yea yea

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is only a test because there is no way this could be real , right? Because if this was real then something must have happened. I'm still breathing and I think the rest of the world is still here, but maybe it's not. I went home for lunch and there was silence, and eerie something that hung in the air; awkwardness about moods and eating. Everybody has two sides. It's true. True, truth, truthest. Headache. I need a project to keep me busy until school starts. I thought of the closet with all of the many papers and memories, but I think that will be a bigger project than I have time for. School does begin in 28 days. The Mother's Day idea fell through. No one really responded too much and I didn't do prodding. I didn't feel like it. I don't want to feel like I used to in years past so I just let it go. I read a few other people's diary in the diary ring I'm in and I realized how disjointed I am. It's just exactly like I feel. The next 45 minutes until I'm off of work can't pass fast enough.

I got the official PASS score for the CBEST. Yeah.

shot out of cannon in D Major

Lights.....flickers......sadness.....glossy brain. I want to be left alone, but there's so much around me. I want to be touched, but not right now. I had a good laugh over the weekend tearing down a wall with my brother in my mother's garage, but it's a fleeting moment and then I run away again. Food & fun, but nothing really deep. FLickering....candlelight. Tears that won't come out; a yawn that holds them in, pushes them out around the rim of my half closed eyes. Blink. Are we really all made of stars as Moby would recite?

peek it

Seven more days and I can see the results of my CBEST test. It would really be a shame to my ego if I didn't pass it. I guess it wouldn't be THAT bad since I'm not even 1/4 of the way to completing my B.A. Ahh... hoops.

Last weekend, Randy & I drove up to Seattle. It was a quick visit. I wish it didn't have to be that way. I blame this shitty system of living we've developed, one where money and capitalism takes precedence over a person's life. Where are our priorities?

There's a spider above head. I happened to glance up on the darkness and can see the darker spot on the ceiling than is normal. Maybe I'll type faster now.

In my head I can't stop thinking about Grandma Jean, my mother, Marthalee, Randy, Nathan, D.R., Randy C, Chuck, Art, my brothers and sister. There are books I have not written, classes still waiting to be taken. There are children that I want to raise. There are roads not fully travelled and roads not even trod upon. I worry. I feel myself out of touch; almost like I've lost my way but yet I haven't. I'm still sensitive to more than anyone will ever know, dramatic, maybe even a little disappointed by choosing to grow a little older.

I keep thinking that time will sort me out, but I think I worry because I already know the answer.

hot flashes

Flash heat when I think about the slowness of change. I think about this because of the high school class that I spoke in front of for PFLAG today. It was a great class; good questions. The "kids" (and man do they look like kids) were very insightful. We found out at the end of the class from one of the administrators that a parent had called to protest our presence there. Flash heat for sure.

Hahaha...remember that dream entry about the neighbor boy. We've since gained an evening of observation among friends. It's funny to see the ways he will try and find to speak with Randy. Flash heat. I'm not completely healed yet. Maybe my expectations are too high to be healed. I still love him. That had not ever been in question.

D.R. will be re-signing the lease with us, but will be looking to buy his own house before the end of the lease.

I stayed up last night IM-chatting with Alex, the newly crowned Miss WET Chunti Princess of the greater Inland Empire. He's such a nut. In some ways he reminds me of how I used to idealize before I made certain choices. I enjoyed picking apart websites until I realized I had to go to bed to wake up for the class this morning.

Smushy Time. Hahahaha... I love it.

open entries

I'm online right now talking with Alex. I was starting to discuss with him something that is really a private conversation to be had with Randy so I stopped. Mom just sent some cute pics of Sarah posing. It was a good interruption to my conversation.

The rain has been pelting for the last half hour. I like the sound. Maybe I'm just feeling really emotional today. I few times my eyes have welled up with tears. I began reading CONTACT by Carl Sagan. Two chapters in...so far, so good. I wonder if seeing the movie will have ruined any surprises. LOL

So something everyday that scares you, huh? I have that in my profile on AOL. How often do I follow that? Not enough. I think the things that scare me are the social constraints. I think that when I choose to do something out of the norm is when I draw attention to myself in what may commonly be thought to be a bad light. I think I'm pull out the asshole from the closet when I'm in those thoughts. I'm biting my lip right now and chewing off the dead skin. It's kind of like a metaphor.

I'm looking forward to the party that Bobby & Joey are having later tonight. It's been a while since they've had one at the house. I know I'll be crashing there already. Alex has mentioned that Danny wants to taste one of my full-o-alochol but cannot taste that shit drinks. How cute. The whole group of them are good to my soul. There's a strong sense of family when I'm hanging out with them. I think those wells have finally arrived.

I drink some water from my happy face cup because I think maybe that face on the cup could be mine. But it's not. It's just a cup. And the rain drowns out the sound of the keyboard.

criss cross colored thoughts

I woke up after my short 3 hours of sleep with a feeling of having to go to the bathroom but being too lazy to get up. I was comfy. Warm. Why lose that so that my bladder could feel better? I guess because the warmth from peeing in bed would soon fade and then it would be cold, uncomfortable and smelly. See.....the child doesn't always win in my head.

My brain isn't quite aware that the rest of my body still wants to be asleep. I have today to myself. No work. I've paid all my bills, made plans for tonight to hang out with Chuck & Ken; Art & his new Beau. Randy & I will be on the other end of the relationship spectrum, neither dating or trying to figure out if we will develop into boyfriends, but an actual couple discussing opening up a joint savings account. I'm so much in love that it scares me.

I started writing an entry last night about how I feel this duality in me. Randy and I are talking about buying a home; planning. It's that dream I've wanted. Oh...demons within. The boy with the dream reached through the mirror with no reflection and lived another life for a while. Would Randy love the person I was at 18? Nine years has darkened me. Maybe it's given me a contrast to compare. Maybe an apple once bitten reveals the waxy truth nothing is what it seems. Have the experiences and walks outside of my box delivered me--as I am today--wrapped in a bow? (Imperfections as well as my teddy bear arms)

I got an e-mail back from Marthalee. I'm trying to plan a roadtrip to Seattle the week of Labor Day. The drive would be nice. Mt. Shasta...blue skies, green trees. I close my eyes and inhale.

"Ain't No Sunshine"

My last entry had been so long in between that I didn't change the format of how the date was displayed. That OCD part of me wants to go back and fix it. That inconsistent, "who cares" part of me is winning out today.

I start work in one hour. I've just finished going through e-mail. Chuck is online in the Boston Cyber community looking for lodging information. It's prompted a short, but tasty conversation about call boys and slaves. Okay. Done with that.

I think I'm standing up today. I'm gonna use some crutches. Maybe some knee pads.

stumpy

I just feel inside like I keep falling down and skinning my knees and everytime I stand up I fall down again.

That's not normal, right?

j.r.me

Silver Spurs

Just when you think something is going well, the tide turns without warning. It's probably something that I feed on and loathe at the same time. Through all of my thoughts right now.....I'm hungry.

Fundamentals or overtones? It used to be an easy choice because I never thought about it. I just looked at the words and went with whatever words came to mind. I never really understood the difference between them. I can't say I honestly do today either. Did that change the results of the test or make it even more true?

What conversations should never be had? Just about all of the ones that the inner sense of peace attends to. I'm in such an automatic mode right now. It truly is my way or the highway; a signature survival mode that I cherish for the strength it brings me and endure for the pain it inflicts.

My heart attack is still a few years off.

brotherly love

A letter to my mother's cousin... how does that work now? 1st cousins, once removed? Or is it 2nd cousins? Someone e-mail me... lol

*****
*****

Marthalee,

I was roused quite early this morning. My work schedule for the past few months has been Monday-Friday, 1:30pm to 10pm. When I first picked this shift to work I thought it was ideal for my “creature-of-habit” ways, being up late and sleeping in. As it turns out, I was right, but the down side to this swing-shift schedule is that my friends and boyfriend are usually asleep by the time I get home and there’s no one around in the mornings so I basically only see people on the weekends. This morning, I had signed up to speak for PFLAG at a local community college. I still do this every semester; pretty much my only contribution back to the gay community. It’s very satisfying sitting in college classrooms and having a dialogue with people about who and what I am in the hope that later generations will have less intolerance and more understanding. (And I think that being in a college environment still satiates a need that I’ve never fulfilled by actually completing college yet.)

The class was pretty mild with their questions. I think as the years wear on that people seem to feel they “know” more about gay because of the media. Or perhaps it’s not the media per se, but that more people are “out” and visible and so people have had more contact with gay people. Whatever the case, I’m sensing that perhaps in my lifetime it won’t be necessary to go and speak in front a class anymore. Boy, wouldn’t that be nice. I know that things are changing; I’ve always been impatient with change.

Something touched me at the end of the class. A guy came up to our panel of speakers and asked what he could do or say to let his younger brother know that he was okay with him being gay. You could tell that the guy felt a little awkward approaching us. You could also tell how much he loved his brother. He told us how his dad would call his brother a faggot and how he could see what a distance was developing. It’s moments like this that make speaking all the more relevant and rewarding.

I was out last night with a friend and he mentioned he had never been to Seattle. I got to thinking and it’s been three years since I’ve been there. It was Valentine’s Day weekend of 1999. It seems forever ago. I’d like to make some plans to come up maybe toward the end of Summer. Do you have plans? Vacations? Wild, reckless abandon trips to the moon?

Byron & I spent a brief afternoon with Gary, Gail & the girls early in January. While there, we spoke with Grandpa Vern on the phone. He doesn’t sound at all well. From the descriptions that I get from Gary and my mom (separately), it sounds like Grandpa has begun to shut down and settle up in Hoodsport to rest. I wrote him a letter last week. I encouraged him to move down here to his property at The River. I sense though—as I might if I were in his situation—that he’s more comfortable (mentally) where he is, a place of familiar surroundings. I also sense that he doesn’t want to be a burden to his children. This is an irony of the parent-child relationship. In our youth we’re running away to break the ties from our parents while they are hard at work clasping to that control over us. In our parent’s age they are still the parents, not wanting to impart the responsibility of parenting on us over them as we have finally come home to assume this natural progression. In my letter I talked of the family feud between my mother and Gary. I wondered how he viewed that. I’m not even sure at this stage whether he would understand my letter or not. I hope that a generation of unspoken words between he and I were somehow transmitted in my letter. That’s the problem I often face with family members: I’m never quite sure what to say, but always hope that it will all be said in the end.

I just got back from spending last weekend in Las Vegas. A friend was having a birthday celebration there. (He does every year) When I leave the sanctuary of California public buildings, I have to remember to bring a gas mask. The hotels in Las Vegas are filled with cigarette smoke. You don’t realize how sullied you are until you go back to your room where there isn’t any smoke and yet can still smell it just as pungently because it’s imbedded in your clothes. I’ve never much liked the smell of smoke. I’m all for people’s right to do what they want, when they want with their bodies, but don’t include me in the chimney. =)

I’m not much of a gambler. I allow myself $20 to play with when I go. If I lose that in the first few minutes I’m done for the weekend. I never play slots. I stick to the Blackjack tables. I guess I want to feel that I’ve put more than just the luck of the cosmos in the pull of a slot arm, so I sit and make decisions of life & death sizzle like, “Should I hit on 13 with the dealer showing a 10?” …of course, this decision is being made over a $1.00 bet. I tried not to get too stressed out, haha. As it turned out, I ended up keeping my $20 and taking another $76 from the Sahara Hotel. Not too shabby.

At present I’m living in Irvine, CA. I’ll include all my info below. I live across the street from my community college. I’m two miles from work at Verizon Wireless. (I do tech support on the phones) We live in a cute little planned community called Woodbridge. There are two manmade lakes in the center that are nice and peaceful to walk around. The “we” is my boyfriend, Randy, and another friend, David. Randy & I have been dating now for about 13 months. Time…oh time…

Hugs to Mark and Grandma Jean. I hope to see you all soon.