Drift Away

On Thursday morning I woke up in Ontario. It was strange to be back in the last chapter of my life. As I got in my car and started driving down Euclid, I remembered Sebastian was back in school this week preparing his classroom for next week. I thought about Steve Harrison and thought that maybe he'd be at his school preparing so I drove around Riverside Dr., Walnut, Grove & Campus looking for his junior high. I finally found it admid a flurry of construction. Their portable school was being turned into actual buildings.

I parked my car and saw this man pulling a cart behind him. The walk was strangely familiar. I know that sounds weird...how does one recognize another by a walk, but there is a distinctiveness to most of our walks. Fuck.. I'm just observant--albeit with random selectiveness. It was Randy Young, my science teacher from junior high. This was fitting that I should see him first after leaving Randy Avery's house not 20 minutes earlier. I called out to him and he walked me over to Steve's room. Red-face surprise.

He hadn't aged in my eyes. It was a reconnection that made me feel really good. Had to leave for school, but I got his new address to keep in touch.

Nathan is coming here for the weekend. I lucked out and by shift swapping was able to get the entire weekend off. I don't know who is smiling upon me, but this is perfect timing.

I see myself as not specializing. What do I mean by that. I think I mean that I'm not taking any interest in a particular field in life or wanting to become knowledgable of any one thing. I don't read. I don't watch the news. I'm more interested in watching people or spending time with friends. My specialization is people in a way; helping them to see or feel. I'm changed by the experience as well.

I went to Oasis in Upland on Wednesday Night. On the way up, I picked Randy Avery up and we went to go and hang out. The place was not as bad as I remembered it. To me, it was the equivalent of the Inland Empire's Boom Boom Room: a local hangout. We had fun drinking a little and talking. The music was decent. The club is the most mixed male/female place that I can remember for a gay club.

My past with this Randy is from a time in life when I was a child to relationships. I ran before trying to communicate. I didn't know how to express my feelings beyond hurt and anger. It was very new to be loved and love in return. This Randy was really my first, true relationship. When we parted on bad terms, it was very simple just to cast him aside. In later years, we would reconnect, but always be geographically distanced which made it easy to just bury my feelings. (Like Jared & Jeremy never being around to linger, I have put the feelings for them to rest.) Spending the night with Randy took me back to being the affectionate piece of me that never showed through at the time.

I realized that I want to cuddle & companionship, but I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not willing to make the time for a relationship. I want to get me back to a complete person as possible. Right now, although functional, I feel like I'm "getting by." I also feel that things are getting better. I notice little things that I say and do that I'm glad I'm doing again. Speaking up when otherwise I might be silent and vice versa. Closeness to people that I'm feeling again. Clarity to see something although it may be painful. (i.e. Ryan) Being silly again and having fun with it.

Huggies

You can feel a lot in a hug. Some people make it short, casual. There is no squeeze, maybe just a pat on the back. Some people let it linger. Some people rub their hand up and down your back. Some people kiss the cheek or neck--not suggestively.

I was lying here in bed and staring at the ceiling. I thought about when the next I might see Ryan would be. How would that be? I was picturing some type of public place where I was with my friends and he was with his and we noticed each other. I smile a short twitch of the corners of my mouth and do a very subdued hand gesture saying "hi" from a distance and mouthing the words without sound. In his eyes I can see that he doesn't know exactly how to react. I feel somewhat the same inside. I'm happy and sad. Happy for the chance meeting again, sad because it forces memories. We hug, and I don't want to let go.

A hug can be very close.

Standing in the dark of night under the moon & stars and the train goes by

6:56am Oh my god.. the kiss.. the kiss... the kiss. (hmm...what would be my god exactly?) Holding him and smelling him and feeling him. It's all so poignant. It's what I want.

Rainy Eyes

3:46am Emotion taxes. I bet Bush can't help cut those this year or any other. Doubtful that any president has that kind of power. Without an Emotional Tax, we would hardly value the emotion itself. If we could have something effortlessly, without work, then what would be the incentive or drive for wanting it? The perfect example for me is pretty much anything that I have applied myself in work-wise. The jobs are incredibly easy on the task level and therefore I've never really held any value (save my paycheck) with any of the jobs I've had.

I've learned to value the effort it takes in maintaining and sustaining a relationship. It isn't always easy. There are long periods of time that are easy, but there are also intense moments when emotions are strained. I didn't realize how much I cared for Ryan until there was a moment when I knew he wouldn't be coming by anymore. I realized how much he had begun to shape in my world and how I liked that.

I went driving around today. I rushed a shower so that I could make it to IVC by 2pm for my student I.D. card. I walked through the door as the attendant was going to lock it. I could see on his face that he didn't want to let me in, but I forced my way through anyway. The clock in his office still showed 5 minutes til. I liked the picture. When I left the campus, the sun was out, sky was blue, my windows were down and I smiled I think for the first time all week. (A smile that wasn't forced or done in the presence of company.) The music was happy. As I drove down Irvine Center Drive, I thought about Ryan and my smile went away. I responded to an e-mail that he wrote me last night and said was as open and forthright as I think I can be without opening my brain up for inspection.

I spent some time with Mark tonight. I called Ryan. As we were talking and I was driving home I came to the 22/605 FWY split and instinct told me to drive to his house. I felt myself start to fight the instinct off but if I haven't learned to trust it yet I don't know when that lesson will be learned. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk, talking to him, leaning against a tree, I heard the front door open. I thought for sure it was him coming outside, but I was wrong. It was his sister's boyfriend leaving. Here I was looking suspcious lurking out in front of the house, crying, sniffling and he walks right by me to get to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it was Ryan coming out.

He needs space. I need to give it. And look... school is just four days away.

Oh so random...

I'm just "really" waking up and checking mail and had this thought.... Probably a handful of the people that talk about Randy's Ryan sleeping around themselves are quite the sluts when I think about it. They play the field and have plenty of sex. Jealousy? No, probably not, but I think sometime people fail to look at their own actions or will justify them as a means to an end. I know I do it too.

Attachments so soon

It's the folley & fruitfulness of youth to be driven by passion so early on. That's what I told Sebastian in a conversation I'm having with him online right now regarding Scott in his life. I'm thinking that perhaps not just of youth, but of relationship maturity in general. Experience. Then again, I'm thinking it's the romance winning instead of a person's emotional royal guard. We all die eventually....so enjoy.

Rewetting Drops

1:32am Another Bravo night over. Surprising events to me. It's nice to have my pre-conceived concepts shattered.

I'm about to drift into "la la" sleep...I feel my head getting heavy. I'm on MSN Messenger still trying to decide if I like it or not. Pros and cons to everything. Life.

Jose dropped his phone down the gutter opening in front of our house. I thought it was going to be lost for sure, but we got the manhole cover open and he climbed down to fish it out. I laughed and also felt a sense of, "wow.. that's not something I would normally partake in but I'm glad I did."

Met Brad. Funny thing is he's been to the house before through Art. It's a good thing I make my own decisions on character. I never would have gotten to know Ken otherwise. Perhaps not Eddy now.

Sleep time. Need to solidify some family & friend thoughts soon. What do the friendster.com connections mean to me?

Squeaky hinges

2:42am There was a band/music group called 'Front 242.' Thought of this because of the time.

Can Reese's Pieces soothe the soul and make everything okay again? (I'm sure on a mission to find out.) I keep buying the one pound bags from Sav-on and chowing down on them when I arrive at work. If I live to be 100, I'll attribute it to the candy so that all of the parents of the time will have a hard time arguing with their children about the evils of sugar-foods. Atkins who?

2:58am No music group for this number. It's the week of Fall semester starting. Were Ryan and I just some nice Summer fling that was wonderful while it lasted, but the reality was looming over us the entire time? That would be a nice, movie ending. Doesn't play well in my reality.

Friendster strikes a message from a new person. Brad. Interesting bloke, but 23. Not that I'm looking at the moment--because I'm not. I've decided that there will be no dating for the entire Semester so that I may focus on me and only me. It will give me time to stop being sad about Rye. fuck fuck fuck.. grr

It's not just Ryan. After seeing Grandma Jean last year, I've really had no contact with her or Marthalee. I was hand writing some thoughts down earlier and I came to the conclusion that I don't deal with LOSS very well. I've never really faced it. I think I'll include the thoughts at a later date. They were a lot more thought out than what is on the surface of my mind now. I feel hot all over. It's like the flashes of heat except not flashing, just constant.

I spent much of the weekend with Chuck. I know there's a safety there that I can count on. I always have. We went to Motherload, The Abbey & then Popstarz on Friday night. As much as I could, I had a blast. It was nice to feel attractive, but the eyes were hollow compared to what I wanted.

Matt and I talked about going to a martini bar in Hollywood and getting a manicure. Hahaha. Never had one in my whole life. I think it's supposed to be a bar geared toward women. LINK: http://beautybar.com/HTML/lamain.html

3:37am I saw one of the shooting (falling) stars Saturday night. It was bright. Brilliant. It fell slowly and I thought of what wish I might make.

It brought tears to my eyes.

Strength to be...

Maybe I just simply am not ready yet.

When I told Sebastian & Chuck a week ago that if you don't want anyone to know about something then you can't tell a single person. I was thinking this during the online separation that occurred between Ryan and I. Our talk last night left me empty. Learning one's intent through deceit may satisfy the search for knowledge, but trying to explain this is completely different. Everything I said was true. Everything I felt was correct. But intent equals content...and hurt and anger came through.

I paid for school. Two classes. Tuesday & Thursday. No books. Great.

instinct.
I hate myself sometimes.
it hurts so often

Cages

I said my peace. I'm hurting. I think he is too. I just want honesty. I want communication. I cannot hide away in silence and expect that happiness will rain down magically.

I returned Laney's phone calls from earlier in the week. He wants me to visit him. Apparently he & Shane are definitely done. I cannot entertain the thought of a visit until I know what is going on with Ryan. The gamut of emotions. On the one hand he says he wouldn't deal with this situation if he wer ein my shoes, but also says he wants to be with me. He feels trapped and I've created the situation to feel that way. Dammit.

Grandma Jean's passing on Monday takes another piece of me. I sensed it. It's a deep connection that fades. I understand why people die of broken hearts. They are so intertwined emotionally and spiritually with their mate that the loss cannot be filled. Today is Gradma Jean & Grandma June's birthday. Twins separated are whole again. Though I do not fear death, I do not deal with these losses lightly.

Chuck is a good guy.

I'm hot with emotions. Sniffles. Watery Eyes. If only Nyquil could cure the pain in my heart.

Fantasmic Fantasies

"3:34am We were asleep in the dark and as much as it was what I dreamt about, it was the darkness that I felt creeping in as inevitable as the moment when he would say he had to leave. So I'm crying now. Steady tears from the corners of my eyes, down the bridge of my nose; trickles wiped now and again by the palm of my hand. Oh what pain it is to type this.

He held my hand as we walked down the stairs. I began to cry at that moment. It felt like being gently led out of the closeness to which we had been slowly moving toward over the past two months. I could have protected myself, but that would've meant not being open---not allowing him to see me. (And I wanted him to see everything.) Blink. Blink.

I just wanted to sit and talk with Ryan tonight about where it is that we're going. No, relationships are not perfect roadmaps drawn to scale. I realize this. I also realize that we both start school next week. Time becomes compressed for each of us. Time to spend with each other shifts. I have refrained from the sexual part of our relationship developing to the most intimate levels because I want to be sure that whatever it is we have is something that each of us wants beyond this week or month, but for the future as well. I also cannot allow myself to give and take completely when I know that there is a time limit to how long he can be in my bed. It's like waking to an emptiness after sharing my full heart; removing my amorous armor so that he can touch and take where few have been. I will not explore him that deeply either when I cannot smell his hair in the morning and exchange kisses as the sun rises. And I just wanted to sit and talk about all of this.

But I'm alone in my bed. I'm alone instead."

Data Dating

How do you know when you're ready? (For anything) Some would say that if you have to ask the question, then you're not ready. But there are those among us that will simply ask the question forever and will never know if they're ready unless they try.

I feel myself being freed. But I'm seeing patterns emerge that are remants of the old regime; tride & true structures that tell me I can rely on them because I know the predictable way each will turn out. Blah... what an insult to the cherub spreading his wings again. Vile rules that I will break eventually.

Heavy, heavy eyes. I'm having visions as I close my eyes. One just flashed with my brother, Philip, coming to give me a hug. Earlier, when I was napping, my phone alarm went off and I sat there almost drifting back to sleep but I distinctly saw an image of my self flash saying, "Get up." I so need to sleep. No more not sleeping. I just saw a college dorm room... long couch, talk of using the couch for "therapy" when friends come over to talk. These images are vivid. Too bad I can't tell if they're due to the change in med dosage or to the lack of sleep.

So even though I was disappointed not to see Ryan last night, it was probably for the best. If I had gotten no sleep at all, I would not be able to finish off the last three hours here at work. I REALLY wanted to see him. When I was at Chuck's gathering on Saturday I remembered what makes me great boyfriend material. Even though I see/feel the attraction to other people and may even verbalize and talk about it openly, I'm loyal to the end of time. I thought of this because of the cuteness factor of people there and my buzz. My mind remembered BRONSON in San Francisco when I was in "talks" to get back together with Lanny. I wouldn't kiss him because of that. White tank top. Sweet.

I think...

Pringles are good. Pricks are bad. Strawberries...good. Hairy bears...bad. Friends good. Sad friends... bad.

French Man and Cure

The irony of Ryan's. As I rested against the DJ booth, the music filled my head while I panned the room. My little brothers all drinking or drunk. "The Girl" (Joey's cousin) enjoying the attention. Roommate Art with his diet coke strolling around. Chuck drinking to alter because he's in too much control to do anything else. I was removed from it all. What I find fun has changed. It has changed because I have changed. It has changed because I've grown tired of hiding inside of the crowd.

My appointment went well. I mentioned that I'm not sleeping consistently. She suggested changing the time that I take my medication to when I wake up as opposed to right before I goto bed. If that doesn't work, she'll prescribe some sleeping meds.
I was awake for 28 hours. Slept only 4, and I've been awake since. On my break 30 minutes ago, I slept for 12 minutes. Naps are glorious.

After work yesterday, I had lunch with Ryan. I went to his house. That was nice to be let in. I was in cuddle mode. Tonight at The Boom with everyone, I drifted a lot. I found myself thinking of Ryan. Strange, Bobby & Joey's friend, Ryan, was there too. The moon shimmered on the water like when Ryan and I were watching it last week. Ryan Ryan Ryan Ryan. Can I drown myself in the way I feel and swim at the same time.

Chuck asked me if I thought I would be dead without the meds. It was a question out of nowhere. It was odd. I wondered if it was because he cared or if it was just random.

Ryan asked me the other night while we were watching "GO" if I still used ecstasy. I explained to him that while on the meds I couldn't, even if I wanted to. It was a life changing decision that I made for myself. As quickly as the question was brought up it was dropped.

Philip called me out of the blue a couple days ago. It was nice talking to him. Strange. Good.

Skin so soft. Velvet he said. awe.

Mental Massage

New underwear is fun sometimes. I know I enjoyed mine last night. Here's my rule of thumb.... Got holes? Throw them away. You should always have a variety.... stay away from only one color. Have about 15 pairs of underwear. It's a good number.... allows for two weeks of no laundry and is also half the month. Is the elastic stretched out? Throw them away! Stains? Yeah... I think you get the idea.

I have an appointment today at 3pm to "review" how the Zoloft is working. I'm happy to report no sexual side effects. Haha. I say that but I've not actually tested out the "having" sex yet, but the right and the left hand agree that there's nothing impeding performance. ;-) I still feel like I'm not getting enough consecutive hours of sleep. I feel like I get enough overall/collectively, but I'd much rather sleep through 7-8 hours rather than 3-4 here and then 2 more later. The doc offered sleeping pills last time, but I didn't have that problem then---I could barely stay awake. I think I'll take her up on it today.

I'm going to have lunch with Ryan today. That's definitely something that puts a smile on my face. I briefly mentioned to Chuck online last night that I'm fairly certain much of my apprehension may be irrational fear that I'm carrying around. How very unsettling. Randy called and left me a message yesterday and has begun talking to me online. I'm able to see my lovable side in every expression of affection with Ryan, but I'm still working off the weight of distrust that crushed me with Randy. I'm smart enough to know that these are two separate people. I've always allowed a person the "innocent until proven guilty" assumption. I must remember me. I like him. Falling asleep next to him is a comfort that I miss and enjoy. Ryan touches me and it tickles. I smile or sigh. I rest my head on him. I feel safe. That's what the little voice inside of me reinforces.

There was an article on Yahoo about anti-depressant drugs creating new brain cells. I'm sure more research needs to be done. Doctors studying brain chemistry are like cave men following the stream to the ocean. They watch how it flows, but are clueless as to why or how.

I'm falling asleep at my desk now. I have 25 minutes until lunch. I'll take that time to rest up. Chuck is having a little gathering on Saturday. Ryan will be in Las Vegas all weekend. Randy (Cardwell) is also going to Vegas to visit Nathan. A big part of me would like to go to see Nate as well, but the two of them should have some alone time. The time to myself might do me good as well.

Gotta remember to stretch....

electrodes

I'm too tired to write. But I want to. Here it is.

Neurotica

2:51am Neurosies. Neurosis. Neurotica.

I had a dinner date with Ryan. We ate at Olamendis in Laguna Beach. I liked it. The view from the patio was serene. Our margaritas were nothing to write home about, but strong.

I bought Reeses Pieces on my lunch break yesterday. "Peanut Butter candy in a crunchy shell." Tasty. I remember the big hype over this candy from the movie, E.T. back in 1982. It was such a treat to get candy when we were kids. Now, I rarely go out of my way to buy it. I'm scarfing it down. It's my knee-jerk reaction to not feeling right.

So I began the dialogue, but I started too late and had to go to work. I'm fucked. My read on the eyes is either the answers are unknown to him or the answer is known but doesn't want to express it to me. In either case, it's not where I am. Damn.

15 pages for the month. Hmm.

Freaky Frenzy

2:39am Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!!!!! What the fuck am I thinking? It was very simple. He comes over. We talk. I'm supposed to ask, "What is it that you're looking for in terms of a relationship right now?" So what really happens?

He comes over...I'm asleep. He tells me he missed me and I start kissing him. We goto sleep in my bed and wake up an hour and a half later to the alarm. More kissing. Not one single word of communication; nothing but the lust and physical manifestation of developing feelings--emotional tenderness.

I'm afraid of losing what I don't even know that I have. (And I'm afraid of finding out that I don't have anything anyway.) This is why I truly need to have the conversation after dinner tonight. I refuse to be afraid anymore.

I had a sincere heart-to-heart with roommate Art tonight. I let him know that I was on Zoloft and the events in life that led up to that. He gave me a hug and it felt good to have shared something that deep with him.

Chuck had Eric come over tonight and I couldn't vibe him. I think there was too much going on in my own head. Eric is cute. I can tell that Chuck is looking for a reason other than his own inclinations to pursue something. Neither one of us can really listen to each other's advice. I tell him to stay single and here he is dating. I think more than really looking for true advice, we're good sounding boards for each other so that we can hear the thoughts that we would not normally think about ourselves. We then proceed with whatever it is that we want to do, but we always have a knowledge of "the other side" and aren't truly surprised when our choices backfire on us.

Last night there was a pool party in Mission Viejo that Chuck was invited to so I tagged along with him. I enjoyed myself. Evan and Spencer were cuties, but I purposefully only had two mild drinks so that I could leave by 11:30. My "Ghost Thoughts" entry was somewhat about my disappointment in not seeing Ryan last night. I had the opportunity. I didn't communicate clearly so I'm not upset now. I put a name to the mullets from the party: Chris & Bill. I didn't get to talk to them any more.

Kung Pow: Enter The Fist.

Ghost Thoughts

2:40am I am feeling my body trying to awaken the parts that aren't necessary to drive here, but that would be nice to have functioning when adding a new entry into the journal. I feel like I have a lot to say.

Ryan is sweet, but I'm not sure that he is meant for me long term. A voice whispers, "Then enjoy the time with him in the short term." I would like to listen to that voice. I cloud my head so that I don't have to make a decision. It's an easy thing to delude one's self when you know your own fears and desires. It's also easy to do when I see "potential." That's such a powerful thing to me. It's like seeing into the future and knowing the possible reality of someone's character and knowing that it's so wonderful that the person is worth hanging out with. Here's the problem. I never know how far into the future I'm seeing. I know that it's not my own wants being impressed upon the person---what I sense is real. I wanted to see him after he got off work tonight and was invited to go to House of Blues with him, but I didn't feel like being around a lot of people. Now, I feel like I smell good for nothing. No one.

But my own wants.... I want to feel like part of a couple again. I want the warmth of someone waking me in the morning. I want the sweet kisses in a steamy shower as we wash each others' backs. I want to be able to have someone comfort me when I'm tired of being strong. I want someone capable of tolerating my strength.

I went to a pool party at Curtis & Sebastian's house. I only know them through Chuck. There were a few other "acquaintance" type people there. I wasn't sure that I wanted to go, but the alternative of sitting at home and watching a DVD by myself seemed too much like sulking. I'm glad I went. It was enjoyable. I probably would've let loose a bit more if I didn't have to be at work. I left at 11:30 because I wanted to be home when Ryan was off of work and because the pool party was moving indoors and I could see the alcohol taking its effect on the patrons. I wasn't in that space and knew I couldn't be. The responsible part of me in control; the child subdued for the night.

In watching the other people at the party, I felt a sense of the "party" world that is in my past. I miss it sometimes. I miss that my thoughts were quiet and the thoughts that I did have were clear and concise.

3:25am Chuck and I had a good couple of talks tonight. I wish we could communicate like that more often. (without the alcohol) I know how much he still cares for me and wants me to be happy. That's all I want for any of my friends.

I got my last disposable camera developed and there was a picture on it of Shawn and I kissing from June 6th. It's actually a cute picture, I think. I mailed him a copy that he should have got today (yesterday). That was the last time I actually got to cuddle all night long with someone in my bed. On the back of the picture I told him that night was special for me. (Holding/being held all night long is why I felt that way.)

Lanny has called in the last couple days. I knew that Shane must have been out of town. These men of my past make me emotional.

Dustin Gimble was at the party. That was a random path crossing. He's off to England in 6-8 months. Talks of living in South Africa. The relationship stuff; people who once knew each other in a timeline trying to bridge the gap of a few years.

I dream a lot. Not just unconscious dreaming. I don't talk about them much. I lose myself in dream thoughts sometimes. In my dreams the world is a beautiful place. People are kind. People are civil to each other. I'm at peace. I'm affectionate. I'm not afraid of being hurt by anyone. I'm unrestrained.