Chest Cramps

2:57am If I were to wish upon a shooting star tonight, I would wish for naivete again. A couple days ago there was a conversation going on about which Golden Girl we were most like and I saw myself as a mix between Sophia & Rose. I'm definitely more of a Sophia---sarcasm, but it's the trusting nature of Rose that I think of when making my wish upon a star.

The day was spent at the beach with roommate Art and Sebastian. I slept for most of it and deepened my browning. I don't recall dreaming.

Arturo said an interesting thing to me today. It sticks in my head because it's rare that he volunteers information about my dating life. He feels I'm putting Ryan before myself. His evidence is that in trying to be patient I am not being myself. I laughed in response, but I can see what he is observing. He sees what I see as well. But he's not me feeling what it is that I want for myself. Who knows... it may turn out that patience is not something that was built into me and I shouldn't try and alter the nature that is me. It may turn out that I do find some way of being more patient. I think that the answer lies somewhere within anger, urgency & expression.

When I was a child I learned how to bottle my emotions. When I went out into the world the bottle was uncorked and what burst out was a lifetime of anger. The other emotions settled at the bottom of the bottle and were either too heavy to deal with or weighted under the anger. Time matured me somewhat and I became a good adult who doesn't express anger or love or hate in outward and aggressive ways, but in subtle passive ways instead.

Yawn. But I'm not sleepy. Just bored. I think I'll work on my story now.
Yesterday I e-mailed someone about volunteering with a troubled teen mentoring program. Hopefully when they get in the office Monday morning they'll respond with more information.