Bracing bracelets

"...it's like borrowing energy from somewhere or something and at some point it will be taken back. If not taken back, traded for something else." A thought to myself about the extreme sensations and sensory experiences of being altered.

America is so fucking puritanical when it comes to the outward expression of anything sexual in nature. Janet Jackson's tit flashing during the Super Bowl is nothing to be up in arms about when mothers can walk around with their tits hanging out of their shirts while feeding their children. I'm sure other countries laugh at how childish we are. We're like the children that snicker and laugh in shame when we see something naked. Pish!

I'm starting to feel physically better after spending the last week and a half coughing. A trip to the doctor and antibiotics probably helped.

There's an article in Instinct magazine about those in the gay community that choose abstinence as a way of practicing safe sex. I didn't read the entire article, but the first featured man didn't entirely make me jump and root for a representation of me. I'll have to finish the article, but in Instinct, I can't believe that the article would really be anything more than just a fluff article for its readers.

I think that writing a book has been hard for me because of two main reasons. One, because I don't think of myself as a storyteller and therefore when I see "scenes" or "ideas" for character interaction for a book there is usually little in the idea connecting each scene together. I often don't have a point other than to present what is happening for people to see the situation, feel it, and hopefully make a change to the way they think of something. Secondly, writing brings my emotions to the surface. This has always been a great release in tempered times, but in everyday situations, I find myself overpowered by some of these feelings. (Be them good or bad).

I didn't sleep much yesterday. After work I drove to Riverside to meet up with Bobby. Due to miscommunication, we didn't actually meet up and I ended up taking the scenic route back to Irvine; 91FWY to the 15 South, to Lake Elsinore, HWY 74--a two lane road that winds for about 22 miles through the mountains back to Orange County--dropping off on the back side of Ladera Ranch, twisting through the new housing developments to the 241 toll Road and finally back to Irvine. It was a long trip, but I'm always up for a good drive. I spent the rest of the day with Cardwell and we went to South Coast Plaza... Reminder: I left film at Sav-On that I need to pick up. I laid down at his place to take a short nap and was down for several hours. A quick drive home and down for the count again.

When I woke up I felt cold. I could hear that the heater was on. I grabbed my hoodie/pullover and covered one shoulder, the other still exposed with only the tank top I was wearing. In the shower, the heated water and steam warmed me quickly. So much so that I had to turn the temperature down. After stretching, I sat and let the water beat down on my head and drip forward down my face. With my eyes closed, I ran my hands down my cross legs, then up through my hair, around my neck and felt my back as I hugged myself and thought of that feeling of being loved and thinking that same thought that I started this journal entry with.

I'm not a slow and steady burn over the long haul of life. I never have been. I'm not the candle that burns at both ends and then vanishes never to be seen again. I'm melting away the wax, molding it while it cools, and hoping to see something different as I reshape. Eventually though....there's nothing left to burn and it's unclear to me if all the energy spent shifting will eventually be equaled out when I'm with that someone who flows in the love that swirls within.