Fungus

3:24am The fingernail on my left index finger chipped a little a couple days ago. The chip started to snag on different fabrics--clothing, blankets, towels--and the nail bent back. I ripped the damaged part off. Now when there's an itch on my face, instinctively my finger goes to scratch, but I'm REALLY scratching because of the jagged nail that is left. This is the metaphor that I see with my best friend right now. He makes decisions to try and alleviate an itch in his life, but the scratching only aggravates the situation. One cannot heal when the medicine is the poison. I cried. The reasons for doing so were not pleasant, but the release was something I have not been able to do in many months. It was a tremendously needed experience.

Arturo and I met at the West Covina AMC to watch TOMB RAIDER: Cradle of Life. West Covina's culture is different from Irvine. I sometimes forget that there are a lot more white people in Orange County than in many other places. Sure, even OC has pockets of ethnic majorities. The movie wasn't anything special. It entertained us just as the girls in Subway did when listening to their conversation about the type of guys they wanted to date. I had not seen Arturo since being in Las Vegas and I liked sharing my popcorn with him. When I look at my loves, I remember how I wanted so much to have something work with Arturo between 19-21. When I began to understand who I was, I realized that our personalities would never facilitate living together or building a life together. The friendship has been treasured ever since I realized that.

The other day, at lunch with Matt & Ryan, I indirectly implied that Ryan's hands were not attractive. It's not what I meant, but I was eating and sticking my foot in my mouth---something was bound to come out wrong.

Man-Boy. Boyman. I notice friends my age and a couple years older transitioning into this "manhood" thing. I see (and feel) the "lost-ness." For some people, choosing a career and running with it was never a question. For others, it was something they fell into and now stay in it for the stability and the lives they've created for themselves. Then the tail end of us still haven't committed to anything as a career and don't see anything that would satisfy us. I don't.