CAR CHALLENGED:
I have a knack for hitting guard rails and center dividers. First in rain on a freeway onramp in Sacramento by myself when a truck in front of me spun out of control so I swerved to avoid hitting him, then in traffic on the 105 FWY after picking up Philip from LAX w/Tom House in the car, another time at night from the 15FWY Southbound transitioning to the 60FWY Westbound there was a semi truck stopped on the curved merge lane and I swerved into the wall at the last minute instead of hitting the truch. (Bobby & Joey were with me for that one.) Early Monday morning on the 29th, I was flying through Carbon Canyon to get to work on time when the fog obscured the sharpness of a turn and I--for lack of elegant terms--"eat it."
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Saturday, September 27, 2003
Clearing the Fog
I see myself as this really good person sometimes. Like... not good in the sense that I'm a saint, but good in that I think I'm a good role model in how people should treat one another. When I'm online talking to people, there's a kindness in me that surfaces. Whether I'm interested in the person or simply chatting I try to be kind. I want to be....
Then there is the banter in chat rooms where I can be caddy; sarcastic. It's a side of me that is playful---more so with friends. It's a side that likes to play rough. Never with intention of hurting someone. I love making people feel good. I like it when I kiss someone and can feel the pleasure in the pressure being pressed back from their lips. I love seeing that deep smile in their eyes. I love hearing the breathing and slight sounds from every light touch of my fingers over their body as well as louder and harder friction as temperatures rise.
So this last week it's been hard to keep with my "nun vows." LoL. I still don't want to actually fuck with strangers, but sex drive has started to increase exponentially. Some people have asked why I'm avoiding sex on purpose and really it's quite simple: I don't derive any pleasure from random fucking. I don't enjoy it because I'm not mentally connected with the person. Anything other than fucking I can get myself in the mind frame, but that's just a level that I haven't really been able to share since Randy and probably won't until the next guy that I love comes into the piture.
The picture. It's definitely impressionism at this point and I'm only standing about five feet away still trying to focus on specifics. I'm slowly walking backwards. Things begin to come into focus. I'm not sure that I like everything that I see. There are intense connections to people that I have allowed to be suppressed over the years. I think of chuck and Lanny. Although I don't want to, Randy is there too. The fact that all these people are surfacing lets me know that all I ever really did when things ended was move on without understanding why I sought out the chaos of our togetherness. Why I still think about it. There's a level of alertness and knowing that I'm alive in feeling rage. It's not all rage though, alas, it can't be. Now I'm standing 10 feet away and I see the outline of the blueprint and I'm agast that this is the way I was built. Remodeling so expensive and I'm over-extended on my emotional loans.
So I tried experimenting this week with incorporating the blueprint into my sex life. It was interesting. My sense is that if I were to submit to this lifestyle of bondage, domination & submission---it would be accepting that the blueprint is not going to change and that I am victim to it's struture. Admittedly, there is some solace to this thought. Relief almost. But I also know how much I can't stay living one particular way for long periods. In simulating submissiveness I replayed what was going on in my head---slow motion style---being a child and powerless to the things in my life. All I wanted was tenderness...and in the midst of my interaction this week, I saw how the relationship between master/slave, boy/man, etc... works because there is that tenderness somehow shown in it's very specific way.
It's not the kind I want... I will just play the kink every once in a while with a cool, compatible cat. =)
40 minutes left at work. I really should go home and sleep but I'm starting to get all worked up again.... lol. Life. Life. life....
Then there is the banter in chat rooms where I can be caddy; sarcastic. It's a side of me that is playful---more so with friends. It's a side that likes to play rough. Never with intention of hurting someone. I love making people feel good. I like it when I kiss someone and can feel the pleasure in the pressure being pressed back from their lips. I love seeing that deep smile in their eyes. I love hearing the breathing and slight sounds from every light touch of my fingers over their body as well as louder and harder friction as temperatures rise.
So this last week it's been hard to keep with my "nun vows." LoL. I still don't want to actually fuck with strangers, but sex drive has started to increase exponentially. Some people have asked why I'm avoiding sex on purpose and really it's quite simple: I don't derive any pleasure from random fucking. I don't enjoy it because I'm not mentally connected with the person. Anything other than fucking I can get myself in the mind frame, but that's just a level that I haven't really been able to share since Randy and probably won't until the next guy that I love comes into the piture.
The picture. It's definitely impressionism at this point and I'm only standing about five feet away still trying to focus on specifics. I'm slowly walking backwards. Things begin to come into focus. I'm not sure that I like everything that I see. There are intense connections to people that I have allowed to be suppressed over the years. I think of chuck and Lanny. Although I don't want to, Randy is there too. The fact that all these people are surfacing lets me know that all I ever really did when things ended was move on without understanding why I sought out the chaos of our togetherness. Why I still think about it. There's a level of alertness and knowing that I'm alive in feeling rage. It's not all rage though, alas, it can't be. Now I'm standing 10 feet away and I see the outline of the blueprint and I'm agast that this is the way I was built. Remodeling so expensive and I'm over-extended on my emotional loans.
So I tried experimenting this week with incorporating the blueprint into my sex life. It was interesting. My sense is that if I were to submit to this lifestyle of bondage, domination & submission---it would be accepting that the blueprint is not going to change and that I am victim to it's struture. Admittedly, there is some solace to this thought. Relief almost. But I also know how much I can't stay living one particular way for long periods. In simulating submissiveness I replayed what was going on in my head---slow motion style---being a child and powerless to the things in my life. All I wanted was tenderness...and in the midst of my interaction this week, I saw how the relationship between master/slave, boy/man, etc... works because there is that tenderness somehow shown in it's very specific way.
It's not the kind I want... I will just play the kink every once in a while with a cool, compatible cat. =)
40 minutes left at work. I really should go home and sleep but I'm starting to get all worked up again.... lol. Life. Life. life....
Monday, September 22, 2003
Ramble Bramble
Yesterday I took part in Gary & Chris' day of joy. It was a beautiful sunset on Crystal Cove state beach. We couldn't hear a word of what was being spoken over the crashing waves, but somehow it wasn't the words that were important, only the gathering of friends and family to be part of the public joining of their two lives. I saw a gay couple with a little baby and I felt that feeling that I'm sure my mom has when she sees a baby. I wanted one. I saw people I used to work with at Ingram Micro. I saw people from PFLAG. I met new people that I will probably never see again. My attempt at being "social" went over well, I think. It turns out that I'm actually very hospitable when I wish to be.
I think 100mg is too much so I'm cutting myself back to 50mg today. I find that although not really as depressed, I'm just lying around not doing anything. This makes the happy little love chubs "roll" with pleasure. It's really disgusting me so I must act.
When I don't want to deal with something or someone I just avoid them. I think I've done this with this guy Scott at work because I'm not exacty sure what to do.
I was being bad online last night. (I think) You know how certain drugs have the opposite effect on certain people than what it normally would on most? Like the way some drugs are supposed to make one drowsy and it actually amps up other people. Alcohol seems to be that way for me. I'm what is classically known as a "happy drunk." I laugh, dance, become more friendly---although still sharply stating what's on my mind if I feel like it. The day after some in depth drinking session I'm usually very cheery, polite. All this morning at work I've been extra up-beat on my calls. I don't know why this is. It was the same on ecstasy... while others have these major mood swing come downs immediately following and in the days after, I would always spring up from sleep refreshed and never felt any lows afterward. Jeremy chemistry 101.
So anyway, being bad. I was talking to Jayson & Christian and I invited them to Tuesday nights. I was also talking to Mitch. I was talking to Joe. I was talking to Chuck.
Rey's b-day party was on Saturday Night. It was a carnival of drama and I was happy to sit back and watch the show. A guy named Marty was obsessed with me. Beer bongs chug chugged in the backyard. Jeremy & Chuck kissed. Chuck & Eddie spent too much time together. James and Eddie fought and James left. A boy named Andy was beautiful, but when I asked what school he went to his response was, "I'm currently in home school in the Long Beach School District." Aye!
I'm going to "Monday Night Supper Club" tonight. It's something different... so I'm trying it.
Jonathan is a nice guy that I've met in the last week, but I still don't think that I'm ready to date and I don't know that he's all that interested in me anyway. I had wicked dreams yesterday... I woke up trying to fathom everything, but it was all jumbled & weird. All that's left in my memory now is a sense that the dreams were a prelude to some sort of change that is near. How I know that---I don't know. It's what I sense and it's that eerie feeling.
Not having I think is starting to get to me.
I think 100mg is too much so I'm cutting myself back to 50mg today. I find that although not really as depressed, I'm just lying around not doing anything. This makes the happy little love chubs "roll" with pleasure. It's really disgusting me so I must act.
When I don't want to deal with something or someone I just avoid them. I think I've done this with this guy Scott at work because I'm not exacty sure what to do.
I was being bad online last night. (I think) You know how certain drugs have the opposite effect on certain people than what it normally would on most? Like the way some drugs are supposed to make one drowsy and it actually amps up other people. Alcohol seems to be that way for me. I'm what is classically known as a "happy drunk." I laugh, dance, become more friendly---although still sharply stating what's on my mind if I feel like it. The day after some in depth drinking session I'm usually very cheery, polite. All this morning at work I've been extra up-beat on my calls. I don't know why this is. It was the same on ecstasy... while others have these major mood swing come downs immediately following and in the days after, I would always spring up from sleep refreshed and never felt any lows afterward. Jeremy chemistry 101.
So anyway, being bad. I was talking to Jayson & Christian and I invited them to Tuesday nights. I was also talking to Mitch. I was talking to Joe. I was talking to Chuck.
Rey's b-day party was on Saturday Night. It was a carnival of drama and I was happy to sit back and watch the show. A guy named Marty was obsessed with me. Beer bongs chug chugged in the backyard. Jeremy & Chuck kissed. Chuck & Eddie spent too much time together. James and Eddie fought and James left. A boy named Andy was beautiful, but when I asked what school he went to his response was, "I'm currently in home school in the Long Beach School District." Aye!
I'm going to "Monday Night Supper Club" tonight. It's something different... so I'm trying it.
Jonathan is a nice guy that I've met in the last week, but I still don't think that I'm ready to date and I don't know that he's all that interested in me anyway. I had wicked dreams yesterday... I woke up trying to fathom everything, but it was all jumbled & weird. All that's left in my memory now is a sense that the dreams were a prelude to some sort of change that is near. How I know that---I don't know. It's what I sense and it's that eerie feeling.
Not having I think is starting to get to me.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Revelations 2.0
5:16am I'm surprisingly alert right now. Not 45 minutes before coming into work tonight I was sitting on the couch at home eating Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream and ready to close my eyes and drift into slumber. Now, 3 1/2 hours later, I'm having ideas and writing e-mails to people.
I have a committment ceremony that I'm going to on Sunday. I've never been to one before. It's for Gary & his boyfriend/partner, Chris. I've decided to write them a poem as a gift. Hahahaha... a poem about love and committment and a life together from a soul that is still healing.
I wonder what I would've been like had certain events not happened to carve out a very defensive and anti-authoritarian side to my personality. It's always on guard. Even in recent years when I have tamed this side, it operates in the background of my mind like a computer program that is always running but you never notice. I have such passionate surges of desire and equally strong curiosities of things I sense. There is anger that has been cornered and caged. There is rational and irrational tugging--- and aye, I feel heat that hasn't flashed in many weeks.
I have a committment ceremony that I'm going to on Sunday. I've never been to one before. It's for Gary & his boyfriend/partner, Chris. I've decided to write them a poem as a gift. Hahahaha... a poem about love and committment and a life together from a soul that is still healing.
I wonder what I would've been like had certain events not happened to carve out a very defensive and anti-authoritarian side to my personality. It's always on guard. Even in recent years when I have tamed this side, it operates in the background of my mind like a computer program that is always running but you never notice. I have such passionate surges of desire and equally strong curiosities of things I sense. There is anger that has been cornered and caged. There is rational and irrational tugging--- and aye, I feel heat that hasn't flashed in many weeks.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
What a drag
Why do Asians drag their feet? I don't mean figuratively because the stereotype is that they are quite efficient and productive... I mean LITERALLY... drag their feet? That sound of shoes, flip-flops, sandles... shhhck shhhck-ing on the ground.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Lunchtime Nap Dream
the old gray van... hills... muddy roads... houses in the hills.. new housing track.... sluggish response to drivign the van...very slow movement... hit a parked car and I stopped when I saw that the driver was in the car....didn't see any damage, but wanted to have the van pulled up next to the car so we could see, I turned the van around and brought it next to the car and a piece of another vehicle was on the van but when trying to match it up to the car it did not match.
Inside of a mansion house... trying to escape. Helping others to get out. Pushing some type of furniture... sluggish, like the van was. Made it to the ground floor where training classes, like corporate trainings were going on in different rooms. Rooms reminded me of hotel style conference rooms. Each had state of the art presentation equipment and people were dressed very businesslike. I followed a woman who was supposed to be helping me into the room but she told me that I could be there and sent me back to the lobby.
Inside of a mansion house... trying to escape. Helping others to get out. Pushing some type of furniture... sluggish, like the van was. Made it to the ground floor where training classes, like corporate trainings were going on in different rooms. Rooms reminded me of hotel style conference rooms. Each had state of the art presentation equipment and people were dressed very businesslike. I followed a woman who was supposed to be helping me into the room but she told me that I could be there and sent me back to the lobby.
Friday, September 12, 2003
Passing Away
What does it say when your trick has to come back to your door and ring the doorbell at 8am to get a jump because he left the lights on and his car won't start?
In my late teens, stress was always physically manifested in my lower back. The height of the pain was when I was 19 and moving to Sacramento. I was playing tennis with Arturo and my back completely gave out on me. Nowadays, the stress settles in my lower neck and shoulders. It limits my range of motion tilting my head side to side.
It's Friday. My Monday. 9am. Two hours to go and then I'm home to sleep. I feel drained. I was wide awake when I started working. I took my dose around the time that I started work and I think that it may have started the sleepies around 6:30am. I'll play with the dose again tomorrow and try taking it around 8 so that I can be sleepy by 12.
In my late teens, stress was always physically manifested in my lower back. The height of the pain was when I was 19 and moving to Sacramento. I was playing tennis with Arturo and my back completely gave out on me. Nowadays, the stress settles in my lower neck and shoulders. It limits my range of motion tilting my head side to side.
It's Friday. My Monday. 9am. Two hours to go and then I'm home to sleep. I feel drained. I was wide awake when I started working. I took my dose around the time that I started work and I think that it may have started the sleepies around 6:30am. I'll play with the dose again tomorrow and try taking it around 8 so that I can be sleepy by 12.
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
I am a mountain
The bruise is completely gone now. It faded sometime overnight because I saw it yesterday before I went out. I don't heal as fast as I used to. This will get progressively worse, I know.
Today I found myself online a lot. I got home from Matt's and took my vitamins with some green tea. I napped. I went back online. I was reading people's profiles more than anything. I'm still searching for that connectedness and realized that I've isolated myself so much lately from how hurt I've been. I've been very afraid just to be "out" and open. I'm protecting myself the only way I've known how for so long, but it has it's failings.
Matt told me yesterday that I'm more "moral" than most people. Although I think it, I've never had anyone tell me that before. I have a perspective of a perfect world where no one deceives, no one inflicts pain, no one bruises the heart and soul of another because they know to do so is to hurt themselves. The standards that I try to hold myself to and live by I know I impose on others subconsciously. On the surface I want to be open-minded and allow for whatever lifestyle makes one happy without hurting another, but I know that certain choices of life are shrouded in a picture of happiness that will run as soon as the first splash of water hits it. The happines fades away... and the picture perfect lives turn out to be hollow sketches.
I have little motivation these days than that of sitting at the beach. Eating. Laughing with friends. Maybe that's everything to life as I see it.
Today I found myself online a lot. I got home from Matt's and took my vitamins with some green tea. I napped. I went back online. I was reading people's profiles more than anything. I'm still searching for that connectedness and realized that I've isolated myself so much lately from how hurt I've been. I've been very afraid just to be "out" and open. I'm protecting myself the only way I've known how for so long, but it has it's failings.
Matt told me yesterday that I'm more "moral" than most people. Although I think it, I've never had anyone tell me that before. I have a perspective of a perfect world where no one deceives, no one inflicts pain, no one bruises the heart and soul of another because they know to do so is to hurt themselves. The standards that I try to hold myself to and live by I know I impose on others subconsciously. On the surface I want to be open-minded and allow for whatever lifestyle makes one happy without hurting another, but I know that certain choices of life are shrouded in a picture of happiness that will run as soon as the first splash of water hits it. The happines fades away... and the picture perfect lives turn out to be hollow sketches.
I have little motivation these days than that of sitting at the beach. Eating. Laughing with friends. Maybe that's everything to life as I see it.
Thursday, September 04, 2003
Connecting the Disconnects
Some entries ago I mentioned the significance of friendster.com connections. The same significance would tie into the photographs pinned on the cube wall in front of me. In the months after Randy and I ended and before I started on anti-depressants I withdrew from everyone. I felt little to no connections with them. Since May, I've not been as withdrawn, but the meaningful connections with people have felt scarce. I thought if I could physically "SEE" the people I would be more apt to actually feel something. Sometimes this works. On friendster.com it goes one step further to actually show a string of connections.
But just because I can show a connection doesn't mean that I feel it. I'm related by blood to my family, but sometimes they're more distant than anyone in my life. It's painful to have connections erased, removed, shifted. When they fade or disappear, I feel that. The parts of me that feel that loss then thicken like calloused skin. Eventually, there is nothing left to feel because I have "saved" or prevented myself from feeling bad at all. But this creates its own pain....the pain of having no one--or at least feeling such.
In the past couple weeks I've opened doors to the past that I closed because it was right to do so at the time. In feeling the warmth toward these people I know that it's just me fishing for feeling at all. Yes, true I do have those feelings, but simply having them does not warrant overriding the intellectual part of me that knows why I keep the feelings at bay. To love is not enough. (Even if in my heart I wish it were.)
Last night we had another Bravo Tuesday. It was fun to me when it first started, but I was happy to see most of the people go last night. To be honest, I think part of it had to do with that it was a nice time to share with Ryan and I've lost that. Yet another example of my head knowing what is right and my heart not letting go.
Chuck bruised my right forearm. It looks bad, but there's no pain around it. I spent Sunday, Monday & Tuesday at the beach. I baked in the gray skies. We can comfort each other and point out flaws but we seem not to have any middle ground. Two broken pieces do not make something whole.
Nathan came down for the weekend. Friday night we were out in West Hollywood and it was nice to enjoy the time with him. Saturday Night was an impromptu trip to the Cher concert. Haha...I must be gay if the first concert I went to in high school was Kenny G and the 2nd concert was over 10 years later for Cher. I enjoyed the lawn seating at the pavilion. Lesbian Land. We never knew she had such a following. When the concert was over, we had seen "Dan" from Bravo's "Boy Meets Boy," drank way too much Smirnoff Ice and danced in the dirt-field parking to Art's best CD. A completely fun night for me. Now that Nathan has gone back home, I'm adjusting again.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I started 100mg of Zoloft. I was supposed to have been up to this level a couple weeks ago, but I maintained at 75mg for a bit longer to allow my body time to adjust. Here's a thought... I haven't partied since March. Six months now. This is the longest period of time that I've abstained since starting four years ago. The party scene I became tired with for sure. I'd have to say that the desire to reach the deep place of seeing inside myself has been a feeling that I've wanted to satiate a few times in the last several months. I'm not sure if it's the knowledge that I simply can't and it would be a waste of money or if I just don't want it that I haven't. On the anti-depressants, there are moments when I feel like I felt on E the day after or after the peak when yawning or clenching my jaw. Nowhere near as strong, but similar. No big surprise seeing as each drug is acting upon the same area of the brain.
This turned out to be a much longer entry than I thought it would. I never know what I'm going to say. Sometimes I feel like there's a lot to let out and only a few sentences get out. Today, it was just the opposite.
I still feel very disconnected.
But just because I can show a connection doesn't mean that I feel it. I'm related by blood to my family, but sometimes they're more distant than anyone in my life. It's painful to have connections erased, removed, shifted. When they fade or disappear, I feel that. The parts of me that feel that loss then thicken like calloused skin. Eventually, there is nothing left to feel because I have "saved" or prevented myself from feeling bad at all. But this creates its own pain....the pain of having no one--or at least feeling such.
In the past couple weeks I've opened doors to the past that I closed because it was right to do so at the time. In feeling the warmth toward these people I know that it's just me fishing for feeling at all. Yes, true I do have those feelings, but simply having them does not warrant overriding the intellectual part of me that knows why I keep the feelings at bay. To love is not enough. (Even if in my heart I wish it were.)
Last night we had another Bravo Tuesday. It was fun to me when it first started, but I was happy to see most of the people go last night. To be honest, I think part of it had to do with that it was a nice time to share with Ryan and I've lost that. Yet another example of my head knowing what is right and my heart not letting go.
Chuck bruised my right forearm. It looks bad, but there's no pain around it. I spent Sunday, Monday & Tuesday at the beach. I baked in the gray skies. We can comfort each other and point out flaws but we seem not to have any middle ground. Two broken pieces do not make something whole.
Nathan came down for the weekend. Friday night we were out in West Hollywood and it was nice to enjoy the time with him. Saturday Night was an impromptu trip to the Cher concert. Haha...I must be gay if the first concert I went to in high school was Kenny G and the 2nd concert was over 10 years later for Cher. I enjoyed the lawn seating at the pavilion. Lesbian Land. We never knew she had such a following. When the concert was over, we had seen "Dan" from Bravo's "Boy Meets Boy," drank way too much Smirnoff Ice and danced in the dirt-field parking to Art's best CD. A completely fun night for me. Now that Nathan has gone back home, I'm adjusting again.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I started 100mg of Zoloft. I was supposed to have been up to this level a couple weeks ago, but I maintained at 75mg for a bit longer to allow my body time to adjust. Here's a thought... I haven't partied since March. Six months now. This is the longest period of time that I've abstained since starting four years ago. The party scene I became tired with for sure. I'd have to say that the desire to reach the deep place of seeing inside myself has been a feeling that I've wanted to satiate a few times in the last several months. I'm not sure if it's the knowledge that I simply can't and it would be a waste of money or if I just don't want it that I haven't. On the anti-depressants, there are moments when I feel like I felt on E the day after or after the peak when yawning or clenching my jaw. Nowhere near as strong, but similar. No big surprise seeing as each drug is acting upon the same area of the brain.
This turned out to be a much longer entry than I thought it would. I never know what I'm going to say. Sometimes I feel like there's a lot to let out and only a few sentences get out. Today, it was just the opposite.
I still feel very disconnected.
Monday, September 01, 2003
Beach Brainstorm
What type of transmission have I been sending to the receivers around me? As I lay on the beach by myself, chewing chunks of fruit and listening to my music. Bouncing my head to the beat. It's Ali's CD. I'm trying not to amke it too loud--I don't want to be a typical fag today--although shirtless on the beach is pretty much jumping on the bandwagon. The bleed of the pen has me writing differently. Crunchy fruit with sticky tropical juice on my fingers. So hungry. I want someone to be next to me an cuddling like last night. It was really nice to be laying next to him again. Why can't he & I get our shit together individually or together. We just keep bumping in the vast darkness of our closed eyes. I wish I could fly fly away. I should run some today. Before Work. Yes yes. I should.
