What about some Candy?

3:08am I've identified a lack of creativity surrounding me. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need to take in more plays. Hear poetry at a coffeehouse that is not commercial and absolutely Bohemian. I need to eat fruit too. (Somehow that last thing seemed related.)

Mark & I went to The Abbey this last Tuesday and enjoyed Banana-raspberry martinis. He told me that when I apologize for something, even when I'm earnest & sincere, that I often will follow-up with explanation which deflates my apology. I took pause. A simple, "I'm sorry." is all people want to hear sometimes.

4:30am On Monday I got taken off of the Effexor and started on Zoloft. I'm not tired anymore which is wonderful. My last few entries were reflective of my mood. Well...all entries would be reflective of that I suppose. Grrr. I know what I mean. When I wake up in the mornings (my graveyard hour mornings) I will lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling. There may be music playing. There may not. I have a sense about myself where I take a snapshot of what's going on in my head. Where am I focusing? Am I smiling? Laughing? Do I want to cry? I was doing "okay" on the Prozac, but starting to get sleepy and the constant sexual side-effects. Mood seemed mellow, consistent. I could not cry....even when I tried and that was unsettling. Effexor drained me. Couldn't stay awake even after getting a full night's sleep. Only being on it a week, I really don't know what would have happened over the long term. I'm impatient. Perhaps it would have subsided, but when it had me falling asleep at work I couldn't wait to find out. Now going on week two for the Prozac to half-life out of my system, the Zoloft begins to take effect. The time frame for the Prozac to be completely out and the Zoloft to be in effect will roughly coincide---seeing as everyone's system will be different. (For me, probably in another 2-3 weeks.)

In the last few days I've met Ryan's friend, Laurie. Very pleasant. After Pei Wei lunch today we all trekked through the Tall Mouse arts & crafts store. So many ideas soar walking up and down the aisles. As is natural, it's difficult being a third when she & Ryan have an obvious developed bond that both time and experience usurps me. What I see is that he feels comfortable inviting me to be around her and that feels warm.

I went to Sav-On and got supplies to do some storyboard mock-ups for my novel. I want to actually map out the entire story in the most basic terms. That's something that I've never done while writing. My creative writing has consisted mostly of sitting down and letting either pen or computer record whatever random thoughts spew out. I don't plan a lot of what it is that I want to say. Here is no different.

I was having an online conversation with Ken and confirmed for him that he's basically in that EarthJeremy holding orbit. I swear human relationships are so simple and complex at the same time. On the one hand I see people as my instinct does. This view is not complicated by desires or emotions. I see the connectedness of each person through streams of energy that is the sum of what makes us up. On the other hand, I see fingers. Details. Personalities. I know that there are sayings like oil & water don't mix and that people's hearts and minds can be bruised. An evolved state of mind and being is really just an idea for people of this era. As much as I would like to believe my head is somewhere in the future, I know that I still have all the same human strengths & flaws that flounder & flourish in this time. So yeah... Hi Ken. I know you read from time to time so thanks for being a semi-inspiration for this paragraph.

5:45am So what don't I put in here? So much. I don't talk about specifics as they relate to any given situation...like sex. As I'm scanning my brain to type about things I realize that maybe I don't bring them up because I don't want to talk about them. Novel concept. Or perhaps I don't bring them up because they aren't "socially acceptable." This is spawning some thoughts now so maybe in a few days, weeks or years they'll make them to these pages.