It's almost 6am. I just arrived home from going out with Cardwell to The Palace in Hollywood. I'd never been before. I'm drowning in the snot of my cries. Blowing my nose doesn't seem to clear any type of passage to breathe. I've arrived "home" to an empty bedroom and a silent apartment. I can remember trying to call Laney on the drive home from the club and him saying something about it being 6am where he was---2 hour time difference. He said something about going before Shane woke up. I cried. The songs on the drive home struck chords to make me cry. The CD in my car for Josh made me cry. I stopped off at Simon & Gabe's place and put the CD on his windshield with a note. Then I sat in my car and cried. I cried because I was alone and because even the emotion involved in copying a CD wasn't going to create any type of lasting bond.

I cried so much on the drive home from The Palace. Cardwell gave me a good hug when I left his place. I faked being able to breath normally so that I could get in my car then I sat there for about five minutes while it warmed up and I trickled down.

I'm still somewhat drunk. (I think) I want my love to blossom in this garden of good intentions. Not just a swan feather. Not just an idea of love. Not only a singular sensation of something beautiful, but a simple urge to be affectionate. I'm numb because I'm drunk but I feel way too much right now.