Fever. Not just in the morning or at night. Oh baby won't you treat me right. I just popped my over-the-counter concoction of two asprin and an Advil to help with the Allegra I took earlier in the day. My head still feels like a crockpot without a pressure valve. I feel hot from the inside out, but my skin is relatively cool.
Last night dancing I spent a lot of time on the sideline watching/being watched and thinking about where I am. Joey Goodgome was at RAGE and that's a name that takes me back to first coming out and dancing out OZZ. There was this time at OZZ when he was having his 21st b-day and I must've been 18 or 19. He was completely drunk and I had thought he was so cute on the dancefloor for so long and started talking with him. Back then, my naive & dream-filled mind thought it was this momentous event when he kissed me. Last night, flashing that memory next to the person he's become--not much different--made me realize how different I am.
I'm 8 months into my relationship and this is the time when I have previously found or looked for reasons to be single again. In actualality what I've done in the past is use existing reasons as excuses to exit the relationships. I remember with Lanny there was the reasoning of me not knowing whether I wanted to remain in a relationship--a way of deferring blame to myself rather than some action or behavior of his. While that reason was valid, it was immature in its development. I realized while @ RAGE that I will always have people looking at me and I will always be recognizing attraction. It's the action taken or not that is important, not the impulse that is an autonomic reflex. I'm still growing. That naive kid still plays with the infinite possibilities outside of the innocent box that it grew in. I like that. I'd be afraid if my imagination someday shorted and my life became WYSIWYG.
Some other thoughts...... Yeah, typos are a piece of life so get used to them. I think some people might have a misconception of what this journal does for me. It is not a way that I can indirectly communicate with others in my life. These words are written with the basic idea that they are for MYSELF. This is my space. These are my engrams pieced out as well as I can translate myself to myself in the hope that I will learn something in the long run and have a history of how I shaped who I am. YES, there are personal matters of my life as well as other people's lives, but the intention is not for the words here to usurp, negate, or supercede those that I would say face to face to someone. The fact that there are thoughts listed here in print doesn't necessarily mean that I want to discuss them in person. (It doesn't mean that I don't.) It simply means that I'm thinking them, I'm contemplating them, I'm cutting & pasting them, I'm reliving them. It's mine...
It was interesting to me to read that one year ago today I was basically sick with the same symptoms that I'm experiencing right now. The doctor seems to think that it may be allergies. Hmm...seems logical. He also feels that I have high blood pressure. =( It is in the family.... so the next two weeks is my attempt to restructure eating, exercise & natural remedies. Bannanas anyone?
I'm due for another glass of water. Ahh... life's sweet juice....haha
Friday, August 10, 2001
Wednesday, August 08, 2001
blood type
THIS THOUGHT RIGHT NOW
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
I'm like....yeah, you know? And then, sometimes, it's like--that funny feeling that jumps out at me; hmm. So I was thinking....and then it got away from me and I thought, oh yeah!! What a freak.
OKAY, THE NEXT THOUGHT
It's so late, and I'm so not tired, and I so think that using the word "so" again would be so redundant, but so satisfying for this mood. Silly. There is this inescapable truth to psychological patterns, molds, connections. The reasons why one type of person is drawn toward another. Jeremy Woods, Randy Avery, & Lanny Brown all had problems when it came to alcohol. Problems that I have watched them grow through & resolve (save Jeremy) but nonetheless I was drawn to them at the times when they were heavy into the alcohol. I'm afraid of that pattern with Randy (present). I think it's a purely unconscious attraction on my part, but as I'm more keen on seeing it, it becomes ever more conscious. As I type I can hear Randy seemingly talking to himself in the bedroom.
EARLIER TONIGHT
Nathan & I had a great dinner tonight. I feel like he's let me a little more into the realm of what he's dealing with and as I'm more a part of that, I feel less shunned. We carried the night over to Mickey's where the music was surprisingly phenomenal and the eye candy spring fresh....haha. We went back to my car for me to towel off (drenched as I was) and to take a breather. There was a message from Randy on my voice mail that Bobby & Joey were coming over to keep him company so we decided to go home to see them.
NOW BACK TO RIGHT NOW
Bobby & Joey have left to go home. I miss spending as much time with them as I used to. They live in Riverside and the distance is some of the factor, but also, the fact that I don't go out and dance as often on Thursday Nights with them cuts down on when I see them. It's all okay....in the end I know that things are as they are for a reason, though it may elude me today. They're my little brothers and they always will be.
I didn't intend on a book tonight, but there is a lot on my mind an I haven't really scratched the surface.
asdfjkl;, asdfjkl;, aqa, aza, sws, ded, juj, kik, lol, ;p;, and these are the fingers lessons I learned that for some reason just popped into my head.
goodnight.... j.r.me
Friday, August 03, 2001
window typing
808 State? In my youth so many eons ago I seem to remember that 808 had something to do with a music group name.
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Cloning fraud is what we're supposed to be learning about right now, however, our "Subject Matter Expert" seems to think that each of us needs to have a copy of the paperwork, so she's out copying while we're sitting here bored to death. (Again) Well. Maybe death is a bit extreme. I still feel my pulse waking me now & again.
Training ends today. I really want to go out and dance. Who to find to go? Where to go? I had a hard time sleeping last night. I think it's because Nathan didn't come home. I woke up several times.
Oh, and yes, I definitely remember now, I AM half Asian. Love ya Randy.
j.r.me
Thursday, August 02, 2001
learning
Sitting here in training, I'm remembering the feeling of being in school again. I'm staring into space, bored because it doesn't move fast enough. I don't think it ever can.
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
I was reading some of the other diaries on here yesterday when I got home from work. There was a very bad vibe at home and to clear the air I tried to focus on other people's lives. A pseudo-escape into real life/pseudo-fiction lives of others. It wasn't really working, so Randy & I went to school to see why our registration was halted. Ahh, schoolastic bureaucracy.
So we're on a break now. The trainers are discussing their schedule for tomorrow, a couple other technicians are talking about taxing churches and here I am in the corner of the building, staring out the window of the second floor, watching the smokers down below. Gray is starting to leave. The sun in finally burning through. My reflection is in the window and I'm watching my fingers race across the keyboard. I don't think I've every done that before, watched my own fingers on the keyboard through a reflection. It's almost confusing.
But hey....I'm bored, not confused. I think I'm half Asian too. Bye bye.
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 24, 2001
Friday, July 20, 2001
fantasy..haha
"The Sounds Of Nature..."
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
I'm watching Holly for the next couple days. Not really watching, just checking in on and feeding. Animals, like children, have an adept sense of remembering people and how they treat them.
In writing the last few times, I've thought about the concept of a writer's date with his/herself. It's a concept that was proposed to me in a gift that Mark gave me one year. I actually tried doing it a few times, but never really stuck with it. I think the hard part for me is just going out by myself to places, events, areas. It's more difficult now being involved, but sitting here waiting for the cable guy and being alone I'm reminded that I should probably try.
So the cable guy comes....hahahaha. I guess the reality is what I get for having some half-cocked porno fantasy of what the cable guy "might" have looked like. Yeah, we all know that I wouldn't be doing anything anyway, but it doesn't mean that the creation of fantasy doesn't happen anyway. Short, bald, 10 o'clock shadow, heavyset & a thick Middle Eastern accent was definitly not in the script.
Okay, waiting for some more songs to download on Aimster and then off to the bank. I was left word by Randy this morning that Nathan has cancelled on me for hanging out today. I don't know why yet but it's not a good sign that plans are not being followed through. I hope he's using the time for something worthwhile.
I spent last night with Randy C. & Linda. I hadn't been to Randy's in quite some time. Still looks the same. Same comfortable couches, same bushy haired cats, same wine drinking Linda. What happens to us as we're forming to cause us to be so shut off and hard to read? I relate to Randy in this way and in silence I somehow feel close.
Alas, not close enough to fill this gap I have right now. Well...we'll see. I have tennis this evening with D.R. and the rest of the night with Humbee. Tomorrow work, Sunday beach, Monday-Friday training. And where am I?
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Being Straight
I never really reflected too much about my Viagra experience. It wasn't that BIG a deal. =) Imagine not having control over a part of your body and no matter what you thought about or tried to cloud your mind with once stimulated, you're stiff.
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Granted I probably shouldn't have tried the entire 100mg, but even a lesser dose may not be something that I'd want to try in the future. I could feel my body temperature change for sure, something I am not generally looking to happen. It was even more intense than a standard roll which doesn't so much raise the temperature of my body as it does my heart rate.
I'm a little more than half way through the day and still haven't done anything. The laziness has been nice, but now I think I'll actually go do some laundry, some more hygenic stuff, maybe I should eat too.
j.r.me
Monday, July 16, 2001
Maybe I'll Walk
This computer has been running more slowly lately so I've been spending the last hour going through unnecessary programs and files and clearing space on the hard drive. I'd like to reboot right now, but I'm waiting for files to get downloaded on AIMSTER, my new Napster replacement. I was having withdrawls.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Randy is off to have dinner with the parents. There was an open invite, but I'm in no mood to deal with his parents. I'm not really in a mood to deal with anyone right now. Stay clear. =)
I'm allowing myself to really dwell right now. Dangerous only because it stirs doubts into frenzy bugs, buzz buzz buzzing. Moral absolutes are easy, but lack the color and zest that I'd like to see in my life.
Money would help too...but after cutting off $13k a year I'm still afloat. The impending BK hearing on Thursday does play something into my mood right now. I believe the past arguement was something about taking responsibility and being accountable for one's actions. I'm sure there are much better things in the world to beat myself up about, but this is it, here & now, and I have to lay this to rest soon.
I mentioned before how I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I thought about using the company's (VZW's) EAP program, but that's not really the kind of talking I want right now. I'm longing for that deep closeness of someone that I genuinely feel close to; not the remnant closeness of someone that I once shared much with but now we fumble around latching onto past moments.
Maybe I'll walk.
Thursday, July 12, 2001
intensity
Angry noises start off my home tonight. The silent ones are the loudest. As the week has been wearing on, I'm growing more and more drained. I haven't been doing well at getting to bed at that midnight goal. Maybe if it were more of a competition... lol
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
My transitioning from departments at work is turning out to be more bleak than I had initially thought. The antiquated machinery that I'll be using is going to frustrate me. My "cube" neighbor is one of those disgustingly fake nice people who sounds like she's been doped up on Prozac or an equivalent anti-depressant. Of course, she has a Customer ACE award right at her desk. Puke.
Even though I may look for another job, I probably won't actually go through with interviewing quite yet. I have to give this transition a try. How does a week sound? Honestly, I'll probably remain through the end of the year and then look for a supervisor position within the organization. By then, I'll have finished another semester of school and boy how smart will that make me.
Smirnoff Ice. Kinda tastes like lemonade. It's mighty good at first, but then my breathing becomes impaired by the way it makes my nasal passages get all stuffy.
I have to be up by 7:30am so I can take my car into the Acura dealership and have the CD player looked at. Lube lube lube... Of course, I'm not tired.
So yeah, this weak has been long so far. I don't really feel that I have anyone anymore to talk about the things in my life to. I don't feel close to anyone in particular and to some degree, I feel like I've gotten so used to relying on myself again that the need to share thoughts has not been so urgent. In trusting my instincts right now, I don't feel like sharing. I feel I should just sort this out in my head and then be. Aye aye aye...this is how it should be for now.
Randy and Nathan are not getting along. Hehehe. Serves me fucking right for not listening to myself back in March. I was in such a hurry to get out of my mother's place that I chose risk against instinct. Instinct said that Nathan had a drug problem that I did not want to get pulled into. Instinct told me that even though everyone liked Randy, that a repeat of what happened with Laney would be in my future. (A repeat in terms of the relationship being somewhat non-harmonious to a triad living situation.) I wanted a new start in my own place again. Here we are.
I know that the two of them are jealous of each other when one gets to spend time with me. Shit, I'm jealous, because I can't hardly get a moment to breathe by myself anymore. Even these moments to write are spent in a small heat of guilt for not going to bed instead, but oh well. I'm entitled. I'm remaining as neutral and out of the feud as possible. A part of me wants to sit down and say, "Look boys, we all have to live here and I'm tired of this." but I know that right now I haven't the energy, that I'm bothered that they can't deal with their own emotions directly and decisively so that my home harmony is not disrupted. That's a bigger issue in itself....a peaceful home, something I've always worked at attaining.
I've been thinking about my grandmother a lot lately, but not in direct picturing her thoughts. I think as I start to tire and look for support, she is always in the recesses of my support system. I'm no Saint, but my expectations of people must be through the roof with the way I feel let down. It's not necessarily true that people have done anything to me directly, but it's that empathic emotion that runs through the common energies connecting us. I feel this ugly deception, denial, death surging through and maybe that's what has me down lately. I wonder if I let others down. I am perhaps not as giving of myself and this could be their interpretation of a "let down?" ...I was just on YAHOO and not just there but many places you have categories for people that have the basics: SINGLE, MARRIED, DIVORICED.... but all too common is also, MARRIED, BUT LOOKING. Infedilty sucks man...it blows a cactus w/out lube. And I don't know how big I really am.
I started writing an hour ago. I keep pausing to go through DanceSafe mail, websites, and try to collect from the pool that is my head. Come what may.
If you smile someday
Shady sandpaper might smooth you over
Disguising it's grip in lotion
the candle wax hardening, not dripping away.
But not every smile is sadness
sometimes the tears are rivers free
making green the tiny seeded ground
making green
j.r.me
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
tires
People talk of change as if it builds up and then unleashes itself in this huge explosion. I think that's just the visible spectrum, like light. There is always something changing, always something more.
j.r.me
j.r.me
