Black is Clear

I had an hour to kill from the time the bus dropped me off until my family was having our "farewell dinner" at Claim Jumper. I roamed around the shopping center near Alton & Culver. The bustle of people getting off of work and going out to eat had started. I spent an inordinately long amount of time in Rite-Aid just browsing things; bought the essentials that are needed to keep up the daily grooming thing. I thought I'd satisfy a spontaneous urge to paint my fingernails black so I bought a solid black bottle of nail polish. Come to find out it's a clear coat of some sort. I was not revving on Revlon at that moment.

Where is my spirit these days? I'm sure if you were to ask most people how their spirit was they would have a generic answer of "fine" or "ok" or "good" but really wouldn't know what the hell I was asking them. A couple of people have mentioned that I seem very, for lack of a better term, "flatline." Not real excited, not real down. To myself. I suppose I have been. I was describing to one person that by keeping things level, I am not bombarded by the stresses of change. I am not adding any drama to myself. I'm finding small things that bring me pleasure and building upon them. Believe it or not, I am reading "The Da Vinci Code" by Dan Brown. It's the illustrated version so I'm apt to enjoy it more than if I had to picture the words describing such foreign things as art, buildings, locations, icons. My brain sees other things, just not words so much. (Side note, the book was something that another passenger had left on the flight before mine back from Seattle. I guess the crews don't really clean all that well between flights.)

Meeting Kellan in Seattle was a nice highlight. I see him how I see so many of the "children" here in SoCal. Young, adult, learning, anxious, unsure and eager. He's very funny in person. It will be nice keeping in touch with him over the years and seeing what becomes of young Master Kellan.

During the past few days I've been hallucinating as I get tired. I'll start to close my eyes and immediately I drift into some story. The people seem real, the words can be heard. These are only seconds mind you. The bus will jolt and re-wake me. I'll be sitting at home and the motion of my body falling forward will thrust me back up again. I mentioned this to my doctor so he changed medication again. The strange thing to me is that it happens whether I've slept well or not the night before. I would like to believe that somehow my subconscious is trying to force things into view for me. Who knows....it could just be the random synthesis of everything going on around me at any given moment.

Without trying, I managed to push Ty away again. Dustin wants to watch "Latter Days" with me. I bought the DVD. Eddy wants me to join in a roadtrip to San Francisco for his birthday next month. I'm not sure yet. I feel like I just want to stay close to home. I feel like I want the beach weather to be here so that I can absorb some life.

Visiting at grandma's grave gave me a good moment of being in touch with myself; a good release of tears that have been held in place for a while. It reminds me how much I have this part of me that has been locked up for two years now and it can't be locked up any longer. Catch-22, it can't be released on just any old stranger. I have to get to know someone well enough that I can both release and be absorbed by without any harm to either person. The person has to be able to glide through me as if the wind had wished it so.

In reading the book, I can feel the art stirring in me.