Brain Thunder

3:30am Brain Thunder:

I pick a "vocal trance" station to listen to on DigitallyImported.com and hear no voices, just trance music. So what's the point of having a separate station where I'm thinking I'm going to get vocal satisfaction when all I get is a variation of what I was listening to on another station. So I shift back to the regular "trance" channel and I've been much more satisfied ever since. Cause...Effect. I set an expectation of one thing and am satisfied to know that I'm getting what I set myself up for. How does this equate vis-a-vis interacting with people? People have often disappointed me because of an expectation that I've had in my own head that may have been completely unrealistic. More properly, just dumb because they might have behaved, acted or chosen differently had I communicated what was in my head rather than just wait. In a way I could set someone up for failure within me and then write the experience off. That's not good. People do it. I'm not the only one. Brain brain brain... and the clock shows "3:33"... which was the time when I knew that cartoons came on by looking at mom's clock when I was a child. I lived in Seattle then and I would rush to the TV to see characters on a screen. It was so important. It was the only thing that mattered. Now the minutes move on and what seems important is that intimacy and closeness that I want back in my life so much. Red Bull starting to course through my veins...deep breath as I reflect on the last 3 1/2 weeks getting to know Ryan.