not breathing, it's mocked up into segments and then played. So I spend about and hour and a half preparing for this 3pm interview that ends up lasting about 10 minutes. What did my astute observations gather from this? The people interviewing me knew exactly what they were looking for and I was either that person or I wasn't. Apparently I was because a couple hours later I got a call from Headway to let me know that they were going to make an offer on Monday. I also have another interview on Monday. I am soon to be fitting into another role.

Katrina victims. It is unsettling. I think of the ways in which I will be compromised re-entering the workplace. I think of the ways in which I will be challenged, frightened, jilted, loved. The sleepless nights have probably been my unconscious preparing me for this; have been Katrina victims' cries. Many times over the past eight months I have used the Klonopin not to feel overrun in large groups; public settings. I tried going without for the interviews this week. The changing of meds, mixing, dosing has truly gotten me in touch with the delicate balance my body keeps. Awareness is powerful. It is a tool in concert with support and planning that help action to be forthcoming. I see my life in the gum ball machine with everyone else. Another turn releases another life. Katrina knocked over the machine and the balls went rolling until there was somewhere for them to stop. Another city. Another home. Another ditch. Another machine in another time. Is my life so bad compared to another gum ball? It's not a comparison that can be made to make any sense. It would be nice to say that our tangible, measurable qualities were what made us, but they are only a fraction of the equation.

I spoke with Lanny earlier in the week about moving. I told him to call me back and we can talk about it more when he knows more about his working situation. We have not talked about it again. I'm used to this. There are moments when he feels lost and comes back to that first love; first feeling of connection and purpose. He has grown so much. I'll always love him. I cannot predict futures, but I can sense immediate present.

I read online that Arturo is boyfriended again. That makes me smile because it has been so long that love has haunted and not hugged him. I don't know if it's truly love in his court again, but most importantly that he is open to receiving and giving it again. Jason left him with the wind knocked out of him. It brings tears to my eyes just typing about it. Joy & sadness.

Hot Hot Heat - "Middle Of Nowhere"

Starless Starry Might

Sometimes you just make a choice for the sake of making one. Conversely, I've often not chosen for the same sake. Lanny speaks of me moving to Florida. I've been singing a song lately.


"I could have told you Vincent, this world was never made for one as beautiful as you..."
-Don Mclean

Weidlandt Cardwell

As they place the cigarettes to their mouths outside of the glass, I see the red glow in the black night. We're together forever. Forever isn't a measurable time, it's just a state of being. Somehow we found each other and it's nothing that I want to un-find. I love them so much.

abalone is not alabaster. And My a-balonga, has a first name...

"Stuck on you.... like that feeling down deep in my soul..."

oh my, it's late.

The Life Cube

I walk in the house and rummage through the refrigerator. There is plenty of food that I could make, but it's 3am or so and I don't want to eat anything too much. I've already passed up the chance to stop at Del Taco before coming home for some breakfast burritos. Oh! Breakfast burritos! How they make my mouth water even now as I think about them.

I've dropped Mario at his home. We had dinner and then watched Texas Chainsaw Massacre. (The remake) I laughed probably more than I should have. Oh well. Time well spent just the same. I like that I'm able to finally make a reality out of a year's worth of coy IM's and fantasy.

It's job time Jeremy. Say it. Do it. Mean it.

Swirls of thoughts:... Martin in school, Rey's home situation, Charles fitting into SoCal comfortably, Randy's heath, Nathan's health, having faith in this thing called life. No more ants in the house please. Marines what? Being around people is terrifying me at times. Sometimes I feel like myself. My sister is dating. I have no idea who my brothers are. There are several cards I need to write in the next day or so. The people touched by Katrina touch my life. I feel I should be there. My red cross money just isn't enough.

I still want food.

I was there when Diana died

I finally beat Metroid Prime and there are still people suffering in New Orleans. The victory doesn't mean so much to me really.

Fuck Bush.

Laundry. It's never finished.

Poof!

Car Kit. It was always the kiss of death when a phone would go into this mode. Mine did it last night when I was trying to be reached. Maybe the phone knew I didn't want to receive the particular call. I slept in the car until 6am. No dreams.

When I got home and laid in the comfort of my own bed, I quickly found myself in dreamland. It was the type of dream that you don't know at the time it isn't real. I felt happy. Sadly. In the dream I was living with my ex, Randy. There were several other people living in/around our condo. Many of them I didn't know. Some children. Everything felt completely familiar though. I think that my survival instinct must have kicked in at some point because at the end of the dream, I heard my phone ringing, but when I went to it, there was no caller I.D. and no sound coming from it. The ringing continued. I realized that it was coming from his phone. I picked it up and started to talk and it was Arturo. When I ended my conversation with him, I wondered why he would be calling on Randy's phone to talk to me and not mine. I quickly realized, and I can picture the whole scene in my head like a movie where one's expression is slowly coming into the know. He wasn't calling to talk to me, he was calling to talk to Randy. Even in my dream, though I know the happiness that I had, the reality of his repeated actions come through. Not even in a dream do I let myself be fooled anymore. It's another layer of innocence that sheds. Skin raw.

Began The Finished

"Spinning around again, I rub my eyes... this can't be happening."
-Imogen Heap, "Hide & Seek"

My left hands smells like bleach. Randy would be in heaven. So would my mom's cat. The smell reminds me of the indoor pool in Seattle when I was a toddler. I can still feel that water and see the steps. I've always loved the water.

Steve has been writing me every day for the past couple weeks. I didn't mean to scare him so, but when do I really mean to do this to anyone? My lunch and tour of Woodcrest last Wednesday was a brief, but happy reunion.

"The Path of Least Resistance" It's a song on the 3rd Moodswings album, Horizontal. Have I ever been on this path? Maybe I know when I am because of the boredom. Is it only in conflict that we learn the truths about who we are and face those truths? Can one grow by not being challenged?

I write less when boys are in the picture. I think it's because my mind is too tied up to focus on the words I want to use to explain anything. I think also that on a conscious level I'm aware some read this and that I censor myself. Maddening, I tell you. Censoring one's self is the ultimate in tactful brainwashing. Funny, I wrote about this almost one year ago: http://earthjeremy.blogspot.com/2004_09_01_earthjeremy_archive.html#109584311431625544

Time to plan my evening.

Don't Yell Fire

The fire alarm in my room will not stop beeping at intervals because the battery is dead so the electric connection keeps warning me. I've searched the house and don't see any 9volt batteries. A trip to the store is in my immediate future. (for something so simple)

Wrapped

My demons take a swim tonight. Choppy water impedes their grace. That's a good thing, I think. I am self-aware...haha, but what that gets me is a brain wrapped around ideas and seldom any action. This has been an expanding state of affairs with me. No decline in sight. I get this feeling that I'm on borrowed time. It's a sense, nothing more. 2:11 a.m. A house DJ, Kascade, is what I have downloaded from the mention of Shaun. I have names orbiting not EarthJeremy, but the Jeremy core. A Soul? Crossing paths that energize, stimulate; zap, short circuit. Sometimes too much energy has nowhere to go and not enough has nothing to move. Flow. It's missing at the moment. I think the flow control is impeded by my brain stopping to be wrapped. I see a picture in my head of a wrapped brain being presented as a gift. Bow on top. I wait for my replacement.

Three in One or 3-to-1 or 3,2,1 ?

I was sitting there petting a 3-legged dog named Rocco. This was earlier today, I'd guess 3:30 a.m. Jeremy, the designated driver. Phil, down from San Francisco. We went to BJ's pizza in Laguna Hills and ate in the bar. Dustin & Wes were working. A single woman in her 60's, Joan, sat down next to us and made conversation while she waited to go salsa dancing. She was quite the spitfire. She asked if I was gay.

Phil and I moved on to Woody's. My water to his gimlet. We spoke of his struggle to find a group of gay friends where "gay" is not the center of their world. He does not want a "gay lifestyle." We got to the understanding that he has an "alternative-indie lifestyle." (Haha, whatever that is.) I'd like to think I just have life. The style of that life changes like styles of any time, era, fad. I like that there are gay ghettos and that there are those that want to be known for things other than their gayness. What I don't like is when the two can't agree that each serve the greater community and are not better or worse.

Sebastian joined us at Woody's. There was talk of going to some party in the hills, but midnight came and I was fading. Home for him. One a.m. and Phil wants to say hello to Ali spinning at The Boom. On the way in, Shawn Long is outside smoking and we all reconnect quickly. Inside is Joe, the boy who one the wet underwear contest the week prior. He looks cute with his clothes on too. I get that intuition sense around him that there is attraction but that I should stay away. I've decided to suspend action until further interaction tips the scales. Ali is playing musically, masterfully as ever. I meet Shawn's roommate, Jason. Phil is making conversation with this tall guy who has unbuttoned his shirt and explained that he is a porn star. Before we know it, he's pulling his pants down and mooning the bar. Nice ass, but way inappropriate. Lights are coming up and I'm REALLY ready to get out of there. Joe kisses me a bit more than expected as we walk out. Says he'll call to invite me to a party tonight.

Speaking of parties... Shawn and roommate can't drive. So I offer to take them to an after party until they sober. We drive there and it's a small space where about 20 people are trying to make due. After about 10 minutes, everything is moved about two miles down PCH to another location. That house party has ended so everyone walks about three blocks to a 3rd location where we finally settle for the evening. This is where I meet Rocco. I figure the dog is just as bewildered as I am with all the people around. Neither one of us had a leg to stand on to force anyone not capable of leaving to go. I pet Rocco, refill his water, then decided to go and bring the car closer to the location.

These are the short spans of time where life is bustling around me and I feel removed from it. I'm watching it go by and now I suppose I'm capturing it in text. While I am part of it, I don't feel part of it. When do I?

Last Wednesday I started cleaning my room. I came across some old art supplies; construction paper, poster board, paints and glue. It was a definite sign to take a break from cleaning...haha. (Any excuse would've done) I started making a card for Mario. It's not like I had talked to him lately or seen him since SF Pride. It was a sweet card. Something I had not gone out of my way to do for someone in a long time. I suppose it was romantic, a bit. It's confusing having that part of me that exists with pure lust and it being felt toward one or more people. It contradicts with some beliefs I have about the types of relationships I want, but it's life and not style. I call him before bedtime and tell him I have something to drop off. He is surprised and I can't stay long as Cardwell is in the car waiting and we're supposed to be somewhere. A very sweet, second kiss in front of the leasing office sends me off on a cloud-star. I'm a little school boy, kicking his foot on the ground with hands in pocket. I leave this splendor to a darker destination.

Flirting in a half-way house, halves of me will settle on different souls. The first to take action often gets my attention, though by no means necessarily the object of any affections, just an appendage or two. (Or three) Intuition here is always heightened. It is accurate to the last decimal place, but the moments are fleeting, disconnected and feared so much by so many that one's clarity is questioned. What is always clear.... a body can only handle so much pleasure before it must rest.

Martin's going away bash at Choice in Long Beach was fun. We watched Rudy De La Mor's show. The still shots can be seen at: My Yahoo Photo Album.

I have a few hours here to myself before dinner with Mark & Sebastian tonight. Maybe a walk. Maybe some meditation. Maybe tea. Odds are 3 to 1 that I'll do none of the above.

Behind, behind (lagging)

I want to write stuff... but no time now. Just a thought to myself.

Taking Pause

"He pulled my balls, I touched his dick."
-S.P.

DISCLAIMER

I wake up on Rey's couch to the sound of my phone alarm. 7am. Please no. Morning wood mixed with the remnants of some bizarre dream and the dull, persistent ache of a pending hang over. I have to be at LAX by 9:20am to pick up Dominic. Skyy 90 is something to sneak up on you. I'm sure it wasn't the Squirt.

I've been meeting a lot of new people lately, hence an absence from some writing. I find it hard to collect my thoughts on exactly what to say about any of them. All I can know for sure is that their motivations seem pure and so far I've not been tipped off to anything that would see them as vexations. I've come up with the idea that I need some sort of disclaimer on me that others can visibly see so that nothing is misread. I have a way of being affectionate and meaning it, but no necessarily for the long haul or for developing it past the space and time that I share with someone. Drats.

My new t-shirt line will be called: DISCLAIMER. The word "disclaimer" will be in all caps and basically the logo while the rest of the words will be in the fine, small print.

DISCLAIMER: I am sincere at each moment and interaction. I belong to myself and I share different parts of me with different people. I owe you no explanations.

DISCLAIMER: You need a disclaimer.

It came from Norway

Prestegard... the English version. (Someone on Ellis Island fucked it up, I'm sure)

English: rectory Spanish: rectoría Norwegian: prestegård

English: estate, farm, property, ranch, yard
Spanish: agrario, granja, patio
Norwegian: gård

Hot Desert Trip

8:46pm, Las Vegas

I just finished shaving and didn't bother drying my face. It's so warm here in Las Vegas that the wet skin is a small heaven. I'm enjoying it as I type because after the next sentence I'm sure it will be nearly dry. This is the kind of heat that no matter how much deodorant you put on, you're always a little damp all over. Mini-beads on the brow and back of neck that cool as a wind hits them; absorbed perspiration from the chest and lower back that soaks into an undershirt. There is that body scent of one's natural smell and deodorant that mixes in warmth like this. Body humidity smell. In its own way it is sexy and that's how I feel knowing the venture that is about to be undertaken in a couple of hours.

Nathan is in the shower. My outfit for the evening is laid out on the chair next to this bed. My phone rings. I don't know the number so I send it to voice mail. I wonder if whoever it is will leave a message. I don't know if I want to take another shower before going out, but as I hear the voice mail beeping, I realize that I definitely do want to shower again. (pause to listen to msg) It's an invite to go to a club back home, but seeing as I'm not there, it would be difficult to be in two places at the same time. Hmm, I think, "Not hard with a video cam projecting my image." Burp.

I bought a pair of shoes--because one seldom buys just a single shoe--at this store, Elitan, at the Irvine Spectrum about a month ago. They're royal blue, yellow around the sole's showing side and back. The shoelaces are yellow and there's a red design on the sides and on the back near one's achilles tendon. I think of them as "toy" shoes. They are the only pair of shoes I brought with me to Vegas, but I've been wearing my orange flip flops since I've been here. Summer and bare feet are my childhood memory. It's comfortable being barefoot. Sunscape [Alucard Remix] by Amtthew Adams/Stratosphere Soundsystem.

I played Blackjack at The Fortune casino here in Henderson. Steve & Barbara were great company as we watched our money get sucked into the house. Nate was the dealer of choice throughout the day. He made losing seem fun, or maybe we were all doing that. I learned that Barbara has been married 44 years and now enjoys going on cruises and that Steve is probably gay. (Though there was no confirmation) I had nothing to drink at the table and am not in the mood to drink tonight when we go out.

It looks like there has been a shift in tonight's plans so I'll abandon typing to figure out how to make the best of the news I've been given. (9:14pm)

Party Screamers

Space in the closet if freeing up.

I've felt too tired the last 24 hours. The kind of tired where all I want to do is stay laying down, motionless. Sleeping. I felt this way while Jorge was here yesterday. When I took him home, I thought I would go to bed early, but when I got back home I started eating and eating. I ended up staying awake and watching TV until 3am. So lazy right now. I've forced myself into a sitting position to write this.

Quiet, quiet house. A world of vehicles in the distance out my window. One of them is backing up somewhere; the familiar tones of the backup beeps. All of the sounds begin to trail like that of an airplane that flies overhead and then is lost in the clouds.

I got to spend some time with Cardwell on Tuesday. He came over to go to Thrust. Jorge went too--his first time at any type of club at all. That was fun to watch. The whole night was actually very positive. Bobby & his cousin, Patrick, were there. Jorge knew people. Randy was in a punchy, jovial mood all night. I danced and smiled. I was soaked by the end of the evening, so the change of clothing that was waiting for me in the car was as good as cotton gets in my life. The Denny's occupation afterward was the most laughter I've had since the drive home from Las Vegas last year with Cardwell. Tears just bursting out of my eyes; the flow increasing any time that Randy and I actually looked at each other while listening to the conversations around us.

In the rear view mirror of my life, I've never been the kind of morning personality that smiles upon encounters with people. Even while happiness has briefed its rays upon me, there is a reservation with wreckless abandon that keeps a room.

Unpacking The Past

Is it the shuttle launch? Is it Cardwell's absence? Is it this family reunion that's supposed to take place in a couple weeks in Washington? Is it the complete void where ideas should be for things I'd like to do for work? Is it the AFL-CIO split? (haha) What is it that has me awake right now? Grrr.

I started going through a box in my closet that has old writing, letters to and from people, collections of the past. Poems from Jared and Lanny written in 1998. Sweet things. A mind forgets these things.

Adult Swim on the Cartoon Network.

Thursday Things

Clubs, TV, internet, gaming. Those are the things that people I've talked to tonight are doing. A normal Thursday evening by all accounts. I feel like doing none of those things, but the internet is how I post this so.....

I decided to go through a stack of paper that I pulled out of a filing cabinet probably almost a year ago. It's been occupying different positions on the floor of my room since then. I move it from one location to the next when I need to vacuum underneath. Sometimes it gets the luxury of resting on the shelf. So many letters from old pen pals. You remember, the days before sending e-mails? Maybe some of you don't, actually. One letter that stands out to me is this one from Holly (Turner) dated April 2, 1995:

"My mother once told me an interesting story. No, not the one about her dream where O.J. stole her purse. This one was about her artistic talent, and why she never uses it. It goes like this: Long ago, when she was a young girl growing up in Maui, she used to walk the beach looking for debris. One day she found a large piece of driftwood and suddenly felt compelled to take it home and carve it into something. So she did, and she ended up carving it into an Asian woman's head and shoulders. My mom put it out in her garden, but soon she found that as she passed it, it would look back at her, and she would be frightened. The whole thing was scary. Why did she create this thing? Who was this Asian woman she had carved? It looked so realistic. It seemed to stare at her menacingly. Finally she grabbed it and ran to the beach and threw it back into the ocean. And that's why I always examine the driftwood carefully when I go to the beach. Well, actually it also made me wonder how many potential artists out there are hindered by the fact that their creations terrify them..."

Mine do.

!@#$@%

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK..... all the lights are off in my room, I'm going to touch the keyboard of the laptop to start my playlist to fall asleep, and up over the top of the screen crawls Mr. Eight Legs and his 1/4 inch body. And I thought the adrenaline rush was over when I finished masturbating. FUCK!

Brainstream [unedited]

What games am I playing with myself? This writing that could be so much more. Collecting things as I breathe each day. I stop and think of past professionals, past artists, past pasts. I suppose I should be playing a game that I enjoy. Yes, one that benefits me....no? Maybe that is not the purpose of this energy's spark. "Free will" are words of an expression often used, but there is nothing free about exercising it. I think like a child; immediate sight, immediate dealings. Watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" reminded me of that. So write I think. But this is one thought of many. Jorge repeats the words that so many have told me. I think too much. Weight. Wait. Glancing around my room, still too much clutter for my taste, but less so than ever before. I had a visit from Bobby this morning. He brought his gay cousin with him. The seemingly random energies that transfer through when I feel this way are more thoughts that stir. Do they come at such times to test my own resolve or to remind me of something else? Air conditioner. Cool down the thoughts of a boy, not a child now. Hiding is a man, quite aware of this world situation and quite powerless in the conventional way of man to think. Powerful in spirit. I'm bracing for impact--have been for a while. I'm so strapped in that I don't think it's the impact that will hurt, rather, the things that are supposed to save me. Milk sounds good. I'm not really hungry but could eat, but no more eating out now that I've embarked on having a vehicle again. Everyone is asking if I'm excited to have it and I think, "No, not really." It has not been touched all day. I was at The Abbey this last Saturday; a tour guide for Voltaire, though while being there I felt adrift somehow, like even knowing the place, I didn't KNOW the place. (Or maybe didn't want to know) Gil was there and still nothing really understood about what type of relationship we have. I read blogs from other people and they seem so simple compared to what I type. Is that mean to say? I doubt that any of us really try to sound complex when we're uploading these thoughts. It's "stuff" in our heads. It's background noise in our brains and we choose to share it like this. Sometimes there's no other way to share it. Sometimes there aren't the skills to talk or the desire to touch in any other way. I miss my friends because they are so far away and our lives continue to grow further apart. That doesn't mean that new relationships don't form, because they do. I've spent more time with Ken in the last few weeks than I have Cardwell.. haha. It's a different kind of relationship and the people who bridge into me are not always the people I would guess. (Or maybe choose, or not choose) The game that I want to play I'm not sure if I can win, and that's sad that I think that way; for playing the game might be what winning is all about--- and then again, winning shouldn't be as important as it is made to be. It is. Because we have taught ourselves to believe that and continue to teach it. I walk a wire, weary of which way I wander. (What gallows await me in any game I play?)

What is Success

I was cleaning out old e-mails and ran across this. If this is true, then I think the lesson to learn is to skip the middle part and remember what's really important in life. Thought I would share.

SUCCESS AT AGE:

4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
12 success is . . . having friends.
16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
20 success is . . . having money.
35 success is . . . having money.
50 success is . . . having hair.
60 success is . . . not sagging.
70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
75 success is . . . having friends.
80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Pick-up

I'm wearing a button up shirt that was given to me by a stranger while I was in San Francisco a few weeks ago. I took a shower in his apartment. No, I didn't sleep with him. I thought it was very kind of him. Martin and Art are downstairs laughing at the TV show they're watching. I'm listening to "Communication" by The Cardigans. Scotticus sent it to me while we were chatting yesterday. I receive so much from others. It should be enough to keep me happy.

Happiness is that thing that I make for myself, I know. I just wish that everything in me would cooperate. It's part Mac and part Windows. I operate, and breakdown. Restarting takes so much time. Sometimes I walk away from myself to come back and see from a different perspective.

Where Are The Rustling Leaves

Art told me that he talked to Randy (my ex, Humbee), last night. Told me on the drive to the beach. Now, hours later and not being able to fall asleep, I sit to write this poem and see what I cannot let go of.

(1:45pm)
If baby's breath can be planted
Then adult ailments can grow
And vines that tangle
The built up walls
Bridge Earth and Sun...eternal

Our engines forging forward;
A fog to light the way
So when he turns the bed down
A wind finds ways of winning

Clear Garden's colorful shine
Received the water from My stream
Their beautiful aroma is heartache
Save Spirit and Body to hold

Mozilla

So here I am typing within Mozilla's Foxfire browser. I'm testing it out to see if I like it. So far, so good. They also have an e-mail client called Thunderbird. I'm not so happy with that because it cannot get any of my Hotmail. (But I am trying to ween away from that anyway) So anyway, the testing will continue over the next week.

The car I was scheduled to see tomorrow has been sold. :-(** So that leaves me with an alternative to look at on Friday evening before hosting Geek Night for the premiere of all the new Sci-Fi channel shows. Yay.

Stirring. Stirring. Evita plays.

So last Sunday was a bit overcast. Hard to tell when you take a black & white photo. Oh well. I like the way it looked. It reflected something of my weekend mood. 

Holding Shoulders

So somewhat arbitrarily I decided not to get drunk starting on June 1st. I did not vow not to drink at all, just simply not to take it to the point where I'm laughing at everything and then falling asleep on the ride home. So far I'm on track.

"Jealousy is a useless emotion that one must learn to overcome until it is no more."
-jmp

I'm working on posting my poetry in another blog. Once it's all up, I'll put a link here on the journal so it can be accessed. I have to find everything filed away first.

A sixteen year old on MySpace sent me a message that read, "hey umm i know this is random but your really hott and i would so let you have your way with me....:) " Okay, when I was 16, I would have nothing to do with someone 21, let alone 30. It's flattering, but as Cardwell is fond of saying, "16 will get you 20." haha

I downloaded the pictures from Sunday at the beach. Some really cute ones. I mailed them out to Art, Cody, Jared, Martin, Will & Steven. I also got several pictures of La Tortuga for Sebastian. (She's a beach fixture and I cannot say anything more.)

I haven't been to THRUST in a while so I'm thinking about going tonight. See how I do among people. The public. Sometimes I just hate people. Sometimes I marginally like them. Haha.. That sounds so horrible. Perhaps it's just more honest leaking through as two whole weeks have passed so I know these meds are completely into me by now. (As proven by not sleeping last night because I never got tired.) I forced myself to nap for a couple hours in the morning.

Survey Says?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name:	Jeremy
Birthday:	Thursday
Birthplace:	EARTH
Current Location:	Irvine, CA
Eye Color:	Black in the middle, hazel around that, then white around that, WITH eyelids
Hair Color:	Mom says it's Dark Brown, but we all know when you put product in it, looks black
Height:	With shoes or without? 5'9" barefoot
Right Handed or Left Handed:	Yes
Your Heritage:	I come from a long chain of DNA
The Shoes You Wore Today:	It's 9:13am, i haven't worn any shoes yet.
Your Weakness:	Giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Your Fears:	Me, Myself & I
Your Perfect Pizza:	Umm, cooked?
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	I don't play soccer anymore.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	Super (Usually meant sarcastically)
Thoughts First Waking Up:	Kill those birds
Your Bedtime:	Anytime after midnight
Your Most Missed Memory:	Spending time with my grandmother
Pepsi or Coke:	RC Cola, duh. (Ok, Cherry Coke)
MacDonalds or Burger King:	Jack-In-The-Box
Single or Group Dates:	Single if just getting to know someone, Group if you've been together a while
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	Earl Grey, Jasmine, Chamomile (Hot)
Chocolate or Vanilla:	Vanilla (Chocolate only with nuts)
Cappuccino or Coffee:	Barf. Never finished a cup of coffee in my life.
Do you Smoke:	Nope
Do you Swear:	Darnit, what the Heck kind of question is this. Fudge!
Do you Sing:	When I feel compelled to do so.
Do you Shower Daily:	I'm scared that this is really a question. I'm not a commando.
Have you Been in Love:	A few times.
Do you want to go to College:	hahahaha, sometimes yes, sometimes no
Do you want to get Married:	It's sort of a moot questions unless I live in Mass.
Do you belive in yourself:	I think, therefore, I am. I believe so, or else who is pushing the keyboard keys?
Do you get Motion Sickness:	Nope. (Not even on waterbeds)
Do you think you are Attractive:	Interesting question. More so now than when I was younger.
Are you a Health Freak:	Absolutely! Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream.
Do you get along with your Parents:	In short bursts of time spread out.
Do you like Thunderstorms:	Yes
Do you play an Instrument:	I don't really consider the Piano an instrument so much as a little piece of heaven.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	Yes
In the past month have you Smoked:	Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	Hmm... do the pot brownies at SF Pride count?
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	Yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	Yes sadly, I cannot tell a lie.
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	No, and if you have fatty, PUT THE BOX DOWN.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	I'm not a canibal, and if I was I would not eat a Japanese girl.
In the past month have you been on Stage:	I was called up from the audience at a Rudy de la More
In the past month have you been Dumped:	Kinda hard to be dumped when you don't have a b/f and no one's taken me to a landfill
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	No. Only done it once in my life. Thanks Josh.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	You don't really steal someone's virginity, right?
Ever been Drunk:	Yes, in both senses of the question.
Ever been called a Tease:	Yup... I'm old fashioned
Ever been Beaten up:	Chad in kindergarten. Thanks for the stiches.
Ever Shoplifted:	I take the 5th. (And I'll take that, and that and that too)
How do you want to Die:	By my own choosing
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	It's never going to happen
What country would you most like to Visit:	Australia
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:	Don't have one.
Favourite Hair Color:	Umm... look one above
Short or Long Hair:	Generally short, but longer hair sometimes catches my eye.
Height:	Within a few inches taller or short than me.
Weight:	Proportional to their body
Best Clothing Style:	Like I know anything about style but having your own.
Number of Drugs I have taken:	Well, caffeine is a drug, plus antibiotics, plus OTC and those "other" ones. I don't have any idea.
Number of CDs I own:	Don't know, I rip them to my computer and then never look at them again usually.
Number of Piercings:	None now. Have had, tongue, eyebrow, ears
Number of Tattoos:	One. Chinese characters for "peaceful" and "tiger"
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	Maybe one or two, but never dwell.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

Spirits Running Free

"A degree in the School of Life is only earned when one's Death Certificate is issued."
-jmp

Rey came over last night and we shared a couple rum & cokes and then played The Cube. While he smoked in the backyard, we talked about growing and understand ideas and people's motivations. He too called me a "free spirit." I've written about this before somewhere in this journal. I never quite know what a person means when they call me that. Rey tried to explain it in words. It basically came out to me that my understanding of people and the actions I take in life formulate the picture of a free spirit for him. I suppose that the perceptions of others will always be different than my feelings inside--the voids and darkness that others cannot see. I think of this as the outter space within me. It is infinite and vast and interminable to traverse. One could get lost if really looking inward too deeply, so I've been learning to focus outward.

And the world outside is so much smaller. Easier to understand. So if this makes me a free spirit.... then I wish that more could have this understanding.

Internet Meeting Sites

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Leaving, learning, leaning

There are some special things that people have given to me over the years. Letters, poems, sculptures, music, their time, their kisses. When possible I keep them in special files or displayed. These items that were crafted by hand show the minds of the people behind them. They convey emotion even though they are just inanimate objects. When meaning is given to something, a sort of life begins.

I haven't been able to crack the right side of my neck for over two weeks now. I can get the little cracks to come out, but the really good feeling kind just won't happen. It hurts to crack my big toe on my right foot too, but that's been the case for several months now. The good news about my body today is that I had my eye doctor check up and one year after surgery my vision is still 20/15. One year down... another 30-40 to go?

Summertime settle down time. I'm getting that feeling from friends and some strangers. However, the ever rampant run free and dip your stick in every bowl of honey isn't gone or forgotten either. I find myself in the former group now. I'm taking time to get to know people and see who they are as people and see how that fits in with me. (Or doesn't) I feel extremely impatient through this process, but I know what happens when one foregoes taking the time. If I were straight, I'd probably end up married and wondering why I was. Not fun. This is the right we fight for? Well, why not? We should be able to have just as great of fuck ups as anyone else. (Oh, and the joys too =)

Fourth of July weekend was spent at the beach for two days. I became ill with strep throat on Sunday and I don't remember being hit with it so hard since I was a child. Leftover Levaquin seems to be taking care of it. Who knew you could buy antibiotics online without a prescription? Crazy beautiful.

Tripping The Rift. Very funny show.