12:55am
If you've ever been to a live event where a DJ is spinning and is really good then you know without words an approximation of the experience I had from the previous entry. If you haven't... the feet of thousands are like raindrops pouring down in unison. The light show is orchestrated to move with the music and even if you were deaf, the vibration would visually dance in front of you.

2:34am
Speaking of rain... it is literally pouring down right now. I'm in this office and can't see it, but there's a steady rhythm, like a horse trot just outside the window. Maybe it's more like a fast paced hammer, or a minimalistic interpretation of STOMP. I want to be out in it...twirling like I did when I was a kid. We'd come inside the house, freezing. Hot showers, fireplaces & hot chocolate.

2:43am
I connected with many family thoughts at The Mayan. While dancing, for the very first time I felt Grandma Mart. I had always thought of or had brain conversations with my grandmother so it was a strange, but welcome change. A trip to the bathroom stall, standing that interminable time for the body to realize that it really does want "to go" I started thinking about the idea that when people die they become energy that is everywhere. People--parents--want to be able to proect their children. Love/dependancy initiates a desire to always want to be safe and/or around those that one loves. Maybe there is a realization on the part of people that are near death or are fighting death that in death itself they gain what they've wanted most--to always be with those that they love. I know that I have always sensed the presence of my grandmother with me. I never lose that. I also thought about this party side of me. Where does it come from? Perhaps Auntie Dot has been with me all along as she is the only other reference to someone in the family having a wild side. I suspect that the women on my mom's side of the family all had their wild side that Jeremy the grandchild would never have known about.

2:54am
Mushrooms & ecstasy---hippie flipping. Wow. I do enjoy the company of straight friends when dancing to good music. With the gay crowd I'm always so self-conscious. Of course, the torture of being around these straight "boys" is another story. It's a fun memory mixed with fantasy.

3:14am
I had this online conversation with Chuck earlier. It was largely centered around porn and what turns us on the most while watching it. SIDE NOTE: I was also talking to The Jenn's about gay porn vs. straight porn last night. Jenn was saying how hot the guys were. I said of course because it's guys that are getting turned on by them... as opposed to straight porn where no guy wants to ever think another guy is hot so they stick the most FUGLY guys in and the focus is on the women. Marketing. Everything is marketing. END SIDE NOTE. I let him know that there were (2) things that I would talk to him about in six months. I felt it inappropriate to bring them up now--because they are. I know he doesn't read this, so Chuckie, if you are, then here's your early view.. haha. 1) The weekend in Vegas seing Eddie I was so attracted to him. Like REALLY attracted to him. Okay...enough said. 2) The night that Chuck, Aries & Art came over to play games at the apartment was the first time I had seen Chuck in a while. He had a tribal tatoo around his arm and I could see the results of his working out. For a moment there I wanted to make out with him again. He and I haven't kissed since returning from Montage way back when I still lived in Anaheim. So see, it would be inappropriate to bring these things up to him now that he's dating Eddy. It may be a sad expecation, but I told him six months out because I doubt they'll still be dating then. Prove me wrong, Chuck. Prove me wrong.

3:45am
Yippie.. 12:30-2pm today I get to speak at CSULB. The yippie was sarcasm. Sleep is what I would like.