12:20am Cheddy in WeHo. Bobby @ Boom Boom. I just don't feel like venturing out into those arenas tonight, though I would like to be around friends.
Bummed about the Javier thing... but also remembering the credo: No Drama. This definitely qualifies as drama and so I go back to the single thing. Lovely. Got porn?
I have this Southwest Airlines credit that I have to use by November. My vacation time is limited but I'm not sure where to go. Part of me wants to do the solo thing and go somewhere I've never been and part of me wants to see familiar faces. I'm a sort of fairytale myself.
I told George online tonight that my body's age was catching up to reflect my soul. Perhaps that's the way with all of us. The day we die is the day they're in sync. Might explain why so many young ones die and people say they "passed before their time." No...their time came. If souls are recycled somehow.... okay, this is just way too deep and philosophical for me right now.
What am I as a friend to others? I'll sleep on that.
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Friday, May 30, 2003
Daily Briefs
Tired. I've ordinarily ignored the healing power of being or getting into a relationship. There is an intangible quality that effects health, heart & head. (Harmony) This assumption of Javier's has effected me. I have responded, but the harmony is disrupted termporarily. Now I'm sitting in a training class about information I will likely never use. Haha... funny line or thought, "I'm a lover not a fighter." I think of my old therapist--Francisco Perez--A question he asked was, "Do I ever think about being taken care of?" Maybe. Maybe I would. I might enjoy being a full-time academic. But I don't know--I think that is anything natural.
An impromptu BBQ on Sunday.
I don't want to be part of a revenue stream.
An impromptu BBQ on Sunday.
I don't want to be part of a revenue stream.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
Windows of Opportunity
8:30pm I'm about to embark to Long Beach to hang out with Mark & Charlie. A nice and simple night of hanging out on my day off.
Internal conflict. Javier logged on AOL earlier today to see me in a chat room. I wouldn't guess that he knows me well enough to know that I only go in chat rooms to talk and be silly, regardless, he has the impression that I was there to hook-up and have sex. This, after I expressly stated otherwise. He firmed it up with an e-mail in response to something playful I sent him as a way of furthering communication. So here's the conflict.... one part of me says, "This is too much drama too early on to deal with so let it go now while you truly have not invested too much." ....the other part says, "He's young, probably been lied to before or hurt in some way to make him think this way so try and reassure him of who I really am and work past this because he seems like a genuinely great guy to be around." As much as it is going to pain me to do this... I'm going to sit on this for 24 hours and let it simmer. It's something that I wouldn't ordinarily do because my impulse is telling me to call and resolve this. That's the impatient side of me. So I'm trying this something different in the hopes that maybe the outcome will be different.
Fuck.
Internal conflict. Javier logged on AOL earlier today to see me in a chat room. I wouldn't guess that he knows me well enough to know that I only go in chat rooms to talk and be silly, regardless, he has the impression that I was there to hook-up and have sex. This, after I expressly stated otherwise. He firmed it up with an e-mail in response to something playful I sent him as a way of furthering communication. So here's the conflict.... one part of me says, "This is too much drama too early on to deal with so let it go now while you truly have not invested too much." ....the other part says, "He's young, probably been lied to before or hurt in some way to make him think this way so try and reassure him of who I really am and work past this because he seems like a genuinely great guy to be around." As much as it is going to pain me to do this... I'm going to sit on this for 24 hours and let it simmer. It's something that I wouldn't ordinarily do because my impulse is telling me to call and resolve this. That's the impatient side of me. So I'm trying this something different in the hopes that maybe the outcome will be different.
Fuck.
Sleeping with the window open
9:50am Early to rise. I didn't fall asleep until close to 4:30 this morning and here I am awake already. At least the last 20 minutes. I think I'm going to play with the time I take my medication today. I seem to get tired at work 2-3 hours after getting there. So maybe dosing at 9pm or my last break at 9:45 will get me in bed earlier. TBD.
Why is the obvious what eludes us so often? Have our minds developed so much that we're looking in the clouds rather than feeling the ground that we walk on? Although I'm thinking of a conversation with Randy yesterday as I write this paragraph I just had a flash of tribal people and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. What we as a civilized world may look at as primitive in terms of industrialization is really something quite rich when often we have forgotten to hold or share the simplicity of affection. So the conversation centered around why I wouldn't notice any change in myself when others can readily see it. He surmised that I don't see a change because the thoughts I have are always there so nothing has changed or is new to me, but what gets outwardly expressed changes. Whether I know it or not I'm letting out more of what's inside. I've compartmentalized for so long I can even fool myself. It was what I had to do to survive so long ago but I'm not in that space anymore. Not for a long time.
Art has flown off to Orlando for business and pleasure. His father passed last Friday. We sat in the hot tub two nights ago and shared thoughts on family. I realized that I told him more about me that night than I probably have the whole time I've lived here.
I'm so damn impatient. Seeing Javier but once a week has built in this reality check safety net. It makes me focus on really trying to get to know him to see if my instinct danger sirens go off. When Randy told me that he and Ryan only saw each other about two days a week part of me thought, "how perfect." (Just long enough to have all the good times without learning any of the bad) You can be your best for someone and they never have to see you the other times when you're actually living real life. Mark and I were talking yesterday and he was relating how his most recent relationship--though shorter than a previous one--is someone affecting him more deeply. I said that it wasn't the time of the relationship that would necessarily determine one's emotional involvement, rather one's own level of opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another. In saying this I both understood my own passage with Randy and now his with Ryan and am less bitter all around.
I wrote cousin Shirley an e-mail. I started a list of things to accomplish in life. It's short now, but I'm sure it will grow. I'm sure I will grow.
Why is the obvious what eludes us so often? Have our minds developed so much that we're looking in the clouds rather than feeling the ground that we walk on? Although I'm thinking of a conversation with Randy yesterday as I write this paragraph I just had a flash of tribal people and the idea that it takes a village to raise a child. What we as a civilized world may look at as primitive in terms of industrialization is really something quite rich when often we have forgotten to hold or share the simplicity of affection. So the conversation centered around why I wouldn't notice any change in myself when others can readily see it. He surmised that I don't see a change because the thoughts I have are always there so nothing has changed or is new to me, but what gets outwardly expressed changes. Whether I know it or not I'm letting out more of what's inside. I've compartmentalized for so long I can even fool myself. It was what I had to do to survive so long ago but I'm not in that space anymore. Not for a long time.
Art has flown off to Orlando for business and pleasure. His father passed last Friday. We sat in the hot tub two nights ago and shared thoughts on family. I realized that I told him more about me that night than I probably have the whole time I've lived here.
I'm so damn impatient. Seeing Javier but once a week has built in this reality check safety net. It makes me focus on really trying to get to know him to see if my instinct danger sirens go off. When Randy told me that he and Ryan only saw each other about two days a week part of me thought, "how perfect." (Just long enough to have all the good times without learning any of the bad) You can be your best for someone and they never have to see you the other times when you're actually living real life. Mark and I were talking yesterday and he was relating how his most recent relationship--though shorter than a previous one--is someone affecting him more deeply. I said that it wasn't the time of the relationship that would necessarily determine one's emotional involvement, rather one's own level of opening up and allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another. In saying this I both understood my own passage with Randy and now his with Ryan and am less bitter all around.
I wrote cousin Shirley an e-mail. I started a list of things to accomplish in life. It's short now, but I'm sure it will grow. I'm sure I will grow.
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
A Telling Heart
6:35pm An awful...awful call just came through. If I weren't at work I'd have tears down my face. So sad. Such sadness. This feeling envelops me. Someone by the name of "Scott" called in on the special fraud line here at work. The normal procedure is to get the phone number and verify account information because usually the calls are not fraud related. I could tell that he was developmentally disabled by the way he was speaking and when I would ask for a cell phone number he kept repeating a number that was not a Verizon Wireless cell phone. I searched the number and saw it was a landline. I asked where he was trying to call and he said he was trying to call his mom. His voice transmitted a caring and sincerity that my hardened heart could have glossed over.
Although not procedure, I decided to try calling the number myself to see if I could get a valid cell phone number. Part of me thought that it might be an emergency call and part of me just wanted to help out. When a woman answered the line I asked if she knew a "Scott" and she said that he didn't live there. I explained where I was from and stated that he was trying to reach his mom. She said, "Oh, well I am his mom. I didn't realize he had a cell phone." She went on to say that he was disabled and lived in a home. Since she didn't know the cell number I was just going to connect the call and explained this to her and she said, "No, I don't want to talk to him, just have Spencer take care of it."
But what do I know? Perhaps this is best.
Although not procedure, I decided to try calling the number myself to see if I could get a valid cell phone number. Part of me thought that it might be an emergency call and part of me just wanted to help out. When a woman answered the line I asked if she knew a "Scott" and she said that he didn't live there. I explained where I was from and stated that he was trying to reach his mom. She said, "Oh, well I am his mom. I didn't realize he had a cell phone." She went on to say that he was disabled and lived in a home. Since she didn't know the cell number I was just going to connect the call and explained this to her and she said, "No, I don't want to talk to him, just have Spencer take care of it."
But what do I know? Perhaps this is best.
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Cleaning Surprise
2:13pm I'm lying in bed with headphones on, semi-rocking out and from the corner of my eye I see my bedroom door start to open. It's the maids. Hahahahaha... she laughed and closed the door. It's a good thing I wasn't jacking off or anything. That could've been embarrassing.
I was online talking with Rey...friend of Eddie.. and he was informed that a new rule in having discussions with Eddie was that they couldn't discuss Eddie's relationship. I shook my head and looked down. I'd like to laugh and think that it was miscommunicated, but I know Chuck better... lol. Rey is one of those people that I get my instant danger vibe from but know that the flipside to that is that there's a piece of me that can lend words that might impact somehow. He's the second Irish fucker to call me "Jerm." Thanks Tanny. Lovely.
The movie I was going to go see, "Raising Victor Vargas" is no longer playing locally. A trip to Los Angeles does seem likely for today's agenda.
I was online talking with Rey...friend of Eddie.. and he was informed that a new rule in having discussions with Eddie was that they couldn't discuss Eddie's relationship. I shook my head and looked down. I'd like to laugh and think that it was miscommunicated, but I know Chuck better... lol. Rey is one of those people that I get my instant danger vibe from but know that the flipside to that is that there's a piece of me that can lend words that might impact somehow. He's the second Irish fucker to call me "Jerm." Thanks Tanny. Lovely.
The movie I was going to go see, "Raising Victor Vargas" is no longer playing locally. A trip to Los Angeles does seem likely for today's agenda.
Emerge
2:39a.m. I wonder if tomorrow and the next day and the next will surprise me like today. I went searching on the internet for camp sites. Crazy. It started by looking up ideas for different types of dates and one of them was stargazing. You can't stargaze from the cities because of all the lights so I thought of the mountains and state parks. I remembered being out at the river on grandpa's property and the journal entry I wrote staring at the sky. That was over 10 years ago. Astonishing. More lost time. Haha.... I'm noticing that a lot lately. Lost time.
I thought earlier that I hate that I was not raised with direction or purpose. I think about that and feel lucky that I was not forced into a direction or purpose....but then think again that I wouldn't know any better anyway. If from day one you are Mormon and raised around Mormons and the foundation of your life is the church and your family then you don't know any different and don't expect any different. It's similar to my thoughts on sex wherein people who have not had multiple partners accept what it is they know and are not comparing to other experiences which is almost unavoidable once variety comes into play. I guess this whole paragraphs boils down to living in a box and venturing outside of it. Hatching.
Why can I never turn my head off? As soon as I typed that images of water flashed in my head. The sea...pools....baths. Being submerged in water. Hmm... now I feel all psycho because I'm relating these flashes to some dialogue in the movie "The Cell."
Enough tonight.
I thought earlier that I hate that I was not raised with direction or purpose. I think about that and feel lucky that I was not forced into a direction or purpose....but then think again that I wouldn't know any better anyway. If from day one you are Mormon and raised around Mormons and the foundation of your life is the church and your family then you don't know any different and don't expect any different. It's similar to my thoughts on sex wherein people who have not had multiple partners accept what it is they know and are not comparing to other experiences which is almost unavoidable once variety comes into play. I guess this whole paragraphs boils down to living in a box and venturing outside of it. Hatching.
Why can I never turn my head off? As soon as I typed that images of water flashed in my head. The sea...pools....baths. Being submerged in water. Hmm... now I feel all psycho because I'm relating these flashes to some dialogue in the movie "The Cell."
Enough tonight.
Monday, May 26, 2003
Memorial Day---Yay
10:38am I wake up to gray skies---the theme for this weekend's weather. I was looking forward to going to the beach today. Other forces had otra plans.
So I just stared at the keyboard for that last 8 minutes. More lost time. My head was playing out a cinema. I do this so often. Sometimes it's the interaction between real people that I know. I'm thinking about what their reactions to situations would be and mine naturally back to them. Sometimes there are completely ficticious characters involved with real people and the mood of the thoughts is much more fantasy than any reality.
My appetite for sex has been returning slowly. As I'm laying in bed I thought just now that it's strange to have sex with someone different. After two years of the same person there's a comfort and a knowledge of likes and dislikes. There are also certain expectations from that knoweldge. You know what turns them on most, the places on their body that are sensitive, the things that they didn't know about and that you found together. And vice versa. They know you. A good sex life fits like a gloove.
I've decided on "peaceful tiger" for the chinese characters for my back. Now how long will it take me to do it?
I spent pretty much all day with Javier and his nieces yesterday. Oh...and Oliver the cat too. I felt some special bond with his younger niece, Erica. I can't explain that any better at the moment. Lynette was a lot of fun as well. So different than my sister of roughly the same age. I also spent some time with Mom & Sarah yesterday.
A person who names their son or daughter after themself? Is this the ultimate in narcissism? Just a lack or originality? Tradition? Yeah, I think it's all about that thing of carrying on something after your death.....progeny. So are gay people truly nature's way of responding to an over-populated planet? Some absolutely perfect molecular precision built into the DNA from the start? We are taught to want so many things and yet other things are pure drives from within.
So I just stared at the keyboard for that last 8 minutes. More lost time. My head was playing out a cinema. I do this so often. Sometimes it's the interaction between real people that I know. I'm thinking about what their reactions to situations would be and mine naturally back to them. Sometimes there are completely ficticious characters involved with real people and the mood of the thoughts is much more fantasy than any reality.
My appetite for sex has been returning slowly. As I'm laying in bed I thought just now that it's strange to have sex with someone different. After two years of the same person there's a comfort and a knowledge of likes and dislikes. There are also certain expectations from that knoweldge. You know what turns them on most, the places on their body that are sensitive, the things that they didn't know about and that you found together. And vice versa. They know you. A good sex life fits like a gloove.
I've decided on "peaceful tiger" for the chinese characters for my back. Now how long will it take me to do it?
I spent pretty much all day with Javier and his nieces yesterday. Oh...and Oliver the cat too. I felt some special bond with his younger niece, Erica. I can't explain that any better at the moment. Lynette was a lot of fun as well. So different than my sister of roughly the same age. I also spent some time with Mom & Sarah yesterday.
A person who names their son or daughter after themself? Is this the ultimate in narcissism? Just a lack or originality? Tradition? Yeah, I think it's all about that thing of carrying on something after your death.....progeny. So are gay people truly nature's way of responding to an over-populated planet? Some absolutely perfect molecular precision built into the DNA from the start? We are taught to want so many things and yet other things are pure drives from within.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
Dorky
No one really knows that I'm this big ole dork inside. I feel that way all the time and I know it doesn't show until I open my mouth or people hang around me for periods. It's the little secret that is hidden away for the special people to know... or the other dorks that just know when in close proximity. That's always fun. A dork-a-thon.
Saturday, May 24, 2003
Embrace
2:40am Finding ourselves. It's a lifetime in the looking and yet we are always who we are. Even in wanting to be someone else, we are still us.
Nathan is here. YES! Such life surges through me. I can feel his pain. I can sense how much he wants to let it all go. I've so rarely been that friend for him. I have a way about me that doesn't always let that tenderness flow and I know it's from being a product of my own environment. We drove to LAX after work and met with Lanny for 20 minutes while he was in between flights from Hawaii back home to Florida. He was such a happier person than the last time that I saw him. It was apparent. I liked watching Nathan reconnect with him. It was "lil brother and big bro" together. Sensitive eyes begin to glaze.
How do I feel? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I know it's because I'm anticipating some large scale mood change when the reality is that the change will be gradual and I most likely wont notice anything earth shattering. No drama. I feel like dancing. I feel like laying out in the sun. I feel like kissing soft lips. I feel like I can rest my head and dream of the phone calls that will wake.
Nathan is here. YES! Such life surges through me. I can feel his pain. I can sense how much he wants to let it all go. I've so rarely been that friend for him. I have a way about me that doesn't always let that tenderness flow and I know it's from being a product of my own environment. We drove to LAX after work and met with Lanny for 20 minutes while he was in between flights from Hawaii back home to Florida. He was such a happier person than the last time that I saw him. It was apparent. I liked watching Nathan reconnect with him. It was "lil brother and big bro" together. Sensitive eyes begin to glaze.
How do I feel? I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I know it's because I'm anticipating some large scale mood change when the reality is that the change will be gradual and I most likely wont notice anything earth shattering. No drama. I feel like dancing. I feel like laying out in the sun. I feel like kissing soft lips. I feel like I can rest my head and dream of the phone calls that will wake.
