Irresponsible

5:32am.... music blaring at Cardwell's. A night out to Hamburger Mary's with Randy, Eddy, Michael & JD. Our bartender, Patrick, the Irish boy, 24, with tatoos. I pass out at some point.

Awaken in Randy's living room. The couch is always comfortable. My music is playing and I'm sober. I feel brotherly/protective of Edwyn. He sleeps slumped over on the opposite couch. I make him put his feet up and cover him in a blanket. Head on pillow. Sleep. I won't sleep with him because I don't want to be a statistic and I don't want to add to the cyclone of men that take and use and never really stay. It's something that damages in the long run---to him, and to those that would pass by. But I have side effects. It's true. I talked to Randy about them; the first time I've talked out loud to anyone about this. I have dreams that are so vivid involving him and I know it's because of my conscious choices. As I lower my head and shake it I have so many memories of my love for my Randy and sometimes the deep breaths are enough to pass the moment. Randy and I talk of living trusts, of our lives, of accepting when we've had too much to drink and to believe each other. We share a love for this music. We know how it moves us.


Still no call back to Nathan. Soon... I'm am not fully healed yet, but soon.

About one more month and my three year vesting term with Verizon Wireless will be complete. I've decided inside that it's time for a Monday through Friday, weekends off gig again.

I'm looking forward to this weekend with the boys at Avalon.