1:12am
...and my "sleeplist" is still playing. I don't know how that's possible because it's 14 songs that total about 57 minutes. I started it when I turned out all the lights and put my head down a little after 11pm. The function for continuous repeat is NOT on. I went to bed at such an early hour for me because the alarm is set to go off at 6am so that I can make the busses for an 8am doctor appointment. Naturally, I would be wide awake in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. I can taste the lunch I had yesterday in my mouth. Cardwell and I had Knowlwoods finally. We always talk about it but have never gone and eaten there. Simple enough. Burger joint. Jessica was kind enough to get our order wrong, but she was nice enough and apologetic. In this reflection, I pause, the mind wanders to the point where I just woke up and realized that I was awake because whatever dream I was having stopped. Being awakened from a dream that you're actively participating in is like being yanked from the playing field to bench or substitute when the adrenaline is pumping and your engaged in whatever sport it is; it's like sitting in front of the TV while watching one of your favorite TV shows and having an emergency "news" broadcast break in---OR WORSE YET, being in a movie theater where you're half way through a movie and the something happens to the projector so management is forced to give you a free pass. It's one time when you're compensated for your money and you still have a feeling of loss because you have to come back at some future time to find out what happened. So yea, here it is at 1:21am and I'm awake with a feeling of loss and the left shoulder of my tank-top is still slightly damp from the sweat of dream engagement and adrenaline pumping. The sleeplist ends.
I've decided to write instead of going online and talking to people because a part of me says that this is more productive. My subconscious is aware of thoughts that are weighing on me that the conscious part of my mind doesn't see or acknowledge. I find it both amazing and frustrating that a person's mind could develop to deal with stressful or disturbing thoughts in a way that nearly removes them from the conscious part of our daily actions. Every so often, there is that feeling that can come over you during the day that perhaps there's something we've forgotten; something that's on our mind but we don't quite know what it is. In a conversation with Cardwell and Rey some weeks ago, the idea was talked about that it's always easier to not do something--to take no action--than it is to make a decision and choose something for yourself. We are sometimes complacent, waiting for a situation or a set of circumstances to dictate a road of change. I feel thoughts. I feel everything around me. I think this is why SSRI's of my past trials were so drastic to me. It's not a tangible or objective thing that a doctor can see or that you can explain. SSRI's have always taken away my innate ability to feel those intangibles. So when that is something that I find integral to who I am, it was placing me in a different type of mood change. Lost. Stable, but lost. Now...I seem to have that ability to "sense" again. I don't feel as lost. However, I do feel that there is something I'm still holding myself back from fully feeling. I feel some type of guard on myself and I don't know if that's me protecting myself from things that should remain a mystery or me refusing to act upon something because it's easier to be complacent. We lock dangerous criminals up in cells that are in jails so that they are not free to cause more harm to the society around them. Couldn't a mind also lock up dangerous thoughts that might cause harm to one's self if they were released or acted upon in a conscious state?
Cardwell is worried about Nathan's distance and lack of response to our calls. I could just say, "Oh, he's busy with stuff and he'll call us when he can." But, there are many truths going on with our triad. Without any intention of malice from any of us, there is a growing separation due to a simple geographical component. Some people are able to bridge this and still take part in other people's lives; some do it for a short time and fade. I fear and feel that trailing off with Nathan. I've pleaded many times for him to just move back to SoCal so that we can be around each other, but that's ultimately one of those life steps that only Nathan can make happen. Another truth is that if people are important enough in your life you will go the extra mile and make time to call, write or in some way acknowledge their presence in your life. Some other personalities would throw in that it's not the frequency of interaction, but the quality during the time when you do have each other. As is often the case, I see a little of all this. So I have remained balanced and not tried to force Nathan to do something that he is not ready for. Reality.... sometimes we are never ready for something. We do our best to adjust and adapt. (Or we don't) So I know Nathan is in my head and this is ultimately a thought that I am burdening myself with because I love him dearly but at the same time I cannot do anything to effect change so I have to limit the amount of daily energy I spend worrying about this so that I can deal with the road in front of me.
Do you believe that my car issue is still not resolved from the car accident of December 18th? This has been a rollercoaster type of stress the past few months. It's finished, it's not. It's settled, it's not. I'm done paying anything, I'm not. The outlook for this next round is good, but godzooks already. An attached thought... my life of walking and taking the bus has been a pleasant change for the most part. I'm noticing my community a lot more.
Three and one half days and I'll be in the streets of Seattle. Marthalee has kittens at her house. The way that she interacts with my soul is so very, very gentle. That thought is soothing enough to put me back into a restful state. Now a few more hours of sleep.
