Licking my lips

I want fast food so bad right now. Some friends would use the word "jonesing." I'm "jonesing" for some hot, greasy french fries; some type of burger with lots of sauce--essentially the Carl's Jr. ad campaign style of messy. But no food for me. I live in Irvine where even the usual 24hr Del Taco isn't 24 hr. I have to wait 4 more hours before I get off the bus so I can visit the Del Taco in the UCI area. ((It actually is 24hrs))

I'm awake because I moved Neurontin & Serzone from 100mg to 200mg and my body being ever so sensitive has been stimulated into the awake mode. It's not even a hyper, alert type of awake. Instead, it's that type of awake where you know you're tired but your body is just not going to have anything to do with sleeping. Insomnia. So "they" prescribe the wonderful Desyrel (Trazodone). It will do the trick... but I'd be out completely for 8-10 hrs and that's not going to do considering I need to be up at 6:30am to be to UCI by 8:30am. I complain, but when I step back and look at the big picture in that I don't have any car payment, gas or heavy insurance..... the waking up two hours earlier than I might normally isn't so bad.

I was re-looking at the photos from El Faro 2. They were playing on the slideshow feature from the Yahoo! sight that they're posted on. It's the first time I had really taken a good look at each photo and saw the faces--individually--of each kid. Suddenly I'm not so hungry. I see them playing with each other and I think of my friends. I see how the ones that have remained over time have kept a very playful attitude with me and with life in general. Those that have "grown up" have walked down their different paths in life. Each day, I become more and more content with the choices I have made, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I still feel that pull of competition tugging at my ego. How could I not have this? It's how we're conditioned to be in America from the time we're born. What kind of pre-natal care did you have? What birthing options are you going to choose? Are you going to be breast fed or formula? ((Or my favorite... I don't want you sucking on my tits so I'll use a breast pump to get you my milk but you can drink it out of plastic instead.)) Then it's did you read to your kid? Was there pre-school? We get shipped off to the school system where everything is a competition. The A's vs. the non-A's. How many book reports did you do? How well did you perform on the Presidential Fitness Test? How fast can you run? What are you scoring on the standardized tests? Are you at grade level? Below? Above? What position do you have in your church? Do you go more than just Sundays? Are you involved in sports? Are you part of any clubs? Are you taking AP courses or just College Prep? ((Or are you basic??)) Then... did you go to college? Oh, which one? Was it Ivy League? Was it just a JC? What, you didn't go to college? Oh... what kind of job do you have? And there it is.... job = work = career of some sort to most people. What kind of "career" do you have? And even then... oh you're in "such & such" industry? Do you work for the industry leader or are you with some 'start-up' company? How much money have you invested in your retirement? Do you own property? If so, what kind? How big is your house? Do you have just one? How old were you when you achieved these milestones?

Damn, I just wrote all of that in a couple minutes. Non-stop. It's very easy to be swept into the stream of thought when it's what all the minds around us are thinking on some level. Un-learning this thought process is tricky for me because I tend to just throw the gear into reverse; reverting back to that child mind of, "If it feels good, do it." Or the adolescent mind of, "Fuck it." Here I am sitting cross-legged in my bed, not at a desk, sitting upright. A quick glance around the room shows my minimalistic tries, but still so much clutter I could dispose of. My room, my sanctuary. (My Mirror)

Ok... time for some more Warcraft III.