Finger Cuts

I had a great night with Nathan in San Diego last night. We sat in the rental car for a good hour talking about Robert & Lanny and life. I wish I could have that in my life all the time. Haha... I just made myself start crying thinking about that. Haha. I just got out of the shower and am all clean, naked, sitting in my chair typing this. I'm getting hot from crying. I don't know what to do tonight. I don't want to watch the oscars. Everyone else seems to be already.

Lanny and I talked on the phone for over an hour yesterday. I was sitting in Balboa Park when he called. Airplanes flying over head. I drank again last night. Consumed by thoughts of him. I danced. Play that music louder. Harder. I felt it inside of my head and moved to each sound. I walked back to the hotel and got my phone. Tried to call him but his phone picked up and then hung up. Sleeping, I guessed. So I sent this text message: "You need to decide who you want. Then let me know. Yes I've been drinking, but I know this is true. Love Jeremy" I've not heard from him. So I take my own advice to him and I'm not pushing. But my head is so full now.

While I was taking the LSAT the song below was in my head. A few times I almost found myself humming it out loud.

My Immortal
by Evanescence

I'm so tired of being here
Suppresed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.


CHORUS
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
You still have
All of me


You used to captivate me
With your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All of the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase.

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone
All alone