On Thursday morning I woke up in Ontario. It was strange to be back in the last chapter of my life. As I got in my car and started driving down Euclid, I remembered Sebastian was back in school this week preparing his classroom for next week. I thought about Steve Harrison and thought that maybe he'd be at his school preparing so I drove around Riverside Dr., Walnut, Grove & Campus looking for his junior high. I finally found it admid a flurry of construction. Their portable school was being turned into actual buildings.
I parked my car and saw this man pulling a cart behind him. The walk was strangely familiar. I know that sounds weird...how does one recognize another by a walk, but there is a distinctiveness to most of our walks. Fuck.. I'm just observant--albeit with random selectiveness. It was Randy Young, my science teacher from junior high. This was fitting that I should see him first after leaving Randy Avery's house not 20 minutes earlier. I called out to him and he walked me over to Steve's room. Red-face surprise.
He hadn't aged in my eyes. It was a reconnection that made me feel really good. Had to leave for school, but I got his new address to keep in touch.
Nathan is coming here for the weekend. I lucked out and by shift swapping was able to get the entire weekend off. I don't know who is smiling upon me, but this is perfect timing.
I see myself as not specializing. What do I mean by that. I think I mean that I'm not taking any interest in a particular field in life or wanting to become knowledgable of any one thing. I don't read. I don't watch the news. I'm more interested in watching people or spending time with friends. My specialization is people in a way; helping them to see or feel. I'm changed by the experience as well.
I went to Oasis in Upland on Wednesday Night. On the way up, I picked Randy Avery up and we went to go and hang out. The place was not as bad as I remembered it. To me, it was the equivalent of the Inland Empire's Boom Boom Room: a local hangout. We had fun drinking a little and talking. The music was decent. The club is the most mixed male/female place that I can remember for a gay club.
My past with this Randy is from a time in life when I was a child to relationships. I ran before trying to communicate. I didn't know how to express my feelings beyond hurt and anger. It was very new to be loved and love in return. This Randy was really my first, true relationship. When we parted on bad terms, it was very simple just to cast him aside. In later years, we would reconnect, but always be geographically distanced which made it easy to just bury my feelings. (Like Jared & Jeremy never being around to linger, I have put the feelings for them to rest.) Spending the night with Randy took me back to being the affectionate piece of me that never showed through at the time.
I realized that I want to cuddle & companionship, but I don't want a relationship right now. I'm not willing to make the time for a relationship. I want to get me back to a complete person as possible. Right now, although functional, I feel like I'm "getting by." I also feel that things are getting better. I notice little things that I say and do that I'm glad I'm doing again. Speaking up when otherwise I might be silent and vice versa. Closeness to people that I'm feeling again. Clarity to see something although it may be painful. (i.e. Ryan) Being silly again and having fun with it.
Friday, August 29, 2003
Monday, August 25, 2003
Huggies
You can feel a lot in a hug. Some people make it short, casual. There is no squeeze, maybe just a pat on the back. Some people let it linger. Some people rub their hand up and down your back. Some people kiss the cheek or neck--not suggestively.
I was lying here in bed and staring at the ceiling. I thought about when the next I might see Ryan would be. How would that be? I was picturing some type of public place where I was with my friends and he was with his and we noticed each other. I smile a short twitch of the corners of my mouth and do a very subdued hand gesture saying "hi" from a distance and mouthing the words without sound. In his eyes I can see that he doesn't know exactly how to react. I feel somewhat the same inside. I'm happy and sad. Happy for the chance meeting again, sad because it forces memories. We hug, and I don't want to let go.
A hug can be very close.
I was lying here in bed and staring at the ceiling. I thought about when the next I might see Ryan would be. How would that be? I was picturing some type of public place where I was with my friends and he was with his and we noticed each other. I smile a short twitch of the corners of my mouth and do a very subdued hand gesture saying "hi" from a distance and mouthing the words without sound. In his eyes I can see that he doesn't know exactly how to react. I feel somewhat the same inside. I'm happy and sad. Happy for the chance meeting again, sad because it forces memories. We hug, and I don't want to let go.
A hug can be very close.
Friday, August 22, 2003
Standing in the dark of night under the moon & stars and the train goes by
6:56am Oh my god.. the kiss.. the kiss... the kiss. (hmm...what would be my god exactly?) Holding him and smelling him and feeling him. It's all so poignant. It's what I want.
Rainy Eyes
3:46am Emotion taxes. I bet Bush can't help cut those this year or any other. Doubtful that any president has that kind of power. Without an Emotional Tax, we would hardly value the emotion itself. If we could have something effortlessly, without work, then what would be the incentive or drive for wanting it? The perfect example for me is pretty much anything that I have applied myself in work-wise. The jobs are incredibly easy on the task level and therefore I've never really held any value (save my paycheck) with any of the jobs I've had.
I've learned to value the effort it takes in maintaining and sustaining a relationship. It isn't always easy. There are long periods of time that are easy, but there are also intense moments when emotions are strained. I didn't realize how much I cared for Ryan until there was a moment when I knew he wouldn't be coming by anymore. I realized how much he had begun to shape in my world and how I liked that.
I went driving around today. I rushed a shower so that I could make it to IVC by 2pm for my student I.D. card. I walked through the door as the attendant was going to lock it. I could see on his face that he didn't want to let me in, but I forced my way through anyway. The clock in his office still showed 5 minutes til. I liked the picture. When I left the campus, the sun was out, sky was blue, my windows were down and I smiled I think for the first time all week. (A smile that wasn't forced or done in the presence of company.) The music was happy. As I drove down Irvine Center Drive, I thought about Ryan and my smile went away. I responded to an e-mail that he wrote me last night and said was as open and forthright as I think I can be without opening my brain up for inspection.
I spent some time with Mark tonight. I called Ryan. As we were talking and I was driving home I came to the 22/605 FWY split and instinct told me to drive to his house. I felt myself start to fight the instinct off but if I haven't learned to trust it yet I don't know when that lesson will be learned. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk, talking to him, leaning against a tree, I heard the front door open. I thought for sure it was him coming outside, but I was wrong. It was his sister's boyfriend leaving. Here I was looking suspcious lurking out in front of the house, crying, sniffling and he walks right by me to get to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it was Ryan coming out.
He needs space. I need to give it. And look... school is just four days away.
I've learned to value the effort it takes in maintaining and sustaining a relationship. It isn't always easy. There are long periods of time that are easy, but there are also intense moments when emotions are strained. I didn't realize how much I cared for Ryan until there was a moment when I knew he wouldn't be coming by anymore. I realized how much he had begun to shape in my world and how I liked that.
I went driving around today. I rushed a shower so that I could make it to IVC by 2pm for my student I.D. card. I walked through the door as the attendant was going to lock it. I could see on his face that he didn't want to let me in, but I forced my way through anyway. The clock in his office still showed 5 minutes til. I liked the picture. When I left the campus, the sun was out, sky was blue, my windows were down and I smiled I think for the first time all week. (A smile that wasn't forced or done in the presence of company.) The music was happy. As I drove down Irvine Center Drive, I thought about Ryan and my smile went away. I responded to an e-mail that he wrote me last night and said was as open and forthright as I think I can be without opening my brain up for inspection.
I spent some time with Mark tonight. I called Ryan. As we were talking and I was driving home I came to the 22/605 FWY split and instinct told me to drive to his house. I felt myself start to fight the instinct off but if I haven't learned to trust it yet I don't know when that lesson will be learned. As I'm sitting on the sidewalk, talking to him, leaning against a tree, I heard the front door open. I thought for sure it was him coming outside, but I was wrong. It was his sister's boyfriend leaving. Here I was looking suspcious lurking out in front of the house, crying, sniffling and he walks right by me to get to his truck. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it was Ryan coming out.
He needs space. I need to give it. And look... school is just four days away.
Thursday, August 21, 2003
Oh so random...
I'm just "really" waking up and checking mail and had this thought.... Probably a handful of the people that talk about Randy's Ryan sleeping around themselves are quite the sluts when I think about it. They play the field and have plenty of sex. Jealousy? No, probably not, but I think sometime people fail to look at their own actions or will justify them as a means to an end. I know I do it too.
Wednesday, August 20, 2003
Attachments so soon
It's the folley & fruitfulness of youth to be driven by passion so early on. That's what I told Sebastian in a conversation I'm having with him online right now regarding Scott in his life. I'm thinking that perhaps not just of youth, but of relationship maturity in general. Experience. Then again, I'm thinking it's the romance winning instead of a person's emotional royal guard. We all die eventually....so enjoy.
Rewetting Drops
1:32am Another Bravo night over. Surprising events to me. It's nice to have my pre-conceived concepts shattered.
I'm about to drift into "la la" sleep...I feel my head getting heavy. I'm on MSN Messenger still trying to decide if I like it or not. Pros and cons to everything. Life.
Jose dropped his phone down the gutter opening in front of our house. I thought it was going to be lost for sure, but we got the manhole cover open and he climbed down to fish it out. I laughed and also felt a sense of, "wow.. that's not something I would normally partake in but I'm glad I did."
Met Brad. Funny thing is he's been to the house before through Art. It's a good thing I make my own decisions on character. I never would have gotten to know Ken otherwise. Perhaps not Eddy now.
Sleep time. Need to solidify some family & friend thoughts soon. What do the friendster.com connections mean to me?
I'm about to drift into "la la" sleep...I feel my head getting heavy. I'm on MSN Messenger still trying to decide if I like it or not. Pros and cons to everything. Life.
Jose dropped his phone down the gutter opening in front of our house. I thought it was going to be lost for sure, but we got the manhole cover open and he climbed down to fish it out. I laughed and also felt a sense of, "wow.. that's not something I would normally partake in but I'm glad I did."
Met Brad. Funny thing is he's been to the house before through Art. It's a good thing I make my own decisions on character. I never would have gotten to know Ken otherwise. Perhaps not Eddy now.
Sleep time. Need to solidify some family & friend thoughts soon. What do the friendster.com connections mean to me?
Monday, August 18, 2003
Squeaky hinges
2:42am There was a band/music group called 'Front 242.' Thought of this because of the time.
Can Reese's Pieces soothe the soul and make everything okay again? (I'm sure on a mission to find out.) I keep buying the one pound bags from Sav-on and chowing down on them when I arrive at work. If I live to be 100, I'll attribute it to the candy so that all of the parents of the time will have a hard time arguing with their children about the evils of sugar-foods. Atkins who?
2:58am No music group for this number. It's the week of Fall semester starting. Were Ryan and I just some nice Summer fling that was wonderful while it lasted, but the reality was looming over us the entire time? That would be a nice, movie ending. Doesn't play well in my reality.
Friendster strikes a message from a new person. Brad. Interesting bloke, but 23. Not that I'm looking at the moment--because I'm not. I've decided that there will be no dating for the entire Semester so that I may focus on me and only me. It will give me time to stop being sad about Rye. fuck fuck fuck.. grr
It's not just Ryan. After seeing Grandma Jean last year, I've really had no contact with her or Marthalee. I was hand writing some thoughts down earlier and I came to the conclusion that I don't deal with LOSS very well. I've never really faced it. I think I'll include the thoughts at a later date. They were a lot more thought out than what is on the surface of my mind now. I feel hot all over. It's like the flashes of heat except not flashing, just constant.
I spent much of the weekend with Chuck. I know there's a safety there that I can count on. I always have. We went to Motherload, The Abbey & then Popstarz on Friday night. As much as I could, I had a blast. It was nice to feel attractive, but the eyes were hollow compared to what I wanted.
Matt and I talked about going to a martini bar in Hollywood and getting a manicure. Hahaha. Never had one in my whole life. I think it's supposed to be a bar geared toward women. LINK: http://beautybar.com/HTML/lamain.html
3:37am I saw one of the shooting (falling) stars Saturday night. It was bright. Brilliant. It fell slowly and I thought of what wish I might make.
It brought tears to my eyes.
Can Reese's Pieces soothe the soul and make everything okay again? (I'm sure on a mission to find out.) I keep buying the one pound bags from Sav-on and chowing down on them when I arrive at work. If I live to be 100, I'll attribute it to the candy so that all of the parents of the time will have a hard time arguing with their children about the evils of sugar-foods. Atkins who?
2:58am No music group for this number. It's the week of Fall semester starting. Were Ryan and I just some nice Summer fling that was wonderful while it lasted, but the reality was looming over us the entire time? That would be a nice, movie ending. Doesn't play well in my reality.
Friendster strikes a message from a new person. Brad. Interesting bloke, but 23. Not that I'm looking at the moment--because I'm not. I've decided that there will be no dating for the entire Semester so that I may focus on me and only me. It will give me time to stop being sad about Rye. fuck fuck fuck.. grr
It's not just Ryan. After seeing Grandma Jean last year, I've really had no contact with her or Marthalee. I was hand writing some thoughts down earlier and I came to the conclusion that I don't deal with LOSS very well. I've never really faced it. I think I'll include the thoughts at a later date. They were a lot more thought out than what is on the surface of my mind now. I feel hot all over. It's like the flashes of heat except not flashing, just constant.
I spent much of the weekend with Chuck. I know there's a safety there that I can count on. I always have. We went to Motherload, The Abbey & then Popstarz on Friday night. As much as I could, I had a blast. It was nice to feel attractive, but the eyes were hollow compared to what I wanted.
Matt and I talked about going to a martini bar in Hollywood and getting a manicure. Hahaha. Never had one in my whole life. I think it's supposed to be a bar geared toward women. LINK: http://beautybar.com/HTML/lamain.html
3:37am I saw one of the shooting (falling) stars Saturday night. It was bright. Brilliant. It fell slowly and I thought of what wish I might make.
It brought tears to my eyes.
Friday, August 15, 2003
Strength to be...
Maybe I just simply am not ready yet.
When I told Sebastian & Chuck a week ago that if you don't want anyone to know about something then you can't tell a single person. I was thinking this during the online separation that occurred between Ryan and I. Our talk last night left me empty. Learning one's intent through deceit may satisfy the search for knowledge, but trying to explain this is completely different. Everything I said was true. Everything I felt was correct. But intent equals content...and hurt and anger came through.
I paid for school. Two classes. Tuesday & Thursday. No books. Great.
instinct.
I hate myself sometimes.
it hurts so often
When I told Sebastian & Chuck a week ago that if you don't want anyone to know about something then you can't tell a single person. I was thinking this during the online separation that occurred between Ryan and I. Our talk last night left me empty. Learning one's intent through deceit may satisfy the search for knowledge, but trying to explain this is completely different. Everything I said was true. Everything I felt was correct. But intent equals content...and hurt and anger came through.
I paid for school. Two classes. Tuesday & Thursday. No books. Great.
instinct.
I hate myself sometimes.
it hurts so often
Cages
I said my peace. I'm hurting. I think he is too. I just want honesty. I want communication. I cannot hide away in silence and expect that happiness will rain down magically.
I returned Laney's phone calls from earlier in the week. He wants me to visit him. Apparently he & Shane are definitely done. I cannot entertain the thought of a visit until I know what is going on with Ryan. The gamut of emotions. On the one hand he says he wouldn't deal with this situation if he wer ein my shoes, but also says he wants to be with me. He feels trapped and I've created the situation to feel that way. Dammit.
Grandma Jean's passing on Monday takes another piece of me. I sensed it. It's a deep connection that fades. I understand why people die of broken hearts. They are so intertwined emotionally and spiritually with their mate that the loss cannot be filled. Today is Gradma Jean & Grandma June's birthday. Twins separated are whole again. Though I do not fear death, I do not deal with these losses lightly.
Chuck is a good guy.
I'm hot with emotions. Sniffles. Watery Eyes. If only Nyquil could cure the pain in my heart.
I returned Laney's phone calls from earlier in the week. He wants me to visit him. Apparently he & Shane are definitely done. I cannot entertain the thought of a visit until I know what is going on with Ryan. The gamut of emotions. On the one hand he says he wouldn't deal with this situation if he wer ein my shoes, but also says he wants to be with me. He feels trapped and I've created the situation to feel that way. Dammit.
Grandma Jean's passing on Monday takes another piece of me. I sensed it. It's a deep connection that fades. I understand why people die of broken hearts. They are so intertwined emotionally and spiritually with their mate that the loss cannot be filled. Today is Gradma Jean & Grandma June's birthday. Twins separated are whole again. Though I do not fear death, I do not deal with these losses lightly.
Chuck is a good guy.
I'm hot with emotions. Sniffles. Watery Eyes. If only Nyquil could cure the pain in my heart.
