Something To Go On

People came over last night. Geek night. Where does this name come from? What else do you call a bunch of guys who get together to play Super Smash Bros. on the Game Cube, eat pizza, watch the Sci-Fi channel and talk about playing online computer games? I thought so. Geek night is not a regular phenomenon at my home. It never lasts long enough when it does happen, like a three day weekend or holiday dinner where everyone is getting along. Like any good drink fest, I am up early. Usually four to five hours of sleep.

I went to Headway Corporate Resources on Thursday. I spent three hours there taking tests for MS Office and typing. I was okay with my 90 WPM typing test score, but still it could have been higher. Friday morning, they called to let me know that I had an interview at 3pm the same day. I didn't want to get out of bed. I've still been facing this. It has been especially paralyzing this last week. I haven't been able to sleep with any regularity. Processing. I start to look at times and work backward. It takes this long to shower. It takes this long to drive. It takes this long to get dressed. Life is not breathing, it's mocked up into segments and then played. So I spend about and hour and a half preparing for this 3pm interview that ends up lasting about 10 minutes. What did my astute observations gather from this? The people interviewing me knew exactly what they were looking for and I was either that person or I wasn't. Apparently I was because a couple hours later I got a call from Headway to let me know that they were going to make an offer on Monday. I also have another interview on Monday. I am soon to be fitting into another role.

Katrina victims. It is unsettling. I think of the ways in which I will be compromised re-entering the workplace. I think of the ways in which I will be challenged, frightened, jilted, loved. The sleepless nights have probably been my unconscious preparing me for this; have been Katrina victims' cries. Many times over the past eight months I have used the Klonopin not to feel overrun in large groups; public settings. I tried going without for the interviews this week. The changing of meds, mixing, dosing has truly gotten me in touch with the delicate balance my body keeps. Awareness is powerful. It is a tool in concert with support and planning that help action to be forthcoming. I see my life in the gum ball machine with everyone else. Another turn releases another life. Katrina knocked over the machine and the balls went rolling until there was somewhere for them to stop. Another city. Another home. Another ditch. Another machine in another time. Is my life so bad compared to another gum ball? It's not a comparison that can be made to make any sense. It would be nice to say that our tangible, measurable qualities were what made us, but they are only a fraction of the equation.

I spoke with Lanny earlier in the week about moving. I told him to call me back and we can talk about it more when he knows more about his working situation. We have not talked about it again. I'm used to this. There are moments when he feels lost and comes back to that first love; first feeling of connection and purpose. He has grown so much. I'll always love him. I cannot predict futures, but I can sense immediate present.

I read online that Arturo is boyfriended again. That makes me smile because it has been so long that love has haunted and not hugged him. I don't know if it's truly love in his court again, but most importantly that he is open to receiving and giving it again. Jason left him with the wind knocked out of him. It brings tears to my eyes just typing about it. Joy & sadness.

Hot Hot Heat - "Middle Of Nowhere"