Fireworking Myself

6:12am The month changed and I took a rest from writing. Or maybe I haven't had a lot to say... okay we know that's not true. Now that I think about it, I probably don't write when I have more on my mind. So... what's been on my mind?

Balance. I like all the time I've been spending with Ryan, but I don't want to be in a "just-add-water" situation. That's really hard for me, especially with someone who is showing himself to be such a great person. I went out last night to WeHo with Art, Arturo, Aries & Chuck. The company was fun--they always are, but the environment was cramped and I found myself thinking of Ryan and how much more content I would've been near his touch and voice. There was one moment on the dance floor with Aries & Chuck where I was very happy and in my old space of dancing contentment. The moment inhaled & exhaled and became part of the hot air on the floor.

School & work factor into this balance equation. Family time is also present in thoughts. I spent Wednesday afternoon with mom & Sarah. After lunch Sarah and I went to South Coast Plaza and spent quality time at Sephora. Haha... I love her so much. At one point we were walking on the catwalk toward the old Crystal Cove area and I called Ryan back on the phone. I was holding my Sephora bag and unconsciously I began twirling the bag while talking to him. She soon began to laugh and imitate me and that's when I realized what I was doing. I felt like a silly school girl/boy at that point. On the drive to WeHo last night Art said he knew that I was talking to Ryan because of the tone of my voice when I began speaking. I like that other people notice the changes in me.

I've been at work for 25 minutes now and not a single call. I definitely think E-Time will be available.

My doctor appointment yesterday went as I had hoped it would. She basically had the same list of alternatives to Prozac that I had researched on my own. In a way it's like a check list that we're going through and experimenting with my head to find out which drug my body will tolerate best while offering the least amount of side effects. With Paxil & Prozac written off now, we've changed the neurotransmitter cocktail from strictly serotonin to serotonin & norepinephrine with the drug, Effexor.

8:03am In my head I have a time frame of "until the end of the year" to have my body adapt (or not adapt) to whatever drug and see if the effects are going to allow me to be ME---the me that I have in my head and remember being---or the person that I've become by building walls and defenses over time. What a waste of some good years. A conversation just popped into my head that I had once with Steve Harrison. I think it was in the context of how he & John met. John was his professor in college and Steve was 21. He made the comment that John was an angry man at that time. It was hard for me to believe that because John--in my eyes--had always been calm and demure. It's the sum of our lives to the day we're at and the ways in which we have learned to live that determine the length of time to a goal of happiness.

"You've Got Me Falling In Love" by G Park.

"It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act."
-Dali Lama

Friendships are in my head a lot. The growing distance between Mark and I. The almost non-existent contact with Cardwell. The infinite bond that sustains with Nathan while still feeling removed from the daily affairs. The effort & reward of making new friends like Sebastian and Art. In my mind, friendships for gay men are as important--if not more so--than LTR's that we may or may not find ourselves in. The reality is that since we have no institution to formalize LTR's so few of the SoCal population finds itself in them. I grant that SoCal is a racy scene anyway. But nothing cements men together sometimes more than the sex they're enjoying and so few really can examine and understand emotional needs. They just interpret something that is emotional into something physical....it's like a druggie just going for the next fix rather than finding a supply of something natural that would suffice.

Hmm...now I'm thinking that I'm making some type of value judgment on the types of relationships that people have. That's hard not to do when I know what I want for myself, but when I also understand that what works for me is not necessarily what will work for someone else. For example....I want monogamy, but I also acknowledge that this is not a natural state of human being. We are driven to procreate, to nurture the good feelings of sex, to keep the ID happy, to focus on something other one's self. I'm genuinely intrigued by "alternative" relationship dynamics, but I think the only way that they truly work is with crystal clear understanding and agreement between each involved individual and attainment of such a perfect model is rare. How many people truly know themselves let alone with those around them? I know my limitations at this point in my life----and I say limitations only in the respect of trying to put myself in one of these alternative situations. I don't consider that I'm limited necessarily by my choice for wanting to foster monogamy.

I think I truly like the idea of the Native American belief of two spirits combined with the idea--from Chinese or Ancient Mesopotamia society--that a spirit is only half of itself in us. hahaha..... I think to myself that some readers are more adept in understand these words I write and others are skimming.