There is a certain type of pain that is felt when you know that you are not going to achieve an expectation that you have conceived in your head. It's a pain that has no outlet for blame other than your own feeble hopes and leaves you standing alone.... it's the feeling of love that I still have toward Randy Thomas... and it's the feeling of lust I have toward Edwyn Michael. It's a feeling that is unable to be stopped, but always controled and done so for the ultimate honing of sanity. I hope that someday I will pass these feelings like I do that of breathing and blinking. Autonomic.
Until then....I feel them inside and they radiate. The feeling is both euphoric and painful. One day it will balance to like Ph.
Sunday, February 29, 2004
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
The Making of Mycroft
Jewel - "Standing Still"
We express so much in life without ever speaking. Music helps us many times. We latch onto something that someone else managed to find the words to describe a feeling that many of us may have. In this particular song I hear at the moment my mind clings to... "Do you need me, like I need you? Or am I standing still? With the scenery flying by?..." But even when songs don't have words there is a sense that the sound itself evokes imagery within us. I've known for a long time that not everyone has the capability to interpret those sounds, and the evolution of this thought is that I find myself at square one when it comes to etiquette among humans. I can't speak every thought in my head and my standard for others to read non-verbal cues is, as always, the utmost highest standard because I hold myself to it.
Expose - "Your Baby Never Looked Good In Blue"
The player is on random. Funny, one might think that it's honed in on my specific brain wave patterns.
I've spent the morning in cleaning and sleeping meditation. In my sleep I allow my subconscious to flood my head and when I awake I try and work through whatever feeling I have and find some way of being "okay" for today, tomorrow, the next week. The black & white part of me--the logic, says that there is no point being around people who can't return the same level of respect and integrity that you would put out. Granted, there are personality differences among all of us, but there are always groups of common thought that one can choose to be in and I have clearly not made that type of next with my group of friends. ((Because I can't)) It would be boring and ultimately not what I want out of friendship---for us to be clones of ideology and lifestyle.
Elliot Smith - "Between The Bars"
(dead...how sad)
"Drink up baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again, between the bars. When I'm seeing you there, with your arms in the air.... drink up one more time and I'll make you mine..." The song is so full of pain and sung beautifully. I originally heard it in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I had the soundtrack before I gifted that all away years ago.
Lustral - "Everytime"
The version of this song that I have I just recently heard on a CD that Cardwell had in his car. We were out somewhere last week and the song came on and it took me back to sitting in my Randy's old big blue chair with him. We would listen to the song and watch the screen colors to Jet or Acid. "Can you hear me talking in my mind? I can feel you, you're with me all the time. There's a warm sky, covering the night. In the darkness, I only feel the light. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face. Everytime I close my eyes. I see your face...." I see many faces, and listening to the song usually ends in wiping the tears from my own. This is a perfect example of a song evoking something in me that simply talking cannot do. I hold so much back anyway. Where did I hear before that you don't choose your friends, your friends choose you. What the fuck is that? Of course you choose your friends. True, they choose you back.
The Streets - "Too Much Brandy"
"In its own little way my body was trying to say that you better stop drinking brandy." hahahahahaha... I think my body has been telling me to lay off the alcohol lately. Had no such fun drinking on Friday, Saturday, Sunday or last night. Each night I made a conscious choice to stop imbibing and either sat or withdrew from everyone else. I even took one of the extra huge bottles of Sky over to Mark's place and left it there on purpose. Yes, it's a truth serum and one that may make no difference any longer with the company I keep.
Boccacio Traxx - "Let You Free" (instrumental)
We don't choose our emotions, we only control them. If a stranger nudges us on the shoulder while walking by we don't pull out a weapon and assault them even if we feel a surge of anger or discomfort inside. One person feels angry from being hit while another sluffs it off and continues walking not even thinking that the touch meant anything. In both cases there was something in the person that sparked. Most of us keep walking... but if we get nudged 3, 4, 5 more times on our walk. The 5th nudge might be different than the 1st. Or maybe it wouldn't. If I could simply intellectualize human interaction I wouldn't let people--friends--get to me so much.
In talking to Nathan this morning I spilled my head and he said that I had a good grasp of all sides of the issue. Haha.. yep, that sums up my conflicts most of the time. It's not enough for me to know my side of how I feel... but I figure out what the other side of the argument or situation is and I present support for that position as well. I'm great in debate because all I need to know is the issue and then I can choose a side. So why am I not fighting for my side?
Jobriath - "I'm A Man"
***************
***************
"You come...and everything is okay again."
-that feeling after sex, j/o, relief/endorphin release.
"Sometimes a good kick in the ass helps. Sometimes... it's just a thud on something numb already."
-IM conversation with Rey
****************
****************
We express so much in life without ever speaking. Music helps us many times. We latch onto something that someone else managed to find the words to describe a feeling that many of us may have. In this particular song I hear at the moment my mind clings to... "Do you need me, like I need you? Or am I standing still? With the scenery flying by?..." But even when songs don't have words there is a sense that the sound itself evokes imagery within us. I've known for a long time that not everyone has the capability to interpret those sounds, and the evolution of this thought is that I find myself at square one when it comes to etiquette among humans. I can't speak every thought in my head and my standard for others to read non-verbal cues is, as always, the utmost highest standard because I hold myself to it.
Expose - "Your Baby Never Looked Good In Blue"
The player is on random. Funny, one might think that it's honed in on my specific brain wave patterns.
I've spent the morning in cleaning and sleeping meditation. In my sleep I allow my subconscious to flood my head and when I awake I try and work through whatever feeling I have and find some way of being "okay" for today, tomorrow, the next week. The black & white part of me--the logic, says that there is no point being around people who can't return the same level of respect and integrity that you would put out. Granted, there are personality differences among all of us, but there are always groups of common thought that one can choose to be in and I have clearly not made that type of next with my group of friends. ((Because I can't)) It would be boring and ultimately not what I want out of friendship---for us to be clones of ideology and lifestyle.
Elliot Smith - "Between The Bars"
(dead...how sad)
"Drink up baby, look at the stars, I'll kiss you again, between the bars. When I'm seeing you there, with your arms in the air.... drink up one more time and I'll make you mine..." The song is so full of pain and sung beautifully. I originally heard it in the movie, "Good Will Hunting." I had the soundtrack before I gifted that all away years ago.
Lustral - "Everytime"
The version of this song that I have I just recently heard on a CD that Cardwell had in his car. We were out somewhere last week and the song came on and it took me back to sitting in my Randy's old big blue chair with him. We would listen to the song and watch the screen colors to Jet or Acid. "Can you hear me talking in my mind? I can feel you, you're with me all the time. There's a warm sky, covering the night. In the darkness, I only feel the light. Everytime I close my eyes, I see your face. Everytime I close my eyes. I see your face...." I see many faces, and listening to the song usually ends in wiping the tears from my own. This is a perfect example of a song evoking something in me that simply talking cannot do. I hold so much back anyway. Where did I hear before that you don't choose your friends, your friends choose you. What the fuck is that? Of course you choose your friends. True, they choose you back.
The Streets - "Too Much Brandy"
"In its own little way my body was trying to say that you better stop drinking brandy." hahahahahaha... I think my body has been telling me to lay off the alcohol lately. Had no such fun drinking on Friday, Saturday, Sunday or last night. Each night I made a conscious choice to stop imbibing and either sat or withdrew from everyone else. I even took one of the extra huge bottles of Sky over to Mark's place and left it there on purpose. Yes, it's a truth serum and one that may make no difference any longer with the company I keep.
Boccacio Traxx - "Let You Free" (instrumental)
We don't choose our emotions, we only control them. If a stranger nudges us on the shoulder while walking by we don't pull out a weapon and assault them even if we feel a surge of anger or discomfort inside. One person feels angry from being hit while another sluffs it off and continues walking not even thinking that the touch meant anything. In both cases there was something in the person that sparked. Most of us keep walking... but if we get nudged 3, 4, 5 more times on our walk. The 5th nudge might be different than the 1st. Or maybe it wouldn't. If I could simply intellectualize human interaction I wouldn't let people--friends--get to me so much.
In talking to Nathan this morning I spilled my head and he said that I had a good grasp of all sides of the issue. Haha.. yep, that sums up my conflicts most of the time. It's not enough for me to know my side of how I feel... but I figure out what the other side of the argument or situation is and I present support for that position as well. I'm great in debate because all I need to know is the issue and then I can choose a side. So why am I not fighting for my side?
Jobriath - "I'm A Man"
***************
***************
"You come...and everything is okay again."
-that feeling after sex, j/o, relief/endorphin release.
"Sometimes a good kick in the ass helps. Sometimes... it's just a thud on something numb already."
-IM conversation with Rey
****************
****************
Monday, February 23, 2004
About to leave...
At Cardwell's. Flowers Duet remix blaring from his room. Eddy, JD & Randy on the patio. Big Kitty clawing at the couch as the CD goes into skip skip skip mode. I'm thinking in my head about Mark calling me to discuss last night's events after watching the series finale for Sex In The City. It's nice that Mark cares about my FEELINGS.
And my decisions keep coming.
And the choices are fun to make.
And I'm learning to like the life I make.
9:11pm.
And my decisions keep coming.
And the choices are fun to make.
And I'm learning to like the life I make.
9:11pm.
Saturday, February 21, 2004
Randy little bits...
I woke up this morning and my eyes have the dried crust remains of tears that put me to sleep. I was having a good time with the "boyfriend" (running gag term between Edwyn & myself for the rumor mill circulating) and other friends at Boy Bar. I had hit a level of booze that was fine without fumbling. I stopped drinking as I didn't want to be "drunk drunk." In that pause, I sat and watched Randy dance on the pole and it was time for me to go and sleep in my car for a bit.
Eddy, Rey and Mark woke me about 2am. Eddy went home with Shawn and Brad, Mark to his place and I took Rey back to Chino Hills. It's funny how age in this vingette does not always impart wisdom. One drinks himself to oblivion and chooses the road to home and sleep, the other ponders why people objectify while choosing to be the object. I'm just the observer. My head is in many places.
I was at my doorstep by 3:15am. Water. Cranberry juice mixed with mango lemonade. Vitamins. Dido singing "White Flag." Jeremy lying in bed, clutching the fluffy pillows as if they were him and while the computer streamed audio, I streamed tears. Restful sleep.
********************************************************************
********************************************************************
"It's not that you're not invited, it's that you're not welcome."
-Said to Eddy by me about Movie Nights
"Trust is a tricky tree.... you climb it knowing the whole time a branch can break and let you down at any time. "
-Online conversation I was having
OcRockStarr [3:18 PM]: cuz they are because all they want is to have sex
Earth Jeremy [3:20 PM]: ahh.. male curse
Earth Jeremy [3:20 PM]: women get the monthly friend.... we get the lifetime companion
********************************************************************
********************************************************************
Eddy, Rey and Mark woke me about 2am. Eddy went home with Shawn and Brad, Mark to his place and I took Rey back to Chino Hills. It's funny how age in this vingette does not always impart wisdom. One drinks himself to oblivion and chooses the road to home and sleep, the other ponders why people objectify while choosing to be the object. I'm just the observer. My head is in many places.
I was at my doorstep by 3:15am. Water. Cranberry juice mixed with mango lemonade. Vitamins. Dido singing "White Flag." Jeremy lying in bed, clutching the fluffy pillows as if they were him and while the computer streamed audio, I streamed tears. Restful sleep.
********************************************************************
********************************************************************
"It's not that you're not invited, it's that you're not welcome."
-Said to Eddy by me about Movie Nights
"Trust is a tricky tree.... you climb it knowing the whole time a branch can break and let you down at any time. "
-Online conversation I was having
OcRockStarr [3:18 PM]: cuz they are because all they want is to have sex
Earth Jeremy [3:20 PM]: ahh.. male curse
Earth Jeremy [3:20 PM]: women get the monthly friend.... we get the lifetime companion
********************************************************************
********************************************************************
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Dancing limbs
What funny little figures we must look like to some aliens. I think of "the birds" that were dancing at Avalon on Sunday and if I look that strange to someone else watching me dance. It's all perception I suppose.
I wrote two poems before driving out to Trader Joe's and Hollywood Video for movie night. One was just a random song that I started singing out loud in my bedroom and the other was something closer to my heart. When Matt came over and joined the small crowd for movie night I thought of Ryan (Baldwin) a lot; don't know why exactly. Could just be my emotion chemicals on the fritz; I never really let go of anything I don't think. I think I just find ways of incorporating the way other people's reality is supposed to fit into my space so that some comfort can be found. I feel like writing a lot more----but not here, creative stuff. Poems, letters, scenes.
I don't want to let go.
I wrote two poems before driving out to Trader Joe's and Hollywood Video for movie night. One was just a random song that I started singing out loud in my bedroom and the other was something closer to my heart. When Matt came over and joined the small crowd for movie night I thought of Ryan (Baldwin) a lot; don't know why exactly. Could just be my emotion chemicals on the fritz; I never really let go of anything I don't think. I think I just find ways of incorporating the way other people's reality is supposed to fit into my space so that some comfort can be found. I feel like writing a lot more----but not here, creative stuff. Poems, letters, scenes.
I don't want to let go.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
The day before last last last
1:58pm
Waiting @ AAA for a membership. How long does one sit and wait before.... I think 15 min is sufficient.
SATURDAY, we had a fun singles dinner. Randy, Ken, Alan, Mark, Eddy, Rey, Michael Bouma & myself. It was a warm night. I saw Latter Days a 2nd time after dinner.
Now that I have a membership... I'm waiting in a different section so that I can wait for DMV information.
After the movie, Eddy, Rey and I were trying to think of something to do. Rey wanted to go home. After dropping him off in Chino Hills, Eddy and I went to LA and ended up at THE RED EYE. The music was the same droning kind for the zombies. We were there for about 1 1/2 hours and then Joe (Ortiz) showed up and had a candy hook-up. The mood of the night turned. The morning is refreshing and the normal 4hrs of sleep ensued.
SUNDAY, we embark to Avalon. (The Palace remodeled & renamed) On the drive up, I introduce Edwyn to some music from the past. He likes the song that my Randy and Cardwell both love to listen to. "Moments in Love" I blink and the time in the car is a fun moment in time where I'm happy and content. Avalon is cozier than I remember The Palace being.
Waiting @ AAA for a membership. How long does one sit and wait before.... I think 15 min is sufficient.
SATURDAY, we had a fun singles dinner. Randy, Ken, Alan, Mark, Eddy, Rey, Michael Bouma & myself. It was a warm night. I saw Latter Days a 2nd time after dinner.
Now that I have a membership... I'm waiting in a different section so that I can wait for DMV information.
After the movie, Eddy, Rey and I were trying to think of something to do. Rey wanted to go home. After dropping him off in Chino Hills, Eddy and I went to LA and ended up at THE RED EYE. The music was the same droning kind for the zombies. We were there for about 1 1/2 hours and then Joe (Ortiz) showed up and had a candy hook-up. The mood of the night turned. The morning is refreshing and the normal 4hrs of sleep ensued.
SUNDAY, we embark to Avalon. (The Palace remodeled & renamed) On the drive up, I introduce Edwyn to some music from the past. He likes the song that my Randy and Cardwell both love to listen to. "Moments in Love" I blink and the time in the car is a fun moment in time where I'm happy and content. Avalon is cozier than I remember The Palace being.
Monday, February 16, 2004
Carry On Luggage
Remember when you were younger and you used Nair because it was important to be smooth? I think this paragraph will just be random thoughts tonight. I'm about to sleep and I can feel that it will be a long and restful night. Something badly needed after two nights of dancing until dawn. I spent tonight with Randy and Eddy. It's an interesting contrast when looking at the levels of friendship; the deepness of sharing. Randy and I have years of experiences behind us and a similarity of personality that bonds us. Eddy and I have a shared boyfriend and a desire to know more about each other in the beginnings of this friendship. The difference in age and experience is crystal. Randy and I remarked on where we are now as opposed to where we were at 21. I asked him if he thought he had more or less issues now and he said that the issues were just different. I think I have less, and with a laugh he agreed. I love him. I also called Nathan tonight and had a brief catch up. He's mailed me a letter that I should get tomorrow. He sounds like himself again. The space that I gave for myself was also the space that he needed. zzzzzzzzzzzz fading now. my breathing is heavier and deeper and typing not so easy. Even though I said the words that needed to come out of my mouth, I still want to kiss him again and for that I need to have my head examined.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Sagittarius vs. Cupid: An Archer's Showdown
What do we know of the things we suppress? Yah. I think I used to lecture about this when speaking in Human Sexuality classes for PFLAG. Then, it was about someone being in the closet and denying to one's self who they are. hahaha... I'm denying something else. I think of that cheesy love song by REO Speedwagon with the lyric, "What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I had the strength to let it show." Of course, these lyrics aren't exactly the truth of my head. I also factor in that my instinct tells me something very clear--there can be nothing serious with someone who can't live seriously; that there are remnants of an abusive relationship search that I still fight to stamp out; that I cannot fix, only lead by example..... and yes, something in me melts of mountain hot springs while dreams pour over me like tropical waterfalls and sunlight on skin.
I had a brief IM exchange with Randy Avery. He asked the questions that made me think of my fears. How can I get back into the space of mind that I was circa January 2000? Grrrr... there is no journal entry from that time to read into. ((Of course, this IS NOT The Butterfly Effect.))
Day 2 of sleep cycle enhancement. Bringing out the dreams to bring about peace.
I had a brief IM exchange with Randy Avery. He asked the questions that made me think of my fears. How can I get back into the space of mind that I was circa January 2000? Grrrr... there is no journal entry from that time to read into. ((Of course, this IS NOT The Butterfly Effect.))
Day 2 of sleep cycle enhancement. Bringing out the dreams to bring about peace.
Friday, February 13, 2004
The air in Space
I was chatting with Dominic on the phone earlier and I sensed this frustration that I remember feeling. It is the frustration of getting to know people and trying to find someone to make a "connection" with. I expressed to him how I never thought I would still be single at 29, and here I am. There's that fantasy that I could just wave a magic wand and Dominic and I would be on his secluded island and all would be perfect; drinking from cups made of cut open coconuts and bathing in the tropical lagoons over the sand dunes. Ahh... Alas, he is in a daily routine behind a front desk and I'm working graveyard listening to people's sob stories. This is life, eh?
And it changes... Our choices change what it is that 'life' entails. The people change, the jobs, the challenges. I've wanted to cry all day long.
I spent a lot of the day with Ali, driving around to music stores. It's his job. Music. I was using all my weird voices--characters I create. For the first time in a very long time I remembered how it felt to perform. I used to enjoy that quite a bit. I allowed too much to be stripped from me as a teen. I adapted to a situation and have never really adapted back.
This nagging cough... lingers.
And it changes... Our choices change what it is that 'life' entails. The people change, the jobs, the challenges. I've wanted to cry all day long.
I spent a lot of the day with Ali, driving around to music stores. It's his job. Music. I was using all my weird voices--characters I create. For the first time in a very long time I remembered how it felt to perform. I used to enjoy that quite a bit. I allowed too much to be stripped from me as a teen. I adapted to a situation and have never really adapted back.
This nagging cough... lingers.
Stuck in the Stone Ages
"Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney said the question of same-sex marriage should be one for voters -- not the courts -- to decide."
-CNN.com Story
http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/02/13/mass.marriage/index.html
My first thought... this is the same type of thinking by short-sighted and assholes of the time back in the 1950's & 1960's during this country's last civil rights movement. Should we have just left it to the bigoted thinking of people back then to decide. The high court had to step in and make a decision for the greater good of the country. Fair is fair.
-CNN.com Story
http://www.cnn.com/2004/ALLPOLITICS/02/13/mass.marriage/index.html
My first thought... this is the same type of thinking by short-sighted and assholes of the time back in the 1950's & 1960's during this country's last civil rights movement. Should we have just left it to the bigoted thinking of people back then to decide. The high court had to step in and make a decision for the greater good of the country. Fair is fair.
