Brainstream [unedited]

What games am I playing with myself? This writing that could be so much more. Collecting things as I breathe each day. I stop and think of past professionals, past artists, past pasts. I suppose I should be playing a game that I enjoy. Yes, one that benefits me....no? Maybe that is not the purpose of this energy's spark. "Free will" are words of an expression often used, but there is nothing free about exercising it. I think like a child; immediate sight, immediate dealings. Watching "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" reminded me of that. So write I think. But this is one thought of many. Jorge repeats the words that so many have told me. I think too much. Weight. Wait. Glancing around my room, still too much clutter for my taste, but less so than ever before. I had a visit from Bobby this morning. He brought his gay cousin with him. The seemingly random energies that transfer through when I feel this way are more thoughts that stir. Do they come at such times to test my own resolve or to remind me of something else? Air conditioner. Cool down the thoughts of a boy, not a child now. Hiding is a man, quite aware of this world situation and quite powerless in the conventional way of man to think. Powerful in spirit. I'm bracing for impact--have been for a while. I'm so strapped in that I don't think it's the impact that will hurt, rather, the things that are supposed to save me. Milk sounds good. I'm not really hungry but could eat, but no more eating out now that I've embarked on having a vehicle again. Everyone is asking if I'm excited to have it and I think, "No, not really." It has not been touched all day. I was at The Abbey this last Saturday; a tour guide for Voltaire, though while being there I felt adrift somehow, like even knowing the place, I didn't KNOW the place. (Or maybe didn't want to know) Gil was there and still nothing really understood about what type of relationship we have. I read blogs from other people and they seem so simple compared to what I type. Is that mean to say? I doubt that any of us really try to sound complex when we're uploading these thoughts. It's "stuff" in our heads. It's background noise in our brains and we choose to share it like this. Sometimes there's no other way to share it. Sometimes there aren't the skills to talk or the desire to touch in any other way. I miss my friends because they are so far away and our lives continue to grow further apart. That doesn't mean that new relationships don't form, because they do. I've spent more time with Ken in the last few weeks than I have Cardwell.. haha. It's a different kind of relationship and the people who bridge into me are not always the people I would guess. (Or maybe choose, or not choose) The game that I want to play I'm not sure if I can win, and that's sad that I think that way; for playing the game might be what winning is all about--- and then again, winning shouldn't be as important as it is made to be. It is. Because we have taught ourselves to believe that and continue to teach it. I walk a wire, weary of which way I wander. (What gallows await me in any game I play?)