The Making of Mycroft

Jewel - "Standing Still"

We express so much in life without ever speaking. Music helps us many times. We latch onto something that someone else managed to find the words to describe a feeling that many of us may have. In this particular song I hear at the moment my mind clings to... "Do you need me, like I need you? Or am I standing still? With the scenery flying by?..." But even when songs don't have words there is a sense that the sound itself evokes imagery within us. I've known for a long time that not everyone has the capability to interpret those sounds, and the evolution of this thought is that I find myself at square one when it comes to etiquette among humans. I can't speak every thought in my head and my standard for others to read non-verbal cues is, as always, the utmost highest standard because I hold myself to it.

Expose - "Your Baby Never Looked Good In Blue"

The player is on random. Funny, one might think that it's honed in on my specific brain wave patterns.

I've spent the morning in cleaning and sleeping meditation. In my sleep I allow my subconscious to flood my head and when I awake I try and work through whatever feeling I have and find some way of being "okay" for today, tomorrow, the next week. The black & white part of me--the logic, says that there is no point being around people who can't return the same level of respect and integrity that you would put out. Granted, there are personality differences among all of us, but there are always groups of common thought that one can choose to be in and I have clearly not made that type of next with my group of friends. ((Because I can't)) It would be boring and ultimately not what I want out of friendship---for us to be clones of ideology and lifestyle.

Elliot Smith - "Between The Bars"
(dead...how sad)

"Drink up baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again, between the bars. When I'm seeing you there, with your arms in the air.... drink up one more time and I'll make you mine..." The song is so full of pain and sung beautifully. I originally heard it in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I had the soundtrack before I gifted that all away years ago.

Lustral - "Everytime"

The version of this song that I have I just recently heard on a CD that Cardwell had in his car. We were out somewhere last week and the song came on and it took me back to sitting in my Randy's old big blue chair with him. We would listen to the song and watch the screen colors to Jet or Acid. "Can you hear me talking in my mind? I can feel you, you're with me all the time. There's a warm sky, covering the night. In the darkness, I only feel the light. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face. Everytime I close my eyes. I see your face...." I see many faces, and listening to the song usually ends in wiping the tears from my own. This is a perfect example of a song evoking something in me that simply talking cannot do. I hold so much back anyway. Where did I hear before that you don't choose your friends, your friends choose you. What the fuck is that? Of course you choose your friends. True, they choose you back.

The Streets - "Too Much Brandy"

"In its own little way my body was trying to say that you better stop drinking brandy." hahahahahaha... I think my body has been telling me to lay off the alcohol lately. Had no such fun drinking on Friday, Saturday, Sunday or last night. Each night I made a conscious choice to stop imbibing and either sat or withdrew from everyone else. I even took one of the extra huge bottles of Sky over to Mark's place and left it there on purpose. Yes, it's a truth serum and one that may make no difference any longer with the company I keep.

Boccacio Traxx - "Let You Free" (instrumental)

We don't choose our emotions, we only control them. If a stranger nudges us on the shoulder while walking by we don't pull out a weapon and assault them even if we feel a surge of anger or discomfort inside. One person feels angry from being hit while another sluffs it off and continues walking not even thinking that the touch meant anything. In both cases there was something in the person that sparked. Most of us keep walking... but if we get nudged 3, 4, 5 more times on our walk. The 5th nudge might be different than the 1st. Or maybe it wouldn't. If I could simply intellectualize human interaction I wouldn't let people--friends--get to me so much.

In talking to Nathan this morning I spilled my head and he said that I had a good grasp of all sides of the issue. Haha.. yep, that sums up my conflicts most of the time. It's not enough for me to know my side of how I feel... but I figure out what the other side of the argument or situation is and I present support for that position as well. I'm great in debate because all I need to know is the issue and then I can choose a side. So why am I not fighting for my side?

Jobriath - "I'm A Man"
***************
***************
"You come...and everything is okay again."
-that feeling after sex, j/o, relief/endorphin release.


"Sometimes a good kick in the ass helps. Sometimes... it's just a thud on something numb already."
-IM conversation with Rey
****************
****************