I'm trying to settle back into Irvine, CA now. It's been a week since I left. I've felt strange back now. Just deciding that you're going to go another try at something doesn't mean that it's easier or harder, it just means that a damn has been unleashed and a river set in motion.
I find that my schedule has me hyper by the time I arrive home after 10pm. I'm the opposite of my roomies and I'm nowhere ready to go to bed like Randy is from his long day; the next to begin again @ 6am. I talked to Anthony (work lead) today about the flex-rep position and I think the hope is that whoever gets it will have a shift that is from 8-5 or 9-6. That would be cool again. Familiar patterns.
Making life happen and living life. Sitting back and waiting for the next curve and adding a little motion to the movement by picking the next page to turn. A lot of what I've been processing this week is the idea that all choices eventually have the same outcome for us. I know a lot of people who will keep that as the main fact in their life and therefore not care about what they do or live "less agressive" lives. That's comforting in a way. I think other people take refuge in "controling" their lives. They have goals, lay out a plan and then work hard to achieve said goals. They are fulfilled by a sense that they have created a structure that they live in; a means that they live reality through. This works for me. At least, it used to. I felt the fabric of this structure unravelling coming out of high school. The thread has just been being pulled ever since. Either someone keeps knitting, or I just have one huge piece of wool to pull off.
Mark's b-day was last week. Randy C's is tomorrow. Forgive me for being less than a friend lately in remembering these things. Can I go away to a Greek island for about a month and come back later. Or blink a light year so that the reality of today is just a few hundred years in the past? No? Okay, well shit then.
Tomorrow I get to see Lorena. Yeah.
I did the dishes today. Funny how the stupid small things in life are what people care most about.
Friday, December 28, 2001
Sunday, December 23, 2001
three-day-sum
Sometimes I sit down to write and I'm sure of only one thing: that there's something I want to say. A feeling inside demands action so I try and find words to represent the feeling.
I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with Art. We stayed at the Hilton, but did not partake of the Star Trek Experience. Nor did we use our free tickets to see the "Society of Seven," Hawaii's craziest bunch of mixed nuts. Whatever that means. (The selling slogan on local ads for the show.) I won enough money to basically pay for my weekend. I got to see Nathan and end the night at The Gypsy dancing to "Rapture" by IIO; the perfect ending to a rekindling of my friendship with him. I got far enough away from Southern California to begin to heal. I'm glad I was with Art. Being my first boyfriend, I still share something with him--a bond from my late adolesence--that I cannot place words to explain. Having new experiences with him is safe and sought sometimes. For the first time I feel like I'm not grieving any longer and I know where my heart is; where my head is as well.
I think that inside of us there is this universe. It expands boundlessly, intersecting into others' expanses. There is no map, no guide tool, no information desk that shows us how to explore this place, and most of us never really look at this place because it's too scary. Too unknown. I guess now all I can try and do is recall some of the trip...It may be long, I'm not sure what will come out...
FLASH THOUGHTS ON DXM:
I can still hear Garbage songs in my head. "Blip" TV screen vision, as if the horizontal hold wasn't properly adjusted. My hands are getting moist and sweaty typing all of this now. Once I was pulled outside of myself, there was a sense that everything I saw was through a video screen. Each step was taken with a sound effect. I couldn't hear background noise or conversation. Scenes from movies that I've seen in the past that I didn't understand became clear---or seemingly so. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" and "Go" are two such movies. The "jibberish" scenes in Fire Walk With Me where the midget who says "I am the arm" were what I was experiencing. Unconnected, uncomprehendable images chained together; a mind trying to put order to something where no order is. I think now too of movies by Darren Aronofsky. Pieces of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream." The way that the guy in "Pi" was so sure of what he knew and how it made complete sense to him--a key that he had turned to walk through something. I remember a moment when I I felt that I had grasped that moment of complete understanding and how peaceful I felt. I remember the thought that decisions, choices, outcomes made no difference because in the end the result for all of us is the same---and by that I don't necessarily mean that we all die, or go onto an afterlife, or anything like that. I had more a sense that no matter what road taken, what type of life led, eventually all paths lead back to the same place. Maybe this is just a belief that was in my head and personified by the experience. I tend to thing that drug experiences--however people may relate them as similar--are just extensions of people trying to connect to one another; make sense where none is. Art was playing a video game. I could see him sitting in the chair, staring at the laptop screen. In some ways I saw him in control of where I was; almost as if he pulled the strings as to what was going to happen next. I used him as a "focus thought." When I felt myself straying too far from safety or from being too far into my own thoughts to know what was going on I thought of him and I was brought back into my surroundings and didn't feel lost. Rob--the boy that Art met on gay.com and who we picked up early Saturday morning for my 1st (and probably only) threeway--was the one who asked if I had ever tripped on DXM. My only time was with green triangles a couple years ago when I thought it was E. He was there with me the whole time, but as soon as the drug took effect, I don't remember him any longer. I know that I found something in my that suddenly didn't trust anyone I didn't know any longer; perhaps that instinct that I have all along about people but put off and ignore in some situations. At one point we were out of the hotel room and walking somewhere in the hotel. I remember bumping a wall because I couldn't walk straight. I sat on bench/couch (I think). He kept repeating that he wanted to go back to Walgreens. I didn't want to. I was staring at the ceiling. I remember thinking how odd I must look to other people. I thought about being at raves and seeing people who looked completely "not there" and now knew of the places that they go to. Computer screens with graphically enhanced visions. Flow charts, with lines moving through systems. My mind is always processing. I remember speaking, "So many thoughts." I tried to voice some of them, but often my words would come out only half words or all jumbled & jibberish. I sounded like a stroke victim. In my head the idea and sentence was clear as day, but when uttered I remember having to repeat myself, sometimes never getting the thought out. I was frustrated. VERY frustrated. I curled up into a ball on the bed, closed my eyes in the hope of falling asleep, but I just saw more images. Vid screens, brain inner workings, flowing, pieces, the last piec ein place, a cube, the corner. No sense of temperature. When we walked outside, Art was freezing cold and I felt nothing. Later on, after I could focus vision again, I had no taste buds and I still wasn't speaking clearly. I ate a whole hamburger and pink lemonade and could taste nothing. I felt texture but not taste, which was an interesting way to experience food. I don't recall anything else right now.
I spent the weekend in Las Vegas with Art. We stayed at the Hilton, but did not partake of the Star Trek Experience. Nor did we use our free tickets to see the "Society of Seven," Hawaii's craziest bunch of mixed nuts. Whatever that means. (The selling slogan on local ads for the show.) I won enough money to basically pay for my weekend. I got to see Nathan and end the night at The Gypsy dancing to "Rapture" by IIO; the perfect ending to a rekindling of my friendship with him. I got far enough away from Southern California to begin to heal. I'm glad I was with Art. Being my first boyfriend, I still share something with him--a bond from my late adolesence--that I cannot place words to explain. Having new experiences with him is safe and sought sometimes. For the first time I feel like I'm not grieving any longer and I know where my heart is; where my head is as well.
I think that inside of us there is this universe. It expands boundlessly, intersecting into others' expanses. There is no map, no guide tool, no information desk that shows us how to explore this place, and most of us never really look at this place because it's too scary. Too unknown. I guess now all I can try and do is recall some of the trip...It may be long, I'm not sure what will come out...
FLASH THOUGHTS ON DXM:
I can still hear Garbage songs in my head. "Blip" TV screen vision, as if the horizontal hold wasn't properly adjusted. My hands are getting moist and sweaty typing all of this now. Once I was pulled outside of myself, there was a sense that everything I saw was through a video screen. Each step was taken with a sound effect. I couldn't hear background noise or conversation. Scenes from movies that I've seen in the past that I didn't understand became clear---or seemingly so. "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" and "Go" are two such movies. The "jibberish" scenes in Fire Walk With Me where the midget who says "I am the arm" were what I was experiencing. Unconnected, uncomprehendable images chained together; a mind trying to put order to something where no order is. I think now too of movies by Darren Aronofsky. Pieces of "Pi" and "Requiem for a Dream." The way that the guy in "Pi" was so sure of what he knew and how it made complete sense to him--a key that he had turned to walk through something. I remember a moment when I I felt that I had grasped that moment of complete understanding and how peaceful I felt. I remember the thought that decisions, choices, outcomes made no difference because in the end the result for all of us is the same---and by that I don't necessarily mean that we all die, or go onto an afterlife, or anything like that. I had more a sense that no matter what road taken, what type of life led, eventually all paths lead back to the same place. Maybe this is just a belief that was in my head and personified by the experience. I tend to thing that drug experiences--however people may relate them as similar--are just extensions of people trying to connect to one another; make sense where none is. Art was playing a video game. I could see him sitting in the chair, staring at the laptop screen. In some ways I saw him in control of where I was; almost as if he pulled the strings as to what was going to happen next. I used him as a "focus thought." When I felt myself straying too far from safety or from being too far into my own thoughts to know what was going on I thought of him and I was brought back into my surroundings and didn't feel lost. Rob--the boy that Art met on gay.com and who we picked up early Saturday morning for my 1st (and probably only) threeway--was the one who asked if I had ever tripped on DXM. My only time was with green triangles a couple years ago when I thought it was E. He was there with me the whole time, but as soon as the drug took effect, I don't remember him any longer. I know that I found something in my that suddenly didn't trust anyone I didn't know any longer; perhaps that instinct that I have all along about people but put off and ignore in some situations. At one point we were out of the hotel room and walking somewhere in the hotel. I remember bumping a wall because I couldn't walk straight. I sat on bench/couch (I think). He kept repeating that he wanted to go back to Walgreens. I didn't want to. I was staring at the ceiling. I remember thinking how odd I must look to other people. I thought about being at raves and seeing people who looked completely "not there" and now knew of the places that they go to. Computer screens with graphically enhanced visions. Flow charts, with lines moving through systems. My mind is always processing. I remember speaking, "So many thoughts." I tried to voice some of them, but often my words would come out only half words or all jumbled & jibberish. I sounded like a stroke victim. In my head the idea and sentence was clear as day, but when uttered I remember having to repeat myself, sometimes never getting the thought out. I was frustrated. VERY frustrated. I curled up into a ball on the bed, closed my eyes in the hope of falling asleep, but I just saw more images. Vid screens, brain inner workings, flowing, pieces, the last piec ein place, a cube, the corner. No sense of temperature. When we walked outside, Art was freezing cold and I felt nothing. Later on, after I could focus vision again, I had no taste buds and I still wasn't speaking clearly. I ate a whole hamburger and pink lemonade and could taste nothing. I felt texture but not taste, which was an interesting way to experience food. I don't recall anything else right now.
Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Dream Entry: December Mycroft Dies
**Dream Entry**
I woke up on the couch to the sound of my alarm in the bedroom. I set it for 10:30 every morning just in case I'm not already awake. Today it was 11:08 before I heard it. I was dreaming.
It was one of those fantasy type dreams. There was a log of imagery from my past. High school lockers, Tovar Way in Chino Hills where I used to live and Dave Weldon's private investigation business were the pieces from my past that stand out the most; our next door neighbor, Jimmy, was the fantasy part.
In the dream, he was the Office Manager for Dave--a job that I used to have. I remember having some brief conversation with Dave about how he was just like me when I had the job, meticulous about everything being organized a certain way. The dream "flashed" at that point. ((FYI..my dreams tend to NOT run sequentially and there are several points where I find myself in different locations with different people so I just say that they "flash.")) I was somewhere on some sand dunes at the beach. I think I put myself here because when I see Jimmy next door, most of the time he's in shorts & and tank top with this white necklace that screams the beach to me.
Another flash and I was back on the street where I started my Chino/Chino Hills existence, Tovar Way. Something about a car, snotty neighbors searching for a stench in the air and thinking it came down the street from a "dirty" neighbor. I parked along the curb and went down to the curve in the street. ((SIDE NOTE, I just rememeber--not from the dream--going down to the house I'm describing in the dream and playing with Corey. We used to make and throw dirt clods in his backyard. He had an older sister. I thought he was cool.))
Somehow when I reached the bottom of the street where the curve is I was approaching a house that was for sale by two lesbians. I passed the house and saw myself staring into glass windows through to Jimmy who was working in Dave's office. Flat screen monitors caught my eye and I had to take one home to use. I was trying to be covert so that Jimmy wouldn't see me "taking" the monitor because I knew he'd be anal about wanting me to sign it out the proper way. He had never spoken to me before, but he knew of me from Dave talking about how I "used to" run things. He caught me "taking" the monitor and approache the subject with a shy respect. I mentioned that I was just quickly trying to swipe it out so that I wouldn't have to fill out a bunch of forms (as was procedure, I guess) and he resonded by saying, "Well, can you at least just sign the check-out sheet." I complied and there was that moment where we had nervous smiles and I left.
The rest of the dream is classically high school. (Lockers and and all) I'm getting tired of typing. Dream dream dreams.... haha
I woke up on the couch to the sound of my alarm in the bedroom. I set it for 10:30 every morning just in case I'm not already awake. Today it was 11:08 before I heard it. I was dreaming.
It was one of those fantasy type dreams. There was a log of imagery from my past. High school lockers, Tovar Way in Chino Hills where I used to live and Dave Weldon's private investigation business were the pieces from my past that stand out the most; our next door neighbor, Jimmy, was the fantasy part.
In the dream, he was the Office Manager for Dave--a job that I used to have. I remember having some brief conversation with Dave about how he was just like me when I had the job, meticulous about everything being organized a certain way. The dream "flashed" at that point. ((FYI..my dreams tend to NOT run sequentially and there are several points where I find myself in different locations with different people so I just say that they "flash.")) I was somewhere on some sand dunes at the beach. I think I put myself here because when I see Jimmy next door, most of the time he's in shorts & and tank top with this white necklace that screams the beach to me.
Another flash and I was back on the street where I started my Chino/Chino Hills existence, Tovar Way. Something about a car, snotty neighbors searching for a stench in the air and thinking it came down the street from a "dirty" neighbor. I parked along the curb and went down to the curve in the street. ((SIDE NOTE, I just rememeber--not from the dream--going down to the house I'm describing in the dream and playing with Corey. We used to make and throw dirt clods in his backyard. He had an older sister. I thought he was cool.))
Somehow when I reached the bottom of the street where the curve is I was approaching a house that was for sale by two lesbians. I passed the house and saw myself staring into glass windows through to Jimmy who was working in Dave's office. Flat screen monitors caught my eye and I had to take one home to use. I was trying to be covert so that Jimmy wouldn't see me "taking" the monitor because I knew he'd be anal about wanting me to sign it out the proper way. He had never spoken to me before, but he knew of me from Dave talking about how I "used to" run things. He caught me "taking" the monitor and approache the subject with a shy respect. I mentioned that I was just quickly trying to swipe it out so that I wouldn't have to fill out a bunch of forms (as was procedure, I guess) and he resonded by saying, "Well, can you at least just sign the check-out sheet." I complied and there was that moment where we had nervous smiles and I left.
The rest of the dream is classically high school. (Lockers and and all) I'm getting tired of typing. Dream dream dreams.... haha
Sunday, December 16, 2001
GAPS
"Give a little bit...give a little bit of my love to you."
As much as I hear that stupid GAP commercial, I still don't know the lyrics. I'm shying away from lyrics lately. They all make me cry. Social restraints of being at work keep my eyes dry.
I went to The Red Eye last night/this morning. East Coast DJ....which meant house music. Oh well...it was still nice to get out. I hadn't gone out to a club by myself like that since opening night at The Factory almost two years ago.
Give a little bit...
As much as I hear that stupid GAP commercial, I still don't know the lyrics. I'm shying away from lyrics lately. They all make me cry. Social restraints of being at work keep my eyes dry.
I went to The Red Eye last night/this morning. East Coast DJ....which meant house music. Oh well...it was still nice to get out. I hadn't gone out to a club by myself like that since opening night at The Factory almost two years ago.
Give a little bit...
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
rat a tat tat
I received the annual holiday poem/letter from Lorena, updating life, but with a bit more "christ" influencing this one. Nonetheless, it was a sweet sentiment to get something in the mail.
Our party was fun--for me at least. Even the times when I got to witness friction I seemed to feel myself perched on the outside, observing, seeing the senselessness of it all and hoping that everyone could just resolve their issue. It was a day/night of video games, a kickass song called "Rapture" by IIO, some splendid times with sensational people. I like that.
Bobby got me a picture of Brandon Boyd from Incubus. It is the ONLY thing hanging on the walls in the bedroom. Alex got sick and decorated our bathroom.
Mom called me earlier today. It happened to be during my alone time in the morning when I wanted to be alone so we all know how those conversations go. What she brought up was interesting though. Randy had called and left her a voice mail about going out to eat, the two of them. She felt awkward and didn't want to be in the middle of anything we were discussing. I felt the same way hearing her tell me. Ultimately I told her to call Randy and let her know her thoughts.
I don't find the prospect of dating again very enticing. I think focusing on school is key right now. I can't really consider what is happening with Randy until I know that he has changed. I can't know that now. I hope I can know it later, but that is way premature to think about now and I don't think he gets that yet.
Nathan offered a weekend getaway out to Las Vegas. I think I'm going to take him up on that soon.
Our party was fun--for me at least. Even the times when I got to witness friction I seemed to feel myself perched on the outside, observing, seeing the senselessness of it all and hoping that everyone could just resolve their issue. It was a day/night of video games, a kickass song called "Rapture" by IIO, some splendid times with sensational people. I like that.
Bobby got me a picture of Brandon Boyd from Incubus. It is the ONLY thing hanging on the walls in the bedroom. Alex got sick and decorated our bathroom.
Mom called me earlier today. It happened to be during my alone time in the morning when I wanted to be alone so we all know how those conversations go. What she brought up was interesting though. Randy had called and left her a voice mail about going out to eat, the two of them. She felt awkward and didn't want to be in the middle of anything we were discussing. I felt the same way hearing her tell me. Ultimately I told her to call Randy and let her know her thoughts.
I don't find the prospect of dating again very enticing. I think focusing on school is key right now. I can't really consider what is happening with Randy until I know that he has changed. I can't know that now. I hope I can know it later, but that is way premature to think about now and I don't think he gets that yet.
Nathan offered a weekend getaway out to Las Vegas. I think I'm going to take him up on that soon.
Friday, December 07, 2001
Snoflake Hands
I started cleaning today for the party tomorrow. I'm not sure I like the way the computer looks out in the main room. I think it's the way the radio looks with it--everything "mushed" together.
Super Smash Bros. is hard. I think the pleasure I would normally be taking in playing it is somewhat diminished. I'm not all that great at partitioning all feelings anymore. Ironic.
"Am I standing still?"
I've been humming a lot in the last couple days. I can't stop. I find myself doing it at my desk and singing in the shower. I'm always on the verge of tears.
Super Smash Bros. is hard. I think the pleasure I would normally be taking in playing it is somewhat diminished. I'm not all that great at partitioning all feelings anymore. Ironic.
"Am I standing still?"
I've been humming a lot in the last couple days. I can't stop. I find myself doing it at my desk and singing in the shower. I'm always on the verge of tears.
Thursday, December 06, 2001
Coffee Beans
In resolving what I know is right, there are emotions that act as anchors. I believe people can change, but I'm also wise enough to know that I cannot change them. Perhaps I can be the catalyst for change, but the ultimate decision is not mine. That being the case, I must have have piece of mind.
I've asked Bobby to bring my bed over so that I can put it in the room. I'm going to move the computer back into the main room and put my bed in the corner. Two beds will definitely take up a lot of space, but I'm really not comfortable sleeping on the couch and not "our" bed either.
My structured side wants to follow-up and make sure that he follows through with therapy and show interest in any progress being made. My Super Ego is dicating moral clauses and is resolute in not engaging in any emotional contact at all. I have obvious living situations that make that improbable and that's too cold--even for me. I would like to be a friend without the pretense of our relationship. That's easier said that done because we can't simply "water faucet" our feelings. It will be difficult.
"People....you can never change the way they feel. Better let them do just what they will..." ("Kissing a Fool" by George Michael) The lyrics are familiar to me right now because of everyone's opinion about what is going on. Each of my friends have their personal thoughts and points of view. I value their input, but as always, it is Jeremy who has to live through the decisions that I make. They merely have to watch the life unfold.
This last phone call I got here at work, someone is calling in for the 2nd night in a row because their phone time is one hour ahead when they goto their local Starbucks. People have too much time on their hands.
I've asked Bobby to bring my bed over so that I can put it in the room. I'm going to move the computer back into the main room and put my bed in the corner. Two beds will definitely take up a lot of space, but I'm really not comfortable sleeping on the couch and not "our" bed either.
My structured side wants to follow-up and make sure that he follows through with therapy and show interest in any progress being made. My Super Ego is dicating moral clauses and is resolute in not engaging in any emotional contact at all. I have obvious living situations that make that improbable and that's too cold--even for me. I would like to be a friend without the pretense of our relationship. That's easier said that done because we can't simply "water faucet" our feelings. It will be difficult.
"People....you can never change the way they feel. Better let them do just what they will..." ("Kissing a Fool" by George Michael) The lyrics are familiar to me right now because of everyone's opinion about what is going on. Each of my friends have their personal thoughts and points of view. I value their input, but as always, it is Jeremy who has to live through the decisions that I make. They merely have to watch the life unfold.
This last phone call I got here at work, someone is calling in for the 2nd night in a row because their phone time is one hour ahead when they goto their local Starbucks. People have too much time on their hands.
Monday, December 03, 2001
Descend Burr
Mom's bday brunch yesterday was nice. I was tired from only two hours of sleep, but I rested up afterwards on Sarah's air-inflated "chair."
Today: Super Smash Bros. Melee !!
** YES **
Reclining in this comfortable work chair--they had to make them comfortable seeing as we sit on our asses all day here--I began laughing at my 1st acid experience. The part where I was in Pavillions and fascinated by the lawn chairs. So much so, that I tried to sit on one while it was on the shelf display. Nathan stopped me before going that far, but I still managed to take the chair down and sit in in in the middle of the aisle. I felt like Lily Tomlin in the big chair.
Bobby & I went to a small rave in Moreno Valley on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. It was a night to try and get away from my surroundings in Irvine. I had no intention of rolling with my bday party coming up this Saturday, but as the music played on and I was starting to have fun I thought about the party itself. I thought about how it might not make sense to be rolling around all my friends and that I would enjoy them more sober and playing video games than fluttering from place to place, dancing. So we did roll and in a way I'm glad it was just the two of us. It was special that way, like a pre-birthday party with my 'lil bro.
The boys were fun to look at, but I had very little to exchange in the way of words. It was amusing how the boys had no sense of age determination. I'm sure the thought was that if I was at a rave I had to be at least somewhat around their age. Their guesses of my age ranged from 20-22. The navy boy remarked that I act like I'm 15. Hah...okay bi-boy, trying to figure out if the other boys were tops or bottoms, stick to bouncing on the floor to keep that gyrating brain in place. I felt free and single, but still tied and taken. Bobby & I had our fill of eye-candy which just gave me more reason to keep dancing. The straight boys were the best because, comfrotable in their own sexuality, it was cool to just hang out and not feel looked down upon or intimidated.
At one point I sensed my grandmother, or I focused on a thought of safety in thinking about her. It was at that moment that I realized that I am going to be okay whatever the outcome with Randy & I. There was also the Ghandi saying, "You must be the change you wish in the world."
And so....I'm changing. Still dealing with anger, hurt & love. Like I told Randy last night, loving isn't the hard part; liking is.
Today: Super Smash Bros. Melee !!
** YES **
Reclining in this comfortable work chair--they had to make them comfortable seeing as we sit on our asses all day here--I began laughing at my 1st acid experience. The part where I was in Pavillions and fascinated by the lawn chairs. So much so, that I tried to sit on one while it was on the shelf display. Nathan stopped me before going that far, but I still managed to take the chair down and sit in in in the middle of the aisle. I felt like Lily Tomlin in the big chair.
Bobby & I went to a small rave in Moreno Valley on Saturday Night/Sunday Morning. It was a night to try and get away from my surroundings in Irvine. I had no intention of rolling with my bday party coming up this Saturday, but as the music played on and I was starting to have fun I thought about the party itself. I thought about how it might not make sense to be rolling around all my friends and that I would enjoy them more sober and playing video games than fluttering from place to place, dancing. So we did roll and in a way I'm glad it was just the two of us. It was special that way, like a pre-birthday party with my 'lil bro.
The boys were fun to look at, but I had very little to exchange in the way of words. It was amusing how the boys had no sense of age determination. I'm sure the thought was that if I was at a rave I had to be at least somewhat around their age. Their guesses of my age ranged from 20-22. The navy boy remarked that I act like I'm 15. Hah...okay bi-boy, trying to figure out if the other boys were tops or bottoms, stick to bouncing on the floor to keep that gyrating brain in place. I felt free and single, but still tied and taken. Bobby & I had our fill of eye-candy which just gave me more reason to keep dancing. The straight boys were the best because, comfrotable in their own sexuality, it was cool to just hang out and not feel looked down upon or intimidated.
At one point I sensed my grandmother, or I focused on a thought of safety in thinking about her. It was at that moment that I realized that I am going to be okay whatever the outcome with Randy & I. There was also the Ghandi saying, "You must be the change you wish in the world."
And so....I'm changing. Still dealing with anger, hurt & love. Like I told Randy last night, loving isn't the hard part; liking is.
Saturday, December 01, 2001
Thigh Pain
I tried running this morning. Half way through my heart hurt so much that I slowed to a staggering walk.
I was up before the alarm at 7:30. Maybe I never slept, who knows? Mom's b-day tomorrow.
***
1:14 p.m.
***
I was reading my entries from the last month and into October. It makes me more angry and my chest constricts; to have voiced my feelings with Randy knowing full well what they were all about. I sickens me that people have such ugliness in them. It sickens me because I can understand where it stems from and that I would like to forgive it. Catholicism at it's best. Zen. Everything Zen. Detached. To detach one's self from someone else removes the possibility of suffering. This is all well & good. Maybe I should read more on the internet because it just seems to lack a human component. How can I enjoy the party next week? But we all know how quickly events can change in a week, day, hour, or how I can live one life in a reality of my own while the truth is holding hands on a beach.
I was up before the alarm at 7:30. Maybe I never slept, who knows? Mom's b-day tomorrow.
***
1:14 p.m.
***
I was reading my entries from the last month and into October. It makes me more angry and my chest constricts; to have voiced my feelings with Randy knowing full well what they were all about. I sickens me that people have such ugliness in them. It sickens me because I can understand where it stems from and that I would like to forgive it. Catholicism at it's best. Zen. Everything Zen. Detached. To detach one's self from someone else removes the possibility of suffering. This is all well & good. Maybe I should read more on the internet because it just seems to lack a human component. How can I enjoy the party next week? But we all know how quickly events can change in a week, day, hour, or how I can live one life in a reality of my own while the truth is holding hands on a beach.
