Last night was the essence of balance; the yin and the yang. Before coming into work I got a volunteered hug from Randy apologizing for his bahaviour the day before. I apologized back. Then I get into work and am put on a final written warning due to hanging up on a customer. Gotta love it.

Art (Karp)--new land lord--called me to make arrangements for the keys tomorrow. I'll be moving my stuff on Monday. At the very least, my bed with Bobby's help. He sent me scanned copies of his designs. They're really hot. He needs to take the next step and have them made and modeled.

Chuck invited me to go snowboarding this weekend. Unfortunately, this being my last night of graveyard I'll be too tired to go during the day tomorrow. I need to get testing done since I keep forgetting. I also didn't want to be a 3rd wheel to the Eddy/Chuck wagon and no 4th could be found.

Went shopping at Trader Joe's. Got home and had all this food and still wanted to eat out a restaurant. I didn't, but wanted to. Oh the joys of living within a budget. So we start out this way in our 20's, live, get more money and increase our spending habits, live, become retired and enjoy our benefits, live, stuck on our fixed income of savings and/or social security or both. I think too much. No wonder I don't mind the dulling of the mind from time to time.

Art (friend) is spending the weekend up in Davis/Sacramento. I wanted to go with him, but he's driving up with family. That would have been a nice weekend. I haven't been up that way in a while. Maybe I can still do the drive by myself....hmm.... something to ponder as I continue to take these calls.

I went to dinner last night with Jeff Hackett. We ate at The Cheesecake Factory in Fashion Island. I flew out the door as Randy was on the phone with Art. (Or at least I'm pretty sure it was Art because the volume on the phone was so loud that I thought I heard his voice.) I got in about four hours of sleep before Randy's voice woke me up. The day before I had three hours of sleep. I was looking forward to a nice quiet time and it just so happened to fall on the day that he takes vacation time to stay home. It was like throwing water on an oil fire. I was such a child. I made him so mad I could see him shaking as he said, "I want to hit you right now."

Huh? What a strange jumble of a paragraph written a couple hours ago.

Chuck and I were talking online about why we date younger. Actually...I was telling him why he does and pretty much knew that the reasons held true for myself. He chimed in with, "Everything is new to them." True. But everything being new...gets old after a bit. One hopefully starts to want new experiences rather than just realizing old ones through new eyes.

So we take to traveling. Seeing new places makes for new experience? Well, sometime. One could travel within their own city to nooks unknown and probably learn just as much. I know about a huge homeless problem that no one seems to want to experience and so it goes ignored while we travel to do something new. Maybe I'll try a new danceclub. It's not really that new. At the end of any day I still think that striking a balance between selfish and selfless is the ultimate goal.

Whoa... just had a lil fantasy day dream. Haha... I had to stop myself. I remember this happening the last time I wasn't having sex. There's a period of time where it's all I think about. Then the next phase comes in and I don't think of it at all, but that's not for a couple more months. (Grand) Meanwhile---in a non so distant universe---there's a couple that wants to have sex with me but I've still never fully committed to this idea. I tried to do it years ago and cancelled at the last minute because the excitement of the fantasy was more for me. Maybe it was because they were older than me at the time. Haha. Well, Now I'm the older. Next stage...gee, when will I start dying my hair?

So dinner was nice. I felt like spending money after the display of wills at home. Jeff and I are not close, but there's something easy about conversing with him. I realized while we were talking how conversations are very reflective and draw more upon experience now than they are visionary, drawing upon imagination of what might be. There's a sense of "been there, done that." He asked if I was going to The White Party in April. I hadn't planned on it. I know the tickets would be well over $100. The lil bros are going....but then, that is what they should be doing now. I'm half staring out into the sculpture gardens still and wondering where that genius that knows all the right things to say will come and smile at me smiling at him.

Kirk Acevedo...HBO Oz's "Miguel Alvarez." HOT. I've enjoyed the show over the seasons and was glad to catch the series finale.

I feel like writing letters. To who?

Sore jaw. Tender temples. Chewing is a bit of a strain. I didn't realize I was grinding so much Sunday. Oh wait... now that I think about it that gum was pretty stale by the time I spit it out. And yes, I spit it out instead of swallowing it so it must have REALLY been stale. Oh well, daily multi-vitamins, Vitamin E and 5-htp. The only thing that I really haven't been doing to take care of myself is sleeping. Three more nights of graveyard and I can get back to a semi-normal cycle.

Affection is what I miss most right now. To be held; to hold; to fall asleep next to. Kissing---yeah, I really miss kissing. The softness of skin; it's warmth. A head resting on the chest and feeling the heart beat. Exhales or air brushing against hair. Touch.

"Recollition".... idiot on Judge Judy.

"I know I'm fucked up when I'm enteretained by the wall."
-Jaime
Monday Morning @ Jay's Apartment in Fullerton (Shrooming)

12:55am
If you've ever been to a live event where a DJ is spinning and is really good then you know without words an approximation of the experience I had from the previous entry. If you haven't... the feet of thousands are like raindrops pouring down in unison. The light show is orchestrated to move with the music and even if you were deaf, the vibration would visually dance in front of you.

2:34am
Speaking of rain... it is literally pouring down right now. I'm in this office and can't see it, but there's a steady rhythm, like a horse trot just outside the window. Maybe it's more like a fast paced hammer, or a minimalistic interpretation of STOMP. I want to be out in it...twirling like I did when I was a kid. We'd come inside the house, freezing. Hot showers, fireplaces & hot chocolate.

2:43am
I connected with many family thoughts at The Mayan. While dancing, for the very first time I felt Grandma Mart. I had always thought of or had brain conversations with my grandmother so it was a strange, but welcome change. A trip to the bathroom stall, standing that interminable time for the body to realize that it really does want "to go" I started thinking about the idea that when people die they become energy that is everywhere. People--parents--want to be able to proect their children. Love/dependancy initiates a desire to always want to be safe and/or around those that one loves. Maybe there is a realization on the part of people that are near death or are fighting death that in death itself they gain what they've wanted most--to always be with those that they love. I know that I have always sensed the presence of my grandmother with me. I never lose that. I also thought about this party side of me. Where does it come from? Perhaps Auntie Dot has been with me all along as she is the only other reference to someone in the family having a wild side. I suspect that the women on my mom's side of the family all had their wild side that Jeremy the grandchild would never have known about.

2:54am
Mushrooms & ecstasy---hippie flipping. Wow. I do enjoy the company of straight friends when dancing to good music. With the gay crowd I'm always so self-conscious. Of course, the torture of being around these straight "boys" is another story. It's a fun memory mixed with fantasy.

3:14am
I had this online conversation with Chuck earlier. It was largely centered around porn and what turns us on the most while watching it. SIDE NOTE: I was also talking to The Jenn's about gay porn vs. straight porn last night. Jenn was saying how hot the guys were. I said of course because it's guys that are getting turned on by them... as opposed to straight porn where no guy wants to ever think another guy is hot so they stick the most FUGLY guys in and the focus is on the women. Marketing. Everything is marketing. END SIDE NOTE. I let him know that there were (2) things that I would talk to him about in six months. I felt it inappropriate to bring them up now--because they are. I know he doesn't read this, so Chuckie, if you are, then here's your early view.. haha. 1) The weekend in Vegas seing Eddie I was so attracted to him. Like REALLY attracted to him. Okay...enough said. 2) The night that Chuck, Aries & Art came over to play games at the apartment was the first time I had seen Chuck in a while. He had a tribal tatoo around his arm and I could see the results of his working out. For a moment there I wanted to make out with him again. He and I haven't kissed since returning from Montage way back when I still lived in Anaheim. So see, it would be inappropriate to bring these things up to him now that he's dating Eddy. It may be a sad expecation, but I told him six months out because I doubt they'll still be dating then. Prove me wrong, Chuck. Prove me wrong.

3:45am
Yippie.. 12:30-2pm today I get to speak at CSULB. The yippie was sarcasm. Sleep is what I would like.

11:16pm
LaNita & Cameleon. Anthony & Jaime. Jennifer w/Jay. Jenn w/Nodgie(sp?). Chris. Mario. Zack. Jeremy along for the experience. These were the people moving in and out of the night at The Mayan and beyond as we watched Paul Van Dyk in the early hours of this morning.

I spent the better part of Sunday placing myself in a good state of mind. No easy feat with the current living situation. I awoke and took an extra long, hot shower; stretching & singing. (okay, humming mostly) I made hot, earl grey tea and sipped it with my homemade egg & cheese burritos. Soothing music from the downloads, and an afternoon of "catch-up" conversations with friends online.

Dance pants...the most comfortable pair of "raver" pants I have ever had. Light. Airy. My "on-sale" orange Diesel shoes. White tank top & XY pullover gray sweat shirt. I'm out the door and driving to Los Angeles to meet the Jenn's.

The entire drive up to LA I was thinking about how the night might be. Inside I had this sense of that everything would be wonderful. I had worked hard to clear my mind of my feelings for Randy. Not just lingering feelings of love, but more so of anger; it's been increasing due to the insensitivity of late. (Conversations with the new b/f on the phone in front of me.)

I'm going to post this much and then continue after midnight with the rest of the night.

12:58am
No chance of e-time or going home early tonight. Damn. Although I did have the last two nights off to go out dancing so it's not that bad. One more week of this graveyard shit.

I spent the afternoon with Tracy & Andrew. Seeing as she and I have been sharing a brain for the past decade, it's no surprise that her Warren woes and my Randy ones should coincide. Andrew is getting so big. His hands are as big as Tracy's hands. He's almost as tall as she is. He was showing me how to play HALO on XBOX. When he was a toddler, my name came out as "Sedgy." We couldn't figure out what he was talking about until finally one day we figured out that he was addressing me. Tracy and I are resilient. It was good to connect with someone who knows me well and reminded me of the strength I have inside of me.

"Do you know, you're beautiful?" It's a line in a Mandalay song. It repeats several times. The song itself is beautiful. It's one I had downloaded and the CD that Josh's friend, Lena, made me has a different (better) version of it.

5:13am
I've been intermittently falling asleep at my desk. For lunch, I went home and made an egg & cheese burrito. num num. D.R.'s light was on. I wish we were closer than we are, but I think that time has passed.

I just dozed again and the tone of an incoming call jolted me. One more hour. I'm so tired that my neck won't even crack. My eyes close and lucid daydreams begin to reel through my head. I wonder where all of this comes from. Such an imagination.

It's almost 6am. I just arrived home from going out with Cardwell to The Palace in Hollywood. I'd never been before. I'm drowning in the snot of my cries. Blowing my nose doesn't seem to clear any type of passage to breathe. I've arrived "home" to an empty bedroom and a silent apartment. I can remember trying to call Laney on the drive home from the club and him saying something about it being 6am where he was---2 hour time difference. He said something about going before Shane woke up. I cried. The songs on the drive home struck chords to make me cry. The CD in my car for Josh made me cry. I stopped off at Simon & Gabe's place and put the CD on his windshield with a note. Then I sat in my car and cried. I cried because I was alone and because even the emotion involved in copying a CD wasn't going to create any type of lasting bond.

I cried so much on the drive home from The Palace. Cardwell gave me a good hug when I left his place. I faked being able to breath normally so that I could get in my car then I sat there for about five minutes while it warmed up and I trickled down.

I'm still somewhat drunk. (I think) I want my love to blossom in this garden of good intentions. Not just a swan feather. Not just an idea of love. Not only a singular sensation of something beautiful, but a simple urge to be affectionate. I'm numb because I'm drunk but I feel way too much right now.

Cleaning is always a metaphor. I remember when I was in high school and Kim would clean and clean and clean when she was mad or upset. I've picked up the living room, kitchen, vacuumed, hung laundry and the storm still brews inside. Tears would mean rain; the shuddering of my body would be thunder.

Josh brought me the CD that his friend, Lena, made for me. It's a compilation of Mandalay. It touched me that someone I've never met would make something for me. Maybe I'm putting more emotion into the gift than is necessary, but I just think it's really cool. It reminds me of something that I would've done in another life. So yeah.. Josh. We had some lunch and then walked around the lake. I think of us and I flash images of past chemistry lessons. Certain types of electrons of elements bond to each other only under certain circumstances. Other elements will share an electron. The picture in my head is that he's one element and I'm another (of course in reality we're many elements...but work with me here) and the explosion of our respective break-ups create this cloud of particles that happened to intermingle at the right time to cause a certain short-lived bond. And intense, emotional experience that communicated through deep, lasting looks and passionate kisses. We removed ourselves from the daily clatter of classes, work, bills and the impending war to have the purity of these moments where sanctuary could be found. And now it's passed... and I felt that coming--or always knew that it would arrive. He's a genuinely nice guy that will find something beautiful one day from atop his hillside. As I wrote to him, not all relationships are like he's had and there's a world waiting for him. It's strange to miss someone that briefly blips into one's life, but it means that we valued that person and hold an essence of that value forever.

Guess who just came home and already started a word war. Two different people have told me to believe in the creedo that what goes around comes around. I don't know that I really want him to have to feel the way I do--nor do I really think he's capable. I think whatever would be directed toward him would be further ignored and/or channeled into twisting him into more of a hateful person rather than truly feeling vulnerable.

Jenny & I went out to WeHo last night. That was a blast. Pounded down beers in the car, went to The Abbey and upgraded our Bud Light car pounding to sophisticated martini drinking..haha. We sat in the darkened dance room area and caught up on what was happening with each other. I envy that she has a friendship still with Chris. ((woo hoo.. Chris, who I'll get to see on Sunday Night when we're at The Mayan to see Paul Van Dyk.)) Then again, part of me wonders if a friendship would ever develop anyway. It's the thing of time. It's one of those things a year from now I'll look at my cell phone and his number will either be in it or not.

Randy Cardwell and I are going to The Palace tonight. I guess Ditech.com is getting their employees & guests in for free. How can I resist that? It's a dancing weekend and that works for me. I had made semi-plans with Sebastian tonight to go to the movies. I called and cancelled. The way this week has been progressing, I've been rubbed the wrong way by Randy (lil one) too much to spend time with new people. I really do need the support of friends at the moment in a way that I've never been good at asking for.

blah blah test....

I'm trying something new. I read an article online about "bloggers" and/or "blogging." Who knew I was part of this without knowing I was part of it. LoL. So I'm going to try this out instead of using my diaryland.com acct. Who knows, I might even go Pro with this. haha. Since this is my first post, I'm not too concerned with what I'm saying, but I'm curious to see what it will look like so I'm gonna post now.

Mad World

1:05am
When I'm absent from typing here I'm deeply into my own thoughts. Sometimes it's because I'm really happy and I don't take the time to write down those thoughts. That's a shame. Writing has been a coping skill and not a means for expressing joy most of the time.

Joe Ortiz said something profoundly simple to me online today. "Enjoy your friends." This was in the context of not trying to date right now or get to know new people. I'd love to do this, but I look around at friends and those resources are thin and/or bonds are not as strong as they once were. It's hard to lean on someone for support that is barely standing on their own two feet. It seems that this is the case with several friends and so meeting new people and making friends with them seems to be a good choice at the moment. (Albeit more effort and draining.)

And sex? It's like I can't get into it anyway so why try? I know my heart isn't in it. The nights that I have been out clubbing with friends and attention has been thrown my way I just smile but don't do anything about it. I'm still not at a point where I want to indulge in the meaningless just to placate a physical need that I can take care of daily. Of course it's not the same. Jacking off is never the same as feeling the warmth of someone near/on/under (haha) you. Celibacy is this choice that will create desires to increase unless I then find another balancing medium, but celibacy is a sensible choice when the alternative causes me great mental strain anyway. At least for now. At least in this near future of transitions.

2:05am
I got my new shift at work. It starts on March 2nd. I'll be working 2:30-11:30pm with Sun/Mon off. This schedule insures that I won't be dating....haha. The Lord doth work in mysterious ways whether you believe in him or not.

2:52am
It seems that everyone is exercising these days. (Everyone is such a broad brushstroke.) I've encountered a lot of talk about personal trainers, eating habits, taking walks. I can see the changes in my body over the last two years and it doesn't make me smile in the mirror. I've always had the thought in the back of my head that if I really want to do anything about it, it's only a matter of weeks for the results to show. But how true is that now at 28? I wonder. Yeah yeah...only one way to find out. I think I will actually put a workable action plan together after I finish this entry. I could chronicle the progress in a short blurb at the end of each entry titled: Exercise or Die! (Since this is the tone that most people that are fervent exercise buffs take.) :-)

4:24am
My lunch break is about to end. A lunch I did not have. I have a physical exam in five hours and cannot eat prior to it. Bloodwork. Blah. I'm interested to hear the clean bill of health and see if they reiterate that I too should be on an exercise program and that my blood pressure is too high. Maybe they'll actually start me on medication. More likely they'll ask me to start the aforementioned exercise program for a period of 3-6 months and then have me back to see if there is any improvement...which of course there wouldn't be unless I actually DID do the exercise. Hmph...guess it's not one of those tests you can just show up for and get the "A."

More insights on Josh, Sebastian and George to be written about when I have clearer images in my head.

LannyLetter

An e-mail back to Lanny.....

I know how it is....not talking but not fighting. That is Randy & me right now. In fact, as I'm typing this e-mail to you, he's behind me on his computer typing to some guy that he met on the internet that lives in Scotland. We've said nothing but "hi" since I walked in the door. I hate living in this situation. I hate him & love him and hate him and love him.... You know?

I found a place to live. It's a house here in Irvine that I'll be renting a room out of. It's a bit expensive, but I just can't stay here anymore. I can start moving my stuff on March 1st. It will feel good to have a new beginning. (Again) It seems like I went through this 3 1/2 years ago with you. I remember how much this hurt. I remember how much I hated having to do this. I remember asking myself if it was the right thing to do. I know for sure it is with Randy. He already has another boyfriend. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?!?! So yeah... I know it's the right thing.

Congratulations on your homes. I need a vacation too. The weekend in Las Vegas wasn't long enough. Unfortunately, this move is going to use up the money I was saving too. How funny is that?? We're going through similar things. Hahaha. I guess it's not really funny, but if we don't laugh, what else are we going to do, right?

Sometimes I think how life would have been if things would have been different that Summer that I came and visited. I think of a song called "Boys of Summer" where the lyrics say, "Don't look back, you can never look back." I think about the truth to this and why people always say that you should look to the future and not dwell on the past. The future is uncertain whereas the past is already written. It's a story that has been told and cannot change. It will always be like it is. The future is a blank book with words hanging in the air waiting to be plucked out of the sky and put to pages. I want so badly to write a beautiful future for myself. A future full of love and happiness and someone to share my life with. But right now I feel like I've been worn down so much that I wouldn't be good for anyone. I need to heal. I need to be held. I need my soul to feel the beach's sunshine and bring me back to life.

Sorry this was so long and dreary. I hope things turn out well for you. One of my friends is bugging me to goto Miami with her in March. There's a Winter Music Conference happening there in the middle of the month. I don't know if I'll go. I don't know if I'll have the money or not. I've been meeting a lot of people online lately from Florida. What does that mean? Life is strange.

xo
love all-ways,
j.r.me

The Promise

Tracy Chapman's "The Promise"

If you wait for me
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch

Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me
Like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch

Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you
And I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me

And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.