When I want you...

9:32pm
Last night I drove to Mark's place in Long Beach after work so that we could watch "The Ring." It was very good and I'm sorry I missed out seeing it in the theater. I caught him up with my weekend and he reiterated to me that this is the perfect time (again) for me to quit working and go back to school full-time. Take out student loans and just "do it." I've been looking online at the loan process. I don't know that I want a B.A. that bad or soon to live the life of a starving student at 28. It's definitely something that is occupying space in the brain; one of those background programs constantly running.

Lanny in my head. Another background program that jets to the front and I have to consciously push back or my mind won't work.

War. yeah yeah whatever.

LSAT mock test this Saturday.

I spoke to Bryan online earlier and he and Aaron will be in San Diego this Saturday while I'm down there. Wes mentioned he might be in Orange County but that I could stay at his place. It's strange...the moment Lanny comes back and we start to seriously talk again it's like any other sexual escapades and/or relationship potentials are closed in my mind. I know what it is. It's that part of him and that part of me that always believed we would spend our lives together with one person. It's the dream that still lives inside of us. It's what makes him confused and cling to Shane. I'm not saying that there aren't real feelings there, because I think there are. I know he loves Shane. I know that I'm a memory of love and that I'm actually in the shadow of something greater and more immediate that I can't compete with here in California. Still... I dream.

I saw Ryan Harris at The Boom on Saturday. I don't think he thought I recognized him, but I did. (I was just very blurred due to shots) I was also in a daze being with Lanny. I'm serious. It's like the whole romantic world outside of him is just a forest of people that are there as scenery. Beautiful scenery, but nothing more.

A poem that Holly wrote years ago had a line that says, "The blue moon gazed inscrutably down that night." (I think that's the line) The moon has been tremendously huge the past few days. It seems to be so close that you can reach out and touch it while hanging in the air; So close that the textures of the different landscapes are clearly visible. Like he's so close that I still feel him when I close my eyes.