criss cross colored thoughts

I woke up after my short 3 hours of sleep with a feeling of having to go to the bathroom but being too lazy to get up. I was comfy. Warm. Why lose that so that my bladder could feel better? I guess because the warmth from peeing in bed would soon fade and then it would be cold, uncomfortable and smelly. See.....the child doesn't always win in my head.

My brain isn't quite aware that the rest of my body still wants to be asleep. I have today to myself. No work. I've paid all my bills, made plans for tonight to hang out with Chuck & Ken; Art & his new Beau. Randy & I will be on the other end of the relationship spectrum, neither dating or trying to figure out if we will develop into boyfriends, but an actual couple discussing opening up a joint savings account. I'm so much in love that it scares me.

I started writing an entry last night about how I feel this duality in me. Randy and I are talking about buying a home; planning. It's that dream I've wanted. Oh...demons within. The boy with the dream reached through the mirror with no reflection and lived another life for a while. Would Randy love the person I was at 18? Nine years has darkened me. Maybe it's given me a contrast to compare. Maybe an apple once bitten reveals the waxy truth nothing is what it seems. Have the experiences and walks outside of my box delivered me--as I am today--wrapped in a bow? (Imperfections as well as my teddy bear arms)

I got an e-mail back from Marthalee. I'm trying to plan a roadtrip to Seattle the week of Labor Day. The drive would be nice. Mt. Shasta...blue skies, green trees. I close my eyes and inhale.