Dinner

I should have known that dressing up in slacks and a button up shirt would
ensure that dinner plans with mom would get cancelled tonight.

Soup of the Day

11:30am
Tumbling. Tumbler. The first implies to me some sort of controlled,complex movement. The second makes me think of ice. A scar on my left armis mostly hidden by the hair, but I can always pinpoint it by a red dot nearthe scar. I don't remember how I got the scar. It's just there. It alwayswill be.I don't always remember how I got a lot of the scars in my life.

11:55am
Tired. Presently on Nyquil to control all the congestion and allow me tospeak on the phones at work. I woke up not sure if I was in my bed or not.Faint memories of laying my head down in the pillows. A though crossed mymind about putting music on but I ultimately decided against it because Iwanted uninterrupted, soundless sleep. It must have worked because I don'tremember waking at all during the brief 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I do rememberthat I was dreaming the type of dreams that feel real.

12:noon
Jeremy Jordan was at Motherlode last night. Haha. He's as tiny in personas I would have imagined him to be. DRIFTING.... as I sit here and think ofwhat I'm typing a Depeche Mode song hauntingly plays over a few lines:"Something so worthless... serves a purpose...makes me a happy man... can'tyou understand... say you believe..."

12:09pm
I keep dosing... I only took one Nyquil pill because I didn't want to beknocked out. I've always liked this ambient, calmness of Nyquil. I'mstarting to get hungry too. Another hour until my first break and then aquick run to Jack in the Box. It will compliment the Taco Bell that Iinhaled as I exited Red Hill from the 5 FWY this morning at 4:20am. Thedrive home.... long and dangerous. Sober, but so so tired. It was onlyabout half way home that it started to bother me; somewhere around the 605FWY. Windows went down. Talk radio went on. It's the talking that usuallykeeps me awake. Music lulls. Sometimes I can put a song on and startsinging to it and that will help to keep me awake. This morning I actuallyslapped myself on the cheeks to jolt some alertness back in me.

12:18pm
Three black widows. (Drinks) Cardwell and Eddy saw each other for the firsttime last night. Civil. More than that, there's a strange love of friendsthere. We're all terrible at communicating that to each other. I would saywe all do it out of protection, survival; and sadly we feel that instincteven around our friends.There are so many layers of emotions that tie us up. I can't really explainit completely. My thoughts toward Eddy are probably clearer. Flashes thatare entering my head: ...hugs, listening, stubborn, ignoring, looks, kisses,walking, drives, common; knowing what is right vs. something primal that iscontrolled; sharing a common relationship (chuck); sensing that which ishidden and understanding it.

2:21pm
Visions prancing quickly as I close my eyes and open them. I was thinkingof what Martin & I are going to do while hanging out tonight. KellyClarkson's "The Trouble With Love" started playing in my mind. The movie"Love Actually" is one he hasn't seen and that could be a nice and simplerelaxing thing to do this evening. I don't know. A walk around the lakes?Beach? UCI? I just want to know more.

2:50pm
Last night I drove around for 45minutes to find parking in West Hollywoodbecause I didn't have any cash on me to park at the Pacific Design Center.In retrospect, I should've just paid the bank fee at some other bank thatwas easily accessible and then parked. After walking the four blocks backto the main strip I found Cardwell, Justin & Jeffrey at Motherlode. Theyhad dinner together at La Boeheme. As the drinks wore on, Cardwell andJeffrey were alternately standing up and yelling "Coke" and "Ecstasy" asloud as they could in the bar. Justin and I pretended not to know them. I guess I should just be grateful that they didn't start yelling "PurpleRain."

3:00pm
Fifteen minutes until lunch. I'm definitely going to my car to lay down.I'm not even going to bother driving home to sleep as that cuts out 20min ofpotential sleep time. Changing of the guard here at work. All the earlymorning people are leaving and the 3-midnight people are starting. I toy with the idea in my head of whether I could wake up that early and then beable to leave right now. Laughter. I'm no morning person. I'd end upstaying up all night all the time and then be dead at work and sleep.

4:43pm
Naps...good. Mountain Dew...sweet.

Can't Quite Get It Out

I'm beginning that 2nd half of the year dip. I feel it. Even with the increased level of activity and wonderful, shining things around me I still feel so disconnected from it all. Phil had been talking to me about the movie, "Garden State" that he wanted me to go see. I finally did see it this last Tuesday night with Martin. Phil raved about the movie, but I found it just okay. I mean, I laughed an related. I thought Natalie Portman's performance was superb, but I think the movie is a good marker of how people in different points of their life will draw different meaning from the flick. In the movie, the protagonist is faced with trying to start experiencing life at 26; cold-turkey stopping his meds, and dealing with real emotions for the first time since he was a child. Coming of age or finding one's self.... a common piece of one's early to mid 20's. (At least the first go 'round)

In the midst of the drawing down feeling, I have subverted my own past words and I went on a date Tuesday. I've always searched for someone sincere and pure; honest, caring, affectionate; someone without pretense or malevolence. I know that it's only someone like this that can compliment my nature. Problem being... my nature has had plenty of time and experience to form a dome of concrete like a nuclear reactor. Maneuvering through this world and finding people who I can touch and not feel absorbed or who can touch me and not drain me is tricky. Sometimes I still feel guilty too... this grayness that follows me, that I don't control, that others inherit by being around me. You can't really prepare someone for my grays. (Especially when they're attracted to my bounce and chipper times.) A blanket and a stuffed animal are no substitutes for skin. And my one rhythm beating is not so soothing as the rumble of two drums blending with breathing. Sigh.

It's lunchtime.

When I take the glasses off...

Once you break the glow stick, there's no stopping it from glowing until it fades on it's own. So what is the half life on my emotions? What scientist can tell me that one?
What makes someone ugly or attractive is often not simply how they look. Attitude and personality actually do play a role in the deal. Insults about someone else tend to make me back away from someone. It's part of that overall negative energy that I want to steer away from. When I'm around it for prolonged periods of time I have to grow a thicker skin to tolerate it and that just ends up keeping a wrapped up Jeremy.
Art had AJ & Paul over tonight (Monday) to watch "Beautiful Thing." AJ is from England so he remarked how his accent was going to come back hearing the character in the movie. Paul didn't understand many of the words being spoken. The accents are quite thick in the movie. I only know the dialogue from the number of times I've seen the movie myself.
Sunday Night the house was packed for the showing of "Nine Dead Gay Guys." A house of 20+ teen & 20-somethings. I seem to keep my distance, never really having a conversation with them. I think many are nice, many are cute, many are both. As I typed that last sentence, Phil IM's me to say, "Don't think so much." Hahaha. It's always been this way for me. The solutions to avoiding it are not ones that I like. Well.. one, I like, but it's not something I can do with regularity any longer---or choose not to. The other choice leaves me not high or low and not really thinking too much about anything with any passion attached to it.
My bed is made with blankets from mom, grandma & Laney. It was his birthday today (Monday-23rd). I left a message on his voice mail. His voice didn't sound happy on the message. I can always tell. Mom can usually tell when things are wrong with me--when I'm around her enough for her to see. Grandma was great at just making me feel snug & safe and now these blankets do just that.
So I'm going on this date later tonight (Tuesday) and I keep running into dead ends with the ideas because of timing. Good...that there are so many ideas to be able to put for later use, but bad because I get my hopes up and then have to start over. I'm left with the thought that it's not what we do so much as what we learn about each other during the process. Hahaha... I never would've looked at a date like this in the past. I would've looked at someone and knew that I thought they were "cute" and just wanted to be around them. Knowledge, growth, maturity... ugh. Sometimes I see it as more of a burden than a blessing.
There's no going back...

Testing

If this is posted on my website then the remote e-mail posting portion
of Blogger is working correctly.

7:11pm
It's officially happened. Cardwell became an old man who does not go out at
night anymore. I've actually known this for a while now, but we joked about
it on the phone today as I was walking back in from lunch. So here I am, at
my desk, waiting for calls and wondering what I will do tonight when I'm off
at 10pm.

Whatever I do... I know I'm not drinking tonight. Enough enough enough.

Colorphile Lives Yo-Yo Dieting to Krispy Kreme

"...it's like I'm waiting for the scars to heal..."
-lyric from Sneaker Pimps' song, "Loretta Young Silks"

Headset is on. I can't even hear my fingers 'mashing' on the keys. (As Cardwell would say it.) I can't help it, I type fast and it clatters.

Phil and I went to Boy Bar last night. Another venture into the gay night that's new to him. It's wonderful how sharing an experience with another person can enhance your own experience. Sure there are other factors. My last trip to Boy Bar was before my eye surgery, I was wearing glasses that I had to keep taking off because I was sweating and they were falling off my face and then I was essentially blind. Watching Phil experiencing so much for the first time reminds me of those memory files I have stored away and don't look at much. Eddy was there and we said hi from a distance with our hands, then later with a hug and a kiss.

It's 11:35am on my clock and I'll be going into work soon doing floor support from 1-10pm. I'll write more when I'm there since there seems to be a lot of down time in between questions. That clock keeps changing. It keeps reminding me that I can't sit here in bed comfortable much longer. Music on my head has moved to Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams" only after drifting through a couple of Fischer Spooner tunes.

Quickly things on my mind.... Martin, school registration, seeing my family soon, this weekends' events that I have not decided on attending or not. Bleh.

In that time

The minds of creative youth are filled with the thoughts that fuel us. They will never enter this time again. They are the very excitement of life that makes it worth living.

Last night was the opening of Club Thrust. Good turn out. Ali did his usual great job mixing music. As my luck would have it, Randy was dancing. It's that funny song of coincidence, that song that never leaves your mind and you find yourself humming it all the time. Catchy & annoying at the same time. I drank to numb myself. A cute boy named Paul came up to me as I was "transitioning" and I don't even remember what he was talking about. Dustin from last Friday was there and I ended up making out with him on the floor again. It's during this time of being fluidly lost that I find some of the happiness inside of me that is overshadowed by the bottled pain. Simultaneously, this is when the pain is most evident. Sometimes I think the two have a synergy and that one can't exist without the other.

Martin, Corey, Austin, Chris, Willy, Phil and the rest of the boys were there. We were all dancing around. I was soaked. I left my sweat shirt at Ali's booth. I'd go back again. I'd be more prepared for what I would see. Eddy was also there. We both did a fine job of ignoring each other. I wanted to enjoy myself and didn't want to acknowledge anything heavy---I was already dealing with seeing my ex.

I finished watching season two of Dark Angel today. I'm bummed that it never went further. At least one more season.

Yesterday I spent time with Ty. It was nice to be sensual again. So much twisted pain in his eyes. I'm sure that part of the cosmic draw between us. I never fail to find that pain in someone.

Tonight... I'm letting go of a little bit more.
One tear at a time.

It's a long and winding road...

...well, maybe not. It's simply Laguna Canyon Road (HWY 133). I'm driving behind a slow Mercedez. I think it drives slowly because the person behind the wheel is drunk and doesn't want to draw attention. Ironically, the line of cars piling behind me does just that. I can't play any music because my battery died two days ago and was replaced by Cardwell last night. I don't know the factory code for the radio so it flashes an error message at me each time I turn it on. My car starts... that's enough for me.

The windows are all down, the sunroof is open. The wind isn't cold because my body is still warm from dancing. I feel the sweat in my hair drying up and my head is the first part of me where the outside temperature touching my skin's surface equalizes. A second lane opens up and I downshift to third, gas, pass and am back into the originally lane again while the cars behind me start to do the same. I think of myself typing all this out into this journal and really the only thing that I think in my head before my thoughts rapidly wander off is the opening line, "I'm driving behind a slow Mercedez."

Home tonight is a place where I want to snuggle. I want to have sex. I want to just sleep. It seems that all my wants are competing and this keeps me awake. It was 2:15am when I got home and now it's 4:45am. I watched an episode of Dark Angel, season two. I've started another one as I'm typing. Sleep... need sleep. Sometime soon I will collapse, or I will stay awake and wonder why I did this to myself when I'm dragging sitting at my desk.

I goto the bathroom. As I turn on the light, I glance at the mirror and see someone. It's me. The body is changing, but the eyes are still the same. I think of all the things that I don't capture to talk about here. I wonder about something that I'm not sure of and typing that out now seems stupid since you won't know what that means--and chances are I won't understand this later on either. With a faint taste of diet Dr. Pepper left in my mouth, me and my boxers sign-off to watch this next episode.

I made out with a boy on the dancefloor tonight. His name was Dustin. I watched him watching me and could see in his eyes that he wasn't attracted to me, but rather the idea in his head of what I was like. My hat on slightly sideways, my dancing--different than the typical Laguna fags. When I felt his body, I could tell that he had been losing weight and was shaping. He looked good. Cute. Innocent--but not. When I made no overt moves back toward him he was off to another boy, or man. It was this sense that kept me guarded... and it is this sense that I feel so much lately.

More works in progress...

7pm-ish
Dream Ladders

This is the world we painted
In a subconscious vacuum
All the hues mixed
No more dreaming in color
So I climbed up to the black sky to fly...

In a million stars
We search for just one soul
Looking in a hundred beds
To find thousands of tears.

Until we're dry.

One day it will come
One day it will come
One day I will come.

Works in Progress...

((Been getting the urge to write songs/poetry again lately))
11:18am
Pictures, presents, parents flowing
It's a time when gardens green
Soaked up water for the growing.
TIME--ever slow & always too long
I had eternity in the pocket with a whole
So I guess that balanced me out somehow.

If I knew the cartoons were the best life ever got
I would've saved the girl (or boy)
I would've painted myself in technicolor
I would've melted crayons in my hair
I woul've taken that trip to the moon.

But this life passed me by in the blink of an eye
And I'm rocking here in my grave.

Heavy eyes, heavy hearts, hanging heads
All the sullen say nice things
As if this day was about them
And REALLY it becomes that way.


1:17pm
I fell asleep last night with the computer and DVD on. I woke up with IM's all over Trillian. A part of me felt bad because they were unanswered--ignored. Smart people are all around.

The Old Man Is Snoring

2:22pm
When it fucking rains it pours! Dry spells to flash floods. Restricted phone call from OH-Jeremy (that's Ohio Jeremy). LOL. He missed "talking" to me. This morning I leave the house @ 5:30am to spend several hours in HB before leaving to go to work. (Robbie) Phone calls over the weekend from Peep and Shy Sean.

(added afterthoughts while copying)
Who knew I'd have to identify Sean's.. a year ago there were none really. Shy Sean, Roommate Sean, Gemini Sean, HB Shaun. There's Hollywood Jeff. And where did Tim come from? That took me by surprise. Kellan in Washington, Eddie in Las Vegas and Dominic...oh Dominic. The Sunday boys that come to the house, how I get swept up into the newness of watching their lives begin to blossom and cross paths. Insecurity and curiousity meeting; experience lacking. I sense and see their unspoken words of attraction for each other and the uncomfortable, unknown responses when the feelings are not returned. As I watch all this, I realize that for the first time I have consciously not tried to intimately involve myself as much as I may flirt.

I've decided that that as much as I think each of these people are beautiful and interesting in their own right, I'm just finding reasons to derail myself.

Facilities

10:48am
Falling asleep while driving last night. Stope & Listen. I pull off to somewhere and find a Denny's parking lot to sleep in. I wake up a little after 6:30am. Disoriented. It's light gray outside.

Vinettes of Neurotica

12:22pm
-Bottled up causing physical symptoms
-let it out
-Euphoric recall---why was I up all night? I should have slept much more.
-Mental patterns override the best laid plans.