Cleaning is always a metaphor. I remember when I was in high school and Kim would clean and clean and clean when she was mad or upset. I've picked up the living room, kitchen, vacuumed, hung laundry and the storm still brews inside. Tears would mean rain; the shuddering of my body would be thunder.

Josh brought me the CD that his friend, Lena, made for me. It's a compilation of Mandalay. It touched me that someone I've never met would make something for me. Maybe I'm putting more emotion into the gift than is necessary, but I just think it's really cool. It reminds me of something that I would've done in another life. So yeah.. Josh. We had some lunch and then walked around the lake. I think of us and I flash images of past chemistry lessons. Certain types of electrons of elements bond to each other only under certain circumstances. Other elements will share an electron. The picture in my head is that he's one element and I'm another (of course in reality we're many elements...but work with me here) and the explosion of our respective break-ups create this cloud of particles that happened to intermingle at the right time to cause a certain short-lived bond. And intense, emotional experience that communicated through deep, lasting looks and passionate kisses. We removed ourselves from the daily clatter of classes, work, bills and the impending war to have the purity of these moments where sanctuary could be found. And now it's passed... and I felt that coming--or always knew that it would arrive. He's a genuinely nice guy that will find something beautiful one day from atop his hillside. As I wrote to him, not all relationships are like he's had and there's a world waiting for him. It's strange to miss someone that briefly blips into one's life, but it means that we valued that person and hold an essence of that value forever.

Guess who just came home and already started a word war. Two different people have told me to believe in the creedo that what goes around comes around. I don't know that I really want him to have to feel the way I do--nor do I really think he's capable. I think whatever would be directed toward him would be further ignored and/or channeled into twisting him into more of a hateful person rather than truly feeling vulnerable.

Jenny & I went out to WeHo last night. That was a blast. Pounded down beers in the car, went to The Abbey and upgraded our Bud Light car pounding to sophisticated martini drinking..haha. We sat in the darkened dance room area and caught up on what was happening with each other. I envy that she has a friendship still with Chris. ((woo hoo.. Chris, who I'll get to see on Sunday Night when we're at The Mayan to see Paul Van Dyk.)) Then again, part of me wonders if a friendship would ever develop anyway. It's the thing of time. It's one of those things a year from now I'll look at my cell phone and his number will either be in it or not.

Randy Cardwell and I are going to The Palace tonight. I guess Ditech.com is getting their employees & guests in for free. How can I resist that? It's a dancing weekend and that works for me. I had made semi-plans with Sebastian tonight to go to the movies. I called and cancelled. The way this week has been progressing, I've been rubbed the wrong way by Randy (lil one) too much to spend time with new people. I really do need the support of friends at the moment in a way that I've never been good at asking for.