Mad World

1:05am
When I'm absent from typing here I'm deeply into my own thoughts. Sometimes it's because I'm really happy and I don't take the time to write down those thoughts. That's a shame. Writing has been a coping skill and not a means for expressing joy most of the time.

Joe Ortiz said something profoundly simple to me online today. "Enjoy your friends." This was in the context of not trying to date right now or get to know new people. I'd love to do this, but I look around at friends and those resources are thin and/or bonds are not as strong as they once were. It's hard to lean on someone for support that is barely standing on their own two feet. It seems that this is the case with several friends and so meeting new people and making friends with them seems to be a good choice at the moment. (Albeit more effort and draining.)

And sex? It's like I can't get into it anyway so why try? I know my heart isn't in it. The nights that I have been out clubbing with friends and attention has been thrown my way I just smile but don't do anything about it. I'm still not at a point where I want to indulge in the meaningless just to placate a physical need that I can take care of daily. Of course it's not the same. Jacking off is never the same as feeling the warmth of someone near/on/under (haha) you. Celibacy is this choice that will create desires to increase unless I then find another balancing medium, but celibacy is a sensible choice when the alternative causes me great mental strain anyway. At least for now. At least in this near future of transitions.

2:05am
I got my new shift at work. It starts on March 2nd. I'll be working 2:30-11:30pm with Sun/Mon off. This schedule insures that I won't be dating....haha. The Lord doth work in mysterious ways whether you believe in him or not.

2:52am
It seems that everyone is exercising these days. (Everyone is such a broad brushstroke.) I've encountered a lot of talk about personal trainers, eating habits, taking walks. I can see the changes in my body over the last two years and it doesn't make me smile in the mirror. I've always had the thought in the back of my head that if I really want to do anything about it, it's only a matter of weeks for the results to show. But how true is that now at 28? I wonder. Yeah yeah...only one way to find out. I think I will actually put a workable action plan together after I finish this entry. I could chronicle the progress in a short blurb at the end of each entry titled: Exercise or Die! (Since this is the tone that most people that are fervent exercise buffs take.) :-)

4:24am
My lunch break is about to end. A lunch I did not have. I have a physical exam in five hours and cannot eat prior to it. Bloodwork. Blah. I'm interested to hear the clean bill of health and see if they reiterate that I too should be on an exercise program and that my blood pressure is too high. Maybe they'll actually start me on medication. More likely they'll ask me to start the aforementioned exercise program for a period of 3-6 months and then have me back to see if there is any improvement...which of course there wouldn't be unless I actually DID do the exercise. Hmph...guess it's not one of those tests you can just show up for and get the "A."

More insights on Josh, Sebastian and George to be written about when I have clearer images in my head.