Chest Cramps

2:57am If I were to wish upon a shooting star tonight, I would wish for naivete again. A couple days ago there was a conversation going on about which Golden Girl we were most like and I saw myself as a mix between Sophia & Rose. I'm definitely more of a Sophia---sarcasm, but it's the trusting nature of Rose that I think of when making my wish upon a star.

The day was spent at the beach with roommate Art and Sebastian. I slept for most of it and deepened my browning. I don't recall dreaming.

Arturo said an interesting thing to me today. It sticks in my head because it's rare that he volunteers information about my dating life. He feels I'm putting Ryan before myself. His evidence is that in trying to be patient I am not being myself. I laughed in response, but I can see what he is observing. He sees what I see as well. But he's not me feeling what it is that I want for myself. Who knows... it may turn out that patience is not something that was built into me and I shouldn't try and alter the nature that is me. It may turn out that I do find some way of being more patient. I think that the answer lies somewhere within anger, urgency & expression.

When I was a child I learned how to bottle my emotions. When I went out into the world the bottle was uncorked and what burst out was a lifetime of anger. The other emotions settled at the bottom of the bottle and were either too heavy to deal with or weighted under the anger. Time matured me somewhat and I became a good adult who doesn't express anger or love or hate in outward and aggressive ways, but in subtle passive ways instead.

Yawn. But I'm not sleepy. Just bored. I think I'll work on my story now.
Yesterday I e-mailed someone about volunteering with a troubled teen mentoring program. Hopefully when they get in the office Monday morning they'll respond with more information.

Fungus

3:24am The fingernail on my left index finger chipped a little a couple days ago. The chip started to snag on different fabrics--clothing, blankets, towels--and the nail bent back. I ripped the damaged part off. Now when there's an itch on my face, instinctively my finger goes to scratch, but I'm REALLY scratching because of the jagged nail that is left. This is the metaphor that I see with my best friend right now. He makes decisions to try and alleviate an itch in his life, but the scratching only aggravates the situation. One cannot heal when the medicine is the poison. I cried. The reasons for doing so were not pleasant, but the release was something I have not been able to do in many months. It was a tremendously needed experience.

Arturo and I met at the West Covina AMC to watch TOMB RAIDER: Cradle of Life. West Covina's culture is different from Irvine. I sometimes forget that there are a lot more white people in Orange County than in many other places. Sure, even OC has pockets of ethnic majorities. The movie wasn't anything special. It entertained us just as the girls in Subway did when listening to their conversation about the type of guys they wanted to date. I had not seen Arturo since being in Las Vegas and I liked sharing my popcorn with him. When I look at my loves, I remember how I wanted so much to have something work with Arturo between 19-21. When I began to understand who I was, I realized that our personalities would never facilitate living together or building a life together. The friendship has been treasured ever since I realized that.

The other day, at lunch with Matt & Ryan, I indirectly implied that Ryan's hands were not attractive. It's not what I meant, but I was eating and sticking my foot in my mouth---something was bound to come out wrong.

Man-Boy. Boyman. I notice friends my age and a couple years older transitioning into this "manhood" thing. I see (and feel) the "lost-ness." For some people, choosing a career and running with it was never a question. For others, it was something they fell into and now stay in it for the stability and the lives they've created for themselves. Then the tail end of us still haven't committed to anything as a career and don't see anything that would satisfy us. I don't.

3am Eternal

3:00am All relationships have but two ultimate finalities. You are either acquainted with someone for the rest of your life or you have no relationship at all. In a flow chart it's as simple as decision box that has a "yes" and a "no" line extending off of it.

Ryan asked me how how I was dealing with getting over Randy (In so many words). The question was prompted by an IM from Ken. After six months of being single, I explained to him that more than anything I miss having a companion to share the little daily things of life with.

I have an appointment at 3pm with Linda. I've been feeling so emotional this week. I want to talk to her about Ryan, my inability to focus on projects--or to care. How I'm sleeping and wanting to just do that. I'm happy around people. I am not moving around as much as I should. I think...If I can type about it, I can do it.

For My Memory

I never did tell the adventure of how I almost had both my eyes shot out. It happened Tuesday night going on Wednesday morning. The shock made me laugh. The tale would be unbelievable had I not had someone else there to witness it.

Nathan is on my mind. I went through my filing cabinet earlier today and found a copy of letter that I wrote him in May of 2001. Here it is two years later and though some of the issues are cleaned, I see a circle that he's still in.

And what of my own circles? What indeed.

Learning to sail on a raft

9:25pm The sound of my heart pounding; racing through the thoughts in my blood. The blood brain barrier.....halting complete thoughts from being seen all the way through.

With an ounce of doubt, I will change that water into wine. Then a simple sound and a touching kiss drives confidence the front of the line.

Ten years is a long time.

Tasting tears

2:09am It's the censored parts of my brain that scare me. The darker thoughts that I don't share online; That which is experimental or maybe just fantasy; That which appeals to others but not to me; That which is powerful and purposeless. In refusing to be scared I often refuse to see so trite platitudes take the place of ancient wisdom.

Ryan continues to build roads into me and I like that. For a moment I close my eyes and I start to drift into dream mode. I sway. I remember that I am typing. So tired.

If I'm so lucky, why do I feel like crying? I think it's because I have to believe in the system that says you trust someone until they give you reason not to rather than not trust anyone until they have proven themself.

"Almost Happy" by K's Choice.

Empty Bed

8:31am

Conversations that I miss
A feeling not like before
The wind blows Bygones and best wishes
Bringing home a bag with too much food

keeping tabs on time today
So I won't forget to move
it's not easy when you're tired
It's too hard when I'm asleep.

Tossing in the shambled sheets.

Mind Pirates

5:44am I try to push it from my mind but it still bothers me. Here's why I think it does.... Because it is my instinct that has pin-pointed a feeling in the past and only later experience bares out the accuracy of that feeling.

Then there's the side of me that believes in the honesty of people; the willingness to do right and be good. This is the side of me that believes that people can & do change.

I do not like this feeling of fighting myself.

I zoned out for a moment and had this played out thought of a conversation that I might have with a therapist... I'm suspicious because of what I've gone through in my last relationship. I want to believe that everything is okay because I know that each person is different and should start with a clean slate. This might mean I'm not ready to be dating again. Maybe not yet. (But I want to. And if I want to then part of me is ready.)

I think also... What happened to me the last time I ignored instinct? I hurt myself--or allowed someone else to hurt me.

So there's the pisser.

Before & After

2:58am I asked Chuck a question online if he had noticed any change in me the last couple months. He wasn't able to give me a response that specific with details for "yes" or "no." I wanted to call or talk to someone else about it, but I realized that there aren't a lot of people that have been around me on a regular basis to notice. My roommate, Art, might have some input. The problem is that he really didn't know me before the meds so I'm left with a handful of people and very few of them do I see regularly anymore. =(

Global THERMAL nuclear war

5:14am "That look in your face." I said that to Ryan. More specifically it's the eyes and a tone of voice that combine to form the look in the face. He makes me hot...hahaha. I really think it's because he puts off a lot of heat himself, but maybe it's the meds for me as well. Serotonin is believed to be involved in the body's temperature I know I've always sweat a lot, but the slightest flutter in me and I can feel the perspiration start on my forehead.

Yes... the hot flashes of menopause have begun.

Banking on investments

3:04a.m. We took a drive to the South Lake. I had never walked around it. The parking lot there gets chained off; not like the other lake. Silence paired with crickets, our feet on the wooden bridge was a uniquely familiar sound to me. It takes a while for one's eyes to adjust in the low yellow-orange lighting. All the time I'm thinking thinking and thinking some more. Why can't I quiet my thoughts?

Nathan sent me a text message shortly before Ryan and I left on our outdoor walk. It started, "JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU TO SMILE..." The reminder was somewhere in my head. I don't think I literally did smile, but I remembered how Ryan makes me feel. I remembered that he makes me smile and no one has really done that for me in a long time. It feels like I did before Randy cut into me. So in remembering this smiling feeling, we held each other on the bridge--heads resting on shoulders. I began to freely associate. I let him know that after two years of spending my life with someone and learning that there were secrets and deceptions it made it difficult to let everyone else start on a fresh slate. I let him know that when I know what I want I like to go after it or put my all into it. I'm impatient. I didn't want him to feel like I have a timetable on us. I need to learn to enjoy what I have when I have it.

3:20a.m. I've been able to get single streams of tears to form in the last day or so. I'm also waking up several times during sleep to go to the bathroom which I never have to do. I think I'm somewhere in between where the Prozac is waning and the Zoloft is building up. I'm dreaming so much. I know because I can remember bits when I get up to go to the bathroom.

Shoelaces of the centipede

3:04am How was the West won? Not by honor, that's for sure. It was a pillage of land and a greed that grew to have more than the next and buy a freedom that ultimately enslaves. And now the "West" is part of a fairytale. We're children to the East Coast. America is a child to Europe. Europe children to Asia & the Pacific Islands.

I'm a child to myself, but when I see the way the people interact with one another I see them as children. I see lies. I see shields to protect from ridicule. I see the fear of mortality that causes one to feel compelled to be connected to more than one intimacy. It's their biology...spread or die. If I know I'm already connected to everyone else, then looking to the next physical attraction doesn't hold any draw. I suppose even one connection might not be necessary. But here is where my child is readily apparent.

Sabotage? No. I'm just recognizing patterns and behaviors before they're too far along in my life.

What about some Candy?

3:08am I've identified a lack of creativity surrounding me. What do I mean by that? I mean that I need to take in more plays. Hear poetry at a coffeehouse that is not commercial and absolutely Bohemian. I need to eat fruit too. (Somehow that last thing seemed related.)

Mark & I went to The Abbey this last Tuesday and enjoyed Banana-raspberry martinis. He told me that when I apologize for something, even when I'm earnest & sincere, that I often will follow-up with explanation which deflates my apology. I took pause. A simple, "I'm sorry." is all people want to hear sometimes.

4:30am On Monday I got taken off of the Effexor and started on Zoloft. I'm not tired anymore which is wonderful. My last few entries were reflective of my mood. Well...all entries would be reflective of that I suppose. Grrr. I know what I mean. When I wake up in the mornings (my graveyard hour mornings) I will lay in bed and stare up at the ceiling. There may be music playing. There may not. I have a sense about myself where I take a snapshot of what's going on in my head. Where am I focusing? Am I smiling? Laughing? Do I want to cry? I was doing "okay" on the Prozac, but starting to get sleepy and the constant sexual side-effects. Mood seemed mellow, consistent. I could not cry....even when I tried and that was unsettling. Effexor drained me. Couldn't stay awake even after getting a full night's sleep. Only being on it a week, I really don't know what would have happened over the long term. I'm impatient. Perhaps it would have subsided, but when it had me falling asleep at work I couldn't wait to find out. Now going on week two for the Prozac to half-life out of my system, the Zoloft begins to take effect. The time frame for the Prozac to be completely out and the Zoloft to be in effect will roughly coincide---seeing as everyone's system will be different. (For me, probably in another 2-3 weeks.)

In the last few days I've met Ryan's friend, Laurie. Very pleasant. After Pei Wei lunch today we all trekked through the Tall Mouse arts & crafts store. So many ideas soar walking up and down the aisles. As is natural, it's difficult being a third when she & Ryan have an obvious developed bond that both time and experience usurps me. What I see is that he feels comfortable inviting me to be around her and that feels warm.

I went to Sav-On and got supplies to do some storyboard mock-ups for my novel. I want to actually map out the entire story in the most basic terms. That's something that I've never done while writing. My creative writing has consisted mostly of sitting down and letting either pen or computer record whatever random thoughts spew out. I don't plan a lot of what it is that I want to say. Here is no different.

I was having an online conversation with Ken and confirmed for him that he's basically in that EarthJeremy holding orbit. I swear human relationships are so simple and complex at the same time. On the one hand I see people as my instinct does. This view is not complicated by desires or emotions. I see the connectedness of each person through streams of energy that is the sum of what makes us up. On the other hand, I see fingers. Details. Personalities. I know that there are sayings like oil & water don't mix and that people's hearts and minds can be bruised. An evolved state of mind and being is really just an idea for people of this era. As much as I would like to believe my head is somewhere in the future, I know that I still have all the same human strengths & flaws that flounder & flourish in this time. So yeah... Hi Ken. I know you read from time to time so thanks for being a semi-inspiration for this paragraph.

5:45am So what don't I put in here? So much. I don't talk about specifics as they relate to any given situation...like sex. As I'm scanning my brain to type about things I realize that maybe I don't bring them up because I don't want to talk about them. Novel concept. Or perhaps I don't bring them up because they aren't "socially acceptable." This is spawning some thoughts now so maybe in a few days, weeks or years they'll make them to these pages.

Slipping

7:11am I feel collapse setting in. A turn of sorts. After all of my experience watching how drugs alter people, I'm still amazed at the changes that take place in me on these prescription "miracles." Within the last week I've noticed a huge change and negativity come over me again. Feelings of dispair. I've felt "clingy" and "needy." I've withdrawn into my room a lot.

Lustral - "Broken" (Lustral Mix) [There is also the Way Out West Remix that isn't bad.]

Brain Thunder

3:30am Brain Thunder:

I pick a "vocal trance" station to listen to on DigitallyImported.com and hear no voices, just trance music. So what's the point of having a separate station where I'm thinking I'm going to get vocal satisfaction when all I get is a variation of what I was listening to on another station. So I shift back to the regular "trance" channel and I've been much more satisfied ever since. Cause...Effect. I set an expectation of one thing and am satisfied to know that I'm getting what I set myself up for. How does this equate vis-a-vis interacting with people? People have often disappointed me because of an expectation that I've had in my own head that may have been completely unrealistic. More properly, just dumb because they might have behaved, acted or chosen differently had I communicated what was in my head rather than just wait. In a way I could set someone up for failure within me and then write the experience off. That's not good. People do it. I'm not the only one. Brain brain brain... and the clock shows "3:33"... which was the time when I knew that cartoons came on by looking at mom's clock when I was a child. I lived in Seattle then and I would rush to the TV to see characters on a screen. It was so important. It was the only thing that mattered. Now the minutes move on and what seems important is that intimacy and closeness that I want back in my life so much. Red Bull starting to course through my veins...deep breath as I reflect on the last 3 1/2 weeks getting to know Ryan.

Sluggish Thoughts

6:10am Today Aries embarks on his journey up North to San Francisco. Arturo & Chuck will be joining for the road trip up and the weekend together. I wish them friendship-bonding, soul-healing & enlightenment. There's a magic to being couped up in a car with friends. Moods can be charted by hunger levels and sleep patterns. Smiles and silence.

7:10am Jake got his offer from Columbia University and will be moving to New York at the end of Summer. Good for him.

Postponing Love

9:10pm It overshadowed the rest of the trip. No one knew exactly what to say, but everyone was watchful. Not doting, but ready to swoop in and be a rock of support because such moments require friends to be astutely sensitive; aware of the slightest hint of need and fill the space quickly with comfort. Experiencing the death of someone close to you for the first time is a stunning pain that reaches inside and turns you inside out. I love Arturo deeply. Once as my first boyfriend, but ultimately as one of my closest friends. The senseless loss of Jason will never be "right" for those that live on, but he can finally be at peace and with his mother at last.

There are earthly bonds that cannot compete with the connections that we keep with the dead. We should never think of someone as deficient who chooses their peace with one or the other.

Brain Bonding

9:38am I feel sexy. I have for the past couple of days. It heightened last night at the party. I'm sure that's because I was more aware of the eyes staring. I think it has something to do with what I'm wearing right now too. The comfy jeans purchased in Las Vegas in January while shopping at The Gap with Nathan. Got my Joe Boxer black briefs on, and a plain white t-shirt/under shirt. The pants I bought big so that they'd be baggy, but I've since lost weight and so they don't stay on very well. Flash. Haha.

Tina sent me a text message this morning to see if I got to work okay. I'm wondering what happened to Chuck. I know he'll be fine. I'm sure Eric took care of him. Wow....I remember the most random names. So I just called him and yeah...he's good.

10:14am Ryan Harris was at the party last night. I think I said to my to my Rye. Hehe...Possessive terminology. I've never done that before today. It's just a reference. Anyway, as I'm sensitive to not speaking too much of other people's lives here in public I think I may have shared too much while talking last night. All goes back to my idea that open lives leave little to no room for miscommunication, lies, deception. My utopia.

Fireworks were okay. I think my mind wants brilliant displays like at the end of Meet Joe Black or in the show at EPCOT.

You have to lose the illusion to love the reality.

Fireworking Myself

6:12am The month changed and I took a rest from writing. Or maybe I haven't had a lot to say... okay we know that's not true. Now that I think about it, I probably don't write when I have more on my mind. So... what's been on my mind?

Balance. I like all the time I've been spending with Ryan, but I don't want to be in a "just-add-water" situation. That's really hard for me, especially with someone who is showing himself to be such a great person. I went out last night to WeHo with Art, Arturo, Aries & Chuck. The company was fun--they always are, but the environment was cramped and I found myself thinking of Ryan and how much more content I would've been near his touch and voice. There was one moment on the dance floor with Aries & Chuck where I was very happy and in my old space of dancing contentment. The moment inhaled & exhaled and became part of the hot air on the floor.

School & work factor into this balance equation. Family time is also present in thoughts. I spent Wednesday afternoon with mom & Sarah. After lunch Sarah and I went to South Coast Plaza and spent quality time at Sephora. Haha... I love her so much. At one point we were walking on the catwalk toward the old Crystal Cove area and I called Ryan back on the phone. I was holding my Sephora bag and unconsciously I began twirling the bag while talking to him. She soon began to laugh and imitate me and that's when I realized what I was doing. I felt like a silly school girl/boy at that point. On the drive to WeHo last night Art said he knew that I was talking to Ryan because of the tone of my voice when I began speaking. I like that other people notice the changes in me.

I've been at work for 25 minutes now and not a single call. I definitely think E-Time will be available.

My doctor appointment yesterday went as I had hoped it would. She basically had the same list of alternatives to Prozac that I had researched on my own. In a way it's like a check list that we're going through and experimenting with my head to find out which drug my body will tolerate best while offering the least amount of side effects. With Paxil & Prozac written off now, we've changed the neurotransmitter cocktail from strictly serotonin to serotonin & norepinephrine with the drug, Effexor.

8:03am In my head I have a time frame of "until the end of the year" to have my body adapt (or not adapt) to whatever drug and see if the effects are going to allow me to be ME---the me that I have in my head and remember being---or the person that I've become by building walls and defenses over time. What a waste of some good years. A conversation just popped into my head that I had once with Steve Harrison. I think it was in the context of how he & John met. John was his professor in college and Steve was 21. He made the comment that John was an angry man at that time. It was hard for me to believe that because John--in my eyes--had always been calm and demure. It's the sum of our lives to the day we're at and the ways in which we have learned to live that determine the length of time to a goal of happiness.

"You've Got Me Falling In Love" by G Park.

"It is not enough to be compassionate. You must act."
-Dali Lama

Friendships are in my head a lot. The growing distance between Mark and I. The almost non-existent contact with Cardwell. The infinite bond that sustains with Nathan while still feeling removed from the daily affairs. The effort & reward of making new friends like Sebastian and Art. In my mind, friendships for gay men are as important--if not more so--than LTR's that we may or may not find ourselves in. The reality is that since we have no institution to formalize LTR's so few of the SoCal population finds itself in them. I grant that SoCal is a racy scene anyway. But nothing cements men together sometimes more than the sex they're enjoying and so few really can examine and understand emotional needs. They just interpret something that is emotional into something physical....it's like a druggie just going for the next fix rather than finding a supply of something natural that would suffice.

Hmm...now I'm thinking that I'm making some type of value judgment on the types of relationships that people have. That's hard not to do when I know what I want for myself, but when I also understand that what works for me is not necessarily what will work for someone else. For example....I want monogamy, but I also acknowledge that this is not a natural state of human being. We are driven to procreate, to nurture the good feelings of sex, to keep the ID happy, to focus on something other one's self. I'm genuinely intrigued by "alternative" relationship dynamics, but I think the only way that they truly work is with crystal clear understanding and agreement between each involved individual and attainment of such a perfect model is rare. How many people truly know themselves let alone with those around them? I know my limitations at this point in my life----and I say limitations only in the respect of trying to put myself in one of these alternative situations. I don't consider that I'm limited necessarily by my choice for wanting to foster monogamy.

I think I truly like the idea of the Native American belief of two spirits combined with the idea--from Chinese or Ancient Mesopotamia society--that a spirit is only half of itself in us. hahaha..... I think to myself that some readers are more adept in understand these words I write and others are skimming.

braille eyes

8:12am It was a 'rule' of my much younger self, but it was created to protect me. Today I'm not so steadfast about it, but the feeling is still the same. In an extended moment of searching someone's eyes, it is easy to read the writing on the wall if you're not so obsessed with only seeing the wallpaper.

I have my appointment this afternoon that I've been waiting what seems like forever for.