LannyLetter

An e-mail back to Lanny.....

I know how it is....not talking but not fighting. That is Randy & me right now. In fact, as I'm typing this e-mail to you, he's behind me on his computer typing to some guy that he met on the internet that lives in Scotland. We've said nothing but "hi" since I walked in the door. I hate living in this situation. I hate him & love him and hate him and love him.... You know?

I found a place to live. It's a house here in Irvine that I'll be renting a room out of. It's a bit expensive, but I just can't stay here anymore. I can start moving my stuff on March 1st. It will feel good to have a new beginning. (Again) It seems like I went through this 3 1/2 years ago with you. I remember how much this hurt. I remember how much I hated having to do this. I remember asking myself if it was the right thing to do. I know for sure it is with Randy. He already has another boyfriend. ISN'T THAT CRAZY?!?! So yeah... I know it's the right thing.

Congratulations on your homes. I need a vacation too. The weekend in Las Vegas wasn't long enough. Unfortunately, this move is going to use up the money I was saving too. How funny is that?? We're going through similar things. Hahaha. I guess it's not really funny, but if we don't laugh, what else are we going to do, right?

Sometimes I think how life would have been if things would have been different that Summer that I came and visited. I think of a song called "Boys of Summer" where the lyrics say, "Don't look back, you can never look back." I think about the truth to this and why people always say that you should look to the future and not dwell on the past. The future is uncertain whereas the past is already written. It's a story that has been told and cannot change. It will always be like it is. The future is a blank book with words hanging in the air waiting to be plucked out of the sky and put to pages. I want so badly to write a beautiful future for myself. A future full of love and happiness and someone to share my life with. But right now I feel like I've been worn down so much that I wouldn't be good for anyone. I need to heal. I need to be held. I need my soul to feel the beach's sunshine and bring me back to life.

Sorry this was so long and dreary. I hope things turn out well for you. One of my friends is bugging me to goto Miami with her in March. There's a Winter Music Conference happening there in the middle of the month. I don't know if I'll go. I don't know if I'll have the money or not. I've been meeting a lot of people online lately from Florida. What does that mean? Life is strange.

xo
love all-ways,
j.r.me