Banking on investments

3:04a.m. We took a drive to the South Lake. I had never walked around it. The parking lot there gets chained off; not like the other lake. Silence paired with crickets, our feet on the wooden bridge was a uniquely familiar sound to me. It takes a while for one's eyes to adjust in the low yellow-orange lighting. All the time I'm thinking thinking and thinking some more. Why can't I quiet my thoughts?

Nathan sent me a text message shortly before Ryan and I left on our outdoor walk. It started, "JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO SMILE..." The reminder was somewhere in my head. I don't think I literally did smile, but I remembered how Ryan makes me feel. I remembered that he makes me smile and no one has really done that for me in a long time. It feels like I did before Randy cut into me. So in remembering this smiling feeling, we held each other on the bridge--heads resting on shoulders. I began to freely associate. I let him know that after two years of spending my life with someone and learning that there were secrets and deceptions it made it difficult to let everyone else start on a fresh slate. I let him know that when I know what I want I like to go after it or put my all into it. I'm impatient. I didn't want him to feel like I have a timetable on us. I need to learn to enjoy what I have when I have it.

3:20a.m. I've been able to get single streams of tears to form in the last day or so. I'm also waking up several times during sleep to go to the bathroom which I never have to do. I think I'm somewhere in between where the Prozac is waning and the Zoloft is building up. I'm dreaming so much. I know because I can remember bits when I get up to go to the bathroom.