Saturday, March 15, 2003

White gray builds smokey darkness

3:42pm
Lanny is on a plane right now. He arrives at LAX sometime after 6pm. Life doesn't stop. It's a road that twists, turns, is long and straight and boring for long periods of time; it turns to dirt, you get stuck in the mud, sometimes you have to put chains on your tires to make it through the snow. I'm very excited to see him. I think the circumstances around him being here set a scene that is complex. His emotions for Shane. My moving on from Randy. The muddle of our past together. I see this as being similar to the first weekend with Josh, however, this would be more difficult because it would open doors in my heart that have been locked.

So there's always friendship. Keep it simple and clear. I think that's the grown up in my head shining through this rainy day. It's a beautiful dense, gray sky crying down to fertilize us. I fell asleep in my car last night. I drank too much and couldn't drive. I don't remember falling asleep, only locking my doors. I was crying on the phone with Lanny. I think I told him I was afraid of seeing him after all this time. My eyes just had a sensation circulating all around the outside thinking about telling him that. I'm warm. (Not heat flashes, just warm.)

Hmmm... no one else would know about my heat flashes except Randy. That line above really wouldn't make sense to anyone else but he and I. Glossy eyed now.